


Bound

by SapphireSmoke



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Angst, Bath Sex, Bitter Ex-Girlfriends, Burns, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Lesbian Character, Espionage, Explicit Consent, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, Falling In Love, Hero Worship, Jealousy, Light Dom/sub, Magic, Magic School, Magic-Users, Making Love, Manipulation, Master/Pet, Medical Trauma, Mentor/Protégé, Metaphorical Dick Measuring Contests, Minor Character Death, Mutual Masturbation, Near Death Experiences, Psychological Trauma, Public Sex, Romance, Self Confidence Issues, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Teacher-Student Relationship, Telepathy, Triss' self confidence goes from 0 to 100, Trust, War, basically one of those coming into your own fics for her, before she finally gets comfortable in her own skin :), but then like back down to 50 again, with some banging lol, yes kids you're getting Sodden please prepare yourself emotionally
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2020-10-25 14:24:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 89,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20725679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SapphireSmoke/pseuds/SapphireSmoke
Summary: “Leashing involves a pupil being bound to their master in body, mind, and magic,” Philippa explained, folding her hands on the desk in front of her. “It is not something to undertake lightly, but if you accept, I will be able to share my magic with you, and instruct you in ways that would be otherwise be impossible if I were to only rely on verbal communication. It is intimate, it is at times invasive, but if you consent to this, Triss, it will make youvastlymore powerful, and from the look in your eyes, that seems to be exactly what you are looking for.”





	1. I.

**Author's Note:**

> **Betas:** [Cheyenne](https://sexualsportswear.tumblr.com/) (Chapters 1-4) & [Marion](https://scredgirl.tumblr.com) (Chapters 5+)  
**Banner Art:** Scredgirl on [Tumblr](https://scredgirl.tumblr.com)/[Twitter](https://twitter.com/Scredgirl)  
**A/N:** I started this fic after I released “[La Douleur Exquise](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18522862)” because I wanted to expand upon my headcanon that Triss used to be a leashed sorceress to Philippa back in her days at Aretuza, but life got me sidetracked. While this originally was going to be a prequel to that story, I’ve since decided to go in a different direction because I wanted to focus more on Triss/Phil instead of dealing with Triss’ emotional mess of having feelings for both Philippa and Yennefer, haha. Anyway, I cannot promise a steady update rate with this, even though I banged my last 20k+ fic out within the span of a week, lol. I now am juggling two jobs, go to school full time, and am also writing an original novel. I’ll try not to let it go too long between parts though, I promise!

  


****

**I.**

When Triss Merigold was four years old, her father broke her leg in three places.

_He was just drunk, he didn’t mean it, _her mother would remind her year after year, when the bones had healed badly and she was unable to walk without a cane. But then the pox swept through their town the autumn of Triss’ seventh birthday, leaving her father dead and herself covered in scars, and suddenly, everything was her fault because if she weren’t so ugly, then perhaps they would be okay; perhaps her mother would have been able to marry her off to a wealthy family in return for a hefty dowry, perhaps another nice man would come around and call her mother ‘wife’ and Triss ‘daughter’, and take care of them both for the rest of their days.

But neither of those things were going to happen, because Triss was such an unsightly girl. No one wanted to look at her anymore, she was reminded day in and day out – not even her own mother. Triss still remembered the day she was given to the sorceresses in Aretuza; she was screaming for her mother – _don’t let them take me, Mama, please! Please! I’ll be good! – _and her mother was shouting at Tissaia, demanding payment for them to take her little girl. But Aretuza did not pay for their sorceresses, and eventually her mother left, at the very least, glad to be rid of what she callously called ‘the blight on her life’.

Triss cried for many months after that.

Aretuza though, as it turned out, was not the place where her life would end. Triss believed that she was tossed aside because she was unwanted, because she needed to be forgotten by this world and everyone in it, but Aretuza was not a place where unsightly girls were left to rot. Aretuza only took those with a predisposition of power, as one could not make something out of nothing. Triss was something, she was _someone,_ and eventually that gave her the confidence that allowed her to blossom into a beautiful swan just like all the other ugly ducklings in her pond.

Because she was now. She was _beautiful._

Triss often wondered if this would be what she would’ve looked like, had none of those unfortunate things happened to her. If she had not been beaten, broken, and riddled with sickness. Would she have been beautiful enough to be noticed by a handsome traveler? Would she have been swept away to a faraway place to live a life of beauty and luxury, to attend fancy balls and to bear many sons? Would she have been content? _Happy?_

Even now, Triss often found herself daydreaming of such things, despite knowing that they could never be. Regardless of her beauty, regardless of how her lovely chestnut hair framed her face, or how her smile lit up a room, no one wanted to marry a sorceress. They were unhinged, untrustworthy. They were too powerful and difficult to control. They lived longer than most and they could bear no children, so what was the use of them, really?

What was the use of _her?_

That question had burned itself in the back of Triss’ mind ever since the first time she had ventured from Aretuza. Students were not permitted to leave the island, but Keira Metz was an _awful _influence, and Triss desperately wished to show off her new beauty to the world. To _men,_ primarily. The terrible pain she had gone through to look this way had to amount to something eventually, and Triss did not wish to wait until after she graduated to begin her life experiences. So, she went to an inn, she drank and played dice poker with some unsavory folk, and eventually fell into bed with a young man who broke her heart.

“Will you visit me?” Triss had asked him, sheets clutched to her breasts as she up in bed. She liked him, this man who called himself Piotr; he was broad shouldered and had a crooked smile, with tanned cheeks and a scar below his lower lip. His sandy blonde hair fell over one of his eyes, and as Piotr secured his trousers around his waist, he laughed.

“At Aretuza? Of course not.”

“Why not? They allow visitors to the island.”

“Sorceresses are not_ real_ women. They strive for power and influence, and can bear men no sons,” Piotr responded unkindly, as though he was not aware that Triss had feelings like any other woman. Her throat constricted, her eyes burned, and Triss felt so terribly, terribly foolish. “The closest thing to womanhood for a sorceress is what lies between her legs, and I have already tasted that. What use are you to me now?”

_What use are you to me now?_

Triss did not leave Thanedd again after that.

She immersed herself in her studies, needing to feel a sense of accomplishment and pride. She needed this to _matter, _she needed to be useful to the right people and considered important to those who weren’t, otherwise what would be the point to all of this? Triss knew her options were limited. If she did not become a full-fledged sorceress, she might as well be put out to pasture, as there was nothing in this world for those who had failed in their craft. No one may want her now, but no one would want her if she left either. This was her one shot to become someone, and Triss was damned if she was going to squander it.

“Are you going to share a drink with me, or am I to stand here all night?”

“I’m— I’m sorry, Yenna. Hold on, I just…” Triss madly scribbled down some runes on the parchment in front of her, but then winced as a line in Triglav came out crooked. “_Damnit.” _Triss slammed down her quill, splattering ink across her desk and her work. Not that it mattered, as she was going to have to redo it anyway. That one line would have bothered her endlessly.

Triss’ elbow hit the desk, her head fisted in her hair, and Yennefer’s brow arched at the woman’s dramatic defeat.

“Triss,” she reminded her flatly. “You are already at the top of your class; this kind of neurosis is unnecessary. Of course, if you keep ignoring one of your advisors when they have come with news, that could change. I may be impressed with your skill, but do not try my patience.”

The clear warning caused Triss to immediately jump from her chair. She may not know Yennefer well, but she did know that she did not wish to squander this opportunity. While every student nearing graduation got to speak with an advisor at least once, only the very best were visited on multiple occasions. Yennefer had taken quite an interest in her, both academically and personally, and considering she was a well-respected sorceress, Triss would be a fool not to oblige the woman with whatever it was that she wished.

The problem was, though, Triss was certainly not at her best, and therefore often forgot her manners. She could not even remember the last time she had gotten more than a handful of hours of sleep as she worked endlessly on her end-of-the-year thesis. It would be presented to Tissaia in two months’ time, and she had not even begun writing it yet. As it turns out, trying to manipulate runes to aid witchers was good in theory, yet difficult in practice without an actual witcher handy. It was probably also incredibly useless as it seemed witchers were a dying breed nowadays, but Triss had wanted a challenge.

Unfortunately, she got one.

“I’m so sorry, I don’t— I’m not trying to ignore you, I promise,” Triss apologized, taking the offered glass of wine from the other woman’s outstretched hand. She smiled at her shyly, dipping her head in gratitude. Although there were times when Yennefer felt closer to a friend than she did a mentor, that usually did not come until after they both had drank their fill. Right now, though, Yennefer of Vengerberg was still _immensely _intimidating, so Triss kept her tone respectful as she explained her current dilemma. “I’m glad you came by, Yennefer. I just— it’s my thesis, honestly. I need a witcher! But how on earth am I supposed to find one when all I keep hearing is that they’re practically going extinct? Ugh. Maybe I should just start over; choose something with a more attainable goal…”

“You need a witcher?” Yennefer questioned, intrigued. Now that she had Triss’ attention, she found herself an armchair and placed herself in it as she questioned her protégé with growing interest. “What is your thesis on, exactly?”

“The manipulation of runes to compliment witcher signs,” Triss answered, feeling a little flustered as she paced back and forth. She gestured wildly with her hands as she spoke, once more getting caught up in her academic anxieties. “I believe if I can turn them into glyphs they may work, but I do not have a way to test it without a witcher, and unfortunately I do not even know where to _begin_ in finding one.”

Yennefer’s nails clicked against the glass nestled in her palm. She was silent for a moment. “I may be able to help you,” she cautiously revealed after she took a long sip of wine. “However, if you do not stop your incessant _pacing_ I may not want to.”

Triss immediately stopped, flushed with guilt, and sat. The chair creaked beneath her weight, and for a brief moment, Triss was concerned that Yennefer might think her fat because of it.

“There. That’s better, isn’t it?”

Not really. Triss was so sleep deprived that she was now concerning herself with ridiculous insecurities which could never lead anywhere good. The young sorceress rubbed her eyes, forgetting for a moment that she had makeup on. It smeared down her cheek, and Yennefer sighed.

“You really know a witcher?” Triss asked, oblivious to what she was doing.

“I know a great many people,” Yennefer answered noncommittally before she exhaled an impatient breath, gesturing toward her. “Come here. You’ve made an absolute mess of yourself again.” Although she wasn’t sure what she had done this time, Triss quickly obliged her. She probably shouldn’t have sat so far away anyway, but she had gotten flustered when Yennefer ordered her to stop pacing.

“I don’t know why I expected that you would be able to get Philippa’s attention; you are far too oblivious to the world around you,” Yennefer chastised once the other woman sat next to her. She used thumb to try to wipe off the dark mark on Triss’ cheek but the young woman quickly jerked away from her touch, wondering if she really heard what she thought she just heard.

She gaped at Yennefer. “Wait— what?”

“Ah, _now_ I see I have your attention.”

“Philippa _Eilhart?”_ Triss questioned with surprise. Though it seemed unfathomable, that was the only ‘Philippa’ that she knew of, so she had to make sure. “The polymorph? Member of the Council of Mages? Sorceress of Tretogor? _That_ Philippa?”

“You speak about her as though she is something to be revered,” Yennefer noted in distaste, and Triss’ cheeks colored in embarrassment. “Believe me, she is not. I will be the first to admit that she is both incredibly talented and well-connected, but her personality could use some work. But no matter. It is not her personality that I think you could benefit from. I heard she is looking for a new apprentice, and I believe it would benefit you to apply for the position.”

Triss blinked in surprise, and it was that hesitation that finally allowed Yennefer the moment she needed to reach out and wipe the makeup from the young woman’s freckled cheek. “You must keep up appearances though if this is something you feel you may be interested in. Philippa is nothing if not shallow.”

“You… you actually think that she would be interested in _me?”_ Triss asked, flabbergasted. She ran her palms across her knees, using the fabric to combat the clammy feeling that suddenly arose. She was nervous. “But I’m nobody.”

“You are certainly not _nobody,”_ Yennefer scolded, her eyes narrowing. “And you’d do well to never let me hear you speak of yourself that way again. It’s incredibly insulting if you believe that I have nothing better to do than be here with some mediocre student.”

Triss flushed, practically hiding behind her wine glass. “No, I— I didn’t mean to imply that. I’m grateful you check up on me so often, Yenna. And I know that you do it for a reason.” She took a meek sip, and Yennefer’s eyes softened.

“I know what it’s like to feel as if you’re not good enough,” Yennefer told her, reaching out to place a gentle hand on Triss’ knee. “You are not the only one who grew up feeling ugly, alone, and unwanted. But those days are behind you now - remember that. Now, you hold your head high and you demand the respect you deserve, because you are _powerful, _Triss. Don’t ever forget that.”

Triss smiled, grateful for her words. Yennefer was awfully demanding and intimidating at times, yes, but she could also be very kind.

But then the young girl’s brow crinkled as she looked down at her hands, smoothing them out against her dress once more. “…Can I ask you something?”

“Go ahead.”

Triss looked up at her, trying to not look as vulnerable as she felt. “Do you really have no plans to take an apprentice yourself, or…?”

“Or, what? Do you think that I actually _do_ want an apprentice and am deceiving you because you would not be my first choice? Do you think I’m merely trying to pawn you off on someone else, and _that_ is why I’m suggesting this arrangement?” Yennefer teased, amused by the insinuation as she apparently found it entirely ridiculous. “Don’t feel put out; you know very well that I do not have time for such a commitment. But I assure you, Triss, even if for some reason I _were_ trying to pawn you off on somebody else, I wouldn’t have set my sights as high as Philippa Eilhart. That woman is incredibly selective. Even with my recommendation, I do not know if she will choose you. You may have to sleep with her first.”

Triss choked on her own breath, and Yennefer laughed.

“That’s not funny,” Triss mumbled, embarrassed. She had nearly turned purple at the thought. Not that Philippa wasn’t beautiful, because she was. Triss had attended quite a few of her lectures over the years (okay, fine, every single one), and the woman was absolutely breathtaking. But that was the problem - she was _too_ attractive, too successful, too intimidating, too… _everything. _And although the thought of being with another woman intrigued her, Triss had not yet experienced such a thing and was afraid she would make a fool of herself if she were made to before she felt ready.

And Triss was fairly certain that she would _never_ feel ready to sleep with someone like Philippa. She was the type of person you slept with after you’ve already proven yourself by satisfying all of her lessers. She was the type you brought multiple glowing letters of recommendation to with the hope that she might finally allow you the pleasure of licking her boots, let alone anything else.

Triss squirmed in her chair, the thought of doing something so degrading unexpectedly turning her on. _Oh no._

Yennefer looked at her, eyebrow quirked. Triss hoped beyond anything else in that moment that the other woman could not read her mind. She had never in her life even had a passing thought of that caliber before, and now was _not_ the time to learn that she might be a lot less traditional than she had originally assumed she was. She needed privacy for that. She needed quite a _lot_ of privacy for that.

“Come to think of it, it wouldn’t surprise me if Philippa had some kind of fetish for corrupting the innocent,” Yennefer casually mentioned as she leaned back in her chair, appraising her. “I wasn’t serious before, but this blushing schoolgirl act may work in your favor after all. Are you a virgin?”

“No!”

For some reason, Triss felt offended by the question. She may not have a lot of experience, but she certainly was not a child. The only reason she was getting a little embarrassed about it was because she was intimidated. The thought of being thrown in the deep end with Philippa made her feel like she was drowning, and it scared Triss a little. At the end of the day, she just didn’t feel good enough. Academically, magically, or… otherwise.

“I wasn’t trying to offend you, Triss.”

“I just… I don’t want to get an apprenticeship solely because my mentor wishes to ‘corrupt’ my ‘innocence’ – whatever that’s supposed to mean,” Triss stuttered, trying very hard to be the confident woman that she wished to be; that Yennefer _wanted_ her to be. “That cheapens it, doesn’t it? I’m talented enough. I should get the apprenticeship because I deserve it, not because I’m attractive.”

Yennefer smiled. It was genuine; she looked like she was _proud_ of her, and Triss sat up a little straighter in her chair. Maybe she was getting the hang of this confidence thing after all.

“And it is _that_ attitude that will get you it. Philippa may find naivety attractive, but she respects power and talent _far _more. Do not forget that.”

Triss tried not to. But when she was on her way to the meeting that Yennefer had set up for her, she began to rely on her appearance more than she should have. She was wearing a loose tunic that was cut rather low between her breasts, her wavy chestnut hair swept to the side over her shoulder. The young woman’s cornflower eyes seemed brighter while surrounded by dark makeup, her glossed lips pursed in anxiety as she held her academic theories and research portfolio tight to her chest as she made her way down the long hallway. She just wanted to make an impression and considering Philippa seemed to have a weakness for women, in the end she decided it wouldn’t hurt to just put a little extra effort into her appearance in order to stand out.

However, she he was _not, _in any way, going to cheapen this opportunity by being suggestive towards her. Although Triss was certain she would hate herself if she actually had to pass up the chance to sleep with a woman like Philippa Eilhart, she also didn’t want to become the type of person who needed to sleep their way to the top, because she didn’t.

She didn’t because she was _talented; _she was powerful and could become a great asset to someone like Philippa, and today she was going to prove it.

…Hopefully.

Triss’ knock on the door was more hesitant than she wanted it to be and she silently berated herself and stood up straighter, hoping that would make up for it. The voice that beckoned her in sounded distracted, and Triss silently pushed the door open with her free hand. The office she entered was one for guest lecturers – primarily members of the Council. Yennefer had taken up residency in this very room a few times, so it was not a strange place to Triss. Yet even still, with all its familiarity, when Triss entered she felt like she was somehow intruding.

Philippa did not even look at her. She was standing in front of the fireplace, staring intently into a book. Her dark hair was twisted back into a long braid, the brilliant red of her dress intensified in the light of the fire. She almost seemed to glow, and Triss swallowed hard as she stared at her. She had only seen Philippa from a distance before, and up close the woman looked much younger than Triss would have guessed. It was probably a ridiculous observation, as most sorceresses halted their aging in their early twenties, but the way Philippa spoke during her lectures made her sound far more mature than her appearance let on, and so it was a little unsettling to look upon a woman who could easily be mistaken for Triss’ age. Even _Yennefer_ looked older than Philippa, albeit not by much.

“Sit down,” Philippa instructed, forcing Triss from her thoughts. The sorceress still did not spare her a glance which Triss found both very intimidating and very rude, but she did as she was instructed anyway, and sat in the seat opposite of the desk in the center of the room.

Silence.

Finally, Philippa spared her a glance over her book. It seemed like it was meant to be brief, yet her gaze lingered just a little too long on her before she finally tore her eyes away. “Merigold, is it?” she questioned, sounding altogether disinterested. Triss’ heart beat just a little bit faster in her chest.

“Triss,” she confirmed. She was immensely thankful that her voice didn’t shake.

Philippa responded with a noncommittal noise before finally closing her book and stepping away from the fireplace. She stared at her guest for a moment before crossing the space between them, coming to a stop behind her desk.

“Yennefer’s recommendation,” Philippa stated, although the way she spoke made it seem almost as though she were accusing her of something. She suddenly dropped her book on top of Triss’ portfolio, the thickness of it eliciting a startling noise. Triss felt like she nearly jumped out of her skin, and her fingers suddenly curled into a fist.

Was she _trying_ to scare her? Why?

Triss sat up a little straighter, resolved not to get frightened off by cheap intimidation tactics. And it was strange, honestly, because if Philippa had treated her kindly and spoken to her with interest, Triss would have been _immensely_ intimidated by her. This, however? This just made her angry, which at least gave Triss the confidence boost that she needed.

“Yes,” she said strongly, making certain to keep eye contact with the other woman. “She informed me that an apprenticeship with you would be a unique opportunity for me to continue my studies in a non-traditional way. I was told that you are often experimenting with new magics, and I would like to be a part of that discovery process.”

“A lot of people would,” Philippa frankly responded. She finally sat in the chair across from Triss, her gaze piercing as she assessed the woman before her. “Tell me why I should choose you over them, Triss Merigold. What are you, twenty-five? Thirty, at best. You’re barely more than a child. I have sorceresses far older and far more skilled than you willing to lick my cunt for such an opportunity. Are you prepared to offer me the same?”

Triss involuntarily flushed but stood her ground. Yennefer must have suggested an apprenticeship with her for a reason, and although Triss wasn’t overly fond of this kind of vetting process, she had to believe that this would be worth it. Perhaps Philippa only did this to weed out the weak-willed; the spineless, ones unable to stand up for themselves. Yennefer did mention that Philippa respected power and talent, after all. All of that was wasted without confidence, which Triss was quickly learning.

And she was _not_ going to waste this.

“I’m prepared to offer you better because, with all due respect Lady Eilhart, there _is_ no one more skilled than I at this school, and I think my talent and eagerness to learn will outweigh any of the… _other_ benefits you may be offered,” Triss responded, her voice steady and self-assured. Inside she was positively screaming with anxiety, but her desire to not squander an opportunity so rare kept those feelings at bay while she sought to become the sorceress she was meant to.

The corner of Philippa’s mouth twitched in amusement. Suddenly, the younger woman felt like she could relax as the mood in the atmosphere changed. After pushing her book aside, Philippa reached for Triss’ portfolio to actually take a look at it. Finally, she seemed interested in her as she prompted, “Go on.”

“I know I might be young, but I mastered psychokinesis before I was fourteen,” Triss eagerly continued, now a little excited to be able to list her qualifications. “I am able to practice Oneiromancy without the use of intoxicants with a seventy eight percent success rate, and I am working on a theory that practicing psionics are able to share emotions as well as thoughts, although I have no one to test my hypothesis with, so for now that’s all it remains.”

Philippa did not look impressed, but she didn’t look _unimpressed_ either. “And what about Goetia?” she asked, much more casually than the question called for, considering its subject matter. She continued to flip through Triss’ portfolio, her eyes skimming page after page. “Necromancy?”

Triss’ stomach tightened in her gut. Was this a trick question? “Those areas of magic are forbidden.”

Philippa just stared at her. Time ticked onward.

“…I’ve read quite a bit about them,” Triss finally admitted, sounding guilty. She didn’t even know why she admitted it; something in Philippa’s expectant gaze made it seem like she already _knew_ the answer to the questions she was asking. She just prayed she did not tell Tissaia, as just a mere rumor was enough to get her thrown from Aretuza.

“Good.”

Triss looked up at her in surprise.

“If you do not learn about the mistakes others have made, you are doomed to repeat them. I won’t have that kind of idiocy around me; it is bad enough that I’m forced to watch it happen politically more often than I’d care to admit. Men, you’ll soon come to realize, will repeatedly seek our council, yet refuse to listen.”

Triss had heard the rumors that Philippa had recently been chosen as King Vizimir's advisor, and now resided in Redania's court. But if that were true, did that mean if she was chosen as Philippa’s apprentice that she would have to return with her? Would Tissaia even allow her to leave? Would King Vizimir allow her to stay in a court, in a _country_ that was not her own?

“Even kings?” Triss asked, curious.

“_Especially_ kings.”

Triss chewed on her bottom lip. “Then why bother?” she asked. “Why advise them if they do not take our suggestions seriously?”

“Power is not something you can just grab hold of quickly. It’s something you gather, little by little, until you find yourself overflowing with it,” Philippa explained. Finally, Triss felt like the woman actually cared to speak with her, and it made her feel infinitely better. She listened intently, recognizing that she could learn a lot from her. “But power is what we need should we wish to finally change what needs to be changed. It was a mistake when we as a sex collectively allowed men to rule the world. I wish to rectify that problem, but something of that caliber takes time, resources.”

“So… if I were to become your apprentice, I would have a part in that?” Triss asked, intrigued. That sounded… _important. _Exciting.

Although the woman did not smile, Triss could see in Philippa’s eyes that she approved of her interest. “If you’d like.” Triss pursed her lips as though she were considering it, but her eager nod followed much too quickly for there to have been any sort of internal debate.

“This will not be a traditional apprenticeship, however.”

Triss’ brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“I wish to try a technique called ‘leashing’. It is experimental, but considering you _eagerly _assured me that you want to be a part of the ‘discovery process’ of any unknown magic that I’d like to perform, that shouldn’t be a problem for you.”

It sounded almost like a challenge, and it unnerved Triss a little. She had never heard of this technique before, and she was unsure what to expect. “Are you offering me the apprenticeship?” she asked, needing to know that, first and foremost.

“That depends. Do you consent to my leashing you?”

Triss narrowed her eyes. A part of her was immensely excited that it seemed as though Philippa truly _did_ want her, but another part of herself reminded her that only fools rush in blind. “Explain to me what it is, and I might.”

The corner of Philippa’s mouth twitched, although Triss was unsure if it was in amusement or because she actually approved of her being smart enough to question her experimental methods. “Leashing involves a pupil being bound to their master in body, mind, and magic,” she explained, folding her hands on the desk in front of her. “It is not something to undertake lightly, but if you accept, I will be able to share my magic with you and instruct you in ways that would be otherwise be impossible if I were to only rely on verbal communication. It is intimate, it is at times invasive, but if you consent to this, Triss, it will make you _vastly _more powerful, and from the look in your eyes, that seems to be exactly what you are looking for.”

Triss hated that her eyes had betrayed her, but Philippa was not wrong; ever since she resigned to her fate as a sorceress, she had wanted to become one that was powerful, one that was _important. _Because otherwise, what was the point? So even if this wasn’t easy, even if it was invasive and uncomfortable at times, shouldn’t the advantages outweigh the rest? She had come to Philippa to learn, and in the end, that was what the woman was offering her.

“Alright,” Triss responded after she thought everything over. She hoped she wasn’t making a mistake, but only time would tell. For now, though, she chose to be optimistic as she made eye contact with her new mentor, and nodded in agreement. “I consent.”

**TBC…**


	2. II.

**II.**

“How does that feel?”

Triss struggled to swallow, the dimeritium collar around her neck feeling simultaneously much too hot, yet much too cold. It was absolutely disorienting and to be quite frank, she hated it. She could not feel her magic anymore and it made Triss feel… lost. Helpless. The young sorceress squirmed in her seat.

“It’s… a little tight. Are you sure this is necessary?”

“Unless you wish to physically explode once our combined magic becomes too great for you to bear, then _yes, _it is,” Philippa insisted, her tone dismissive enough to make Triss purse her lips, vowing to stay silent. She did not wish to start out this apprenticeship by irritating the other woman, which apparently questioning her methods was doing. “Contrary to the rumors that circulate this school, I do not _actually_ go through my apprentices quickly because I enjoy killing them with experimental magics.”

Triss’ eyes widened. She did _not_ hear that, actually. Why didn’t she hear that?!

“I go _through_ them because they end up being incompetent and not worth my time: two things that I’m certain you will prove to me that you’re not,” Philippa stressed as she circled her, inspecting the collar for weaknesses. Triss felt like she was being put on display and bit the inside of her cheek, trying not to make direct eye contact.

It was two days after the initial interview, and Triss had officially been named Philippa’s apprentice. They still resided in Aretuza, although Philippa did mention that she would speak to Tissaia about bringing her back to Redania. For now, though, they occupied the office that Philippa seemed to have claimed as her own. The woman had sat Triss down in a large armchair in the middle of the room without even so much as a hello, and now Triss had a collar around her neck that was both dampening her magic and causing her to question her life choices.

“Try using your magic,” Philippa instructed as she took a step back from the woman in the chair.

“To do what?”

“Anything. The process is unimportant; I only desire to know the outcome.”

Triss’ mind went blank. Suddenly, it was as though she couldn’t remember how to do a damn thing, and it was probably the most embarrassing thing to have ever happened to her. Philippa kept looking at her expectantly, and so Triss panicked and insisted, “—It didn’t work.” Because that was what the collar was supposed to do, right; prevent her from doing magic? Triss had read about dimeritium before but had never experienced it firsthand until now. Either way, even without trying, she certainly _felt _like she no longer had magic.

Unfortunately, it seemed she had only convinced herself of this.

“Why are you lying to me? I asked you to do a simple thing. If you do not wish to oblige me, Triss, I will dissolve this apprenticeship right now. Do not waste my time.”

Triss blushed crimson. “I’m— I’m sorry. I just… you asked and I— I blanked,” she admitted, feeling foolish. “I don’t know why.”

“Of course you know _why, _but if you actually wish to accomplish anything during your time with me, then you must either learn to stand at my side as my equal, or do as I say beneath my boot. I do not care which you choose, but I’d rather you do it quickly so that we can get on with this. I do not have all day.”

_Oh._ Well, that was blunter than Triss was expecting, although she wasn’t sure why she would assume otherwise; Philippa did not seem the type to be subtle in any area of her life, so why would academically be any different? The problem was, even _this_ was making Triss lose her train of thought, and suddenly she felt so very stupid and small. Why did she do this to herself? She was so talented, so why didn’t she have the confidence to match?

“I see you’re unable to choose, so the choice you’ve made by default is obvious. Look at me,” Philippa demanded, grasping the young woman’s chin in her hand, forcing Triss’ gaze to meet hers. It was piercing, and something tightened in the base of Triss’ stomach. “If you want to continue to be intimidated by me, I do not care, just do as I ask. _Now.”_

“Yes, sorry— I’m sorry, ” Triss stumbled, before she did the first thing that came to mind, and attempted to conjure a flower. Suddenly, she understood why Philippa knew she was lying as it felt like shards of glass ran through her veins. Triss shut her eyes and clenched her fist, trying very hard not to scream. She exhaled loudly through her nose, the corners of her eyes beginning to water as she tried to breathe through the pain.

“Good, it’s working. At the very least, that means it will protect your body from being overwhelmed with power once I bind us together. Lesser sorceresses have tried this to devastating ends and considering I still have uses for you, I don’t plan to have someone mop your remains off the floor,” Philippa told her as she let go of her chin. Triss blanched. Perhaps she should have inquired about the risks before agreeing to this, as it now seemed far more dangerous than Triss had been expecting.

Did she truly trust Philippa enough to keep her safe?

“And stop _apologizing,” _Philippa demanded as an afterthought as she stepped away from her, grabbing a book off her desk before flipping through it. “You can live beneath my heel without having to grovel at my feet. If you do something wrong, just do it _right_ next time.”

“I’m—” Philippa shot her a look of warning over the book, cutting Triss’ instinctual apology off mid-sentence. The young woman swallowed. “…I’ll work on it.”

“Good.”

Philippa turned back to her book, her finger skimming the pages as she looked for something specific. Triss sat silently in her chair, not really knowing what to do with herself now. She wasn’t even sure what she just agreed to either. The worst part about it all was the implication that she wished for Philippa to practically step on her, because Triss had a very unexpected and very _vivid _fantasy that was quite adjacent to something like that the other day. But the thing of it was, if left with the choice of being Philippa’s equal or her lesser, Triss found that she was infinitely more comfortable being beneath her.

What did that even_ say_ about her? Was that pathetic, or was it a natural reaction to one’s mentor? Triss knew she would feel like an impostor if she tried to act as though she were on Philippa’s level, so why should she bother pretending? She wasn’t there yet, and both of them knew it. This was just… easier. Simpler.

Except it wasn’t easy or simple at all, and now Triss had no idea how she was meant to act, or what she was and was not allowed to do. But she had some concerns, so the young sorceress cleared her throat uncomfortably, looking up at the woman who was practically towering over her. “Lady Eilhart?” she inquired finally, her voice a little more hesitant than normal.

“When I wish for you to speak, pet, I’ll tell you,” Philippa dismissed, still sounding distracted as she leafed through the book in her hands. She glanced up at her, albeit briefly. “And do not call me that. It is bad enough I have to be addressed that way in Court.”

Triss pursed her lips, the tips of her ears burning hot. “Philippa…?” she corrected, though she did not sound very sure of herself. It seemed far too… _intimate,_ to be calling the woman by her given name. It implied a sense of closeness that Triss knew they did not have. Everything just felt wrong, and it was obvious Triss was second-guessing herself quite terribly. Philippa noticed and finally allowed her eyes to rest on the woman in front of her.

“If you feel the need to call me an authoritative name, you may use ‘Mistress’. You certainly would not be the first to call me that, and it isn’t as though it’s unheard of in an apprenticeship. It’s just rather outdated.”

“Mistress,” Triss repeated. She found it flowed off her tongue easier, although it did make her feel a tad embarrassed that _that_ was what made her feel comfortable. Lately she was learning quite a lot about herself that was surprising her, and she wasn’t entirely sure how to process it.

“No wonder Yennefer likes you; you’re very talented, yet awfully subservient,” Philippa mentioned, a hint of a smirk playing at the edge of her lips. “I bet when you lick her cunt it makes her feel powerful. Considering that feeling happens so infrequently for her, I’m sure that’s something she rather enjoys.”

Triss nearly choked on her breath. “What? No! I don’t—”

“I don’t care, honestly. What you do in your personal time isn’t something I’m concerned with, and if you wish to turn this apprenticeship into some kind of fetish I’ll oblige you, so long as I get results,” Philippa responded bluntly, making Triss suck in a sharp breath. How did they get here? Did _she_ get them there, or was Philippa just talking in circles to get Triss to believe that this was something she suggested, when in reality this was just a product of Philippa’s manipulation? Triss was so terribly, terribly confused and even worse, more than a little turned on.

“But remember, I did not choose you because you’d look good cleaning my boots with your tongue. I chose you because you’re both very skilled and incredibly intelligent, so go on, pet… what was it that you were going to say?"

What… what just happened?

Did she just become Philippa’s bitch?

Triss didn’t have long to evaluate her new situation, though, as Philippa was looking at her expectantly. “I… only wanted to know if you had considered how the dimeritium might affect _you,_ Mistress,” Triss explained, inwardly excited to have been asked and for her opinion to be considered, even though it didn’t seem like Philippa ever wished to dismiss her as unimportant. “Binding our magic together would allow you to access my power as much as it would allow me to access yours, right? But what if the dimeritium doesn’t just act as a shield to keep me from violently expelling the magic when it becomes too great, but also as a barrier that prevents anything from getting in? It could ricochet, couldn’t it? That could be dangerous.”

That actually seemed to give Philippa pause. “…You may be right,” she confessed, her brow knitting as she considered the possibility. She closed her book then, placing it back on the desk. “Perhaps if we lessened the amount of dimeritium; a single cuff instead of a collar. Take that off.”

Triss reached back and quickly undid the clasp, glad to be rid of the thing. Finally, she felt whole again, and she breathed a sigh of relief. The heavy collar landed in her lap, and Triss looked back up at Philippa, who was still frowning. “Damnit. I was hoping to do this today, but I’ll need to get a cuff made,” she told her, sounding a little frustrated with herself that this wasn’t something she had already thought of. “Those who make things out of dimeritium desire to capture mages with them, so they all require a lock and key. I will not shackle you though; that is not something our kind should ever endure, even experimentally.”

No wonder the collar had been easy to remove. At first Triss thought Philippa might have just modified one that had been used for prisoners, but it made sense that she had it specially made for her purposes. Even recycled and put to better use, in the end it was still something that had hurt their people, and that was not something either of them wanted to touch.

“How long will it take?” Triss asked, then second-guessed herself for even asking. Did Philippa want her to keep conversing with her? She wasn’t sure.

It seems she did though, as Philippa did not lecture her about speaking out of turn. “A couple days, but I will be in Redania for at least a fortnight, which was why I wanted to do this today. I wished to see if our bond would withstand long distances, but now it seems I’ll have to wait to test that theory.”

“You’re— you’re leaving?” Triss practically stuttered, suddenly feeling very put out. “Can I not come with you?” Philippa just side-eyed her, and Triss quickly amended her question with the formality and respect of her mentor’s title. “Mistress. I’m sor— no, I’m _not _sorry, I was just…” Triss tried, feeling a little flustered until she finally organized her thoughts, realized what it was she wanted, and sat up a little straighter as she looked Philippa in the eye. “I would like to come with you, Mistress. If that’s alright.”

The corner of Philippa’s mouth quirked into a small smile. “Believe me, pet, I wish that you could,” she told her with sincerity. She reached out then, gently tucking an errand strand of hair behind the young sorceress’ ear. Triss practically went purple from holding her breath, her eyes widening. “I detest acquiring new toys and having to wait to break them in, but your education must come first, as I was so _thoroughly_ reminded by your Rectoress.” Philippa sounded bitter, and she did not try to hide the roll of her eyes.

Tissaia wouldn’t let her leave? The news made Triss noticeably deflate. “But isn’t my apprenticeship with you a continuance of my education?”

“One would think,” Philippa responded dryly, looking positively irritated with being told that she was not a worthy substitution. “But she wishes for you to present your end-of-year thesis first, and _then_ I may bring you wherever I’d like. So let’s finish that sooner rather than later, shall we? What do you need in order to speed this along?”

Triss blinked. “You… you want to help me?”

“Am I not your mentor? Don’t ask ridiculous questions. Come; tell me what your thesis is on,” Philippa asked as she sat on the small settee near the door. Triss bit her bottom lip, a wave of anxiety settling in the pit of her stomach. Philippa sat in such a way that it made anywhere she resided seem like a throne, and although there was a room next to her on the long cushion, Triss was absolutely terrified to sit there. What if she accidentally touched her or something?

Not that— well, _obviously_ she would like to touch her if she was allowed to, but touching her seemed… disrespectful, even if it was an accidental brush of the knee or…

Triss stood up and crossed the distance between them. She was fairly certain she wasn’t breathing, and Philippa seemed to notice. She narrowed her eyes, as if somehow dissecting her. “Sit,” she encouraged, and Triss sat. She was practically squeezing her legs together though, her hands on her knees so that she wouldn’t take up that much room.

“I’m not going to bite you, you know. Well, not unless you ask very nicely.”

The tips of Triss’ ears turned pink. God, she couldn’t even _imagine…_

“I know. I’m…” Triss almost apologized again, yet clamped her mouth shut and rolled her eyes at her own idiocy. Finally, she admitted, “I’m just… very intimidated by you. That’s all.” She looked down at her hands, unable to meet Philippa’s gaze. “And I know that I— I tried to be confident in our interview, but that’s only who I wish I was, not who I am. I thought I could keep it up, but being this close to you is… a lot. You are… someone that I idolize very much; I’ve been to all your lectures, and I think you’re fascinating. I don’t know; maybe I’m just afraid that I’m going to screw this up.”

The corners of Philippa’s lips upturned. “You flatter me.”

“I mean it.”

“I know you do,” Philippa responded understandingly, reaching out again to try to keep the hair from falling in Triss’ eyes. Her touch was gentle, and all Triss could think about was wanting more of it. “But I think what you fail to realize is that most of us go through this. It is a rarity that we are not born _damaged,_ after all. Something like that stays with you for a very long time, but it will not stay forever. You will soon learn your worth, and one day you will _want_ to sit beside me on this couch.”

Triss cast her gaze downward, ashamed at how small she wished to feel. Why couldn’t she just allow herself to take up space? To be _present?_

“However, you don’t have to continue sitting here if it’s making you uncomfortable,” Philippa reminded her, noticing her body language. “Just because I offered, does not mean you’re obliged to do it.”

Triss’ brow knit in confusion. “I thought I had to obey you.”

“I offered you a choice, but that choice doesn’t go away once you’ve made it. I don’t want to control you, you’re free to do as you’d like; I just thought it would make things easier for you if you didn’t have to think so much.”

“Maybe it did,” Triss admitted softly. She pursed her lips before she finally gave into her anxieties, listened to Philippa, and slid off the cushion until she was sitting on her knees on the rug. Finally, Triss felt like she could breathe, and her whole body noticeably relaxed.

“There are other chairs, you know.”

“I’m fine here,” Triss assured her, because all the other chairs were far away, and the whole process of dragging one over seemed tedious and embarrassing. Sitting by the other woman’s feet was just easier, even though it probably did nothing to assure Triss that she wasn’t some kind of freak just desperately wishing for a woman of Philippa’s caliber to step on her because it would finally make her feel like she was where she belonged.

Wow. Perhaps she was more damaged by her childhood than she thought.

“If you say so.” Philippa settled back against the cushions, looking down at the woman at her feet. “Although I should inform you that I wasn’t actually serious when I suggested you clean my boots with your tongue; you’re just so easy to fluster, and it amused me.”

Oh. _Great. _Not that that was what Triss planned to do down here, but now that just made her look perverted.

“You have far better uses than a doormat, Triss Merigold. I will not degrade you and become an outlet for the self-hatred your useless parents no doubt projected onto you. I _will,_ however, treat you as a one would a cherished pet, should you not feel ready to be anything more than that yet,” Philippa told her, reaching out to weave her fingers through a mane of chestnut locks. Her fingernails scraped her skull and Triss instinctively closed her eyes, exhaling a content sigh.

Maybe she wasn’t as damaged as she thought, because this seemed like the far more pleasant option and what Triss realized she was missing. Was that all she was then, just some kicked puppy that was starved for affection? Maybe that’s what they all were, at one time or another. Maybe that’s why Philippa knew and why she was so content to oblige her.

“Now, will you tell me about your thesis? I’ve been very patient with you, but even I have my limits.”

Triss smiled, happy to hear the interest in the other sorceress’ voice despite the clear warning to speed things along. So, as she looked up at her and began to eagerly explain what it was that she hoped to achieve, Triss found herself infinitely glad that despite this strange arrangement she had agreed to, she felt acknowledged, appreciated, and ready to learn as much as she could so that one day she might be as great a sorceress as Philippa Eilhart herself.

**TBC…**


	3. III.

**III.**

"Tell me how it went with Philippa."

Triss grew warm at the question, hoping the flush wasn't apparent on her cheeks. The two women were outside in the gardens whilst the younger of the two picked white myrtle and mandrake. Triss bent down in order to pull the latter by its roots and cleared her throat. "It went… well."

"'Well'," Yennefer repeated as she stood behind her, not willing to dirty herself for the ingredients Triss needed. Not that Triss was expecting otherwise. "I've gotten more detail from a troll."

Alright, perhaps she could spare a bit more than that. "It was… brief," Triss told her, the disappointment evident in her tone. "She had to leave for Redania that night, and Tissaia wouldn't let me accompany her until I finished with my thesis. I feel a little…"

_Abandoned,_ would be the accurate word, but she barely knew Philippa, therefore it just sounded ridiculous. Triss kept her mouth shut and just shrugged before she pulled up the mandrake and placed it into her basket. She rose to stand, and when she turned around Yennefer had her hands on her hips.

"You feel a little what, exactly? What has she done to you?"

"What? Nothing," Triss insisted, even though that wasn't true at all. Philippa certainly did something to her emotionally; Triss felt dependent on her all of a sudden – not unlike a house cat, come to think of. She was independent to a degree, yes, but it made life easier if she just relied on Philippa to feed her the affection that she so desperately needed. In all honesty, she was unsure why she never realized she would benefit from such an arrangement before, but perhaps she had just managed to convince herself that she had been content in her isolation.

Triss pursed her lips, and Yennefer's eyes narrowed.

"Did you sleep with her already?"

"No!" Triss exclaimed, although was surprised to hear the disappointment in Yennefer's tone. "But even if I had, wasn't it _you_ who told me that sleeping with her would give me an advantage?"

"To_ get _the apprenticeship; it would do nothing but make you seem overly compliant and desperate if you do it once you already have it," Yennefer corrected, never one to water down her words. "Besides, I was very proud of you when you said that you deserved the apprenticeship solely based on your talent. I had hoped you wouldn't have to resort to academic prostitution, but I also know how Philippa can be."

"I'm not going to— I mean, even if I _wanted…_ she would never look at me like that," Triss responded, sounding a little dejected by the idea. She might be beautiful now, but Philippa was still on an entirely different level than Triss could ever hope to reach. Regardless of that though, what Yennefer had said was a little insulting, so Triss wrinkled her nose and looked back up at the other woman indignantly. "I would never sleep with anyone out of compliance or desperation though, and I _especially_ wouldn't just to further myself academically. I might not be the most confident sorceress on the Continent, but I do have self-respect."

Sort of. To an extent. Enough not to sleep with someone out of some misguided sense of duty, at any rate!

"And last I checked, who I do or do not choose to share my bed with isn't any of your business," Triss responded brazenly before she realized how that sounded, swallowed hard, and widened her eyes at her own gall. "…Ma'am."

Yennefer didn't look angry with her though. "You're right," she agreed. "It is not."

Triss exhaled the breath that she had held tight in her chest.

"I'm merely trying to warn you," Yennefer continued, her tone softer; more empathetic. Perhaps she realized that practically _shaming_ her wasn't the way to get Triss to listen. "Philippa is good at getting women to fall all over themselves for her, and I don't want to see you get hurt. I'm afraid you are already getting too attached."

"I'm not," Triss insisted as she turned from the other woman, reaching out to take a handful's worth of petals from a white myrtle. They crunched beneath her fist, but as she did not need them intact, it did not matter. "I barely know her. You're being ridiculous."

"Perhaps, but then I wonder why you had an expression similar to an abandoned puppy when you mentioned that she left you here."

Triss said nothing and violently grabbed more petals from another flower. Suddenly, she felt awfully embarrassed by how she reacted to Philippa. Even if she found comfort in their strange arrangement, that probably did not make her any less pathetic for wanting that kind of attention in her life. The young woman's cheeks flared red, a crushing weight in her breast. She refused to look at Yennefer.

Yennefer, however, was not one to just stand there and be ignored. She placed her hand on Triss' shoulder, gently encouraging her to turn and face her. "I just want you to be careful," she told her, the sincerity in her voice surprising the other woman. "I know that this was my idea, but I'm concerned I might have thrown you blindly to a wolf. And I know very well that if you allow her to, Philippa will not hesitate in devouring you whole."

The base of Triss' abdomen tightened. _If only._

But she quickly pushed that out of her mind, exhaled a long breath, and stepped away from Yennefer. "Are you ever going to tell me your history with her?" It was more an accusation than a question, and it obviously took the other woman aback for a moment. But Yennefer's insistence that Philippa could end up being emotionally dangerous for her left Triss with more questions than answers.

Mainly, why was she so certain that Philippa would do that to her?

"I… really don't see how that's important. You and I are two very different people, Triss."

Although it was a slight, Triss had heard the hesitation in the other woman's voice when she began talking, and her eyes widened. Triss had _never_ heard Yennefer speak in any other way besides absolute certainty, and that screamed that there was more to this than the other sorceress was letting on. Unfortunately, Yennefer was rather good at deflecting, and she changed the subject to something Triss could not ignore, as it got her one step closer towards where she longed to be right now.

"I had meant for this to be a surprise, but I've sent for a witcher. He should arrive in three days' time."

"Really?" Triss asked, her attention successfully diverted away from the subject Yennefer apparently did not wish her to touch on. "That's… _thank you, _Yenna; I was so afraid that I would never be able to finish— thank you so much!" Her arms were around the other woman before she knew it, but then she froze, realizing that she and Yennefer had never actually _hugged_ before, and she was a little afraid of how the sorceress would react.

Yennefer didn't pull away from her, but she did pause awkwardly for a moment before giving in to the show of affection and slipping her arms around Triss' waist. "You're very welcome," she responded with a small smile. When she pulled back, she affectionately brushed the hair from the younger girl's shoulder. "Now promise me you'll be careful when you return to Philippa, and I promise I'll stop prying."

Somehow Triss doubted that, but she agreed nonetheless. In the end, perhaps it would be wise to take Yennefer's warning to heart, even though Triss knew that if anything was going to get her hurt, it would be her own desperation to feel needed by someone… and that, along with her slew of other confidence issues brought on by an abusive childhood and her own youthful naivety, was hardly Philippa's fault.

[x]

"Triss, I would like you to meet Geralt of Rivia; the witcher you requested."

Triss looked up from her desk, her jaw slackening at the man in her doorway. Yennefer presented him as though he were a prize she had recently obtained, yet the witcher seemed uncomfortable with the obvious pride in her voice. In fact, he looked as though he would like to be anywhere but here, and it made Triss wonder what it was that Yennefer offered him to get him to agree to this. Although, with the way Yennefer looked at Geralt, perhaps it was foolish for Triss to wonder at all; it was obvious what she'd _like _to give him in return and frankly, Triss would think him an idiot if he did not accept.

To be fair to Yennefer, Geralt was attractive in that sort of way where you weren't entirely sure whether you were frightened or turned on by his appearance. In the end, it was probably just a mixture of both, which was why he seemed so dangerously appealing. Geralt's hair, stark white against his pale skin, was pushed back in a headband. His eyes resembled those of a cat, his complexion tainted by scars and imperfections. His body was muscular though, and the sheer size of him immediately caused Triss' imagination to run wild with images of him crawling on top of her and crushing her beneath the weight of his passion.

Although by the look in Yennefer's eyes, Triss doubted the man topped at all anymore, if he ever had at all. And while that was an _extremely_ attractive quality of Yennefer's, it left something to be desired in regard to Geralt. Frankly, Triss wouldn't know what to do with not just a man, but _anyone_ who did not immediately take control in bed. She wanted to be pinned down, for her hair to be pulled and her shoulder to be bit. She wanted—

"Triss. Stop _gawking_ and say hello; he has traveled a very long way to help you, after all."

She _needed_ to get a hold of herself, because feeling like this was both distracting and embarrassing. She had known better than to breathe in the mandrake's fumes when she was finishing up her glyphs but, as usual, Triss had been up all night working on the project and in her overtired state it had just slipped her mind. In all honesty, however, the effects of the mandrake probably wouldn't be this bad if she hadn't ignored everything else in her life in favor of her studies, but because she rarely indulged in sex, that build up became rather unbearable when coupled with such an intense aphrodisiac.

While it was nothing that Triss couldn't take care of it with a quick masturbation session or six, with Philippa returning any day now and Triss' desire to have everything prepared for when the witcher arrived so that she could quickly finish her thesis and return to her mistress' side, she didn't have time to indulge in such things. So instead, Triss tried to think of anything but her raging libido as she rose from her desk to greet her guest properly.

"I'm sor—" But Triss swallowed her apology instinctively, knowing Philippa would not like it if she heard her apologizing to _anyone, _let alone a man. "I— I appreciate you coming here, witcher. Thank you. I promise I won't take up too much of your time."

Geralt merely grunted in response before he began walking around the room, his eyes searching the bookshelves as he took in his surroundings. Yennefer's piercing eyes followed him, her gaze so intense that it made Triss realize she wasn't the only thirsty one in the room. Triss shifted her stance uncomfortably and cleared her throat, drawing her mentor's attention – albeit reluctantly.

"Did you… explain anything to him, or should I…?" Triss wasn't entirely sure where to begin or if she should just jump right into it, and Yennefer's intense staring match with the witcher's ass was not helping matters, especially when it was making Triss wonder how Yennefer would look riding him.

Her.

_Anybody._

Triss pinched the bridge of her nose.

"You want to try to enhance witcher signs with runes," Geralt answered for her, finally resting his eyes on the younger woman and, alright, perhaps he was more attractive than frightening after all. Triss pursed her lips and stared.

"…In a sense." There was so much more to it than that, but Triss supposed that was the gist of it, yes.

Okay, she needed to stop staring.

Triss tore her eyes away from him and turned back to her desk to rummage through her drawers. "I, um, have already taken the liberty of converting a few runes into glyphs of varying strengths and materials with the hope that at least one of them will work," she explained as she pulled out a few of the objects. "But as this has never been done before, I cannot guarantee results. If we are successful, however, you will be free to take some with you to use on your travels."

"Let me see what you have," Yennefer instructed, crossing the distance between them. Triss was hunched over her desk as she looked at everything she had spread out across the surface, and notably froze when she felt Yennefer practically press herself up against her as she looked over her shoulder. "Some of these might… hm. Actually, it is rather late; perhaps now is not the time to do this. Besides, I'd like to go through these with you before you attempt to use them on Geralt. Is this made from wine stone?"

Triss swallowed and nodded, hating how she felt in that moment because all it could stand to do was make things awkward between her and Yennefer should the older sorceress realize why she was acting strangely, and that was the last thing she wanted. Thankfully, though, it seemed Yennefer did not notice, or at least chose not to comment on it as she turned back towards the witcher.

"This may take a while. Geralt, I will you meet you back in our room; I trust you remember where it is? We will resume this in the morning."

_Their_ room? Well, that certainly put to rest any lingering doubts that Triss had about whether or not they were sleeping together. Triss was a little jealous, but not because she wanted to sleep with either of them – at least, not really. She was more jealous because they were able to expel their energy in such a way, while she was stuck, well… like _this._

She really needed to start being more careful when working with certain materials.

Once Geralt had gone, Yennefer turned back to the desk and picked up the aforementioned stone. "Wine stone will counteract the effects of rebis, which is in quite a few of witcher potions. Get rid of it," she instructed, practically tossing it into the open drawer. "What is this one, hardened beast liver?" she asked, pointing to another glyph that was off-red in shade. "Yes, that may work… and the writing, you made that color from aubergine and mandrake, if I'm not mistaken? No wonder you look like you're about to burst every time someone so much as glances at you. I've warned you about those fumes before."

Triss sucked in a sharp breath, nearly turning purple in embarrassment. She had desperately hoped that Yennefer did not notice how she was acting, but it seemed that she not only noticed, but knew exactly _why _she was acting this way_._ That was definitely her worst-case scenario, and it made Triss want nothing more than to just crawl into a hole and die.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this not supposed to be an independent research project?"

Triss nearly jumped out of her skin from the unexpected sound of Philippa's voice. She sprang away from Yennefer, feeling guilty for reasons she didn't entirely understand as her stomach clenched and her eyes widened. The other woman was learning against the doorway, her arms crossed over chest. Yennefer's eyes narrowed.

"I was giving a dear friend advice, although considering you do not have any friends to speak of – dear or otherwise – I am not surprised that the concept is lost on you," Yennefer retorted before she shot her a sarcastic smile and inclined her head slightly as she greeted, "Philippa."

"_Yennefer."_

Triss was fairly certain she had forgotten how to breathe. She was also pretty sure that Yennefer and she had never been considered 'dear friends' until about ten seconds ago, but that didn't really matter right then. All Triss could do was stare at Philippa as the woman pushed herself off the door frame and approached them. She looked…

She looked _good, _and that was definitely not just the mandrake talking.

"I passed what I assume is your newest pet in the hallway. Your tastes certainly have declined since last we saw one another, haven't they? Pity."

Despite Philippa's intentions, Yennefer looked more amused than upset about the obvious dig at Geralt. "I would remind you that emotional loyalty has a far better value than one's outward appearance, but I know better than to waste my breath on someone so utterly shallow."

"You call it shallow, I call it having standards. But as entertaining as this little reunion has been, I must return to my point – whether you were advising Triss or not, the fact still remains that she is meant to do this on her own," Philippa lectured, apparently not finding Yennefer intimidating in the slightest. Triss could not relate. "Any interference from you or anyone else could force Tissaia to make her choose a different topic, which would put Triss months behind on her thesis and in the meantime rob _me_ of an apprentice. So, if you wouldn't mind, I'd appreciate it if you allowed her to complete this on her own. I'm on a schedule. And, speaking of…"

Philippa beckoned towards Triss, who came to her quickly and obediently. She did not even think twice about it. Philippa smiled, reaching out to smooth the chestnut locks atop the girl's head. A strange warmth invaded Triss' chest… before heading decidedly south of that. Triss' breathing shallowed, and she hoped beyond anything that Philippa would not realize what Yennefer had, because that was the absolute last thing she needed.

"You may finish this later, pet, but now I must borrow you. I acquired a component that I believe to be absolutely essential to what we're trying to achieve, but it has a short shelf-life. That was why I did not wait until the morning to fetch you, despite knowing that you were busy. You must come with me now."

Triss eagerly nodded, no longer caring much about her own project after the warmth of Philippa's palm enveloped her cheek. "Yes, of… of course."

"And what is it that you've acquired, exactly, that demands your immediate attention?" Yennefer quirked an eyebrow, staring down her colleague. She obviously did not believe her claim. "Because any ingredient I can think of that has a short shelf-life would have never made it here from Redania."

Philippa's eyebrow arched in challenge. "Who said I acquired it in Redania?"

But Yennefer just exhaled a disbelieving chuckle, looking at Philippa like she had to be kidding her with this. "Drop the charade. You and I both know why you immediately require her." Perhaps _they_ did, but Triss still did not. "Tell me, do you hope that if you metaphorically measure enough, that you will one day grow one?"

Oh, apparently this was just some kind of power-move on Philippa's part. Although considering how they were acting with one another, Triss wasn't surprised. She had known that they didn't get along, but she hadn't really expected all this simmering animosity either. Whatever their history, it certainly was _messy._

Philippa's expression darkened. Finally, it seemed Yennefer had hit a nerve. "I'm sure you would have _loved_ it if I had."

Triss' eyes widened. _Wait._

Yennefer clenched her jaw. "…That's not fair, Phil."

"Nothing ever is, is it?" Philippa dismissed, all of her walls slamming right back into place as she acted as though Yennefer no longer mattered to her. "Now, if you wouldn't mind, I require my apprentice's assistance. Considering that it was _you_ who suggested her to me, I would have thought you'd have more sense than to sabotage Triss' chance at continuing her education, but perhaps I was wrong."

"I'm not trying to sabotage this for her," Yennefer denied, looking a little exasperated by Philippa's accusation. "Despite what I may personally think of you, I will not deny that you are talented, and that this is a unique opportunity for Triss that I believe you both will benefit from. However, I am also not an idiot, and I know when someone is trying to dismiss me. Although why you feel the need to is lost on me; I may be a mentor to Triss, but I have no desire to overshadow your authority in regard to her apprenticeship. The only thing that concerns me is her well-being and, quite frankly, as intelligent and as talented as Triss may be, she is still very young and very vulnerable, and that makes a bad combination when coupled with… well, someone like you."

Philippa scoffed, insulted by the insinuation. "You have no idea how I conduct my mentorships, Yennefer, and I'd thank you not to assume again. I have far better uses for Triss than her body, if _that's _what you're concerned about. So, you may unclench now; she will be perfectly fine in my care." She quirked an eyebrow then, a challenging look in her eye. "Is that all?"

"No. Considering we both know you do not urgently need her, I am going to suggest you resume your mentorship with Triss tomorrow; she is not exactly at her best and needs some rest."

Well, at least she didn't tell Philippa what she had done; that would have made Triss feel awfully stupid. But even though Yennefer was probably right, and that she probably _shouldn't_ try to do anything until she sorted out the repercussions from the mandrake, she had waited _two whole weeks _and…

And she wanted to go with Philippa.

"If she does not feel well, she can tell me herself; she does not need an absentee note from an overbearing mother-figure."

Yennefer looked indignant at the insinuation, and Triss sucked in a sharp breath once Philippa faced her with an expectant expression. "I…" Triss cleared her throat, realizing it had gone dry. She wanted to tell Philippa that she'd prefer to go with her, but she also could not bear Yennefer's judgmental expression should she do so, and so Triss chickened out as she looked down at the floor and mumbled, "I haven't slept in quite a long time; I don't think I'd be any use to you like this. I wouldn't want to waste your time."

Philippa narrowed her eyes. Her suspicious look dissipated rather quickly, though, and she reached out to gently pinch the younger woman's chin. "You could never waste my time, pet." Triss flushed, her chest tightening. She knew it was probably just a show of affection to irritate Yennefer, but Triss ate it up all the same. "You know where I am, should you change your mind."

Oh, one look like _that _from Philippa and Triss had already changed it. A small smirk tugged at the sorceress' lips that set a river aflood in Triss' underwear and, God, Yennefer was going to be _so_ disappointed in her, but Triss just didn't know how to say no.

And frankly, she did not wish to learn how to either.

**TBC…**


	4. IV.

**IV.**

Triss’ chest heaved as she breathed heavily through her nose. She was trying desperately not to scream, and tiny beads of sweat began to litter her brow as she stared deep into Philippa’s eyes. The older woman sat across from her on the floor, their positions mirrored as they grasped tightly to each other’s forearms. The dimeritium cuff that was fastened around Triss’ left wrist burned against her skin and she pursed her lips as all of Philippa’s magic poured into her with such ferocity that she was fairly certain she might pass out.

When Triss had gone against Yennefer’s recommendation and found Philippa not twenty minutes after she said that she would be retiring to bed, she had still been so terribly concerned with how the mandrake was going to make her act. As it turned out, Triss did not have to worry about that, as the leashing process was far more intense than anything she had ever felt before. It took every ounce of her strength to keep herself _conscious,_ therefore leaving very little else for her to focus on.

“Breathe,” Philippa instructed, her own chest heaving with the overwhelming sensation. A bead of sweat fell from her chin, getting lost in her cleavage. “You are stronger than this, Triss. Look at me. _Look_ at me.”

Triss hadn’t realized her eyesight had gone a little fuzzy until Philippa had demanded her attention. She uncrossed her eyes in an attempt to focus on the woman in front of her. “I don’t… know if I can.”

She had thought the dimeritium would make her unable to feel this process, but as it turned out, there was a delicate formula when it came to the metal’s magic-suppressing abilities, and their combined strength had most certainly overwhelmed it. Triss couldn’t even _imagine_ how this would have felt without the cuff, though, as even with the suppression, this was teetering on the edge of something she could not handle and it nearly frustrated her to tears, because she did not want to look weak in front of Philippa. She wanted to be useful, she wanted to be enough for someone, for _once__…_

“You _can_. Stop crying; you are enough, and you can do this. Look at me, pet. Do not just listen to what I’m telling you, _feel _it. Feel me, I am in there.”

Triss exhaled a shuddered gasp, the tears she hadn’t realized that had leaked out from her eyes causing black streaks down her cheeks. She could; she could feel Philippa almost as though she were a part of herself, and yet despite her assumptions, she felt no disappointment from her. Philippa actually, truly, had faith in her and her abilities, and the realization made Triss even more emotional as she choked back a sob. It was just so unexpected that she did not know how to process it in this raw, vulnerable state, and she began to tremble.

“I will find whoever robbed you of your light and burn everything they love to the ground,” Philippa told her, able to feel Triss’ emotions as much as she could her own. They devastated her in a way she was only able to express in a violent, helpless anger as the feeling of inadequacy tried to suck her dry as they had her apprentice. “Your mother, your father, the first boy who ever made you cry. I will set you free, Triss Merigold; all you have to do is trust me.”

“I trust you,” Triss breathed without question, as she could not fathom a world anymore where she did not. Philippa seemed so intertwined with her now that she could not remember how it felt to be without her, and she exhaled in synchronicity with the woman bound to her.

“Then trust yourself, and trust that you will not hurt me,” Philippa instructed her, placing her free hand on the clasp of Triss’ cuff. “When I unfasten this, you must reverse the channel. If you do not return it, the leashing will be incomplete. Are you ready?”

“No,” Triss answered honestly, but she knew it was only her insecurities talking. They were immediately suffocated however, no doubt by Philippa’s intervention. “Yes,” Triss corrected herself, and Philippa smiled. She was so beautiful when she genuinely smiled; it lit up her entire face and…

…and Philippa’s smile widened. _Oh no._

But Triss did not have time to be embarrassed by the fact that Philippa knew exactly what she was thinking. Philippa released the clasp on the cuff and the metal clanged loudly against the stone floor. Triss reacted on instinct as she was flooded with more magic than she knew what to do with, and desperately tried to send some back from whence it came. Philippa gasped loudly, her face turning a little purple. Unlike Triss, she did not wear a dimeritium cuff when she received the magic, and Triss was starting to fear that that was a mistake.

She could feel what Philippa wanted, however, and so although it pained her to do so, Triss did not reach for the cuff even after a blood-curdling scream ripped its way passed the older woman’s lips. Triss went terribly pale at the sound, her grip on the other woman tightening to the point that her fingertips were sure to leave bruises on Philippa’s arm.

“Talk to me,” Triss pleaded, needing to know she was alright. “_Please.__”_

Philippa wheezed. “You… absolute _idiot.__” _Triss’ heart dropped in her stomach, but the woman’s next words were not derogatory at all. “You are… _so _much more powerful than you believe. This is…” She let her head hang back then as she laughed, before the final wave hit her at full force and the sound that escaped from Philippa’s lips wasn’t quite agonizing anymore, but almost… _enjoyable._

Suddenly, the connection was broken.

Both women toppled over backwards, Triss landing on her elbows as she struggled to catch her breath. Her hair stuck to her forehead and her neck, her clothes uncomfortably drenched in sweat, and yet she did not care. She felt… different. She felt _good. _A little lightheaded, sure, but…

Philippa’s gaze caught hers, and Triss’ breathing shallowed. It was as though she could still feel her inside of her, all around her, and yet it wasn’t nearly as intense as when they were connected. Still, it was an acute reminder that her body and mind was no longer just her own, and Triss pursed her lips as she realized that she went from such terrible isolation, to being bound to another in a rather semi-permanent way.

What did that mean, exactly?

But Triss did not have time to think about it, as she suddenly felt dizzy. “—_Damnit_,” Philippa swore as she watched her apprentice slump over. Triss hadn’t even realized she had lost consciousness until her eyes found their focus on a woman hovering over her. She was no longer on the floor but on the settee in the corner of the room, her Mistress sitting next to her on the edge of the cushion. Philippa’s lips were pursed into a thin line, her brow creased as she looked over her.

“Perhaps using the dimeritium was a mistake,” she mused, noting how pale Triss suddenly looked. “I had thought it would make the transition safer for you, but I underestimated your power. I will not do that again.” Her hand touched the young woman’s forehead, and Triss’ eyes widened as she held her breath. Thank the Gods the effects of the mandrake seemed to have worn off, otherwise Triss would have probably ruined a perfectly good pair of undergarments.

(Oh, who was she kidding? She didn’t need the mandrake for that, and of course they were already ruined.)

“You may feel weak for a few hours,” Philippa warned her, finally removing her hand from her skin. Triss exhaled. “Suppressing the magic and then allowing you to feel it all at once seems to have overwhelmed your body. While I am glad the leashing process did not leave either of us with any lasting damage, I regret that I believed you to be too weak to handle the extent of it without a buffer. You are… _certainly_ not weak, and I am very glad that I chose you. I believe with our combined magics we will be able to achieve things that others can only dare _speculate _about, but first we will have to work on your self-confidence; it hinders you far more than you probably realize and because we are now bound together, that in turn hinders _me.__”_

_Oh._

Triss colored, feeling terribly guilty and ashamed. It was one thing when this only affected herself, but now she had unwittingly subjected Philippa to the same thing? The worst part of it all was that during the first day of her apprenticeship, Philippa had mentioned that most sorceresses were born damaged. Did that mean that she was as well? Did Philippa once feel very small, very unworthy and weak in comparison to those around her? Looking at the woman now, Triss couldn’t fathom it. But if she had, then that meant Philippa had spent so much time and effort trying to claw her way out of the hole of self-despair, only to now be bound to someone who had sunk so far into it.

And that wasn’t fair to her.

“…I’m sorry.”

Philippa clicked her tongue in distaste. “What did I tell you about apologizing?”

Triss pursed her lips, keeping her silence. She understood what Philippa hoped to gain with teaching her to be unapologetic, but sometimes she could not help how she felt, and right now she felt as though she needed to apologize for what Philippa had gotten stuck with. “Mistress… can I ask you something?”

“Mm,” Philippa muttered noncommittally, idly brushing a piece of errant hair from the young woman’s forehead. Triss’ breathing shallowed a little bit at the gesture, but the more Philippa touched her, the more used to it she became. It wasn’t really affectionate per say; more like she was grooming her.

“What was your childhood like?”

Philippa looked down at her, expression unreadable. “You want to know if I was once like you.”

Triss pursed her lips and nodded. While she knew many sorceresses had difficult upbringings, it would _mean_ something to her if Philippa did as well. Not that Triss wished something like that upon her, but if she did grow up ugly and unwanted like Triss had, then she was living proof that things really could turn around. Because as beautiful as Triss was now, as talented and as hard working as she had become, inside she was still very much a scared, ugly little girl who would always be afraid that she wasn’t enough.

“I did not always look like this,” Philippa finally told her after a long pause, no doubt weighing the pros and cons of revealing something so personal to a woman she barely knew. In the end, she must have realized that it could help Triss if she were honest, and so she told her, her story. “But my curse was also a blessing in disguise, although I did not know it for a very long time.”

Triss furrowed her brow, listening intently. She could feel something inside of her that she could not name, but she knew that it did not belong to her. Whatever this feeling was, it belonged to Philippa.

“When I was in my mother’s womb, I had a sister. She did not develop as I did however, and when I was born, half of her was still attached to me,” Philippa continued, causing Triss’ eyes to widen. That sounded… horrific. “I was an abomination, to put it mildly; I will spare you the visual details. My mother tried to drown me shortly after I was born, convinced that I was a demon sent to punish her from a sorceress she had crossed many years before. Perhaps I was. Either way, it did not matter, as some stranger on the road came across her and saved me. I was brought up in an orphanage until I was taken to Aretuza many years later, where during my transformation I absorbed the rest of my sister’s form, and became vastly more powerful. As it turned out, she was a dead weight for my magic. She might have been the only one of the two of us who would have had real power should we had been born separately, and for a long time I wondered if I knew that in the womb and tried to stifle her creation in order to have it for myself.”

“You felt guilty,” Triss answered for her, trying to name the feeling that was not her own that swirled in the pit of her stomach, but Philippa hissed softly through her teeth.

“Not quite. I felt I was owed it - that I was owed the power she gave me by not fully developing in her own right, although only because her parasitic form destroyed the normal life that I could have had if not for her.” Triss could feel it now, the resentment that burned deep within her Mistress even after all these years. It was stronger now, easily recognizable. “I hated my sister, or what was left of her. I was glad to be rid of that blight upon my life. At times that train of thought made me feel guilty – I'd been told that's not how one should think of family. It has been a very long time since I cared though. I no longer try to hold myself to ridiculous moral standards as they are nothing but a waste of time.”

“But to answer your question, pet, yes, I was once like you,” Philippa finished, looking down at her protégé who stared up at her with wide, innocent eyes. “My past affected me greatly during my training here, and it took me a very long time to move past it. You are not alone in feeling this way, but it is only temporary. You have a very long life ahead of you, Triss, and this is but a blip. Soon, none of this will matter. You will see.”

Triss nodded, accepting the other woman’s words as truth. She had to be right, didn’t she? If she went through something similar and came out on the other side of it stronger, more powerful, then why couldn’t Triss?

What was stopping her?

[x]

“I did it!” Triss happily exclaimed as she watched the witcher’s Igni sign become vastly more powerful to the point that… well, that it actually lit a tree on fire as it extended farther than the man had assumed it would. However, Yennefer was on it, immediately extinguishing the fire. As Triss jumped up and down in excitement, feeling an intense rush of power and accomplishment that seemed to make her hairs stand on end, the other woman’s lips creased into a frown.

“A little too well, I’d say.”

Triss scrunched up her nose, out of breath as her joy was practically ripped out from beneath her. “Why do you have to say it like that? I _did_ it, Yenna. I proved my thesis. Why are you not more excited for me?” It hurt, honestly. Suddenly Triss’ chest felt very heavy and she looked at the other woman in disbelief of her emotional betrayal. Yennefer, however, did not look apologetic.

She looked _suspicious._

“You can make more of these?” Geralt interrupted as he turned the glyph over in his palm, his interest evident. At least _someone _appreciated her hard work.

“Yes. However, just because I’ve made it work with Igni does not mean that they will compliment your other signs. I still have more tests to run, but this is a step in the right direction— why are you _looking_ at me like that?” Triss demanded, hating how Yennefer was staring at her. The other woman had crossed the space between them and their suddenly proximity was making Triss uncomfortable because it felt like the sorceress was _dissecting_ her.

“What have you taken?”

Triss blinked. “What do you mean?”

“You’re using magic-enhancing substances— No, do not lie to me! You’re out of breath, your pupils are dilated, and you should not have been able to make the glyph _that_ strong at your age and with your experience,” Yennefer accused, looking torn between being terribly disappointed in her and so very, very angry. “Do you not know what you are risking? That stuff can become as addictive as fisstech, and even more dangerous because it is imbued with _magic!_”

“Yen— Yenna, I’m _not!__” _Triss insisted, hardly able to believe that Yennefer had just accused her of that. “I’ve never— that kind of stuff is for commoners with the disposition but no formal training. What— how could you even _think_ such a thing?” Honestly, Triss was torn between being very upset and very offended. She took a step back from the other woman, her brow creasing and her throat tightening.

Finally, _finally_ Triss felt confident in what she was doing, and this was the reaction she got? Not that she never felt pride or accomplishment in any of her other educational pursuits, but Triss never allowed herself to really celebrate most of them, as she always knew there was so much more she had to achieve in order to become the kind of sorceress she wished to be. And although Triss knew she was still nowhere near the level she wanted to be at, she was trying to be more forgiving of herself. Just because these kinds of feelings of inadequacy were something that most sorceresses experienced did not mean that she had to wallow in them. Especially since it had become clear to her that they were in no way going to be a permanent fixture in her life.

Besides, Triss felt _good._ She felt… she felt damn powerful, if she were being honest. After she had rested and the side effects of the dimeritium had worn off, she finally began to feel the combined magics of her and Philippa. It rushed through her veins like a rampaging river, and the first time she used it it nearly took her breath away. Perhaps Yennefer was right in a way _–_ it did feel like a drug, but one that she had control over. Either way, Yennefer’s accusation made Triss feel like she had cheated to get these results, when _she_ was the one who encouraged her to gain a magical advantage by apprenticing for Philippa.

Honestly, it upset Triss quite a bit. She suddenly felt persecuted for merely taking Yennefer’s suggestion. And now, when she finally felt powerful, more confident in herself, actually _happy _for one, brief moment, Yennefer felt the need to cut her down a notch by accusing her of illegally manufacturing the results of her success?

_– You_ _’re distressed. What’s happened? –_

Triss chest seized in surprise and she instinctively looked around for the voice despite knowing full-well that it came from inside of her own mind. While telepathy was not something new for mages, all who had formal education had warded their minds against it when they were very young. It was one of the first things they learned to do, as someone knowing your thoughts could easily end up being the best weapon they have against you. Triss would have had to consciously open up her mind to allow Philippa through like that; or, at least she thought.

Apparently the rules had changed.

Philippa could not just read her mind, it seemed, but feel her emotions. She could tell something was wrong, even at such a great distance. Suddenly, Triss felt very suffocated. Before, when they were near one another and could feel bits and pieces, that was fine; it was to be expected, even. But this? This made Triss feel very violated and she didn’t like it. And yes, Philippa had warned her that leashing could very well end up feeling invasive at times, but she hadn’t expected to feel like this so suddenly, and so unexpectedly.

_– Nothing. Everything is_ _… everything’s fine. – _

_– You_ _’re lying. – _

_– Stop. Stop reading my mind, Mistress, please. – _

Silence, and Triss could finally breathe. She had gone terribly pale though, the whites of her eyes showing as she suddenly tried to re-ward herself against such an invasion. But that was the thing _– _her wards weren’t down at all. What she and Philippa had done transcended barriers like that, and now Triss felt like she was going to vomit.

“Triss!”

“She… she was in my head.”

Yennefer stared at her with a perplexed expression, but it was Geralt who spoke. “I thought telepathy was something ‘automatic’ with you mages.” Yennefer pursed her lips, looking a little guilty. Apparently, she had read his mind more than once and used that as an excuse for her actions. And maybe it _was _automatic with her _– _to do something like that with people who weren’t properly trained to keep their thoughts private _– _but that was not the case with sorceresses, and Yennefer knew it.

“Sorceresses are taught at a young age to ward their minds against telepathy. If two mages wish to communicate that way they can, but there needs to be a mutual agreement. By the look on Triss’ face, I don’t believe this was mutual,” Yennefer answered him before taking the girl’s hand, leading her over to a stone wall to sit down upon. Triss felt like she would have fallen down if she didn’t rest her weight somewhere, and she followed without protest. “What has she done to you? You don’t look right, Triss. Tell me what’s happened.”

“No, she— she didn’t _do_ anything to me that I did not consent to,” Triss tried to explain, because she didn’t want Yennefer to think that Philippa was taking advantage of her in some way. “I was just… _surprised,_ was all. I know— I mean, I knew there would be side-effects, but I didn’t…”

“That _what_ would have side-effects?” Yennefer asked dangerously, her eyes narrowing.

Triss pursed her lips, unwilling to share her experiences with her mentor just then. She was still very upset with Yennefer for actually believing that she had used magic-enhancing substances to gain results and, more than that, Triss knew she probably would not approve of Philippa’s methods anyhow. “It doesn’t matter; I’m fine now,” she dismissed. “It just startled me for a second, that’s all. But my mis— _Philippa_, she needs me.” If she had slipped up and used the word ‘Mistress’ in front of Yennefer, Triss was fairly certain she would have no other choice but to dig herself a hole and die in it. “That’s all. She was just asking me to find her. I should go.”

“Triss.”

Yennefer had snatched the younger woman’s wrist in her hand, stilling her movements. But instead of obliging her, Triss untangled herself from her mentor’s grasp and stepped away from her. “You know, I was really excited about this,” she finally told her, emotion beginning to tighten her esophagus. “I haven’t allowed myself to celebrate my accomplishments for as long as I could remember, and instead of being happy for me, you accuse me of practically cheating.”

“You can tell me that you aren’t all you wish, but _something_ is different, and you and I both know it,” Yennefer responded unapologetically. Geralt, who had had been watching this altercation from a distance, finally decided that this was none of his business and disappeared from the gardens. Neither women noticed. “And the less you say, the more suspicious I become. So if you’d like me to believe that you aren’t altering your magic with those kinds of substances, then perhaps you should explain to me why your magic has grown exponentially in a matter of days.”

“I don’t owe you an explanation, Yennefer,” Triss responded strongly, even though after she said it, she began to feel very nauseas. She tried to keep it together though and stood tall, looking down at the woman who still sat, as irritatingly poised as ever, atop the stone wall. “I know you don’t fully trust Philippa’s methods, but _you_ were the one who told me to apply for apprenticeship. And I’m starting to feel a little better about myself now. I’m allowing myself to try to be happy and somewhat more confident, and it’s _working. _Why are you trying to take that away from me?”

“I’m not,” Yennefer insisted. She exhaled, looking frustrated. “I just… cannot shake this bad feeling, and Philippa is known to cross boundaries. I do hope with everything that I have that this apprenticeship is beneficial to you, but when your magic changes so drastically in such a short amount of time, I believe I have cause for concern.”

“I’m _learning,__”_ Triss stressed, her expression incredulous. “Wasn’t that what I was supposed to do?”

“Perhaps, but there is still something you aren’t telling me, and your unwillingness to be honest with me doesn’t exactly fill me with confidence.”

Triss pursed her lips as she looked away, shaking her head in disbelief. “You know, you could have just apologized. You could’ve just had confidence in _me_ and believed that I know how to make sound decisions for myself. Instead, you do this. How am I supposed to believe in myself when even someone who claims they’re a ‘dear friend’ of mine doesn’t have faith in me?”

“Triss…” Yennefer’s tone was almost condescending, as though she thought she was overreacting to this. That only made Triss angrier.

“And another thing!” she suddenly blurted out, unable to stop herself now that the floodgates had opened. “I don’t appreciate you pretending that we’re closer than we are just because you want to one-up somebody else. I’m sorry that your relationship with Philippa turned to shit, but I don’t want to end up in the middle of some kind of pissing contest just because you’re bitter that she won’t sleep with you anymore!”

Okay, that might have been too far. It was also a _wild_ guess that probably wasn’t anywhere near true _– _well, at least the reason why it ended, because Triss wasn’t _stupid;_ they had definitely fucked at least once _– _but Triss was just mad, and when she was mad apparently that made her put her foot in her mouth.

Yennefer stared at her, and suddenly Triss went from feeling as tall as a tree to as minuscule as a sprout. “I _suggest,__” _Yennefer began slowly, making Triss feel smaller and smaller with each word, “that you refrain from commenting on something that you know nothing about. I will let it pass by this time, however, _only_ because I seemed to have upset you quite a bit and that was not my intention. But perhaps you were right before: you should return to your… _mentor.__”_

Triss’ cheeks flared a deep red at the way Yennefer said that, like she somehow just _knew_ that that wasn’t what Triss called Philippa. Perhaps her slip was more noticeable than she originally thought. Either way, Triss had no desire to stick around and find out. She practically fled from the gardens, somehow even more upset than when they first began this argument. Wasn’t sticking up for herself supposed to make her feel better?

So then why did she suddenly feel so much worse?

**TBC** **…**


	5. V.

**V.**

“I just don’t understand why she automatically has to assume the worst!”

Triss was pacing back and forth erratically, still terribly upset about her fight with Yennefer. What made it worse was that she also felt guilty about how she approached the situation, as Yennefer had always been helpful and supportive towards her and her education. It seemed that the other woman did want her to succeed, which was why she encouraged her to apprentice for a sorceress that she _clearly_ still had some issues with. Yennefer knew that Philippa could help her, and in the end, that seemed to win out above all else.

And perhaps Triss _should_ have been more sympathetic towards her situation. Whatever had happened between her and Philippa obviously did not end well. Yennefer was just trying to look out for her, wasn’t she? She wanted to make sure that she was safe, both physically and emotionally. Shouldn’t Triss be _grateful_ for that?

But then there was this other part of her that was still so _angry_ about it all. Whether Yennefer was looking out for her or not, she shouldn’t have jumped straight to the assumption that Triss was _cheating_ in some way to get her results. Even if she believed Philippa capable of using questionable methods for her own gain, that did not mean that Triss automatically would as well. And it wasn’t as though Philippa was using magic-enhancing substances either! Well, at least not like that. Perhaps leashing was a magical-enhancing ritual in its own right, capable of having just as many highs and lows as a drug. So then was Yennefer _right?_

_Was_ she just using some kind of shortcut to get what she desired?

“Using an advantage is not _cheating,_ pet.”

“I told you to stop reading my thoughts!” Triss exclaimed in her wave of anger before she remembered who she was speaking. “Mistress. Please.”

“Don’t request something with a ‘please’ if you feel strongly about it,” Philippa told her, resting on the edge of her desk as she crossed her arms over her chest. “_Demand_ it of me, and maybe then I’ll respect it.”

“Fine, then… then get out of my head!” Triss demanded. She wished it came out more self-assured than that, but it was a start. “I’m trying _so _hard to be the person you want me to— No, that _I _want to be; powerful and confident and _important._ I can already turn into such a mess around you, so if you knew what I _thought,_ then… believe me, it would be so much worse. I can't handle that on top of everything else right now, so just… just stop.”

Amusement tugged at the edges of Philippa’s lips. “If I knew what? That you desire me? I don't have to read your thoughts to know that, so I wouldn’t concern myself with something like that if I were you.”

Triss internally groaned, fisting her hands over her eyes. Philippa chuckled.

“Come here.”

Triss’s legs obeyed without permission from her brain, for if they had, Triss would have certainly not gone near her. Being this close to Philippa made her heart race and her mouth go dry, and now with the way the woman was _looking _at her…

“While your hero-worship is absolutely _delicious,”_ Philippa began and, _oh,_ suddenly Triss felt a wave of desire that did not originate from her. Philippa touched her cheek before her thumb dragged across the expanse of the younger woman’s bottom lip. Her eyes were dark, and Triss’ breathing shallowed. “And as much as I would revel in taking advantage of it and educating you in an altogether _different_ way, despite the rumors and the assumptions to the contrary, I actually do take this kind of relationship seriously and do not wish to taint it.”

_Oh._

“You are disappointed.”

The base of Triss’ abdomen tightened, her shame conflicting quite terribly with her frustration. “I said _stop.”_

“That was an assumption based off of your expression. I was not reading your mind,” Philippa clarified, letting her hand fall from the other woman’s face. “Which, let me assure you, I have not done once purposefully. When you were arguing with Yennefer, I could feel your distress but could not specifically read why due to the distance between us. Now that we are closer, however, it is far easier and rather instinctual to look inside _all_ of you, which I’m sure would be true in reverse, if only you were able to get of your own head.”

Wait… really?

For some reason, Triss never even fathomed that she could have the same advantages over Philippa as she did over her. That wasn’t how their relationship was supposed to work, wasn’t it? Triss was the subservient to Philippa’s domineering nature. But then again, when they performed the leashing, it _did_ go both ways, so maybe…

It took a lot longer than Triss was proud of to finally get out of her own head, but when she _did—_ Triss hissed, her entire face flushing red at the images inside the other woman’s mind. Philippa’s smirk widened, apparently endlessly amused by her little stunt. “You did that on purpose!” Triss accused, now very much unable to get the thought of Philippa’s hand between her thighs out of her head. The feeling was consuming her, and her insides clenched in desire as the sound of Philippa’s labored breathing echoed in the back of her mind.

Triss balled her hand up into a fist, her nails digging into her palm. It was the only thing she could do to distract herself.

“Of course I did,” Philippa admitted unapologetically. “I knew you would attempt it, and while I wanted to know if you _could,_ I also did not need you having free reign inside there. I knew that would shock you enough that you would not dig deeper and, as demonstrated, I was correct. But now that we know you can, I will ask the same of you as you have of me; do _not_ purposely go looking inside of my head, do you understand me?”

Triss swallowed, her cheeks still tinged maroon. “Yes, Mistress.”

“Good. Now, do yourself a favor and remember what I said, and what you saw, as your ridiculous insecurities _– _ especially where your attractiveness and your worthiness is concerned _– _are not helping matters. You are a beautiful woman, Triss Merigold. Maybe you didn’t start out that way, but neither did I. In the end, who we were does not matter _– _ only who we are, and who we hope to become. Recognize that you are something to be desired and hold yourself as such, and perhaps I may one day forget that I do have at least one moral standpoint I try to uphold.”

Triss’ eyes widened a little, hardly able to believe that Philippa would even _consider_ something like that. She still felt so very small in the wake of Philippa’s presence, and constantly feared that she would disappear in either her or Yennefer’s shadow.

“…Really?”

“Truthfully, no,” Philippa reevaluated and responded, making Triss deflate a little. “As you no doubt have already realized, sex can destroy relationships, and I still have uses for you. But you will not be my apprentice forever, pet,” she reminded her, her fingertips tracing the shape of the younger woman’s jaw. Triss exhaled unsteadily, her whole body flushing in desire, “and I would be lying if I said I did not wish to indulge in _all_ that you had to offer me, at least once.”

_Oh. _Oh my Gods.

Triss was torn between feeling as though she had ascended, and fearing that Philippa was merely toying with her for her own amusement. Yennefer _had_ warned her about getting emotionally hurt, but it wasn’t as though Triss wasn’t already prepared for the possibility regardless. It was becoming very apparent that she was developing a crush on a woman who was only meant to instruct her, and those types of things never ended well. So if Triss was to get her heart broken anyway, wouldn’t it at least make it worth it if she was able to sleep with her first?

Gods, Yennefer was going to be _so_ angry with her; she warned her about Philippa’s sexual prowess and the emotional destruction it could cause, and yet Triss wished to climb right into the alligator’s mouth.

—Shit. _Yennefer._

“What is it?” Philippa asked, seeing the expression on Triss’ face change quite drastically. Triss took a step back from her, needing to establish distance after realizing what she was doing, what she wanted, and what kind of person that made her.

“I don’t— I can’t do this,” Triss told her, voice quavering. “I mean, not that I think you really want to; or at least, I know that you don’t want to _now_, but—” Triss shook her head, knowing she was rambling. “I know I’m angry with her, but Yennefer is… she’s my friend.” It was the first time Triss used that word and meant it, and it hurt a little bit because she was unsure if Yennefer even thought of her as such when she was not attaching all sorts of fakeness to it just to spite an ex-lover. “I don’t want to get in the middle of anything.”

Philippa outright _laughed_ at that, but it didn’t sound amused at all. It sounded spiteful.

“Get in the ‘middle’ of anything?” she repeated disbelievingly. “She did not tell you the details of our brief affair, I take it.” Triss pursed her lips, and Philippa scoffed. “The only thing that Yennefer wanted from me is what she is no doubt taking from _you, _and as something so one-sided could never cause any friction, I wouldn’t concern myself with it, if I were you.”

Triss’ brow creased, and Philippa’s brow raised as she saw the genuine confusion there.

“She’s never _once_ had you pleasure her?” she asked, although the very thought of it was unfathomable. Triss stared at her in disbelief, but Philippa merely scoffed and continued.

“What a waste. Although perhaps it was foolish of me to assume she’d even suggest it, considering she now has that _witcher_ to lap at her cunt. Why would she want a woman when she finally has a man?”

_Oh._

Maybe it wasn’t _Yennefer _who was bitter after all.

“Well, perhaps it’s for the best, pet. She would have given you _nothing_ in return, and I do mean that in absolutely every sense of the word.”

Triss pursed her lips and, despite knowing that she might be overstepping, cautiously asked, “Did you… have feelings for her?” Considering the amount of bitterness between them, she doubted this was something purely sexual. It didn’t necessarily have to be romantic though; for all Triss knew, they could have just been very good friends, and having sex ruined that when they both realized they wanted different things. It would have made sense, especially with Philippa’s earlier comment that sex destroyed relationships.

“Of course not. I merely detest women who preach one thing and practice another, and she’s still angry that I dissolved our personal and professional relationship over it,” Philippa explained, brushing it off. “But honestly, I don't know why you concern yourself with Yennefer of Vengerberg; I know that she helped you by bringing that witcher here, but you don't owe her anything, let alone an explanation. Focus on finishing your thesis, and then you and I may go to Redania. I have spoken to King Vizimir and he has allowed you to return with me. Unfortunately, he is hosting a large banquet at the end of the harvest season, and will have many international guests. He cannot spare the room for you, save perhaps in the servant’s quarters.”

“Oh. That’s…” Not at all the adventure Triss wished to embark on, but she did not want to complain. “That’s fine.”

Philippa shot Triss a disbelieving look at her compliant reaction. “I, of course, told him that that was unacceptable, and informed him that you would be sharing my quarters for the duration of your visit. I will not have my apprentice sleep in the muck and filth like some kind of mangy _dog.”_

Triss instantly felt stupid for even having thought that Philippa would allow such a thing, and her gaze hit the floor as she meekly responded: “…Thank you.”

“Do not thank me. You should have known that those arrangements weren’t acceptable for your lodgings. Just because someone offers you something, does not mean that you have to take it, and it _certainly_ does not mean that you aren’t worth more,” Philippa reminded her. Triss pursed her lips and nodded in understanding, internally kicking herself for getting trapped in that mindset again. She didn’t dwell on her mistake, however. Instead, she took a breath, reminded herself that she was worth something, and looked back up to catch her Mistress’ gaze.

Triss understood why Yennefer had warned her. Philippa was both incredibly desirable and terribly dangerous, but that was not why Triss liked her. It was _this; _it was her constant reassurance, her absolute certainly that Triss was worth far more than she could ever realize, and her unwillingness to accept anything less than that. Philippa barely knew Triss, and yet she took her under her wing and helped her learn how to stand on her own two feet, even though she did not have an obligation to teach her anything other than magics and sorcery. She gave a shit, and Philippa’s constant grooming and praise made Triss finally feel like she was worthy of attention, worthy of care.

In the end, how could she _not_ fall for that?

[x]

“…I’m sorry.”

“For?” Yennefer responded distractedly as she pored over a book that Triss was certain she had stopped reading the second she saw her in her peripheral. Triss pursed her lips, leaning against the threshold of Yennefer’s bedroom door.

“For a lot of things.”

Yennefer finally looked up at her. The soft light from the candle made her skin glow in the small corner of the room where her desk resided. As Philippa had taken up the office for guest lecturers as well as the largest quarters, it seemed Yennefer did not have space of her own outside of the bedroom she was currently sharing with the witcher. Thankfully though, Geralt was not around. Triss would not have wanted to have this conversation in front of witnesses. This felt… private. Personal.

Yennefer exhaled a slow breath, her gaze never leaving the other woman’s. “I am sorry as well.”

Triss’ brow cinched in guilt, her hip digging into the edge of the doorway. “We are friends… aren’t we, Yenna?” Her voice was soft, uncertain, and Yennefer gently sighed, her expression surprisingly understanding.

“Of course we are. What’s wrong?”

“No, I—” Triss tried before she realized maybe something _was_ wrong after all. Her face scrunched up in apology, realizing that she had toppled over the edge now, and was just barely holding on. “I like her, Yenna,” she admitted softly, her fingernails picking at the peeling paint along the edge of the threshold. Suddenly, she felt very foolish. “And I know it’s eventually going to hurt me. She’s going to fuck me, she’s going to emotionally tear me open and then just toss me aside, and yet I _want_ that. Why do I want that?”

“Because she is beautiful,” Yennefer answered for her. She did not sound angry with her, but she looked disappointed. It made Triss feel so very small. “She is powerful, and she… she knows how to make you feel special.” Yennefer hesitated for a moment before concluding, “Believe me.”

Triss crossed her arms over her abdomen, still a little afraid to move from the threshold and establish permanency in a space that was not her own. “Philippa told me that your relationship was one-sided,” she replied, inviting a conversation. Triss was curious, but she also knew it wasn’t any of her business, and that Yennefer had the right to privacy in that regard.

It seemed that Yennefer had decided that maybe she should be a bit more forthcoming after all, and corrected, “Sexually, yes. Emotionally… no.”

Triss did not comment, and a guilty expression passed across the older sorceress’ face. “We were friends once,” Yennefer told her, fingernails anxiously drumming on the surface of her desk before she realized what she was doing, stopped, and sat back in her seat with her hands folded in her lap. “Our professional relationship had evolved into some kind of mutual respect, which eventually turned into… well, something that I thought I wanted. I was young. I had never been with a woman before, and instead of experimenting with someone who did not matter, I ended up hurting someone I cared about when I realized I was not physically attracted to her.”

_Oh. _No wonder Philippa was upset.

“She still has not forgiven me. I’m not entirely sure I’ve forgiven myself, but I _am_ tired of being blacklisted from nearly every mage gathering on the Continent because of her. What I did was not on purpose, and it was a very long time ago,” Yennefer told her, voice growing stronger as she solidified the reasons for her anger. “I cared about her quite a lot and, despite what she may claim, she was not the only one who this hurt.”

Actually, Philippa seemed content pretending that she had no real feelings for Yennefer, but Triss kept her mouth shut. Yennefer did not need to know that Philippa dismissed their relationship as being unimportant, but the blatant _lie_ that that was did begin to give Triss some cause for concern. What if Philippa's’ interest in her was only some elaborate scheme to get back at Yennefer?

“Have you ever been with a woman, Triss?” Yennefer asked suddenly. Triss shook her head, a sinking feeling beginning to make camp in the pit of her stomach. “Do _not_ start with her. If you heed no other warning of mine, please, heed that one.”

Triss nodded, unable to find her voice as suddenly a new wave of anxieties and concerns washed over her. She couldn’t even _imagine_ the damage to her self-esteem if Philippa was only interested in her because she wanted to make Yennefer jealous, or hurt her in some way. Part of Triss tried to convince herself that Philippa would never have the patience for such a long con, but another part reminded her of the pissing contest that the two women had over her the last time the three of them had been in a room together, and how blatantly Philippa wished to exercise her power over her in front of Yennefer.

What if she was nothing but a pawn in someone else’s game?

“I know how impossible it is to not find yourself infatuated with her,” Yennefer sympathized, and Triss swallowed the lump in her throat. “She’s good at reading people. I assume that’s why she calls you ‘pet’ and grooms you at every possible moment. Yes, I noticed, and _yes,_ I have a pretty good idea of what she makes you call her in return. You are not as subtle as you believe you are.”

Triss’ ears turned pink. “She doesn’t _make _me call her that,” she corrected. “I wanted to. And it’s not— it’s not a _sex_ thing, it’s…”

“I know it’s not,” Yennefer responded, interrupting the other woman’s flimsy explanation of the dynamic between her and her Mistress. “Because if it was, you would already be lapping at her cunt like the obedient puppy you long to be, and you and I would not be having this conversation.”

Triss would be offended, if it weren’t so obviously true. Instead, she fell silent.

“What is that you want from her, exactly? Do you even know?”

Triss did not respond right away, taking a moment to think.

“I want to _matter,” _she finally told her. It was the most honest answer she could think of in that moment, but it looked like the words broke Yennefer’s heart.

“You matter to me, Triss.”

“I know,” Triss responded softly with a small, grateful smile. “But I want to matter to_ myself, _and Philippa… she teaches me to respect myself. She reminds me that I am important, that I am worthy. I feel… I feel like I like myself when I’m with her, and not just because it feels like she likes me as well.”

A deep crease formed between the older sorceress’ brow.

“Then I am_ very _sorry I do not make you feel the same.”

Triss looked up at her, surprised. She hadn’t even thought of it like that, and she certainly didn’t mean to imply that Philippa was more supportive than Yennefer was. But it seemed she had regardless, and that Yennefer felt genuinely apologetic that she did not inspire the same confidence within her.

“Yenna…”

Yennefer stood from her desk before coming around and crossing the distance between them. The corners of Triss’ lips were turned down into a frown, sadness weighing in the pit of her stomach. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean it like that,” Triss breathed, not wanting Yennefer to feel like she wasn’t a good friend, because she _was._

“I know you didn’t,” Yennefer responded understandingly. She tucked a stray piece of hair away from the younger woman’s eyes before the warmth of her palm rested against Triss’ cheek. “Be wary about how you proceed, Triss. If you’re not careful, she will make you fall in love with her, and I… do not know if she is capable of returning it.”

Triss pursed her lips, but nodded her understanding. Yennefer smiled, her touch affectionate and caring. Sometimes, she was like the big sister that Triss never had.

“Good. Now, it’s late; you should head off to bed,” Yennefer instructed. “You still have quite a lot of work to do on your thesis, and I wouldn’t want to see your education suffer just because you’re preoccupied with your little crush.”

Triss scrunched up her nose, but realized that that was really all it was in the end: a crush.

After all, she barely knew Philippa. Maybe she was being a bit too hasty, and getting caught up in the whirlwind of it all. Philippa showed a _mild_ interest in her, and it was only sexually, so perhaps it wasn’t time to contemplate jumping off the deep end just yet. Besides, there was also the horrible possibility of Philippa using her to get back at Yennefer, and until Triss could find out whether or not that was true, she should probably try to keep her emotions in check.

Because if Philippa could get her to ascend this quickly, then Triss did not even want to _imagine_ the damage she could cause if she suddenly forced her to crash back into a horrible, bitter reality.

**TBC…**


	6. VI.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is turning into a terrible cliché, but I stopped caring awhile ago. Sometimes clichés are fun, and I desperately need to not take my writing seriously for a hot minute. My novel is driving me insane, lmao. Writing is hard.

**VI.**

_“Do _not_ start with her. If you heed no other warning of mine, please, heed that one.” _

Yennefer’s words turned over in Triss’ mind as she unsuccessfully tried to focus on her thesis. She had finished the practical application, and Geralt had gone back to wherever it was that he came from with an arsenal of glyphs that made his signs exponentially more powerful. Triss was quite proud of herself, and equally excited because the closer she came to finishing this project, the closer she was to leaving Aretuza with Philippa. The one thing she _did _miss was Yennefer, who had left with Geralt. Triss knew she would be back, as she always was, but because Triss would soon be leaving Aretuza, their parting held more finality than Triss would have liked.

She missed her terribly.

The large library of Aretuza was practically deserted outside of Triss, who had an endless amount of books and papers spread across the table she had claimed as her own. It was the weekend. Most of the students liked to spend their free time doing something _other_ than studying, but not Triss. She felt like she was on a deadline, and she didn’t want to delay for fear of disappointing Philippa.

“You know, you never say hi to me anymore. I’m beginning to feel insulted.”

Triss pulled herself out of her staring contest with the wall to lay eyes on Keira Metz, another student who was a handful of years older than her and on the cusp of graduating. Because she had done so well in school for many years, Keira seemed to be treating this final year like some kind of vacation and was barely around. They were roommates, but Triss could not remember the last time she saw Keira sleep in her own bed.

“You’re never around. Can you please get off my papers?” Triss asked after she watched the woman hop up on the table, ignoring the chair next to her. “I’m trying to finish my thesis.”

Keira ignored her request. She picked one of the grapes that Triss had been snacking on off of its stem, popping it in her mouth. “Is it true you’re fucking Philippa Eilhart?” she asked, her mouth full.

“What? _No. _Who’s saying that?_”_

Keira swallowed. “Everyone. You _are_ her new apprentice, aren’t you?” She still did not move from her place on the desk, and Triss narrowed her eyes in irritation.

“This may shock you, but sex and education do not always go hand-in-hand,” Triss responded curtly. “Despite how often I’ve heard you’ve indulged in it, on school property no less.”

Keira was… well, certainly not a virgin, and _definitely_ not shy. It was her influence that made Triss sneak away from Aretuza for the sole reason of indulging in a rendezvous with a boy who ended up breaking her heart and, ever since then, Triss had tried to stay away from her. She didn’t want to be talked into something else that might end up hurting her.

Keira, however, outright laughed at her claim. “Oh come on, everyone knows she fucks her students.”

Gods, Triss _hoped_ not, because then what did that say about her, if Philippa didn’t want to touch her until after their academic relationship had run its course? “It’s a stupid rumor, Keira. That’s all.”

“If you insist,” the other woman conceded with a shrug. She obviously did not care that much. She took another grape, making a show of popping it off of the vine with her teeth, and Triss stared.

_“Do not start with her.”_

Alright, perhaps the stray thought of starting with _Keira_ of all people might be a little… well, out there, because while Triss could objectively say the woman was beautiful, she had never really thought about Keira _that way_ before now… but Yennefer’s words continued to replay in the back of Triss’ mind, and she definitely did not want what happened to Yennefer to happen to her. What if she only _thought _she wanted to fuck Philippa, but in the end found that she wasn’t particularly big on touching women in that way? That would be… that would be _awful, _and would no doubt come with some heavy repercussions if she lead Philippa on in the same way that Yennefer did.

Triss had to be certain.

“Do you… maybe want to get out of here?” Triss asked uncertainly, suddenly realizing she had absolutely _no _idea how to come on to someone. Keira glanced at her, an eyebrow quirked.

“You have never once wanted to spend time with me. What do you want?”

“That’s— I mean, that’s not entirely true. I snuck out of Aretuza with you once,” Triss defended, suddenly feeling very foolish, and _immensely_ out of her element. She drummed her fingers against the edge of the table, squirming uncomfortably in her seat. Keira just continued to stare at her.

“Only because I promised I could rid you of that pesky virginity of yours,” Keira countered, not falling for her bullshit. “What, do you have _another _virginity you’d like me to help you lose? Because that is apparently all I am useful for.”

It took every ounce of confidence and willpower that Triss had to say this out loud, but if she wanted this, she needed to not shy away from it. “Yes. I do.” Her voice was surprisingly steady, and Triss made sure to hold her gaze. She needed Keira to realize she was serious.

Keira looked surprised for a moment, but that quickly made way for an arrogant smirk that tugged at the corners of her lips. She leaned back on her hands, looking endlessly amused by their newfound dynamic.

_“Really.”_

Triss tried very hard not to feel embarrassed, because if she wanted to rid herself of yet another unwanted virginity, she did not have time to play coy or be shy about it. “Look, are you interested or not?”

“I could be. What’s in it for me?”

“Is fucking me not enough?” Triss asked boldly, and Keira chuckled. She finally slid off the table, but instead of sitting next to Triss, she brazenly straddled her lap. The younger woman inhaled a sharp breath, the heat of Keira’s body igniting her senses and absolutely torturing her libido. Thankfully, the only other person who had been within her vicinity had packed up their study materials and left, but Triss had a feeling Keira would not have cared even if they were still there.

Keira leaned forward, her lips brushing Triss’ ear. Her voice was low, sultry. It… well, it certainly _did_ things to Triss, which was good, considering she needed to know if she was really into women, or if her crush on Philippa was just some effect of her misguided hero-worship. “We do it here. Right now.”

Triss’ mouth dropped open. “_Here?_ We have a bedroom!” she hissed, scandalized. A bedroom that they _shared, _no less, so it wasn’t like would be disturbing anyone else.

“Yes, _here. _I want to make this interesting for me, after all. That is my counteroffer, take it or leave it.”

Triss exhaled unsteadily, her gaze flickering across the expanse of the library. They seemed to be alone _–_ at least for the time being. Triss bit her bottom lip, her heart beginning to pound unsteadily beneath her ribcage. “Okay,” she agreed, not wanting to pass up this opportunity. “Here.”

Keira grinned wickedly, her fingertips sliding up the expanse of Triss’ throat before she took her chin in her hand, encouraging her to face her. “Good choice,” Keira breathed just as their lips touched. Triss’ eyes fell closed as they kissed, trying to block out the rest of the world and the copious amount of anxieties that went with it _– _mainly, that someone might come in the library and catch them.

They were rather off to the side of things, but they were certainly not _hidden_ in any way. That probably made things more exciting for Keira, who would find little fun in fucking someone so inexperienced if not for this, but it was utterly distracting for Triss. She tried to ignore it, to just sink into the feeling of kissing a woman who, she noticed, was so much softer and gentler than a man—

Keira’s teeth sunk into Triss’ bottom lip, and the young woman hissed in pain and unexpected desire as her fingers curled tightly into the fabric of Keira’s brightly-colored shirt. A fresh wave of arousal dampened her undergarments and, alright, Keira was still _softer_ than a man, at any rate.

Triss’s breathing had begun to labor in anticipation as the other woman’s lips dragged across the expanse of her jaw, to the underside of her ear. “Do you want to know what a woman tastes like, Triss?” Keira asked, her hot breath eliciting goosebumps across the back of Triss’ neck. Her breathing shallowed, her mouth went dry, and she eagerly nodded because yes, she really, _really_ did…

Keira’s hand fell between their bodies and she shifted on top of her. Triss caught her gaze, her chest feeling hollow from the lack of air inside her lungs. Keira grinned wickedly through a half-bitten bottom lip, and when she moved once more it was to allow her hand to come out from under her long, flowing skirt, her middle and forefinger coated in her desire. Triss’ eyes widened, her heartbeat becoming more erratic as she stared at the offering before her.

A part of her was _terrified_ that she wouldn’t like it.

“Go on,” Keira encouraged, and Triss inhaled an unsteady breath. She took another moment before she allowed the tip of her tongue to just gently graze the other woman’s fingers. It was gently bitter, yet at the same time resembled something almost sweet. It was unlike anything Triss had ever tasted before and before she could think about it, she quickly enveloped both of Keira’s fingers into her mouth, causing her to groan in approval as Triss sucked the last of the flavor off of them.

“My turn.”

Triss had barely gotten comfortable with that before Keira was onto the next thing. The woman slid off her lap and down to the floor. She settled on her knees under the table, and suddenly there were hands pushing the hem of Triss’ dress upwards until it bunched at her waist. “Someone is going to _see—” _Triss tried breathlessly, because this left them _much_ more exposed than their previous position, but Keira did not seem to care.

“Relax. No one comes in the library on the weekends outside of overachievers like you.”

Well, that wasn’t true at all considering Triss had _not _been the only person in there earlier, but as Keira pulled the damp fabric away from her thighs and discarded it on the floor behind her, Triss realized that as terrifying as this was, she did not want to say no. Keira pushed her legs up, encouraging her to rest them on the edge of the table as she kept them spread, and just the _look_ on Keira’s face as she was presented with her prize made Triss flush in need, her confidence rising substantially. She felt… she felt sexy. _Desirable._

“Fine, just— do it _quickly_…”

Triss had to bite the skin on the back of her hand once Keira’s mouth covered the apex of her thighs. Her eyes fell closed, and she was careful to only breathe in and out of her nose so as to not make any noise and alert any passersby to what was going on. Keira was… well, she was _much_ better at this than that boy Piotr was. Even still, Triss had a hard time keeping her mind on what was going on. It kept wandering, causing the hands that spread her thighs to no longer be pale, but touched with olive… the hazel eyes that would glance up ever so often between her thighs faded until they were colored an inky black, the mess of blonde hair darkening and twisting into a long braid down her back…

“Ph—_Fuck…”_

Gods, she almost said her name. That was in no way fair to the woman between her thighs, but then again, Keira probably did not care. Triss was just another notch on her bedpost, but to Triss she was an experiment that, well… was going rather favorably, because she was definitely, _definitely _into women; just not the one who was fucking her in that moment.

Suddenly, Triss realized that she felt different. It was hard to explain, but it felt as though her desire was being… _echoed,_ almost. It intensified the feeling quite a bit, and Triss had to stifle a desperate moan as she pushed her hips closer to Keira’s face, her hand weaving in a mess of blonde hair. The other woman responded by sucking hard on her clit, and Triss swore, her entire chest flushing a deep red as she struggled to keep her breathing steady.

“_Girls!”_

Triss’s entire life flashed before her eyes.

It seemed like forever that Triss was frozen in fear before Keira pushed herself away from her, coming up from underneath the desk to innocently smile at Tissaia de Vries, who was standing no more than five feet away from them with her hands on her hips. Of _all _the people in Aretuza who could have caught them, why, _why_ did it have to be her…?

“Oh, hello, Rectoress. Lovely day.”

“Keira, we have spoken about this.” Somehow, Triss was not surprised. But then Tissaia turned to the second guilty culprit, who was hastily trying to grab her undergarments off the floor and straighten her dress, her entire face as red as a tomato. “Triss… I expected better from you.”

Nothing could have cut deeper than that, and Triss was deeply, deeply ashamed of herself. She hung her head, knowing she deserved whatever was about to come next. Yennefer had warned her about getting distracted by her crush on Philippa, and now look what happened. She had gotten caught fucking a woman in the middle of the library soley because she needed to rid herself of her virginity for Philippa’s sake. Or perhaps for her own. Either way, the entire ordeal was_ completely_ centered around Philippa, and that was the crux of the problem.

She should have known better. She should have listened.

“Both of you, come with me.”

[x]

Triss was _mortified._

She had no idea how Philippa knew what was going on, but she wasn’t in Tissaia’s office for very long before her Mistress strode in dramatically, nearly banging the doors off their hinges before she pointed at Triss and told her, “You. Wait me for outside. I will deal with whatever this is.” Tissaia did not seem pleased that Triss had an advocate that had no problem not only interrupting, but ordering her students around. Whatever she said to Philippa was lost to Triss as she immediately did as was ordered and left.

The two women were in there for a very long time.

Finally, the door to Tissaia’s office opened. “Follow me,” Philippa instructed without sparing her so much as a glance, and Triss dipped her head in shame and trailed behind her without a word. When they finally got to Philippa’s office, the other woman closed the door behind them and ordered, “Sit.”

Triss sat.

“You are _lucky_ that this did not affect your returning to Redania with me,” Philippa began. Triss opened her mouth to apologize, but Philippa held up her hand, silencing her. “When I want you to speak, I will tell you. For now, you will listen. Understood?”

Triss pursed her lips tightly, nodding her compliance. She felt so terribly small.

“The _only _reason you are still being allowed to accompany me is because I assured your Rectoress that it will certainly not be _fun_ by any stretch of the imagination. However, I assure you your displeasure during your time with me will only be due to the intense training I will have you endure, and _only_ because I believe you can handle it.”

Triss swallowed, but pride swelled in her stomach regardless of Philippa’s warning. The woman believed her capable of handling whatever she threw at her, and that overshadowed whatever ‘displeasures’ Philippa believed she would be inflicting upon her. Not that Triss believed anything that she taught her could be difficult to the point of causing any major discomfort. She _loved_ learning, and the harder it was, the more satisfaction Triss got from overcoming the obstacle.

“Furthermore, as my apprentice, you will also accompany me to the end of the harvest season banquet,” Philippa told her. “You will dress up, you will drink, and you will have fun. You will _not,_ however, fuck someone in a public space again. What you do reflects on me, and I will not have you embarrassing me like that again. Is that understood?” A beat of silence, then, “You may speak now.”

“Y-Yes, Mistress. Of course. I really am so—!” But Triss stopped herself before she apologized, knowing Philippa did not like it. Instead, Triss took a breath and ensured her, “I will exercise better judgment in the future.”

“Good.” Philippa looked at her for a long moment before she finally sat down at her desk. “While we are on this topic, there is something you need to be made aware of,” she began, causing Triss’ brow to crinkle in curiosity. “I was in the middle of a meeting with two other fellow mages when you were fucking that girl. If you need to, you may ask me how I know that. If you don’t, I’m sure you can just _imagine_ how that went.”

Triss’ eyes went wide, realizing what Philippa was implying. Her hands went over her mouth as she gasped, a bright red flush creeping up her neck to her ears. Oh Gods, she could _feel…?_

“I really do not appreciate nearly being brought to orgasm in front of my colleagues, Triss.”

“I didn’t know!” Triss exclaimed. “I didn’t— Oh… oh _no_… you couldn’t— I mean, you weren’t in my mind when I…?” Please, _please_ no. If Philippa knew she was thinking about her while she fucked Keira, she didn’t know how she was going to look her in the eyes again.

“I told you I’d try to stay out of your mind, and I meant it. As I’m sure you did when you assured me the same,” Philippa responded, and Triss exhaled the breath that she had held tight in her chest. “However, our empathetic connection is proving more difficult to control. It also is a completely unreliable narrator; when I felt your emotions quickly plummet into fear, I thought someone was… well, that they were doing something to you that you no longer consented to. I was not immediately made aware you had been caught by Tissaia and that was what caused your terror, so when I tried to find you, I had every intention of flaying your sexual partner alive. Thankfully, gossip spreads _very_ quickly in this school.”

“_Everyone _knows?”

Gods, that just made it so much worse. It also made Triss want to leave for Redania that much quicker.

“Of course everyone knows. Has there ever been anything in this school that _you_ did not hear about?” Triss noticeably deflated. Philippa was right; everyone always knew everything in this school. Privacy was an illusion, and not even a well-kept up one. “It was the same when I was in attendance here,” Philippa assured her. “A hazard of close-quarters, but not the end of the world. At least you weren’t caught fucking someone reprehensible, although I do think you could have done better than someone who coerces you to have sex with them in public.”

“She didn’t… she didn’t _coerce_ me,” Triss denied. “I needed her to sleep with me, and that’s what she wanted in return. It was only fair.”

Philippa stared at her. “You _needed _her to sleep with you?”

Oh. That sounded strange, didn’t it?

“No, I didn’t, of course I didn’t need— I mean, who could actually _need… _that’s ridiculous—”

Philippa sighed. “Triss. Speak plainly. I do not have the patience for your babbling, it’s been a long day.”

Triss sighed in defeat and slumped back into her chair. She hated that she always ended up getting herself in these predicaments. Would she ever learn to just keep her mouth shut? “I was trying to get rid of my virginity, okay?” she admitted, trying to ignore the hot mortification that crept up the back of her neck. She wouldn’t look at Philippa, instead choosing to stare at the far wall. “My… virginity with a woman, anyhow.”

“Why?”

Philippa asked it like she couldn’t possibly fathom the reason she would want to do that, and it was so ridiculous that it almost made Triss laugh. Almost.

“It doesn’t matter why, I just wanted it gone! It’s private, please stop asking me about it,” Triss exclaimed, not wishing to endure anymore embarrassment. And Philippa knowing that she got rid of it for_ her? _That would… quite possibly kill her, especially since all Philippa ever did was mention that she might, possibly, one day want to fuck her. Once, probably.

Fuck. What was she _doing?_

“I have to go,” Triss told her, suddenly very frazzled and anxious. She felt like such a disaster. Who _did_ these kinds of things, really? She had made a mess of her life just because she desperately wanted Philippa to straddle her face This was… this was pathetic, honestly. Triss stood, intending to leave, but Philippa snatched her wrist, stilling her in her tracks.

“I’m not finished.”

“Can you be?” Triss shamelessly begged as she looked back at the other woman. “This has been… one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, and I— I just need to go cry, honestly. I don’t even care if that makes me sound stupid, or _weak, _or… I feel like I’m a fucking idiot. I’m…!”

“Shh. Stop,” Philippa hushed, gently brushing the hair from the other woman’s face. She cupped Triss’ cheek in her hand then, her thumb brushing away the frustrated tear that had snuck out of the corner of her eye. “Stop crying, pet. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. What other people think of you does not, and will never matter. Look at me.” Triss sniffled, but tried to hold back the rest of her tears as she caught her mentor’s gaze.

“You do _not_ have to feel obligated to sleep with someone,” Philippa told her seriously, gently pinching her chin so she could make certain that she had Triss’ full attention. “Ever. Do you understand me? And you certainly should never feel rushed to have experiences. If you had just waited, I know it would have happened organically for you, and it would have been far, far better. _Believe_ me.”

Triss searched her eyes, her throat growing dry at the implication. She wanted her so badly that there were times she could barely breathe, and just _standing_ there was beginning to grow unbearable. She wished Philippa would just kiss her. Even if it was just for a second, even if she tossed her aside after, Triss just wanted to fall into her, just _once… _“I just… I needed to know,” Triss admitted softly, her voice barely above a whisper. “I needed to make sure it was what I wanted.”

“And was it?”

Triss’ heart was beating erratically in her chest, and although there was a part of her that was terrified of Philippa, she could not tear her eyes away from her. “It would have been,” she hesitantly revealed, scared to voice the truth out loud, but unable to lie to the other woman when she looked at her that way. “If only it had been with someone else.”

Philippa’s eyes searched hers, but her expression remained unreadable. “Well then I hope that next time, pet, it is with someone you truly desire,” she told her softly, her fingertips tracing the younger woman’s jaw. Her gaze lingered a little too long on Triss’ lips, before she finally found her eyes again. “You are far too beautiful to settle for anything less. Remember that.”

Triss’ throat had gone completely dry, and when she spoke, her voice came out hoarse and strained. “—I will.” Philippa stepped away from her, and something clutched at Triss’ insides. “Philippa?”

She didn’t know why she said her name, or why it didn’t feel terrifying to do so, but she saw the other woman smile softly before she turned around, looking at her protégée expectantly. “Can we leave now?” Triss asked, suddenly desperate to get out of Aretuza. “I know I haven’t finished my thesis yet, but I only have the paper to write, and—”

“I will speak to Tissaia in the morning,” Philippa promised. “But considering she is always _eagerly_ trying to get me out of her office because she detests arguing with me, I’m sure I could sway her to allow you an earlier leave. Are you certain that’s what you want? Once you leave with me, Triss, you will not return here for quite some time.”

“There’s nothing here for me anyway,” Triss told her honestly. Yennefer was gone and she had no other real friends. What was left? Her education, but that was in Philippa’s hands now. It didn’t make sense for her to stay here any longer.

“I want to go with you,” Triss told her confidently, knowing she had never been more certain of anything else in her life. She stood up straighter, looked Philippa in the eyes, and told her point-blank, “I want to be with _you. _Will you take me?”

The corners of Philippa’s lips upturned into a small smile, and if Triss didn’t know any better, it was like the woman was proud of her.

“Anywhere you want, pet.”

**TBC…**


	7. VII.

**VII.**

“Where are we?” Triss asked once they had emerged from the portal Philippa had cast. She took two steps backwards as she turned around, her mouth hanging open in awe. They were in the middle of a great room almost as large as Aretuza’s banquet hall. The sun shining through a large stained-glass window to the west made rainbow patterns upon the mahogany floor, and Triss’ eyes shone with wonder as she took in the deep browns and reds of the furniture, the beautiful marble of the mantle beneath which a warm fire cracked and sizzled. “This isn’t… Tretogor Palace, is it?”

If it was, it was _much_ emptier than Triss would have expected. Even Aretuza, with the limited number of students in its large space, felt busier than this. Triss had only seen one other person since they arrived, and she was fairly certain it was a servant. Whoever it was, they were obviously intimidated by Philippa’s sudden reappearance, and skittered back into the shadows.

“Look out the window.”

Triss went to the large bay window on the eastern side of the room, her steps light and excited. Leaning her palms on the cold stone surrounding the archway, Triss leaned forward and felt the breeze catch the chestnut locks that cascaded down her back. In the distance, far below the hill they resided upon, she could see miles of farmland. Grain was Redania’s largest export, so that did not surprise her. What _did_ surprise her however, was what looked to be another castle in the middle of the city of Tretogor. Triss’ eyes widened and she quickly turned back towards Philippa, flabbergasted.

“Wait, if _that’s…?” _Triss began, hardly able to believe what she was seeing _–_ what picture was beginning to form before her eyes. “Where_ are _we?” she asked again. This time her voice was breathless as she looked at her mistress, suddenly seeing in vivid clarity the true power this woman held. It was astonishing. It was sexy. It was awe-inspiring, and Triss wanted nothing more in that moment than to become just like her.

A small smile tugged at the corners of the other woman’s lips. “Where do you think we are?”

“But… you— you made it seem like your quarters were just somewhere you stayed while in Redania! I thought maybe a part of the royal palace, or just outside of it. Somewhere small, but nice. But this is…”

“Still my lodgings, just quite a bit larger than you were expecting,” Philippa finished for her. Triss nodded dumbly. Mutely. She just stared, nearly doing a three-sixty again as she took in everything that this place had to offer. It was tastefully decorated, yet it invited a sense of comfort that made Triss just want to wrap herself up in a blanket by the fire. It was absolutely, amazingly beautiful, and Triss did not know how she ended up being so lucky, to have been chosen by a woman like Philippa Eilhart. “Welcome to Montecalvo, pet.”

Triss exhaled in astonishment. “You are… this is…” She didn’t even know what to say. “_Wow.”_

Triss walked around the perimeter of the room one more time before she turned, full of excitement and ambition. “I want this. You’ll teach me how to get it, won’t you?” Triss didn’t just mean the castle. She meant all of it. The power, the influence, a life full of the finest things a country, a _king_ could offer her. She wanted it. Triss wanted it all, and for the very first time, because of the woman in front of her, she believed in herself enough to actually see herself getting it one day.

“I’ll teach you how to get anything your heart desires, pet,” Philippa promised her, her voice filled with pride as she watched her protégé finally desire the kind of power she was meant for. _Born_ for. “All you have to do is ask.”

[x]

_“More!” _Philippa demanded, circling a shaking Triss, dripping with sweat as she poured her magic into a megascope that her mistress had built. She would not tell her what it was for, only that it needed to be powerful - and apparently, Triss’ magic was a better sacrifice than her own. “Are you deaf? You’re not even utilizing all your resources. Have I taught you _nothing?”_

When Triss first arrived in Redania a few weeks ago, she had concocted this stupid fantasy in her mind of being in this beautiful place with this beautiful woman, learning sorcery from one of the best whilst enjoying freedom from the restraints of her schooling. And, well, _most_ of that was still true. Philippa was still beautiful, if utterly frightening at times. When they were at Aretuza, Triss only had small doses of her, as she was too busy with school to do much with her apprenticeship. _Here, _however, was a different story. She was with Philippa nearly every moment of every day, and she was beginning to see why people did not like her. She was a good instructor, but she could also be a very harsh one.

Triss should have taken Philippa’s warning about not fully enjoying her time with her seriously, but she hadn’t. Instead she convinced herself that she could handle anything her mistress threw at her, and magically? She could. It was difficult, yes, but Triss was managing. Emotionally, however, she was not, and Triss was beginning to realize that Philippa’s lessons were not just about her abilities any longer, but about shaping her into a woman who could handle anything.

The process of getting to that place however, was not fun.

“This is embarrassing,” Philippa told her, and something sickening started to brew in the pit of Triss’ stomach. It felt like shame mixed with resentment. She was _trying._ “If you are not going to take this seriously, then you might as well leave. I do not have time to waste on you.”

The bitterness in the pit of Triss’ stomach grew and, fuck, she _missed_ seeing Philippa through rose-colored glasses. She was just so much more pleasant then. If she were being honest, next to nothing about this place was _pleasant._ Montecalvo was beautiful yet lonely, King Vizimir insisted on referring to her as “The Temerian Sorceress” in a mistrustful tone, which automatically excluded her from most things to do with politics in the capital. There was also this shady looking man named Sigismund Dijkstra who showed up unannounced on a number of occasions with news from here, there, and everywhere, and Triss did _not_ like the way he looked at Philippa at all. It made her stomach turn. In short, this place was not the vacation she had imagined.

At least Tissaia would have been pleased to hear that.

“Triss!”

“I am _trying!”_ Triss shouted, her anger and frustration beginning to climb towards an unbearable precipice. Her breathing was uneven, her chest heaving as she tried to concentrate. Still, nothing more came of it.

“Don’t lie to me! If you cannot do this on your own, _take it. _Take it! Take it if you’re too weak!”

Take it? _Fine. _She’d fucking take it, and she hoped Philippa regretted asking for it, because she was _not_ weak.

All of Triss’ energy went into conjuring not only the magic inside of herself, but the magic inside of Philippa. A guttural scream of anger, frustration, and power ripped past Triss’ lips as her hand shot out towards her mistress, pulling everything she could from her much, _much _too fast. Philippa collapsed on the floor just before the crystal in the megascope shattered, overwhelmed by the amount of magic being poured into it in such a short amount of time. Triss stumbled back once the connection broke, her eyes bloodshot and wet, chest heaving.

“Happy?” she shot back, her throat closing up in upset as her anger began to trickle out of her as quickly as it had come, leaving nothing but sadness in its wake. “I am _not…_ I am not weak.”

“No, but you are certainly becoming more emotionally unstable,” Philippa countered as she picked herself up off the ground. It irrationally irritated Triss that she could do it so elegantly, and her lips pursed into a thin line. “Power is nothing if you cannot control it. If you cannot handle me yelling at you, you cannot handle anything at all. You need to be able to perform under extreme duress, and that was nowhere close. That was pathetic, Triss, and I expected better from you.”

Triss said nothing, the ache in the center of her chest consuming her. That was a test and she had failed. _Miserably_. Why didn’t she realize? Why couldn’t she just ignore her, and do what she was meant to? An angry tear slid down her cheek, but Triss ignored it, her stature rigid and her jaw tight.

“…I will work on it, Mistress.”

“Yes, you will,” Philippa confirmed, finality in her tone. “Now, go clean yourself up. I know that you are angry with me, pet, but you will pack that away and deal with it on your own time. In an hour, I expect you to have dinner with me.” Philippa’s gaze swept her apprentice’s form then, an appreciative look in her eye as she instructed, “Wear something nice, won’t you? I enjoy when my dessert looks as appetizing as my meal.”

Triss gawked at her. That was, easily, the biggest emotional whiplash she had ever experienced, and she had no idea how to respond to that. It wasn’t often that Philippa came on to her. Honestly, Triss’ first thought was that it was a trick, and it probably was. Either that, or just another test.

“Well? Get going.”

And Triss, having no idea what to say or what to do right then, did as she was told, and left.

[x]

“You distrust my intentions.”

Triss had barely touched her food. She was still very upset with Philippa, but because she was still so unsure of her place here, she chose to keep it bottled inside. There were times when things did not feel so formal between them, times when the lines between teacher and student blurred away, but this did not feel like one of those moments. Ever since they had come to this place, Triss realized that being someone’s ‘pet’ involved more than just being groomed and comforted. No, it was now like Philippa meant to turn her into a guard dog, and the process of turning her from a fluffy puppy into something that could be feared and respected was… unpleasant at times.

Triss said nothing.

“Yet you dressed up for me regardless.”

The younger woman’s knife scraped across her place. She hated the way Philippa said that, as it made her feel foolish. “Stop reading my emotions.” She wasn’t wrong though, Triss had made certain to look her best, although now she was unsure why. Her gently tousled hair framed a face with dark eyes and glossed lips. The dress that she wore, a deep emerald green, was cut low between her breasts.

Philippa, however, for all her judgment, wasn’t exactly dressed _down_ either. She wore a dark red men’s doublet with silver embroidery, her hair swept back in an elegant braid that did not distract from the light touch of makeup around her eyes. Her freckles looked even more pronounced in the soft candlelight in the room, and Triss hated that she still looked so damn elegant and poised with them, when she had always equated her own to childishness and innocence.

“Stop having them.”

Triss exhaled a disbelieving scoff at that. Okay,_ just stop having emotions,_ sure…

There was a long stretch of silence, the only sound in the dining room being the occasional refill of a wine glass by a servant, or the scrape of silverware against ceramic. Finally, Philippa spoke. “You need to start taking advantage of the opportunities presented to you, pet. I have given you ample time to turn this around in your favor, yet you continue to sit there and pout like a child. Tell me, would _you_ find that attractive on a woman?”

Triss looked at her like she had to be joking . “Why should it matter?” she countered. As the weeks had progressed, Triss had begun to grow more comfortable speaking to Philippa in a direct manner. The woman had been pushing her buttons all day, and Triss couldn’t keep it in any longer. “I know this is just another lesson of yours. You’re _already_ preaching to me, so don’t try to pretend otherwise. You do not actually want to bed me, so why should I try to be attractive to you?”

“You tell me,” Philippa told her, annoyingly keeping her cool. Triss hated it. “You’re the one who came to dinner dressed as though you expected this to be a romantic outing.”

“I wasn’t the only one,” Triss pointed out. She had meant to shame her with that, but Philippa was _never_ shamed. It was one of the things Triss admired about her. She longed to be that way. Right now though, it just frustrated her.

“Exactly, and yet you failed to use that to your advantage,” Philippa responded frankly. Triss wasn’t entirely prepared for Philippa admitting that she dressed up for her, and she wasn’t sure what to do with that information. But that was apparently Philippa’s point. “Yes, this was a lesson,” she admitted, and Triss’ expression soured. “But it was a lesson that could have held a more favorable outcome, should you have only realized to take advantage of it.”

“You felt weak today,” Philippa reminded her, and Triss squirmed uncomfortably in her seat at the blatant reminder. “You felt angry and helpless, and that was because of me. Yet instead of taking an opportunity to exercise _your_ power over me in return so that we may return to even-ground, you sat here and second-guessed everything, stewing in your anger and resentment.”

“_My_ power over _you?” _Triss asked in disbelief. While she felt much more confident than she did when they first began this relationship, she still did not feel qualified to stand beside her as an equal. “What power would that be, exactly?”

Philippa just stared at her, disappointment in her eyes. It flustered Triss and she looked down at her plate of food, her gut tightening in her dress. She hated this. Why was it that every test she seemed to get from the other woman, she ended up failing? Why did she not realize what it was that she wanted? There were so many ways she had improved during her time here with Philippa, but so many others where she still seemed to be sorely lacking.

“You have been with me every day for over a fortnight now,” Philippa lectured her, and Triss’ ears went pink at her tone. “You know my routine. You have a fairly good idea of the vastness of my power, but at the same time, its limitations. You know my strengths. You know my weaknesses. So tell me, what are they?”

“Your… weaknesses?” Triss asked, uncertain.

“Yes.”

Triss hesitated. She wasn’t entirely sure if she should even say this out loud, but Philippa was looking at her expectantly so Triss spoke her truth, not knowing how it would be received. “Your arrogance.”

Philippa was talented, she was powerful, she was beautiful. But arrogance can be a terrible flaw when you strongly expect one outcome, yet receive another you’re ill-prepared for. It was one of the first things Tissaia warned new sorceresses about. With great power came the unfortunate side-effect of being terribly cocky about it. You think nothing can touch you until, eventually… something does. And usually, it’s something that’s likely to leave a lasting mark.

Philippa laughed, but did not deny it. Apparently it was not something she concerned herself with. It made Triss wonder if she considered it to be a weakness at all, and what that meant if her education from Aretuza started to conflict with the lessons Philippa planned to teach her. “Go on.”

“Women.”

That was, perhaps, the worst one of all. Well, at least for Triss. When they had returned to Redania, Philippa informed her that very night that she had a standing ‘date’ with the wife of a political rival, and that if she felt anything residual from that, it was not intentional. While warning her was probably the right thing to do, Triss would have preferred ignorance. It would have been easier to feel those kinds of things and hope that Philippa was just pleasuring _herself,_ than to know for certain that another was touching her, even if it was for no other reason than to gather intelligence against her rivals. This had happened twice already _–_ both with different women _–_ and Triss… she _hated _it.

She knew she had no claim to Philippa, and no right to be jealous. She also knew it was unreasonable to expect the woman to be celibate during the time they spent together, as she was clearly a sexual person. Still, Triss wished they could sever their bond, at least momentarily, when Philippa indulged in those things. There was nothing more pathetic than to get turned on due to the feelings your crush was experiencing as she fucked someone else. No, actually, there was: it was to masturbate to try to rid yourself of the feeling so you could finally sleep, and then crying afterward.

All in all, Triss’ experience here could have been going… better.

“You need to learn how to recognize weaknesses in others and turn them into your own strength,” Philippa told her. “You were right before, I _am_ arrogant. I have been told it is not an attractive quality, but it is mine nonetheless. I also enjoy a pleasant evening with a beautiful woman, and can become utterly distracted by one who knows how to capture my attention. You could have easily used both of those things against me, yet you did not. Why?”

Probably because Triss had no idea how to capture her attention? She was only just starting to feel comfortable in her own skin, but she wasn’t… she wasn’t _there_ yet. All of this felt weird. Was she supposed to be manipulating Philippa to her own ends? Was _that_ what she wanted? Okay, perhaps it was a good lesson for when she needed to do this to others for personal or political gain, but Philippa was supposed to be her teacher. How was she supposed to get the upper hand when she barely knew how to play the game?

“Because I’m not… I’m not trying to do anything _against_ you,” Triss answered, confusion evident in her tone. “Should I be?”

“Of course you should be. You should always be aiming to assert yourself above others, no matter who they may be,” Philippa lectured, and Triss stared. If that was Philippa’s endgame, Triss doubted she would ever be able to meet it. At best, she could stand next to Philippa, but _above _her? That was… that was never going to happen. It just wasn’t. “You underestimate your power, Triss Merigold, and I do not just mean your magic. Should you have only tried, I would have slept with you tonight, and while I would have only done it to prove a point, that does not mean that it wouldn’t have benefited you substantially if you only knew how to wield the power you were given.”

“I don’t want you to sleep with me just to ‘prove a point’,” Triss responded strongly, a little offended that Philippa would even think that was something she wanted. It made her feel cheap, like she was no more than Philippa's whore. “I’m not going to have sex with you just because you want to teach me a lesson.”

“No?” Philippa queried, very interested in the strength of her response. "Because a few weeks ago, if I had asked you to get down on your knees and service me right here, you wouldn’t have even hesitated.”

Triss said nothing, but the tips of her ears turned a little pink. She was right, and they both knew it.

“Truthfully, I am glad you would no longer do that. Know what you want. Know your worth, Triss, and then demand it from those who wish to diminish it.”

Oh, so now she was proud of her? This was… difficult to keep up with. First she did something wrong, then she did something right. Was there a correct answer to any of this, or was Philippa merely making this up as she went along? Sometimes, Triss wondered.

Philippa rose from the table, delicately placing the napkin that was on her lap atop her plate. Apparently this lesson had concluded, but it left Triss with more questions than answers.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t sleep with me while I was your apprentice,” Triss blurted out, needing to understand what changed. Because according to Philippa, it was very messy, and could easily destroy their relationship and dissolve her apprenticeship. Considering what had happened between Philippa and Yennefer, Triss could understand that, even though she did not like it. But now she had finally accepted that sleeping with her wasn't an option until much later, Philippa was going back on that?

Was this just another test? Was Philippa just coming on to her just to see if she would take anything she could get? She _was_ always encouraging her to have standards and to respect herself, so was Philippa just making certain that she was moving forwards? Triss felt like she didn't know which way was up anymore, and trying to stay two steps ahead of Philippa was beginning to give her a headache.

"As always, your education is my first priority," Philippa answered as she pushed her chair back in. She looked so poised and dignified standing over her, and Triss stared up at her, wishing she had the same kind of presence. "However, sleeping with you tonight would have been educational, and therefore I believe worth whatever risks may have accompanied it."

Triss scoffed. 'Worth whatever risks may have accompanied it'? That didn't even _sound _convincing. Triss stabbed a vegetable on her plate and said as much. “That just sounds like you want to fuck me, honestly.”

“Does it?” Philippa asked innocently, a hint of a smirk playing on the edge of her lips. Triss froze. That was… that was _not _the reaction she expected, and now that she received it, she wasn't entirely sure what to do.

This was a trick, right? It had to be a trick, or a test, or a...

Philippa learned down, gently placing her lips against the warmth of Triss' cheek. “Goodnight, pet.”

Triss was fairly certain she stopped breathing, internally screaming because she had no idea what to trust, and what this meant, if it even meant anything at all. Still, there was a part of Triss that felt like she was floating, and her response was soft and airy as she watched the woman walk away, wanting to believe that perhaps this wasn't just another part of her education after all.

“…Goodnight, Philippa.”

**TBC...**


	8. VIII.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up that while usually I have the next (or next two) chapters written by the time I post one, I do not have chapter nine done. I haven’t even started it. School has been kicking my ass this semester, so I apologize if there’s a bit of a delay between this chapter and the next. Finals are over after this week though, so as long as my two jobs don’t choke the life out of me with scheduling, I’ll have a bit of time to actually devote to writing. Finally. Ugh.

**VIII.**

“Are you enjoying yourself?”

Triss pursed her lips. For such a simple question, it had such a complicated answer. Yennefer’s image in the megascope furrowed her brow, but then amusement pulled at the corner of her lips at Triss' noticeable hesitation. “I see your hero-worship has finally begun to fade. Good. If you don’t blindly trust her, you might actually learn something.”

Triss exhaled a long breath as she leaned against the wall of the observatory. Truth be told, this room of the castle had always made her feel a little uncomfortable. While Triss was a fairly organized individual, she tended to be a little all over the place when she found herself deep in her studies. Philippa’s observatory, despite being a place where one would usually study, experiment, or otherwise improve and create magics, was _much_ too organized. It was as though everything was merely there for display, yet Triss knew how often Philippa spent time in this room. Even still, absolutely nothing was out of place. It unnerved Triss a little, as she felt like one misplaced step would disturb something.

Yennefer, however, was completely the opposite. Through the megascope, Triss could see the clutter behind the other woman. It wasn’t that she was _messy,_ per say, but Yennefer had more possessions than she probably should, and no place to put them. That wasn’t a room Triss would be comfortable in either, as she would feel like she had no space of her own. It was then that Triss realized that perhaps she should be less concerned about fitting herself into other people’s spaces, and start claiming some of her own.

“Why are you both so keen on having me learn to distrust everyone? It sounds cynical and lonely, and that’s not what I want for myself.”

Triss moved from the corner and collapsed heavily into a chair as she spoke. She had all the grace of a bull in a china shop and her knee hit the desk, causing it to wobble. A crystal that had been neatly placed in the corner nearly rolled off the surface, but with quick reflexes, Triss managed to catch it just before it shattered on the ground. She exhaled through her nose, trying to curb her anxiety and her irritation.

Perhaps she should just learn to build a megascope of her own, then she could make calls within the comfort of her own space. It couldn’t be that hard, could it?

“I won’t speak for Philippa, but I’m not trying to make you cynical and distrusting of others,” Yennefer responded. “I’m merely suggesting that if you don’t immediately accept what people offer you at face-value, you will not be easily manipulated. That is _not_ to say that in time you can't learn to trust someone, but they have to give you a reason to first. Do not give someone that which they have not earned.”

Triss’ expression clouded in exasperation. Sometimes, she could sound just like Philippa.

“She’s supposed to be my _mentor,” _Triss stressed, turning the crystal over in her palm as she looked at the projected image of her friend. “Shouldn’t that kind of relationship include a baseline of trust?”

“Yes. You can _trust_ that she will educate you,” Yennefer answered. Triss’ lips pursed into a thin line. “How she will, however, is another matter entirely. I know she is not traditional in any sense of the word, and I know she has the capability of becoming emotionally dangerous for you, but I suggested her tutelage for a reason. And that is not just a reminder to you, but for myself as well. I’ve been far too overprotective of you, and that is no way for you to learn.”

Well, that was true at least. Triss knew Yennefer cared about her, but it was as though she sent her off to Philippa with a leash around her neck, and the constant tugging on it was hindering Triss’ ability to stand on her own two feet. She understood Yennefer’s concerns, especially after knowing her own history with the woman, but it had been rather disorienting to be pulled back from the person she had been pushed towards in the first place.

“However, I suggested Philippa because, like her, you have the ability to think outside the box. You are intelligent enough not just to perform magic, but to architect brand new spell-work that the world has yet to see,” Yennefer continued, her tone prideful as she spoke about her friend’s abilities. It made Triss’ chest swell, she did not expect such a compliment. But like every blooming rose, Yennefer’s words held thorns beneath. “You have incredible potential and are very ambitious, but you lack the social finesse needed to navigate the higher ranks of our world. Philippa can teach you more than just magic, and that was why I thought it was important that your apprenticeship be with her. You already have all the tools to be a great sorceress, Triss, but you are naive and are easily manipulated. That is a dangerous combination.”

Triss’ face fell, her chest deflating like a popped balloon.

“I’m not saying this to upset you.”

“I’m not upset,” Triss lied through her teeth. The crystal turned over faster in her palm, the movement rhythmic and distracting. She was so tired of being thought of as this young, innocent sorceress who must lack proper judgment and the ability to take care of herself. “I just think you’re both too quick to label me, when neither of you know what I’m capable of.”

Yennefer’s brow rose. “Oh?”

“Don’t patronize me, Yenna.”

“I’m not. I was genuinely impressed by the conviction in your answer. I’m glad you believe that.”

Triss pursed her lips, her fingers closing around the crystal in her palm. She squeezed. “I’m bound to her,” she finally revealed. Now that Yennefer had stopped hovering over her, Triss wanted to share her experiences. In all honesty, she needed someone to talk to, and Yennefer was her only real friend. “She leashed me while we were in Aretuza. That was why my magic was amplified when I created the witcher’s glyphs. It was not only my own that I was using, but hers.”

Yennefer said nothing, but how she felt about the situation was etched into every line on her face.

“You disapprove.”

“I’ve always disapproved of Philippa’s methods,” her friend responded, her voice echoing through the megascope’s connection. “I generally do not argue with her results, however. So long as she isn’t using it to take advantage of you in any way, I will keep my personal feelings away from this conversation.”

“She’s not,” Triss assured her. She exhaled a small sigh and placed the crystal back on the desk. “We have an agreement that we will not go searching inside the other’s mind, and as far as I can tell, she has upheld it. Our empathetic connection is different, but I think I’m too much in my own head to feel anything from her other than very strong emotions, which she doesn’t have often. I think she always knows what I’m feeling though, and I… kind of hate that. I feel like I don’t have any more secrets. And I know that isn’t her fault as both leashing _and _empathetic connections are not well-known to mages and we don’t yet know how to block them, but I just wish we were on more even ground in that regard.”

“I do hope you aren’t expecting advice when you already know and voiced your answer, so I’m unsure why you’re telling me this.”

If this had been a month or two ago, Triss would have mumbled an apology as she faded into the shadows. Instead, her expression leveled as she stared directly into the eyes of the other woman’s image. “Can we not have a conversation? You said we were friends and that’s— that’s what friends _do,_ don’t they?” Sometimes Triss wondered if she even knew. It wasn’t as though she had many real friends to speak of, but she… she just wanted to _talk_ to someone. No, she wanted someone to listen. She wanted to be heard, and she thought Yennefer would have wanted to hear to what she had to say.

The older sorceress at least had the decency to look a little ashamed of herself. “Go on,” she encouraged, trying to rectify her previous dismissal.

“_Yes_, I’m already aware of my own shortcomings, but getting out of my head is easier said than done,” Triss told her, feeling frustrated with herself. “Besides, I feel like she keeps me in there on purpose. She’s always making me second-guess myself, and just… obsess over _everything. _One minute she’s lecturing me, the next she’s hitting on me, I don’t— I can’t figure what she wants from me, and it’s keeping me trapped in an endless loop.”

Yennefer was silent.

“Okay, _now_ I want advice. Please.”

“You are right _– _she is toying with you on purpose. It’s good that you recognize that, but that is not enough. I’m sure she means for you to figure this out on your own, but if you’re intelligent enough to ask for help when you are stuck, you are worthy of an answer,” Yennefer decreed and, well, Triss was thankful about that at least. “Your problem, Triss, is that you care what she thinks of you. Your desire to please her is what’s making you vulnerable. Focus less on what you think she wants of you, and more on what it is you desire from _her. _This is meant to be a learning experience for you, is it not? You are the one who’s supposed to benefit from this, not her. So why are you spending so much time making sure that she’s the one who gets what she wants?”

And just like that, something clicked in her mind. Triss realized that she had been viewing this entire apprenticeship from the wrong side. She hadn’t even realized that there was another way to approach this, but now that she knew, she felt like the entire world had opened up to her.

Yennefer smiled, noticing the immediate change in her friend’s demeanor. “I look forward to seeing your progress during the harvest banquet.”

That snapped Triss out of her thoughts as she looked at the image of her friend from the megascope. “You’re coming?”

“Of course I’m coming. All prominent mages are invited to the gathering,” Yennefer informed her before a small smirk tugged at the edges of her lips, seeing the excitement in her friend’s eyes. “Are you pleased?”

“Yes!” Triss exclaimed, practically jumping out of her seat. She knocked the desk again and something fell, but Triss didn’t care. “Oh, Yenna, we’re going to have so much fun! I know I’ve been a little on edge lately and that’s made me…” But Triss didn’t have the words, and instead waved her hand around. Yennefer knew what she meant anyway. “But I’ve missed you terribly. I really have.”

And Yennefer knew that, she did. Triss had to tell her anyway, needing to solidify the first real friendship she had ever had with words. Having Yennefer in her life was something she started to value very much, and as such, she took the woman’s advice very seriously. Triss knew it would not be easy, but she knew she had to try, which was why she chose to do what _she_ wanted the next morning without even checking with Philippa first if that was okay.

As Triss did not feel comfortable in the observatory, she carved out a space of her own in the drawing room to spend some time finishing her thesis. While she knew she probably would not be back by the time it was due, she didn’t wish to postpone it any longer. Her apprenticeship with Philippa may have allotted her an extension, but Triss was nothing if not punctual and did not want to take advantage of the extra time. It was important to Triss that when she returned to Aretuza she would have the finished product in hand.

She had already disappointed Tissaia once. The last thing she wanted to do was give a repeat performance.

Philippa had a beautiful glass table that was low to the ground in the center of the room. An endless amount of parchment was now strewn all over it, Triss’ quill quickly scribbling words across their surface. The young woman sat on her knees on the floor, taking up more space than just the table as she was surrounded by her research and a pile of glyphs. Philippa’s heels clicked lightly against the mahogany floor, but Triss barely heard as she continued to jot down her thoughts.

“I’ve been looking for you.”

Triss looked up at her, some stray hairs falling in front of her eyes as they came loose from her messy ponytail. She quickly pushed them out of her face.

“I needed a break today,” she told her, although a small flutter resided in the base of her stomach from the gall it took not to ask permission first. This was entirely new territory for Triss, but she knew she needed to start focusing more on herself if she ever wished to lead instead of trail dutifully behind others. “I know I have an extension on my thesis, but that isn’t an excuse for me to slack off. If I don’t finish this on time, I’ll be disappointed in myself. I’m better than that.”

“You are,” Philippa agreed, which took Triss by surprise. A part of her expected Philippa to remind her that _she_ dictated their schedule while they were here, not Triss.

Philippa's eyes took in the scene in front of her, her brow rising at the scattered papers and complete lack of organization. “You’re aware I have an observatory, and yet you chose to make a mess of my drawing room.”

Triss’ cheeks flushed a light pink, but she did not retreat into herself as she would have before. Instead, she reminded herself that she deserved to take up space and to be comfortable. “Your observatory is too neat. It puts me on edge. Besides, this room has a lot of natural light; I find it helps my concentration.”

“Then I’ll send a servant to fetch you a desk. I understand your need to have a place of your own, pet, but you should not be made to sit on the floor.”

Triss pursed her lips as she looked up at the other woman. Philippa was being awfully accommodating. Triss wondered if she should trust it, and Yennefer’s reminder to not take anything at face-value echoed in the back of her mind. “No,” she politely refused. Even if she was being needlessly paranoid, Triss found that preferable than failing yet another one of Philippa’s strange tests. “I’m comfortable here, and I wouldn’t want you to go out of your way.”

Philippa looked a little amused by her insistence to stay on the floor, but did not argue her decision. “It’s nearly midday. How long have you been working on this? Have you eaten?”

Oh, now that Philippa mentioned it, it had been quite awhile. She had woken up at sunrise and had immediately gotten to work. As if on cue, her stomach growled. Triss couldn’t remember the last time she had eaten. Yesterday afternoon, perhaps?

“Come,” Philippa beckoned, taking the noise that Triss' stomach made as an answer.

Triss hesitated, her bottom lip trapped beneath her teeth. She still had so much work left to do and if she left now, she was afraid she would find it hard to return to it.

Philippa, however, did not plan to take ‘no’ for an answer. “If you need a break, pet, then take a proper one. We have worked tirelessly for the past few weeks, and you still have plenty of time left here. I will give you the weekends to work on your thesis until you complete it. Does that sound agreeable? That way you do not have to feel pressured to get it done as fast as you can. You will have time, Triss, I assure you.”

Well… perhaps a real break wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Still, something felt _off_ about Philippa wanting her to relax. She had been here for weeks and the other woman barely allowed her time to breathe, let alone do anything else. The only reprieves Triss had were when Philippa was otherwise engaged with the king, or a _woman,_ or that slimy little man she called “Siggy”. However, Philippa was unoccupied at the moment and, even stranger than that, seemed as though she wished to spend time with her, holding out her hand in offering.

It took about three seconds until Triss slipped her hand into Philippa’s, allowing the other woman to help her to her feet.

Maybe this was another test, or just another way to get inside of Triss’ head, but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe Philippa actually wanted to spend time with her. She had chosen her as an apprentice for a reason, hadn’t she? She must find something intriguing about her, at the very least. Either way, Triss resolved not to worry about it. Obsessing over why Philippa did what she did, or said what she said, had done nothing but drive Triss absolutely mental, and she needed… she needed to stop _caring._ That’s what Yennefer said was her problem, right? So she would just… stop.

Easy as that.

(It was not, in fact, as easy as that.)

It did make it _easier,_ however, to focus on what Triss wanted for herself. If she was too busy trying to relax and enjoy her time away from her studies, then she had less time that would undoubtedly be dedicated to internally freaking out over whether or not this was yet another lesson that she was going to fail. But it was after their late lunch, when the two women decided to get some fresh air, that Triss realized that her greatest weapon in combating her newfound distrust of Philippa’s intentions was a _distraction._

And not one for Triss.

The air was beginning to cool as autumn drew nearer. A light breeze rustled through the trees, the movement of the colorful leaves making them look even more dazzling. Triss smiled as she looked up at them, before turning completely on her heel as she surveyed the landscape around her. The bright greens and yellows had begun to fade into into their fall colors, and soon the world would be awash in deep ambers and golds.

Triss loved it. Even though being here could be difficult at times, she was glad she had come. She was genuinely, unapologetically happy, and it showed. However, it was not the only thing that was apparent in that moment, and if Triss had continued to be trapped inside of her own head, she certainly would have never noticed.

It was only a feeling at first, a feeling that was dim and hard to name, but Triss knew instantly that it did not come from her. She looked over at Philippa, and though the woman’s face did not reveal anything, the tight warmth in Triss’ abdomen spread the second their eyes met. It startled Triss so much that she flushed, pulling her deep red cloak tighter around her shoulders as she gently broke eye contact. “What?” she asked, suddenly a little self-conscious, despite the fact that whatever she felt from Philippa was not unpleasant in the slightest. If anything, it was the exact opposite.

Maybe it wasn’t in _that_ way though. Maybe Philippa just found her joy endearing, and because Triss hadn’t been able to feel anything minor from Philippa until now, she was merely reading her wrong. But for a second there, it was almost like…

“If I had known how much you would enjoy a simple walk, I would have accompanied you on one weeks ago.”

Philippa almost sounded appreciative _–_ as though the simple joy that the outdoors brought Triss was special to bear witness to in some way. But that was stupid, wasn’t it? Triss’ stomach clenched tightly in her gut. The warmth in the pit of her stomach was no longer from her mentor, but born of her own emotion. Philippa had admitted that she could get utterly distracted by a beautiful woman, but… could that kind of woman really be _her?_ Could Triss really be so beautiful that she made a woman of such prestige, of such _caliber_ look at her in that kind of way?

Triss reasoned that it had to be due to a favorable combination of circumstance, because it couldn’t just be _her._ No, it was the gentle breeze, the sunlight that turned her hair amber and golden. It was because of stupid, simple things like how the reds in her cloak complimented the warm colors in the landscape, or because her effortless, casual appearance became enrapturing the moment she smiled. Triss had been told before that her happiness could light up a room, but she had never really believed it until she saw her own image reflected in Philippa’s eyes.

Because this, at least, was not a some kind of trick or a manipulation. This wasn’t one of Philippa’s lessons, Triss could feel that much. She knew the sorceress could do a lot, but manufacture emotions? Even she wasn’t that good. Acting was one thing, but _feeling_ was quite another, and now that Triss was able to step outside of her own mind, she was able to see and feel things that would have otherwise been lost on her.

It was then that Triss realized she had an advantage.

Instead of wondering what Philippa’s intentions were with this little outing, Triss knew they would not matter so long as she caused the other woman to forget all about whatever it was that she planned. If she played on Philippa’s attraction to her in this moment, if she allowed herself to turn this around and somehow wield the power, then nothing else would matter. So long as she controlled the game, Triss knew what would come next. She wouldn’t have to obsess, she wouldn’t have to second-guess or over analyze. She could finally be free to just _enjoy_ herself.

Of course, that was easier said than done. Triss wasn’t even sure she could muster enough self-confidence to pull something like this off, but she knew she had to try. This was what Philippa and Yennefer wanted of her anyway, right? They wanted her to learn how to control social situations, so that she would not end up becoming the one who was manipulated or influenced by others.

There were only two types of people in this world after all, and because Triss no longer wished to be someone’s prey, she gathered up all the weapons she held within her, and attempted to go hunting.

The young woman glanced over at Philippa, trying to get a read on her. The strongest feeling she experienced from her was when she was practically skipping around and enjoying herself, so Triss tried to force all of her anxieties and her doubts from her mind as she allowed her lips to stretch into another wide smile. “I love the outdoors,” she told her, keeping her tone light. “All we’re surrounded by on Thanedd is rocks and beaches, but this is… more than that. The colors are different. The smells. I didn’t realize how little I had seen of the world until I left Aretuza.”

“It can be rather isolating,” Philippa agreed, but Triss’ attention went elsewhere the moment they rounded the corner of the castle.

“Oh, wow,” she breathed as they were confronted by miles upon miles of wheat. It seemed to shimmer in the sunlight, and the stalks swayed slightly in the breeze. “Is this still your land?” Triss asked, turning to face the other woman with an excited look on her face.

Philippa’s lips quirked in gentle amusement, and the warmth in the pit of Triss’ stomach grew. She _liked_ that she was endearing, apparently. And it was strange, as Triss always assumed Philippa would like women who were seductive in a more obvious way - stockings, dark makeup, the like. Perhaps she did like those things _–_ who _wouldn’t –_ but Triss might have been stupid to have assumed anything at all about Philippa Eilhart, when the woman had always been an enigma.

“It is,” Philippa confirmed as she watched Triss stray from the path, down towards the edge of the wheat. “As I said before, grain is Redania’s biggest export. I would have been a fool if I acquired land that could not turn a profit.”

“The stalks are taller than I am,” Triss noted in amazement before she stood right next to them to accurately measure. She looked back at Philippa, tightening her cloak around her shoulders. “You know, when I was young, I thought it would be fun to get lost in a field like this. Of course in Temeria the tallest foliage we had was grass, and I know I would have come out covered in ticks. But it just seemed… comforting, to be surrounded on all sides by something, don’t you think? Almost as though the earth was protecting you.”

“And do you believe you still need protecting?”

Triss looked over at her, the question weighing heavy on her mind as she considered it. “I think everyone does, at times,” she concluded, making her way back over to the other woman. The grass crunched beneath her feet, her ponytail hit the side of her face as a gust of wind blew through the fields. “No matter how many defenses we’ve put up, we cannot prepare for everything. But… in a more general sense, no, I don’t think I do.”

Everything inside of Triss tightened with nerves, but she pushed past it as she gently slipped her arm into Philippa’s, her expression a little shy as she amended, “Although I guess I wouldn’t mind if someone wanted to anyway.”

Thankfully, Philippa did not pull away. Instead, she took it in stride and began to properly escort Triss down the dirt path, a smirk beginning to pull at the edges of her lips. “Do you have a damsel-in-distress fetish, Triss Merigold?” she lightly teased, and Triss flushed a little as she held on to her mentor’s arm a little tighter.

“No, but I would not be adverse if someone wished to play the hero.”

Philippa laughed, her amusement making her eyes shine. “I’ve been called many things, pet, but never a hero.”

Triss lightly shrugged before she tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear. She wished she could be more confident about this, but her heart was pounding a million miles and hour and she was sure if Philippa could not hear it, then she could definitely _feel_ it. “There’s a first time for everything.”

“So it would seem,” Philippa murmured, her eyes never leaving the young woman’s face. Triss couldn’t keep eye contact with her; she felt like her stomach was in her throat. She could feel Philippa’s growing interest in her, but she couldn’t tell if it was even sexual or not. She might just be intrigued by her flimsy attempt at seduction - if one could even call it that. Really, at best this was mild flirting, and Triss did not feel confident enough to be blatant about it. Maybe one day, but for now… baby steps.

At the very least, she _did_ succeed in distracting Philippa. She’d take that win.

The two women walked in silence back to the castle, Triss’ body pressing a little closer to Philippa’s when a chill ran through her from the breeze. When they returned to the doors of Montecalvo, Triss finally untangled herself from the other woman and stepped back. “Thank you for accompanying me,” she said with a shy smile. “You were right, I did need a real break. I didn’t realize how much until now.”

“You are very welcome,” Philippa responded with a kind smile. Triss’ stomach fluttered in her gut, a simple gesture like that sending warmth through her veins. Sometimes, Philippa could drive her completely mental with frustration, but other times… well, she could drive Triss mental in an all together different way. She was absolutely beautiful when she genuinely smiled, and Gods, it… it _did_ things to Triss.

Maybe Philippa wasn’t the only one getting distracted after all.

“I think that perhaps I have put too much emphasis on your studies while you’ve been here,” Philippa admitted as she opened the door for Triss, rendering the servant who had rushed over to do it useless. Philippa did not even acknowledge him, continuing to look only at Triss as the woman walked past her into the grand foyer. “While they are important, it isn’t as though we are under any time constraints. We have time to enjoy ourselves every now and then, and I think we might find that vital to our… _academic_ relationship, don’t you?”

Right. Their ‘academic’ relationship, because _that’s_ what Triss was concerned about. But by Philippa’s tone, she already knew that. She almost sounded as though she were teasing her, but Triss refused to get embarrassed about it. She had flirted with her for a reason, and whatever the outcome, she was proud of herself for even having the gall to try.

“You never told me… how long will we be here?” Triss asked, noting that Philippa said that they were not under any time constraints. “How long will I study under you? You never specified.”

“As long as it is beneficial to the both of us,” Philippa answered, moving behind Triss to take her cloak. The younger woman pursed her lips shyly and dipped down to help Philippa ease it off of her shoulders. She hadn’t expected that kind of chivalry, but perhaps she had been foolish not to, especially after Philippa made certain to hold the door for her, instead of letting her servant do it. “Some apprentice for me for months, others years. You, of course, also have your education at Aretuza to finish. You have a year left?”

“Two,” Triss admitted, trying not to shudder at the light touch of Philippa’s fingers on the back of her neck as the woman swept her hair to the side. Triss knew it was so that it would not get it caught in the clasp, but it felt as though the other woman’s fingers lingered just a little too long. Philippa knew what she was doing, that much was abundantly clear. She knew what game Triss was playing, and was playing it right back at the same level. It wasn’t an overt seduction, but it was the same kind of subtle flirtatious behavior that made Triss wonder if she would ever, truly, get the upper hand.

Probably not.

”Tissaia granted me an early apprenticeship because of my accomplishments, but an early graduation is dependent on my thesis, which is why I’ve been so obsessive,” Triss explained softly as she glanced over her shoulder at Philippa before turning completely to face her. Philippa watched her intently, and Triss looked at her from under her lashes. “I understand if you can’t wait for me though. I’d be disappointed, but I know my situation is… a little unorthodox.”

Philippa moved to return the cloak back to Triss, but instead of simply passing it off, she stepped closer to her. Triss’ breath caught in her throat as the other woman leaned in while the fabric exchanged hands. “Something tells me you will be worth the wait, pet,” she breathed next to her ear, and it felt as though something burst inside of Triss. She was overcome with a rush of desire that she _knew_ Philippa could feel, and in turn that just made her exhale a frustrated groan.

“Why do you always have to win?”

Philippa chuckled, but did not move away so that Triss could wallow in her defeat. No, she stayed impossibly close to her, her fingers gently toying with a strand that had come loose from her ponytail. “A loss is not a defeat, pet, merely a setback. You did well today, I am proud of you.” She gently tucked the piece of hair behind Triss’ ear, her gaze meeting her protégée’s. Triss exhaled a small breath and did not look away, refusing to play shy any longer, despite every cell in her body screaming for her to retreat into the familiar.

“Did I pass your little test?” Triss tried not to sound bitter, but she was. Just a little bit. She just wished she hadn’t lost her footing the moment Philippa upped the ante. It made her feel childish. Was all she was good for innocent flirting? She needed to do better than that. She _should_ be able to do better than that.

“I never intended to test you, not today,” Philippa responded softly, the pads of her fingers gently brushing the young sorceress’ jaw before she allowed her hand to drop, and to finally take a step back. “You demanded a break from me, and for that you deserved one. You may be my apprentice but I do not own you, Triss, and I am glad you are finally beginning to recognize that.”

Triss’ brow furrowed. “That’s why you’re proud of me?”

“That, and because you took what I’ve been trying to teach you, and chose to practice it of your own volition, on your own time,” Philippa answered with a satisfied smile. “You read me quite well, and you played to that. No matter the outcome, you should be proud of yourself for your efforts.”

Maybe she should be. After all, it was unreasonable to assume that she would be successful on her first attempt. Besides, Triss was beginning to realize that Philippa got a little too much enjoyment from teaching her little lessons. She _liked_ it when Triss flirted with her, she liked watching her attempt to gain control of their relationship. A month ago, Triss would have found it unfathomable, but Philippa was obviously attracted to her. Even if it was merely on a physical level, it still gave Triss a clear advantage. Sex may not be in the cards, but that didn’t mean that Triss could not benefit from the woman’s lingering gazes, and as she watched Philippa nearly drink her up with her eyes before she turned away, Triss bit her bottom lip and vowed that she would not let this opportunity pass her by.

Even if it took weeks, even if it took months, eventually, Triss would hold Philippa Eilhart in the palm of her hand, and prove that the world isn’t just made up of predators and prey after all… but those who could tame them both.

**TBC…**


	9. IX.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this took so long. Depression is a bitch. I’m going to aim to update once a week though, as I already have 10 & 11 done as well. I’m either at 0 or 100 apparently, there’s no in between.

**IX.**

“Try it now.”

The young woman immediately took a step backward. “It’s your turn,” Triss insisted, refusing to continue on like a guinea pig in Philippa’s experiments unless the other woman planned to step up to the plate as well. Triss might be her apprentice, but that didn’t mean she had to be the one taking all the risk. Philippa’s brow rose at the refusal, but Triss did not back down nor shy away. Instead she kept eye contact and smiled sweetly. “I insist, Mistress.”

“I bet you do.”

Triss’ smile only widened in faux innocence, and Philippa exhaled a small sigh as she resigned herself to her fate without question. Before, Triss would have been surprised about that, but the longer she resided in Montecalvo, the more she realized that Philippa did not think of her as someone she owned, and that Triss was not expected to do anything that she did not want to do. Philippa respected her wishes and her boundaries, and Triss appreciated that more than she could express.

The young sorceress watched as the other woman approached the megascope, the collections of crystals at both the tip and the base glinting from the sunlight that came through the arched window at the north end of the observatory. The sheer volume of them was most likely unnecessary _–_ as even the most advanced megascopes had only three crystals _– _but as Philippa was trying to improve both teleportation and communication using a megascope as a conduit, she believed the more power she had, the wider her coverage area would be. Her ultimate goal was to be able to communicate with someone clear across the Continent in moments, whether through the megascope or in person, as currently the distance between calls was limited, and teleportation even more so.

Thus far however, Philippa was having a difficult time just getting it to power _on_ correctly, let alone do anything else.

A hiss of pain and frustration ripped past the older woman’s lips as the megascope sparked and shocked her once she attempted to pull magic from Triss in order to cast a more powerful spell. Triss pursed her lips, keeping her thoughts to herself. Despite their varying levels of experience, the results had not deviated from when _she_ had pulled magic from Philippa not moments prior. As far as Triss was concerned though, this was Philippa’s project, and she did not want to butt in where she may not be welcome. However, it only took one glance at her apprentice for the other woman to know that she had something to say.

“If you have an idea, share it,” Philippa instructed, momentarily stepping away from the megascope. “As pretty as you are, you make a better sorceress than a statue.”

Triss lashes fell at the compliment, yet her cheeks did not flare up as they had so many times before. Instead, she just shyly smiled before looking back over at her mistress, glad to be considered something of worth to the other woman. “We’re overloading it,” she hypothesized. “I know how far you wish the signal to go, but I think we need to focus on accuracy first, and then gradually build up the power to send it to greater lengths.”

Philippa murmured in acknowledgment, but did not communicate her thoughts further. That was alright though, as Triss had more to say anyhow.

“Besides, you and I don’t need this many crystals,” Triss continued, approaching the megascope. Her fingertips gently danced over the tip of the crystals before she gently plucked a particular one from its confines, placing it in her pocket. “Other people will eventually, should you want to share your designs, but together, we already have twice the power of anyone else. If we rely on our own magic more than the stored energy in the crystals, I believe we’ll have better results.”

“The crystals act as a conduit for a reason, pet,” Philippa reminded her. “I understand where you are coming from, but even if we rely on our shared power, if we do not have a place to channel it, it could have hazardous consequences. Teleportation in particular can become incredibly messy if not done correctly, and I do not wish to part from any of my limbs any time soon.”

Triss pursed her lips, her thoughts turning over in her head. “Can we _only_ use them as a conduit then? Remove the ones that we powered up already, and start fresh. Or perhaps we could just use our own magic, instead of pulling from one another.”

“Even without consciously pulling from one another, we’re still intertwined, and thus too powerful. I believe you may be right though _–_ we must be overloading them. We could start fresh, but it’s a temporary solution as it will only benefit us for as long as we are linked. I need something stable and long-term, which was why I was trying to store power in the crystals.”

“That’s tomorrow’s problem though,” Triss reminded her. Sometimes Philippa focused too much on the destination, making the path towards it become obscured. She was brilliant and she had a great many ideas, but Triss noticed that at times her execution left a lot to be desired. It was nice though _–_ realizing Philippa had a flaw. It made her feel more relatable. More human. “First, shouldn’t we just do it however we’re able? We can think about the future of the design later. Right now, we don’t even know if it can be done.”

“Perhaps you’re right; I have been thinking too far ahead,” Philippa conceded. The pit of Triss’ stomach swelled, the feeling of being heard unparalleled. Despite how difficult it could be sometimes, Triss was truly glad she had come here. Studying with Philippa was doing wonders for her self-confidence, and Triss was immensely thankful for that.

Philippa paused for a moment, assessing the situation before she instructed, “Alright. Remove the crystals. Fetch me some fresh ones— four, no, five… and please be certain to check for imperfections in the stones; the last thing we need is for our magic to not be properly channeled through them.”

Triss did as instructed and after a short while the megascope was reconstructed to their new standards. “Let me try,” Triss offered, feeling that at the very least they should alternate attempts. Philippa gently inclined her head, granting permission as she took a step back.

The young sorceress approached the megascope, her eyes fixated on the cluster of fresh crystals in the center of the device. Triss carefully focused her power as she began to pull from Philippa, keeping the flow at a steady rate so as not to overwhelm the megascope. It was more difficult than she imagined, trying to keep their shared power even and tempered, and Triss exhaled a hard breath through her nose before she concentrated all of her energy and pulled open a portal. Philippa hissed in approval behind her and stepped behind Triss, placing an approving hand on the young woman’s bicep.

“Where does it go?”

“Beauclair,” Triss responded in a strained voice as she tried to keep the portal open. Philippa looked impressed, but the expression did not last as Triss quickly amended her answer, not wishing Philippa to believe she had accomplished something she may not have. “…I think.”

“You think?”

“Well it’s very hard to accurately navigate towards a destination whilst casting a teleportation spell of this caliber!” Triss exclaimed. At the moment, most of her concentration and her energy was dedicated to just keeping the portal _open._

“I suppose there is only one way to find out then,” Philippa resigned, and just… _stepped right through it._ Triss nearly fell over in shock, as they hadn’t even been able to test the stability of it yet. It could have been dangerous, it could have ended up severely injuring her, and yet Philippa walked straight through it as though none of that even mattered to her.

That was why it wasn’t difficult for Triss to follow.

She was concerned for Philippa’s wellbeing of course, but truth be told, there was already a part of Triss that believed her portal was stable just because _Philippa_ believed it to be. And she was right; the portal was stable, it was safe, and it got them to a destination that was a considerable distance from Montecalvo. However, instead of the beautiful colors and warmth of the south, Triss was greeted by a wet marshland that immediately soaked the base of her dress. She exhaled loudly in disgust, quickly hiking her clothing up out of the water.

“Well. This is most certainly _not_ Toussaint.”

Philippa’s observation was overshadowed by a small shriek as Triss felt something slither around her ankle. Unfortunately, she backed up so quickly that she did not realize that her mentor was _behind_ her, nor that the force of her practically tripping into Philippa would send them both sprawling into the water.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Triss immediately apologized after they had tumbled into the dank water, horribly embarrassed by the sheer volume of her own miscalculations today. She tried to help Philippa to her feet, but in the end it was more Philippa’s efforts that allowed them both to stand. Triss hung her head in shame, her hair sticking to her neck and dripping with swamp. She was humiliated, wet, and miserable, and Triss couldn’t believe how quickly she could fall from her high.

“I’m growing tired of having to remind you not to needlessly apologize, Triss.”

“Not all apologies are needless!” Triss exclaimed, because while she appreciated Philippa’s encouragement to never apologize for who she is or the things she has done, Triss also found it incredibly rude to just never apologize _ever. _She had clearly made a mistake and wished to apologize for it. She should be allowed to. “I teleported us into a bloody _swamp;_ I would think that warrants a courtesy apology, at the very least!_” _

“You did, yes, “ Philippa confirmed, somehow still looking dignified with swamp in her hair. It was absolutely infuriating. “However considering there are no marshlands anywhere near Redania, I will consider this a victory. No one expected perfection _– _merely progress, which is what you have achieved.”

Triss parted her lips to retort, yet found she had nothing to say. Her mouth closed.

“Come, let us find dry land and perhaps a clue as to where we’ve ended up before we attempt to return.”

Triss, eager to do something helpful after her unfortunate mishap, dried them both off with a quick and simple enchantment. Philippa returned the favor by creating a thin, waterproof barrier between them and the swamp in order to their feet dry during the rest of their trek through the marshlands. Triss hadn’t realize that she couldn’t feel her toes until then, and the sudden rush of pins and needles prodded at her flesh as the sting of the cold water disappeared.

However, that was not the only enchantment Philippa found she needed to cast upon them whilst they traveled, and while the first was merely a convenience, the second turned out to become a survival necessity.

Philippa was the first to hear it. Before Triss could exhale her surprise, the older woman stopped mid-stride and threw a barrier around them. Instinctively, Triss’ grip wrapped around her mentor’s cloak as she pressed herself against Philippa’s back, irrationally fearing that, should she not practically meld into her companion, the barrier would not work and she would be seen. Triss did not move; she dared not even to breathe.

The swamp gently sloshed around a monster that seemed to have come from the depths of its very waters as it lumbered out from the shadows. It was bigger than they were _– _taller than a house with large membranous wings that stretched out from its frighteningly thin body. It paused, the dark bulbous form that looked to be its head suddenly parting completely in half, a hissing sound spraying out between two layers of sharp teeth. It almost sounded as though it was laughing at them, and Triss’ blood ran cold. She couldn’t tell if it was looking at them or not, and it took a few moments for Triss to realize that was because the creature had no eyes, and that Philippa’s barrier wasn’t meant to shroud them from sight at all.

Instead, it deafened them.

“What is it?” Triss breathed, a tremor within her words. Her grip on Philippa tightened as she looked over the other woman’s shoulder at the massive monster that still looked as though it knew they were there, however had yet to pinpoint their exact position due to Philippa’s enchantment.

“A vampyrode,” Philippa answered, her voice still soft despite the barrier. She did not take her eyes off the creature and her voice was oddly calm despite the terrifying situation. “It is blind, but it senses its prey in other ways. You need to listen to me; I may have made it unable to hear us, but it can still smell you. Our pheromones are heightened when we are afraid. You need to calm down. You need to _calm down_ or it will kill you, do you understand what I’m telling you?”

Triss’ heart clenched in her chest and, frankly, that made her even more terrified. The kind of pressure that put on her made Triss’ breathing uneven as her mind began to race. She was trying to think of something, _anything_ that would help her calm down so that she wouldn’t end up dying a brutal, horrifying death, but suddenly the monster was moving towards them, and now it was Philippa’s turn to clutch _her_ as she reached behind her, grabbing Triss’ hand. Her grip was bruising and desperate.

_“Triss.”_

Philippa was afraid. Not of the creature, but afraid for Triss. She was afraid that Triss would not be able to calm down in time, but fear was fear, and the vampyrode could smell hers as well now. It grew closer, its mouth hanging open with drool spilling out between its razored teeth. Its wings retracted back into its body and it suddenly stood taller, casting a terrible shadow over the two women who clutched to one another. Triss could not think, she could not breathe. However, neither of those things stopped her from reacting instinctively the moment the monster began to descend upon them.

When Triss had enrolled in Aretuza, one of the first spells she learned was one for concentration so that she could focus on her studies. In time she had trained herself to study without an aid, and thus she had no need of it for quite some time. Yet even still, it was that very spell that Triss’ body cast instinctively, and as the younger woman willed herself to focus on controlling her emotions she placed her hands on either side of Philippa’s head as she transferred her emotions to the woman bonded to her without even wondering for a second if she _could_.

The vampyrode stopped. Triss exhaled, but not because she was aware of the creature’s movements. Her eyes fell closed as she counted her breaths, her focus clear and unwavering. She could feel Philippa all around her, but this time was different than all the others. It was like Triss was _inside _her, which normally would have either overwhelmed or frightened the younger woman, but she did not have a moment to think twice about it. _Breathe,_ Triss gently reminded her mentor as she flooded her tranquility and stillness.

Philippa did as encouraged.

The swamp water sloshed as the vampyrode lost the scent of its prey and disappeared back from whence it came. The two women did not move for a long time however, keeping up their barrier and the concentration spell long enough to make certain they were finally alone. Finally, Triss released her hands from Philippa’s head, though her own was still gently bowed against the back of the woman’s skull. Their empathetic connection faded as they both let go of it simultaneously, yet neither woman moved, still gently leaning against one another.

“We must leave this place.”

Triss could not agree more. The problem was that they had no idea where they were, and that made traveling by portal dangerous. Philippa, however, did not seem to care. She created a portal, grabbed Triss’ hand, and forced them both through it before Triss could squawk in protest. She realized rather quickly, however, what Philippa was attempting to do once they exited in another part of the swampland: she was merely trying to move them forwards, not to a specific place. One cannot reach a destination without first knowing their original location, as portalling required a very clear idea of distance and direction for it to work properly. That was why Philippa was making short-distance portals, which were less dangerous but depleted her magic more quickly as she had to cast them over and over.

“Let me—”

“No.”

Philippa did not want help. The more portals she cast the paler she got, but she kept them moving forwards. They passed monsters of all kinds as they traveled, yet in the blink of an eye the two women were gone, vanishing before the creatures had a chance to catch their scent. Eventually their feet reached dry land and it was only then that Philippa finally allowed herself a breath, a _rest._ She nearly collapsed in the dirt after her final portal, but Triss grabbed a hold of her, keeping Philippa steady as she allowed the woman to lean on her.

“You could have let me help you,” Triss chastised, thankful to be out of danger yet now terribly frustrated at the state of her mentor. There was no need for that! They could have equally shared the burden and they would have gotten out of there all the same— _and _in better condition.

“Just get us to that village,” Philippa instructed, nodding her head towards a small cluster of houses near the top of the hill. “We need to know where we are so we can find our way home. If you so desire, you may continue to chastise me there, although I’m sure you’ve recognized by now it will do no good.”

Triss pursed her lips, irritated at the dismissal of her concerns. She did as instructed however and helped Philippa to the village, at least wanting the woman to be sitting down before she laid into her about how she wasn’t some kind of damsel that needed saving. She could have _helped._ She wasn’t weak and she wasn’t useless _– _and Triss was pretty certain she proved that when it was she who ended up having to get them out of that mess in the first place!

But perhaps that was the problem. Her fear for Triss’ safety did not sit well with Philippa; Triss could feel it when they became empathetically linked. Philippa had always had the good sense to put her own well-being above that of others – to prioritize herself and her own interests, whatever the cost. Yet this time she allowed her concern for Triss’ safety put herself in danger, and that bothered her. Even without their connection, Triss could read it in the lines etched between the woman’s brow. Philippa did not like that her concern for another weakened her, and she _certainly_ did not like that it was Triss’ actions that allowed them to escape the vampyrode.

No doubt that was why Philippa was so insistent on being the one to get them out of there. She didn’t want to ‘owe’ Triss anything, on top of everything else. But that was stupid, as Triss wouldn’t have even known what to do if not for her, so it wasn’t like their escape wasn’t collaborative to begin with. Regardless of Philippa’s motivations though, one thing was very clear: this trip had caused her a fair amount of discomfort for reasons that caused _Triss _to wonder if, perhaps, there wasn’t more to their relationship after all.

Was Philippa actually beginning to view her as a friend? Or, perhaps even…

“You, barkeep. What town is this?”

The two women had arrived at the nearest inn, the comfort of finally being indoors unparalleled. They sat at the bar top in neighboring seats, the old wood creaking beneath their weight as a stout man in his late forties approached them with interest, placing a glass in front of each women.

“Why this be Riedbrune, miss. Ye’ lost? We don’t get many folks lookin’ like yous two ‘round here.”

That was probably true. Despite their mildly disheveled appearance, Philippa and herself were dressed rather well. The rest of the customers seemed to favor cloth and linen, weathered and dirtied by their outdoor chores. They’d take good care not to get robbed while they were there, Triss realized. Some patrons were already eying them with more interest than she was comfortable with, and Triss made certain not to turn her back to them.

“No, merely sidetracked. Some bread, if you’d please. Cheese if you have it,” Philippa requested, knowing that she needed to get their strength up before they returned. “Riedbrune,” she mused after the barkeep turned away. She finally met Triss’ gaze, a hint of a proud smile gracing the corners of her lips. “Sodden. Well done.”

Triss’ expression leveled. Yes, Sodden was quite a ways south, but not south enough. She did not wish to be praised for her mistakes, so she corrected, “Still not Toussaint, and still in a_ swamp_.”

“The Dank Wilderness, actually. We were lucky to have only met a vampyrode. It could have been far worse.”

“I’m sorry.” Philippa shot her a look, but Triss reiterated her apology. “I’m _sorry. _I know you don’t like it, but I am. I might have achieved something no one else has before, but my failure to do it correctly put us in danger.”

“You got us out of it well enough,” Philippa responded before taking a small sip of the water that the barkeep had poured for her. She side-eyed her as she placed the glass back down on the table. “How did you know you were able to do that; project your emotions into me?”

“I didn’t.”

Philippa’s brow rose.

“It was… instinctual, almost? I don’t know how to describe it. I didn’t think – I just reacted. I couldn’t… I couldn’t let you die because of me,” Triss finished softly, her gaze falling to her lap. She didn’t know if she should bring it up, but regardless of the reasons behind Philippa’s reaction, Triss still felt guilty and ashamed. “Because you were afraid _for _me. You were fine until I began to panic.”

“I was,” Philippa agreed softly, but did not elaborate any further. Triss’ gaze met Philippa’s, her chest tightening with emotion. She wanted to say something to her, _anything, _but words wouldn’t form on her tongue. She wanted to know _why,_ she wanted to know if that meant anything or if she was just reading too much into it, because things felt like they were changing between them, but because there was a part of Triss that feared it was nothing more than her own wishful thinking, she stayed silent.

The moment was lost when the barkeep returned with the bread and cheese, and Triss tore her eyes away from her mentor to grab a slice. She suddenly felt a little self-conscious but could not pin point why. She nibbled on the bread, yet could feel Philippa’s eyes still upon her.

“I’m proud of you, Triss.”

Triss nearly choked on her food. The sincerity in Philippa’s voice startled her, and she quickly turned her head to meet the woman’s gaze once more. Her eyes were wide, and the expression on her face seemed to amuse Philippa, as she cracked a smile.

“You don’t have to look so _surprised. _I know you like to dwell on your failures, pet, but you achieved something big today. It may not have gone the way you wanted or expected, but perfection does not come from talent _– _it comes from practice. One day I know you will be able to bring me to Beauclair and when you do, I will take you out wine tasting and dancing, and we will celebrate your success. Does that sound agreeable?”

Triss blinked. “You… want to—?” But she couldn’t ask if Philippa meant it as a date, because what if she hadn’t? Either way though, Triss would love to spend more time with Philippa, so she quickly amended with, “I mean, yeah… yes. Yes, I would love that.”

She _had _to get that megascope working now — and fast. A night out on the town with Philippa in _Beauclair _of all places sounded… wonderful. Triss was already mentally planning what she would wear when Philippa spoke, and said something that both terrified and thrilled her all at once.

“Good. It’s a date then.”

**TBC…**

  



	10. X.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait until Sunday to post this, but I’m in the middle of writing chapter 15 at the moment and I should probably stop hoarding, lol.

**X.**

“Is this too revealing?”

Triss turned completely around so that her back faced the image of her friend in the megascope. She was wearing a open backed gown that was cut very, _very_ low. It made her ass look absolutely _amazing,_ but Triss was certain there was still a line she should not cross in regards to tastefulness. She was just unsure in that moment where that line lied _–_ after all, it wasn’t as though she had ever attended anything like this before. Triss wanted to look good and to make an impression, but she certainly did not wish to make the _wrong _one, especially since as her apprentice, she would be there representing Philippa. The last thing Triss wanted to do was embarrass her.

“Yes. You can catch someone’s eye without having to show that much skin,” Yennefer responded bluntly. Triss pouted, as she really enjoyed that dress, but she respected Yennefer’s opinion on the matter and so she pushed it off her shoulders and shimmied it down her hips. The dress pooled on the floor, but Yennefer’s eyes never lingered on her friend’s body. “Besides, Sabrina will be there _–_ we’ll have our fill of slutty attire, I’m sure.”

“Sabrina Glevissig?” Triss asked before she began rummaging through her closet again. “She was your classmate while in Aretuza, right?”

“You spend far too much time studying the ancient history of that place, but no. I’m far younger.”

Triss snorted and looked over her shoulder at the image of Yennefer in the megascope. The dark-haired woman narrowed her eyes at her, as if daring her to contradict her claim. Triss did not however, despite knowing the truth of it. Triss knew the name of every sorceress that studied in Aretuza, along with the years they were there. There was little point of lying to her, and Yennefer knew that; still, she chose to do it anyway. Pride, no doubt.

A frustrated sound ripped past the younger woman’s lips after she turned back to her closet. “I have nothing to wear!” Triss exclaimed, visibly upset. Once more whipping around to face Yennefer she begged, “Please, _please_ just come over and help me pick something. Philippa doesn’t need to know that you came.”

“I may not enjoy Philippa Eilhart’s company, but I still respect her enough not to teleport unannounced into her home. Besides, it would be foolish to assume that she didn’t have wards to prevent such an intrusion.”

Triss deflated, her back slumping against the wardrobe as she stared helplessly at her friend’s image. She was right, this place _was_ warded rather thoroughly. Perhaps if Yennefer teleported just outside, and Triss snuck her in through the back…?

“I know that look on your face. Stop scheming, the answer is no. Besides, I arrived at Tretogor Palace just this morning. If you yearn for my company that badly, perhaps _you_ could come to me.”

“I promised Philippa I would be on her arm during the banquet. I cannot go on my own after making such a commitment; that would be incredibly insulting.”

Not to mention the fact that Triss could not _wait_ to be escorted by Philippa during such an occasion. She still had absolutely no idea where their relationship stood _–_ if Philippa merely enjoyed flirting with her or if she was truly serious about getting involved with her at some point. She had been very plain in the beginning of Triss’ apprenticeship that she did not get involved with her pupils, but the more their relationship progressed, the more Philippa seemed to almost regret her resolve. She made little comments here and there, even going so far as to trying to get her to sleep with her under the guise of a “lesson,” and then just last week she made a point to use the word “date”, which left little to interpretation.

Philippa was interested in her. To what extent, Triss did not know, but now that her self-esteem issues were dissipating and the veil of unworthiness was being lifted from her eyes, Triss would have been blind not to see it. It excited her, honestly. To have someone like _Philippa_ want her was… rather unparalleled. What was even more grand was that the longer this went on, the more Triss began to realize that it wasn’t just a physical attraction either. Philippa respected her and her opinions, and always seemed eager to hear what she had to say. She was interested in _her,_ and not just her work. Philippa felt enough for her that she ended up inadvertently putting herself in danger. She _cared_ enough to try to make Triss a stronger, more capable woman, and that was…

“Your eyes are going crossed again. Stop daydreaming. You’re going together?” Yennefer queried, an apparent interest in her tone.

Triss snapped herself out of it, a faint blush coloring her cheeks at being caught. “Well, I _am_ her apprentice…”

“And as her apprentice, you would be expected to keep a pace or two behind her, not be on her arm. I’ve seen her attend these gatherings with apprentices before. They are meant to be shadows, not an accessory.”

Triss tried unsuccessfully to hide her smile. Instead she turned back towards her closet and grabbed the first dress she saw, realizing she should probably stop flashing her tits at her friend. Not that Yennefer was looking, which was fine but… annoying. Not that Triss _wanted_ her to look, but she just should have, you know? Regardless, being half naked wasn’t helping her choose what to wear, so Triss quickly slipped on a forest green gown. It was strapless and bunched tastefully between her breasts, hugging her hips in such a way that it almost made her curves look more dramatic, and Triss smiled at herself when she looked at her reflection in the mirror.

“I see you have impressed her,” Yennefer noted. Triss expected to hear disappointment in her tone, as no doubt Yennefer believed her to now be sharing a bed with Philippa, yet she heard no trace of it. “Well done. That dress is sure to do the same, if _that_ is why you are obsessing so dramatically about what to wear.”

Triss’ cheeks flared.

“I thought so.”

“You’re not angry?” Triss asked, shyly tucking her hair behind her ear. A part of her wasn’t just afraid that Yennefer would disapprove because of her apprenticeship and how Philippa could be emotionally dangerous to her, but because _Yennefer_ used to date her.

(Date her, have Philippa go down on her without ever reciprocating, whatever you want to call it. There was history there, and that was all that mattered.)

“Last time we spoke I promised you I would stop being overprotective. I mean to keep that promise,” Yennefer told her seriously. Triss exhaled the breath that was trapped in her chest, feeling infinitely better. “Besides, Philippa doesn’t allow conquests to escort her either. She must really respect you, to willingly invite such gossip.”

Triss stopped fiddling with her hair in front of the mirror and turned towards her friend, “Gossip?”

“It has been quite a long time since any of us have ever seen Philippa with someone on her arm,” Yennefer explained. Triss blanched, suddenly realizing that this was a bigger deal than she had assumed it would be. “Not only that, but you have yet to graduate from Aretuza. You are her _apprentice._ People will talk, Triss, and Philippa prides herself on her reputation. You must have done something incredibly impressive for her to ignore all that.”

Triss suddenly felt sick. She didn’t _feel_ as though she did anything impressive; after all, the last big thing she accomplished nearly got them killed. Philippa surely wasn’t having her escort her because of something like _that,_ right? 

A couple hours ago, Triss had been confident about their outing. She was beginning to realize how Philippa felt about her and wished to capitalize on that, but now she felt inadequate and confused, unable to understand why someone as important and respected as Philippa Eilhart would invite such a scandal for someone like _her._

“You’re anxious,” Philippa noted as they walked through the ornate doors leading into Tretogor Palace. Triss clutched at her escort’s arm, the deep blue of Philippa’s gold-embroidered doublet contrasting nicely against her olive skin. When Triss first saw her at Montecalvo she stared. She stared _a lot. _Philippa had always been one of the most beautiful women that Triss had ever seen, but tonight she was even more so. Her hair was slicked back into a long braid down the center of her back, her eyes shadowed with gold and dark brown. But as beautiful as Philippa was, once they arrived at their destination, Triss could barely look at her because she was so damned worried about everyone else looking at _them._

“I’m fine,” Triss lied, but Philippa pulled her aside before they got to the banquet hall, stopping just a little ways outside the doors. There were still some people filing into the castle, but not as many as would be on the other side of those doors. Triss bit her bottom lip as she noticed a pair of sorceresses staring, but a gentle hand was placed beneath her chin, and the younger woman was coaxed to look at one of the few people who not just looked at her, but truly _saw_ her.

“Tell me what’s wrong, pet,” Philippa encouraged softly, making certain that Triss kept eye contact with her. “Do you not want to be here? Because I need to make an appearance, but it can be brief. I don’t wish to make you uncomfortable.”

“No, no… that’s not it.”

Philippa looked at her expectantly, and Triss sighed. She was tired of feeling this way, tired of always second-guessing her own worthiness, and yet even when she thought she had rid herself of the nuisance, it ended up rearing its ugly head again.

“Why did you want me on your arm tonight?” she finally asked. “_Me,_ of all people. I know you don’t usually have female accompaniment to these kinds of things, and I’m your _apprentice._ I’m young, have yet to even graduate from Aretuza. People are going to talk.”

Philippa’s expression was unreadable, which was utterly frustrating because Triss needed to know how to feel about all of this. “And do you care about what they have to say?” she queried. She sounded curious, but that was about the extent of her readable emotions _–_ especially because Triss was too trapped in her own insecurities to feel her through their bond.

“No, but I’m not worried about me. I’m worried about you_._ I don’t want to tarnish your reputation. I’m not worth that, believe me.”

Philippa’s eyes narrowed. “Firstly, do not ever presume to think you know what I do, or do not, deem worth anything,” she responded sternly. Triss bit the inside of her cheek. “Secondly, I value my professional reputation far more than my personal one. Let people think what they want, it bears no difference to me as I do not, in any way, care nor value their opinions. Finally, I wanted you on my arm tonight because I’ve come to find I very much enjoy your company, Triss Merigold. Is that not enough?”

Triss pursed her lips, feeling a little foolish for concerning herself over such things. Clearly Philippa did not care, so why did she? Why couldn’t she just block everyone else out and just enjoy her night with the most beautiful woman in the room? She deserved this. She deserved a night of fun, and she deserved to have it with Philippa.

The corners of Triss’ lips turned up into a smile. “It’s more than enough,” she told her softly, her gaze dipping she relinked her arm with her mistress. Philippa returned her smile in kind, and the pit of Triss’ stomach ignited in a fierce heat.

“I’m glad to hear it.”

As the two women entered the banquet hall, Triss felt her breath leave her as she took everything in. The room was twice as big than anything at Aretuza _or _Montecalvo. Great tapestries hung from its walls between the large ornate windows where the dining tables lied, with the eastern end of the southern-most wall being occupied by a massive glass door that opened up to the balcony. On the other side of the room was a minstrels gallery and an inviting fireplace with lots of space for the guests to mingle and dance. The room was bathed in reds and silvers and Triss’ lips parted in awe as she admired the atmosphere around her.

“Wow…”

Triss could feel Philippa’s eyes on her and when she turned to meet her mentor’s gaze she blushed a little at the look she was being given. Philippa was still smiling at her, but as though she merely found Triss endearingly naive. She wanted Philippa to view her as an equal though, and this did not feel like that. “Stop. All of this is new to me. I’m allowed to be enamored by it.”

“Nobody said you weren’t.”

The upbeat music and drone of conversation continued on in the background and Triss wrinkled her nose. “I may be your ‘pet’, but I am not infantile. I’d just rather you not look at me like I’m some kind of adorable puppy, is all.”

“Oh? And how would you like me to look at you then?” Philippa queried, but the tone in her voice indicated she already very well _knew_ what Triss wanted. Triss purposely said nothing and Philippa quirked an eyebrow. “Well?”

She wasn’t going to spell it out for her. If Philippa could play coy, then so could she.

“You know how,” Triss answered with more confidence than she had in the past. She held eye contact with Philippa, watching the corner of the other woman’s lips hint at a smirk.

“Do I?” she responded innocently as her eyes purposely betrayed her words and she began to drink up everything Triss had to offer her. The younger woman lightly flushed under the intensity of Philippa’s gaze, a fierce heat igniting in the pit of her stomach. Philippa crossed the space between them and Triss’ mouth went dry as she held a staring contest with the other woman’s lips, desperately wishing she had enough courage to kiss her. But Triss couldn’t even do it when they were alone, let alone surrounded by hundreds of others who were no doubt already paying far too much attention to this interaction from across the room and passing judgment, and so she stood there, frozen and wanton.

“Mmm,” was all Triss could murmur beneath her breath, absolutely lost in the other woman’s eyes.

“Phil.”

A man’s voice broke the tension, and Philippa’s irritated, _“What?”_ snapped Triss out of her haze as she looked over at the interruption. Sigismund Dijkstra stood next to Philippa, a grave expression on his face.

“I need a word.”

“Have you lost your sense, or are you unable to see I’m in the middle of something?”

Dijkstra didn’t exactly looked pleased by the dismissal, but he pressed on anyhow. “It’s urgent.”

Philippa didn’t look happy, but she took him at his word. Triss assumed that whatever it was concerning was political in nature, considering she doubted Dijkstra would have invited Philippa’s ire otherwise. She inclined her head in recognition, and Dijkstra slithered back into the shadows where he belonged. Philippa turned to Triss, an unspoken apology in her tone. “I’ll only be a minute. Drink, mingle. I will find you when my business concludes.”

Triss nodded, feeling a little put-out. She forced herself to give Philippa a small smile as she untangled herself from her arm. “I’ll be waiting.”

Philippa’s lips curled. “Oh believe me, pet, I_ know_ you will be.”

Triss watched the other woman leave for probably longer than necessary before she realized she couldn’t keep standing there like an idiot. She needed to find Yennefer, at the very least to say hello. It had been such a long time since she had seen her in person, and she had missed her terribly. So Triss weaved herself through the throngs of nobles and mages, hoping to spot Yennefer’s mess of dark hair among the masses.

Instead, it was Philippa’s name coming from another’s mouth that made Triss stop.

“Did you see that young thing that was hanging off of Philippa’s arm earlier? Embarrassing.”

Triss’ throat constricted, her gaze landing on two sorceresses in front of her who weren’t exactly being discreet with their gossip. They did not notice that they were being blatantly overheard by one of the subjects of their conversation however, and the second asked, “Who is she? I didn’t recognize her. A sorceress, I’m assuming.”

“Barely. A _student._ Her own apprentice, if the rumors are true; although not like that would be a surprise to anyone,” the first woman replied, chuckling through a scoff. She was slim, beautiful, but had this expression on her face like everything around her stunk of rot. “Still, some things should be kept in the bedroom. No doubt Philippa has just reached _that age_ though… accessorizing with that child must make her feel younger, otherwise she’s absolutely lost it.”

“Excuse me, but I am _hardly_ a child,” Triss interrupted furiously, her anger outweighing the insecure part of her that just wanted to flee and disappear. The two sorceresses looked back surprised, but only one of them looked apologetic, and it was not the one who was doing most of the slandering. “And frankly, my relationship with my mentor is none of your business, so I’d thank you to keep her name out of your mouths because honestly, your childish need to gossip is what’s _embarrassing_ here_.”_

“Sabrina… making friends again, I see.”

Triss exhaled the fury she held as relief flooded her with the sound of Yennefer’s voice. She appeared from behind her, standing next to Triss in an act of solidarity. She was in all black except for her lips, which were painted a deep red. “Forgive me for mentioning it, but was it not _you_ who made such a stink about gossiping about sorceresses’ ages? And yet here you are, partaking in the very thing you’ve rallied so hard against.”

Sabrina looked at Yennefer like her very presence had managed to ruin her entire night. “Philippa’s _age_ was hardly the point.” Her gaze fell upon Triss then, her look of disgust deepening. The pit of Triss’ stomach ignited with rage.

“When you imply her chosen company is only due to a mid-life crisis, you make it about her age,” Yennefer snapped, dropping the feigned pleasantries. “Find your entertainment elsewhere. I’m tired of it. There are plenty of nobles for you to gossip about here without having to turn on one of our own.”

Sabrina shot Yennefer a sarcastic look, yet did not argue. She and her companion left Triss and Yennefer alone and when they were finally a fair distance away, Triss turned to look at her friend. “Thank you. I know you warned me, but I wasn’t really prepared.”

“You held your own better than I would have expected,” Yennefer told her with a small smile. “I’m proud of you. I’m also glad your time with Philippa has encouraged you to speak up for yourself. It was what I hoped would happen.”

Triss tucked her hair behind her ear, trying not to grin from ear to ear. She hadn’t realize how much she had grown, but Yennefer was right; her time with Philippa was what gave her enough confidence to speak up on her own behalf. If this had been a few months ago, Triss would have fled the party and never returned. Now she knew that she deserved to be here as much as anyone else, and that she deserved to enjoy herself without fear of judgment and persecution from others.

“Sometimes I feel like a different person,” Triss revealed as she linked her friend’s arm in her own, leading her away from the cluster of guests. She didn’t need people eavesdropping when she spoke of Philippa, considering there was enough gossip about the two of them. She smiled, her grip on her friend tightening. “But… I think I rather like it.”

She led Yennefer to the balcony which was, for the most part, rather deserted. It was an unusually cold night, but at least the temperature afforded them some privacy. They fell off to the side, away from the party stragglers, and the light of the moon made Yennefer look almost ethereal. Then again, she always came off as more than human; more than _most,_ at any rate. It was just a part of her appeal and yet, in that moment Triss realized that as beautiful as Yennefer was, she still had nothing on Philippa.

“You think?”

“I know,” Triss corrected, firm. Her smile widened as she untangled from her friend and leaned against the cold stone of the castle. She looked past the balcony, seeing the gardens of Tretogor below. Even at night, they looked beautiful: fountains and flowers and statues made of marble and gold. “I know I do. I just surprise myself at times, but that’s a good thing.”

Yennefer’s eyes crinkled as she smiled. They did not have much more time to catch up however, as it was then that Philippa found them. She barely even acknowledged Yennefer; instead, she went straight to Triss’ side.

“That took far longer than I would have liked,” she told her in lieu of an apology, but it didn’t matter, as Triss knew the women felt apologetic despite her detest of the actual words. Philippa’s lips gently brushed Triss’ cheek in greeting, and the younger woman flushed a gentle pink in response. It was then that Philippa turned and acknowledged that they were not alone. “I see you were well taken care of in my absence.”

“She usually is.”

Triss narrowed her eyes at her friend’s tone, and Yennefer sighed softly before she seemed to realize that perhaps being antagonistic towards Philippa was no longer helping matters. Not that Philippa’s tone was entirely _friendly_ when she addressed Yennefer either, but still. Someone had to be the bigger person. One of them, _eventually._

“You’ve done well with Triss,” Yennefer finally said, although it looked as though it was a little painful for her. Still, she bit the bullet for Triss’ sake and extended her flimsy olive branch. “She has improved greatly in your care.”

Philippa looked like she didn’t exactly know what to do with the compliment, and she shifted her weight between her feet before she spoke. “As I’ve said many times over, Yennefer… I take my apprenticeships seriously.”

“As I expect you would with any _other_ area in your life,” Yennefer responded, but the warning behind her words was clear as she watched Triss wrap herself around Philippa’s arm, her body nestled against her mentor’s. In the end, Yennefer was still wary about the possibility of Triss getting hurt, and while the young woman appreciated her concern, she honestly no longer believed it valid. She and Philippa might not be anything yet, but they certainly weren’t _nothing _either.

Philippa looked like she wanted to retort to that, but Triss gently pulled the other woman closer to her, pressing her lips against her ear. “Take me down to the gardens?” she requested, hoping it would distract Philippa enough to ignore her never-ending feud with Yennefer. Sliding her hand down the woman’s arm, Triss tangled her fingers in Philippa’s and squeezed her hand. “Please, Mistress?” she breathed, gently placing her chin on Philippa’s shoulder. “I’ve always wanted to see them.”

In all honestly, Triss couldn’t give a damn about the gardens, but she wanted to defuse the situation before it escalated any further, because she was certain that Philippa was not about to take kindly to that sort of warning. And it seemed to have worked, albeit perhaps a little too well, if the amused, yet impressed expression on Yennefer’s face was anything to attest to. Was she really doing it? Was she really able to control someone like Philippa Eilhart, even for a second?

The answer, it seemed, was yes… she very much could.

“Excuse us, Yennefer; it seems we have matters to attend to,” Philippa dismissed, barely giving Yennefer another thought or glance as she did exactly what was requested of her, and led Triss down to the gardens. Like the balcony, they, too, were practically deserted, but Triss led them both somewhere a little more private than the common area so as to not be caught by any wandering eyes. They found a spot near a large fountain with a quaint seating section along the eastern edge, and it was only then that Triss turned to face the other woman, a lingering smile on her lips.

“You don’t have to look so proud of yourself, you know.”

Triss' grin grew wider. “I do though,” she insisted, riding out her high as she took a couple steps backwards until she was against a small stone wall. “I do,” she repeated again, this time softer as she looked at the other woman in the light of the moon. “Come here,” Triss requested breathlessly, finally finding her courage. The chill in the air was starting to get to her and her skin was littered with goosebumps, her nipples practically tearing holes in the soft fabric of her dress. Triss could barely feel it; the only thing that was consuming her in that moment was the fire in the pit of her stomach as she looked at the woman she knew she was going to have.

A small smirk tugged at the edge of Philippa’s lips. She stepped closer to her. “You look cold, pet,” she gently teased.

“Then keep me warm.”

Triss reached out, grabbing a hold of the other woman’s hand before pulling Philippa flush against her. Triss felt her breathing shallow at the look in her mentor’s eyes, but she was beginning to realize that if she truly wanted something, then she was going to have to take it for herself. Perhaps Philippa was just concerned about what that meant for her work ethic if she blurred the lines herself, or perhaps it was that she simply wished to teach Triss that she couldn’t just sit around and wait for things to be handed to her. Or maybe, just maybe, this tension was far too delicious to break, and Philippa wanted to ride it out as long as she could.

Right now, Triss could relate.

Philippa’s gaze never wavered from hers as she gently ran her fingers up the exposed flesh of the younger woman’s arm. Instead of the touch warming her, all it seemed to do was make more goosebumps appear in its wake, and Triss gently bit down on her bottom lip. Philippa leaned in, but instead of pressing their lips together she kept them a hair’s width apart, a slow smile gracing the edges of her lips as she felt Triss’ breathing shallow and her heart race. But Triss was not her prey in this scenario, so she grasped Philippa’s hand in her own before placing it on her breast. Philippa hissed in approval and Triss exhaled a desperate groan as the other woman immediately slid her thumb across the taut nipple that pulled on the fabric of her dress. But that was it, that was all, and Triss could do nothing more than just lean against the wall and try to find her breath.

“Do you want me to beg? Is that it?”

“No, pet, I don’t want you to beg,” Philippa breathed, sounding a little amused at the absolute state she had managed to get her protégé into. She leaned in, gently nipping at the younger woman’s ear in a way that practically made Triss fall apart_. _She whimpered, pressing her pelvis into Philippa’s thigh as her fingers dug into the fabric of her doublet. But Philippa had something else to say, and when she pressed her lips to Triss’ ear she told her sincerely, “I just want you to enjoy this, and in the cold gardens where anyone could see us is not the place for such an experience. When I fuck you, Triss Merigold, and I _will_ fuck you… many times over and in a hundred different ways… it will just be you and I, and you will be comfortable and content. I promise you that.”

Philippa stepped back from her then, and Triss exhaled. She felt so torn. On one hand she appreciated that Philippa wanted to treat her better than _Keira_ did, with their meaningless public sex outing that ended in disaster, but on the other, she couldn’t just… she couldn’t just _do_ that and then…!

“—Wait,” Triss demanded. She wanted something, and she was going to have it because she knew, she _knew_ Philippa wanted it just as badly as she did. So Triss did what she had desperately wanted to do all night, and closed the distance between them. Her hand slipped around the back of Philippa’s neck, pulling them together until their lips met for the first time. The feeling that accompanied the kiss was more than Triss could have ever hoped to describe, and it got even better once it took all of about two seconds for Philippa to kiss her back with the same intense hunger that had plagued Triss for so long.

Philippa seemed to have moved on instinct because suddenly Triss’ back was up against the wall once more, and the younger woman was practically whimpering in her mouth as she grasped on to every part of her newfound lover that she could reach. “Tonight,” Triss begged between heated kisses before clutching the back of Philippa’s skull as the woman sucked on the base of her neck. “Please.”

Philippa’s lips met hers once more for a brief, heated kiss. “What did I tell you about begging?”

“I could hike up my dress and show you just how desperate I am for your touch, if you’d like me to be more thorough,” Triss panted, not caring anymore about how that sounded, or if she should be the one to take control. She was, truly, desperate for Philippa’s touch, but she refused to be embarrassed by it. Instead, she owned it. Triss owned her sexuality and what she wanted, and what she _wanted_ was for Philippa to ravage her. Utterly. Completely. She wanted to be at her mercy; she wanted to be consumed.

“Mmm. Tempting.”

“_Phil.”_

Triss’ hand began to go up her own dress because damnit, she was _serious,_ but Philippa just chuckled and stilled her hand halfway up by wrapping her own around it. They locked eyes, the breeze picking up Triss’ hair and whipping it back from her face as her chest heaved and her cheeks flushed pink. Philippa unconsciously licked her lips.

“Tonight… I will give you whatever you wish, pet.”

“You,” Triss breathed, looking at the other woman with a mixture of desire and admiration in her eyes. “All I want is you.”

Philippa smiled softly, encouraging Triss’ hand that was in her own upwards until she could lay her lips gently over her pulse. “Then you shall have me,” she promised, and Triss had never felt more alive.

**TBC…**


	11. XI.

**XI.**

"Wait, wait…" Triss begged breathlessly, her dress already bunched down at her waist and her tits completely out. They had barely gotten through the doors of Montecalvo before they were on one another, needing to feel some kind of relief from the absolute awful side-effects of their shared bond. As it turned out, if they were both turned on simultaneously that feeling kept ricocheting between them, intensifying it to rather unbearable levels. Even _Philippa_ was having a hard time controlling the desire she was experiencing, and thus it was her decision that they leave early. Triss was thankful for it, because it wasn't as though it had gone unnoticed either.

Yennefer, of course, had some choice looks to give her, but not like that was anything new. Triss would explain later, as Yennefer was already more than aware how the two women were tied to one another and the ramifications of such a bond.

"What is it?" Philippa asked her through labored breaths, immediately taking her hands from Triss' body. She probably thought she was revoking consent, but considering that was the farthest thing from Triss' mind, she quickly snatched the other woman's hands in her own and placed them back around her hips.

They were a little ways up the stairs, practically stumbling all over themselves as they tried to both undress _and_ get to a bedroom. They only managed about half-way for each. Triss' shoes were at the bottom of the stairs, Philippa's doublet thrown over the banister, leaving the other woman in a half-unbuttoned undershirt that allowed the delicious exposure of a single breast. But halfway there was better than all the way in that moment, as Triss realized she did _not_ want her first time with Philippa to be when she wasn't at her best and right then was… well, not it.

"I should bathe. I don't want…"

Philippa looked amused at the insistence. "We _are_ going to bathe, pet. Did you really think I'd touch you with the day's stink upon me?" She chuckled and took Triss' hand in her own, leading her the rest of the way up the stairs. They turned down the west wing, which was not somewhere Triss had ever been. She knew that was Philippa's private quarters, and so she always made sure to stay in other parts of the house. Now though, she was being privy to the entirety of it, and when they turned into the second door on the left, Triss' eyes went wide.

Philippa's washroom was _huge. _Her tub, larger than Triss had ever seen, and easily a good fit for two. The younger woman pursed her lips however, a little self conscious about bathing in front of the other woman. Sex was one thing _– _it was mostly instinctual; quick and messy and raw _– _but there was something more private about bathing, and Triss just hadn't— she hadn't really mentally prepared for this.

"I'll turn around if you wish, although I must warn you that there's little I haven't seen."

Triss rolled her eyes at the other woman's teasing. "I've just never… done something like this before. It seems, I don't know, _intimate."_

"And you don't want to be intimate with me," Philippa guessed, her tone oddly even. Triss didn't dwell on it though, as she could feel from their bond that that actually bothered Philippa a little. With how close they had been tonight, their empathetic connection was opened wider than it had ever been, and neither women had to go digging to feel what the other was experiencing.

"I'm _wary_ about being intimate with you," Triss corrected honestly, her fingers nervously playing with the hem of her dress that had bunched up around her hips. At first, she had thought she would be nervous to be naked in front of Philippa, but she was already halfway there and barely gave it another thought. It felt strangely natural. "You know how I feel about you. I _know _you can feel it. Even if it's just some stupid crush, I don't want you to just—"

Philippa cut her words off with another kiss. "Triss," she breathed against her lips, her grip gentle around the back of the younger woman's neck. Their gaze met, and Philippa's eyes searched hers. "You know I hate it when you needlessly babble. It's just a bath. Don't over think it."

That didn't exactly make Triss feel any better, but Philippa had stepped back from her and was now undressing and, oh, _fuck_ she was beautiful. Triss' breathing shallowed as she took in every dip, every curve of her lover's body, and Philippa just stood there, absolutely loving the way that Triss looked at her. The younger woman approached her then, her bottom lip trapped between her teeth. "You are…" but there were no words. Triss looked at Philippa kind of helplessly, and Philippa smirked softly before she grasped the fabric that was around Triss' waist, pulling the woman toward her as she encouraged the rest of the dress to fall to the ground.

"I know," Philippa breathed as she hooked her fingers around Triss' soaked undergarments. Triss trembled in anticipation as Philippa made a big showing of pulling them down her thighs, and her cheeks flushed red once she realized that Philippa could tell just _how_ wanton she was for her. Her thighs were sticky with arousal already, and she no doubt stunk like desire. Triss had to step away from her.

"Bath," she reiterated desperately.

Philippa complied with her request, magically filling the large tub with water. "Go on," she encouraged, as Triss didn't want to just hop in without her, but Philippa seemed to realize that the other woman wasn't going to able to have sex with her unless she felt she was at her best, and so she allowed Triss some time to clean herself.

Philippa eventually sank into the water across from her, her own sponge lazily trailing across her skin while she looked straight at Triss the entire time she cleaned herself. Triss flushed again, especially because she needed to clean _other places_ and she had never had an audience for that before. "Must you stare at me like that?"

Philippa chuckled, but approved Triss' request for some semblance of privacy as she sank back into the basin, allowing her head to lean back against the edge while her eyes fell closed. She looked relaxed, her chest just out of the water enough that her nipples tightened from the contrasting temperature in the air. Triss tried to clean herself now that she had some sort of space, but in all honestly… "Now it just feels like I'm intruding."

Thankfully, Philippa didn't seem annoyed, even though Triss was certain that _she_ would be annoyed with herself at this point. She did seem a little amused though, and as she opened her eyes and looked at Triss she asked her, "Then tell me, pet, what is it that you want?"

"I… I don't know."

Philippa quirked an eyebrow. Apparently that was not an acceptable answer.

"I want you to tell me what to do because I don't— I've never done this. I don't know what I want. I think…"

"You think what?" Philippa prodded, knowing that Triss had an answer that she had yet to reach.

"I think… I just want you to touch me," Triss finally told her, realizing that she couldn't handle this. Whatever _this_ was. She had such a clear picture in her mind about what her first time with Philippa would be like, and this was no where close. She expected Philippa to just fuck her, consume her, and then ultimately toss her aside. Philippa was… she was _looking _at her though. She was talking to her. She was treating her like she was really there, and not just some prop in one of her dirty fantasies, and Triss… Triss had _no_ idea how to handle that.

It was what she wanted, if she were to be honest, but because she didn't expect it, it was making her rather uneasy.

"I'm sorry," Triss breathed as Philippa crossed to the other side of the tub to settle in next to her. She placed her hand on Triss' thigh while her other brushed away a strand of hair that had gotten in her eyes. The way that Philippa looked at Triss, it was as though she truly believed her to be beautiful, and Triss wished she could burn that look into her memory so she could recall it anytime she felt like less than such. "You should have just fucked me in the gardens. It would have been better than this."

"I meant it when I told you I do not condone your perverted desires for public sex," Philippa told her, and Triss flushed despite knowing the woman was just teasing her about how she got caught with Keira. A hint of a smirk pulled at Philippa's lips. "Regardless, freezing my tits off did not sound like a pleasant time, as fun as I'm sure it would have been otherwise."

Triss said nothing, and Philippa looked at her for a long time before she told her seriously, "Don't ever apologize for how you feel. You're inexperienced; I'm more than aware that can cause you to have some hesitation and, despite popular assumption, I _do_ know how to exercise patience." Triss wrinkled her nose at the word 'inexperienced', and Philippa's next question only caused those lines to deepen. "How many lovers have you taken?"

"…Two."

Triss was embarrassed to admit that, but she also did not want to lie.

"And how many fucked you for longer than an hour?"

"None?"

Were they supposed to? Keira probably could have if they hadn't gotten interrupted (although whether she _would_ is another matter entirely), but Triss somehow doubted that Piotr would have been able to undertake such a task.

"Sex isn't just supposed to be about that brief moment of gratification," Philippa told her, the hand on the younger woman's thigh encouraging them to part. Triss pursed her lips but allowed them to fall to either side of the tub, her breath catching in the back of her throat at the first feel of Philippa's fingers against her mound. "It can be of course, and when you are young there is nothing wrong with fucking for the sake of _fucking_, but believe me, pet, when you get older, you'll find you need something far more. Sex by itself is boring. But people… people are not. So if I'm going to experience someone, then I would rather experience _all _of them… wouldn't you?"

Philippa's fingers gently pressed against the younger woman's clit and Triss shuddered, grasping onto Philippa's arm as she locked eyes with the woman she had desired for so long. "How long does that take?" she asked breathlessly, suddenly realizing that this, _all _of this, was a part of Philippa's foreplay, and that she meant to extend it far longer than Triss ever thought possible. She wanted to be with her, really _with_ her for a yet undetermined, extended period of time, and that both thrilled and terrified Triss, because she wasn't sure if she could live up to that kind of expectation.

"As long as you need."

The pressure between her began to slowly but steadily grow and Triss whimpered, grasping for the back of her lover's neck as she brought her in for a breathless kiss. As enjoyable as it seemed for Philippa to watch the pleasure play out across her expression, Triss couldn't bear being looked at for that long. She was already having the acute realization in her head that _Philippa Eilhart_ was fucking her, finally, after so long of desiring such a thing, and she did not need the fact that Philippa seemed to want to soak up every moment of fucking her on top of that because, quite honestly, it was more than Triss could accept. Despite the signs, despite the goddamn obvious, for some reason this was still so _wildly _unbelievable.

Philippa's fingers dipped lower, finding Triss' arousal a different consistency than the water as the older woman allowed it to coat her fingers. Triss sucked in a sharp breath, her fingers curling into the back of the other woman's neck. "Please," she breathed, realizing with sudden and vivid clarity what it was that she wanted. "I need to feel you inside me."

"_Patience, _pet…" Philippa purred, her lips finding Triss' check, the underside of her jaw, her neck. The pressure found the younger woman's clit just as Philippa took the soft skin of her neck entirely into her mouth. Triss groaned desperately, her eyes falling closed and her hips pressing into her lover's hand as the heat in the base of her abdomen began to spread outward.

But as soon as she began to get too close to the edge, Triss would instinctively move her hips to thwart Philippa from actually finishing the job. It was starting to frustrate Triss, who couldn't understand why she was doing such a thing. She was _so close,_ and yet anytime she got right on the edge…

"Has anyone ever given you an orgasm before, Triss?"

Triss bit down on her lower lip, shaking her head no. Her time with Keira was interrupted before they got that far, and Piotr seemed to care more about his own pleasure than hers. Maybe that was it. Maybe she was just having a hard time letting go in front of someone else because she never had before.

"But you've given yourself one, I assume."

Triss hesitated, but eventually nodded her head yes.

"Put your hand over mine," Philippa instructed. Triss did as asked, feeling her lover's lithe fingers beneath her own. "Show me." Triss opened her eyes to look at her, a little embarrassed about using Philippa's hand to masturbate. She noticeably hesitated. "Would it help if you were able to watch me fuck myself while you do it?" She didn't want Triss to be the only one in a vulnerable position, as she was more than aware that this was all very new to her.

But Philippa said it so _candidly_ that it made Triss wonder why she was so embarrassed about it. Philippa clearly did not view masturbation as something private, nor as something to be ashamed of, so why was Triss? Still, regardless of all that… "Isn't your hand a little busy?" she asked, as Philippa was right-handed, and her right hand was now beneath Triss' hand.

Philippa smirked. "You forget that we have other ways of seeing things now."

She inclined her head until it gently rested against Triss', her eyes falling closed as she concentrated. Suddenly, images of Philippa flooded Triss' mind. Her hand was between her legs, her thighs were covered with arousal, and she was fucking herself with a phallic looking object that made her pant and groan each time it pushed into her. Despite it being a little strange seeing it from _Philippa's_ point of view, Triss helplessly whimpered at the sight, and her hand moved on instinct, guiding Philippa's that was still camped out between her thighs.

"Do you know what night that was, pet?" Philippa breathed into her ear, the words eliciting goosebumps across the back of her neck. "Do you know who I was thinking of while I fucked myself like that?"

"Don't lie to me," Triss begged, not needing Philippa to pretend she desired her that badly.

"I would never."

The sincerity in Philippa's voice startled Triss, and the image of Philippa got clearer in her mind as the other woman furiously fucked herself, sweating and panting and _wanting._ Her clothes were strewn across her bed, and the dark red men's doublet with silver embroidery looked awfully, awfully familiar.

"The night we had dinner," Triss gasped, her own hand frantically using Philippa's to masturbate as her chest began to flush a deep rose. "You… wanted to fuck me to teach me a lesson."

"I wanted to fuck you. End of sentence," Philippa corrected breathlessly, the images she was projecting into Triss' head along with the feeling of Triss pleasuring herself turning her on quite substantially. "I just needed to find a reason to justify it in my mind, and I was terribly disappointed when you didn't take the bait."

"And what are your reasons for… for justifying this now?" Triss gasped out between moans. She still needed to know. She needed to know what changed, and why now. She still barely understood why Philippa wanted her so badly. "I'm still… your apprentice."

Philippa chuckled softly, but it sounded kind of bittersweet. "Oh, pet. You are far, far more than that," she breathed before she took the lead, and pushed Triss right over the edge. She increased the pressure, the pace, and Triss had already been so close that she easily tumbled over without thinking twice about it, a desperate cry falling past her lips as she arched her back and curled her toes.

"Fuck, _fuck," _Triss panted as Philippa did not give her a chance to breathe, and finally, _finally_ slipped her fingers inside of her. Triss had barely registered that the other woman had even moved, or that she had stopped projecting her thoughts into hers when suddenly Philippa was on top of her, her lips colliding with Triss' as she kissed her with a fierce, unwavering hunger. Triss clutched at her desperately, spreading her legs as wide as they could do to invite Philippa to go into her harder, deeper. "Take me," she begged, her nails scraping helplessly against olive flesh. "Fuck me. I want to be yours."

– _You _are_ mine. –_

Triss half-wondered if Philippa even realized she was projecting her thoughts, or with their connection this open that Triss was accidentally wandering where she shouldn't be. Either way, Philippa did not say it out loud. Instead she kissed her harder, the thrusts of her hand making water spill out over the edge of the tub and onto the floor. The water was hindering them in multiple ways, as the force of Philippa's thrusts were having a hard time pushing back against the water. It was good, but it wasn't what either of them wanted, and so when they broke the kiss and Philippa told her to breathlessly, "Get out," Triss did as she was told without question.

They were dripping wet, nearly slipping on the floor, and yet Philippa wasted no time pushing Triss against her vanity. "Up," she instructed, and Triss climbed atop it, leaning her back against the mirror as she spread her legs on either side of the woman between them. Philippa pushed Triss' left leg up to let it rest on her shoulder as she slid her fingers back inside of her, twisting and pulling desperate groans from the woman beneath her. The coolness of the mirror contrasted against the heat of her back, and Triss' wet hair stuck to her cheeks and her shoulders as she allowed Philippa to completely destroy her.

Because she was, you know. She absolutely was destroying her for any other person, because already Triss couldn't imagine sex with anyone being this good.

Philippa's mouth had wrapped around one of her nipples and Triss cried out as she tangled her fingers in a mess of dark hair, realizing Philippa's braid was starting to fall apart. "Take it out," Triss begged breathlessly, realizing that she had never seen Philippa with her hair down before. Even though she requested that Philippa do it, Triss was the one who began to unbraid her hair in a messy, haphazard way as being fucked was absolutely destroying her coordination. She managed most of it on her own, but when Philippa finally detached herself from her chest she raised her head, shaking the rest out of hair. Although it was still half wet, it fell around her face, and Triss' breath left her.

"Oh wow," she whispered, not understanding how someone she _already_ saw as the most beautiful woman in the world could get any more gorgeous, and yet there she was. Philippa smiled at the genuine compliment before she leaned in and kissed her, the passion behind it becoming raw and desperate as she slid another finger inside of Triss, twisting and pulling out yet another trembling orgasm.

"Shit, _shit…_ wait…" Triss begged, knowing Philippa was going to just continue fucking her until she passed out if she didn't have a second to breathe, and considering she did _not_ want this to be all about her, she pushed her lover's hand away from her thighs and requested breathlessly, "—Bedroom."

Philippa chuckled, but nodded her acquiesce before she held out her hand, helping Triss off the vanity. She nearly slipped on a puddle of water but Philippa caught her, holding onto the younger woman's slim form as she guided her out of the washroom and across the hall to the master bedroom. Triss, knowing that if she didn't take control of the situation then Philippa was just going to continue to ravage her, did not waste a second before she pulled on her lover's hand, halting her a few paces in front of her bed. "Wait," she told her, and Philippa waited.

Triss dropped to her knees in front of her. She was _not_ Yennefer, and she _did_ want to reciprocate. She needed Philippa to know that.

"You don't have to be on your knees to pleasure me, pet."

Triss looked up at her, her beautiful wet form glinting under the soft light of the room, and she was certain she had never seen anything more divine. "Maybe I want to be," she softly retorted, allowing her fingernails to rake up olive thighs. Philippa shuddered, watching Triss' pupils dilate as she laid eyes on her prize. Philippa wasn't just wet from the bath, and now that she was close enough, Triss could smell how badly she wanted her. "Sometimes, Mistress, I enjoy being beneath you," she breathed, her words thick with desire. "Let me."

Triss gently touched her then, the soft mound of the other woman's pubic hair tickling her fingers. Her heart was beating in her throat as Triss was suddenly, acutely aware that she had never done this before, but she tried to push all of her fears about not being able to pleasure Philippa to the side because she was certain that Philippa wouldn't have any qualms with teaching her, should the need arise. She understood Triss wasn't going to be perfect, and while Triss _wished_ that she was, there was nothing she could do about it now and quite frankly… a part of her was very glad that Philippa held a lot of her firsts. It felt like it actually meant something.

Triss gently spread the other woman with her fingers before finally leaning in, taking the soft flesh into her mouth. Philippa groaned, her fingers weaving in a mess of chestnut hair as she encouraged her to stay just as she was. Triss wasn't certain how, but she was fairly certain that Philippa tasted much better than Keira had, although perhaps it was just because of how she felt about her. Even if Triss didn't like the taste she probably would have stayed down there regardless, because the honor of pleasuring Philippa Eilhart was unparalleled to anything she had ever felt before.

Triss tried to mimic what Keira had done to her during their brief affair, and allowed her tongue to gently flick against the other woman's clit. Philippa hissed in pleasure, the grip in her hair tightening. As that elicited a good reaction, that ended up being Triss' go to, until she began to realize that she actually got better results when she alternated her technique. The more Philippa praised her with shudders and moans, the more confident Triss got and began to throw herself entirely into it, her hands squeezing tight to the other woman's ass as her mouth completely covered the apex of Philippa's thighs.

She so desperately wanted to make Philippa feel how she had made _her_ feel. She wanted to hear her cry out, she wanted to see her tremble and pant. She wanted the woman to feel something because of Triss, and _only_ because of Triss.

"—Fuck," Philippa panted, getting a little unsteady on her feet. She pushed Triss away from her thighs momentarily. "I need to…" she began, but didn't finish her sentence. Instead she backed up until she was sitting on the edge of the bed, and Triss crawled towards her until she was between her thighs again. She licked a long line up her center and Philippa shuddered, leaning back on her elbows as she allowed her weight to rest against the bed. "Keep doing that," she instructed breathlessly. "But put your fingers inside of me."

Triss did as she was encouraged, and when she slipped two fingers into Philippa she felt the other woman tighten around them. It was easily one of the sexiest things Triss had ever felt and as she wrapped her mouth around the other woman's clit she twisted her fingers inside of her, loving the way Philippa would gasp and writhe beneath her. The woman's chest beginning to flush a deep rose as she began to grow closer to the precipice, and Triss wished they had done this earlier. Truth be told, this was all she wanted to do for the rest of her _life._ There was nothing more powerful than to make a woman like Philippa Eilhart come apart in her hands, and Triss was absolutely drunk on it.

Triss came up from between the other woman's thighs, replacing her mouth with her thumb as she continued to gently stimulate her. But she wanted to see the look on Philippa's face when she finally fell over the edge, and to that end she rose up on her knees, pressing her lips against the other woman's ear as she breathed in a seductive tone, "You'll come for me… won't you, Mistress?"

"—Mmphh, _fuck,"_ Philippa gasped out, the orgasm hitting her like a ton of bricks. Triss smiled deviously. Philippa's cheeks were flushed and her mouth was hanging open, tiny beads of sweat littering her forehead. Triss removed her hand from her thighs, allowing Philippa to collapse against her elbows as she struggled to breathe.

"You've turned that against me," she noted between labored breaths, and Triss' devious grin grew even wider.

"For awhile now," she admitted, because it the only time she used the title 'Mistress' anymore was either to seduce her or manipulate her. Triss had realized that Philippa _liked_ being called that and had begun to use it to her advantage. Philippa chuckled breathlessly.

"…Well done."

"Thank you," Triss responded, proud of herself. Trapping her bottom lip between her teeth, she finally stood, but it was only briefly before she swung her legs on either side of Philippa, straddling her lap. Placing her hand on her chest, Triss forced her lover's back against the bed as she towered over her. Philippa quirked a brow, seemingly amused by her little show of domination, yet allowed it. For now. "Sometimes, you are _surprisingly_ easy to read."

"Am I?" Philippa goaded, allowing Triss to take her wrists into her hands as she pinned them above her head. Triss murmured an affirmative before she rolled her hips, allowing her center to grind against Philippa's leg. Both women groaned. "Then tell me, pet… what am I thinking right now?"

Triss bit her bottom lip, making this big showing of feigning thought, but suddenly, _somehow_, Philippa managed to get enough leverage in order to quickly flip them over. Triss squealed in surprise as her back hit the bed, and suddenly she was pinned in a position very similar to what Philippa was not moment's ago. "…That's not fair," she complained.

"_Life _isn't fair, Triss, why should I be any different?"

Triss rolled her eyes, but Philippa had planned to let her go regardless and released her wrists. Instead of being on top of her she settled in on the side of her, still practically hovering over her, but in a way that was much more comfortable. She looked down at the woman beneath her and Triss pursed her lips at the expression on Philippa's face, feeling a warmth in her chest this time instead of at the base of her abdomen. Gentle fingers brushed an errant strand of hair from Triss' face, and though she said nothing, her expression spoke volumes.

"Can we stay here?" Triss asked softly, not ready for it to be over. Not ready for this to end when she felt as though it had barely begun, because this was only a one-time thing, wasn't it? Now that Philippa had had her, the appeal had most likely diminished. Triss was trying to prepare herself for that, but with the way Philippa was looking at her, it was hard for Triss not to want her to always look at her that way.

"You thought I was done with you?" Philippa asked, amusement playing at the edge of her lips.

"You aren't?"

"The night isn't over, pet," she reminded her and _oh, _she just wasn't done with her for tonight. That was… better. But…

But Triss had to stop obsessing. She had gotten what she wanted, hadn't she? She had Philippa, she _will_ have Philippa for an entire night. Isn't that enough? She shouldn't be greedy. And yet, in that moment, Triss could not feel anything but her own greed as she looked at Philippa and realized that now that she had her… she didn't want to let her go.

**TBC…**


	12. XII.

**XII.**

“I do hope you have a good reason for dragging me out of bed this early.”

Triss looked at her friend who was seated across from her. They were at a rather upscale inn right outside of Tretogor Palace and, alright, it might be a bit of an ungodly time in the morning, if Triss was being fair. Still, the younger woman gestured to her bowl of porridge with an innocent smile. “Breakfast?”

Yennefer’s expression leveled. She still had a bit of makeup on from last night, and the black that was smudged underneath her eyes made her look even more intimidating. Triss wrinkled her nose and dropped her spoon.

“Okay, so… I need to talk to you.”

“So I gathered,” Yennefer responded flatly, still thoroughly unamused with her beauty sleep being interrupted for a yet unknown reason. “And I’d thank you to do it _quickly_ so that I can perhaps get another few hours of sleep before I have to set off to Skellige.”

Triss’ brow wrinkled. “Why are you going to Skellige?”

“_Triss.”_

_“Fine,”_ Triss huffed, hating that Yennefer was making her _spit it out_ when this was… well, a lot. Emotionally. It was a hell of a fucking lot emotionally, so Triss just… ran. Literally. She called Yennefer and ran, because it just seemed easier than waiting for Philippa to wake up to find out that nothing had changed or, even more terrifying, that _everything_ had changed. “Philippa and I… slept together last night.”

Yennefer just stared at her as though she was expecting something bigger than that.

“For the first time!” Triss blurted out, trying to emphasize its importance. Finally, Yennefer looked surprised, although apparently only because she already believed them to be sharing a bed together.

“Really? I had assumed by the way you both were acting last night that you were already intimate.” But then Yennefer’s expression changed, and she began to look more perplexed than surprised. “She actually let you escort her to a banquet without having bedded you first? Interesting.”

“Interesting? Why interesting?” Triss asked, her heart fluttering in her chest. Good interesting? _Bad _interesting?

The corners of Yennefer’s mouth turned down into a frown. “I just never assumed she would be the type to purchase the cow without first tasting the milk, is all. Publicly showing you off like that last night was… a lot,” she revealed, and something twisted in the base of Triss’ gut. The way Yennefer said it didn’t exactly sound good. “She must really believe you’re going to do great things if she’s pissing a circle around you _this_ early.”

“Wait, what?” Triss asked, blinking at the crude imagery that was beginning to show her a very unfortunate picture of what might really be going on her life. She suddenly felt very ill. “You think she’s— do you think that’s all this is, that she’s trying to _control_ me because she thinks I’ll be powerful one day?”

Yennefer seemed to realize the mistake she had made, as Triss suddenly looked _devastated. _“No, of course not—” she tried, but the damage had already been done.

“But that’s who she _fucks_, right?” Triss asked, her octave rising. Some people stared, but Triss barely noticed. The amazing, wonderful night that she just had suddenly felt cheapened by the realization that it could have been nothing more than a way to manipulate her, and it… it _hurt._ “Powerful people? People who actually _matter_ and can do things for her? You know that’s why she left me last night, when that spy called her away and I went to find you, it was because of one of her stupid conquests _– _some wife of some bloody Duke, who apparently was overheard saying she wanted to leave her husband for Phil. But of course Philippa couldn’t have _that_, because if that woman wasn’t married to a duke, then what would be the use of her?”

Triss was beginning to grow more upset with each passing word, her chest heaving with emotion. “She had to _fix_ it. I didn’t ask how. I regretted having asked the question in the first place, because of _course_ I will never be the only one who shares her bed. And that’s— fine, I guess. I hate it, if I’m being honest, but I don’t have any real claim to her so she can do what she wants. I just thought that, maybe, she wanted to sleep with me because she _liked_ me and not because I could give her something, because I didn’t believe I had anything of worth to give. But I do, don’t I? I have potential, and she made me her apprentice so she could hone my abilities, leashed me so that she could use them how she saw fit, and then _bedded_ me to make certain she had my loyalty. How could I have been so _stupid?”_

“Triss, stop it. You’re making a scene. Get up,” Yennefer ordered, getting up from her own chair before she grabbed her friend’s arm, forcefully pulling her to her feet. It hurt, but Triss was so caught up in this newfound paranoia that she barely felt it. She just tried to hold back tears until Yennefer had at least dragged her to the room she was renting for the night, shutting the large oak door behind them.

Triss covered her face with her hands. Tears leaked out between her fingers, and Yennefer sighed softly. “You tried to warn me,” Triss breathed, her upset weighing heavy on her esophagus. “I’m sorry, I should have listened.”

“Triss, stop. You are assuming quite a lot right now and acting as though it’s gospel,” Yennefer lectured, trying to make her friend see some sense. “Might I remind you that you do not, in any way, know what Philippa’s motivations are for bedding you. I understand that your feelings for her, along with the fact that I am certain you are running on very little sleep right now, is making you emotional, but you need to calm down.”

“I am,” Triss moaned through her tears, knowing she sounded ridiculous but feeling helpless to stop it. “I do need sleep. I haven’t… slept at all, after we were finished. I just lied there thinking about how _happy_ I was and how _stupid_ that probably made me, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t. I thought I could emotionally handle sleeping with her no matter the outcome but as it turns out, I’m not as mature as I thought I was, and that… disappoints me in ways I don’t even know how to vocalize, honesty.”

It made her seem like the child everyone assumed her to be, and it made Triss feel very small. Yennefer looked at her friend, her brow creasing in sympathy, and Triss sighed softly as she leaned against the door.

“She looked at me like I _mattered,_ Yenna,” she told her softly, her voice strained with emotion. “She was thoughtful and patient and so, _so _good.” Triss groaned, a mixture of pleasure and the emotional pain it was causing her. She looked helplessly at her friend. “I don’t see how anything could ever compare.”

“I’m well-aware of how Philippa performs in that regard,” Yennefer responded, her tone a little bitter. “And, frankly, most things, most _people_… don’t.” A beat. “Do _not_ tell her I ever said that.”

“I won’t.”

Yennefer looked at her friend, the corners of her eyes crinkling before she reached out to wipe away what was left of Triss’ tears. “If you came here for advice, I don’t think I have any,” she admitted apologetically. “Even when I shared her bed, I didn’t know for certain whether she had an interest in me or my position. If it was not me, however, then she was _very_ good at making it seem as though it was. She was a very attentive lover and I see that hasn’t changed. I honestly wish I could assure you that what she feels for you in genuine, but I can’t. Her sexual history _is_ pretty damning in that regard, and everyone knows there are few lines she wouldn’t cross for power.”

Triss’ stomach sank. That was not the assurance that she wanted, but it was the truth that she needed. Her footsteps heavy, she lumbered over to Yennefer’s bed and sat down upon it, staring helplessly at the wall. Yennefer took a seat beside her, a comforting hand being placed atop of her friend’s knee.

“Perhaps it’s time to think about returning to Aretuza.”

Triss looked at her in surprise. “I can’t just… fuck her and _run,_ Yenna.” If Philippa _did_ have feelings for her, that would certainly end up hurting her. That was the last thing she wanted to do.

“I’m not suggesting you _run,_ but that you give yourself some space. You still have your thesis to present, after all, and should you do well then graduation is upon you. It might do you good to focus on something other than Philippa Eilhart for awhile, is all I’m saying.”

“Maybe,” Triss whispered, but did not feel good about it. She didn’t want to _leave_ Philippa, but maybe Yennefer was right. After all, she was getting so wrapped up in her that after what should have been the best night of her life, she immediately began to crash and burn. A crush was one thing, but an infatuation was not healthy, and not something that Triss wanted for herself. She was obsessing, over analyzing, and becoming paranoid. Maybe it was just due to her surge of emotions and lack of sleep, but either way, it wasn’t something Triss was keen on continuing to experience.

“It’s not something you need to decide right now,” Yennefer reminded her. “And I’m sure you’ll be able to think much clearer once you’ve had some rest, which you can do here, if you’d like. It isn’t as though I haven’t shared my bed with a woman before.”

Triss rolled her eyes, watching the edges of her friend’s lips quirk in amusement. Still, she was grateful for the offer. She didn’t think she could return to Philippa in this state, as she was certain she would do or say something she might regret. This was all so delicate, and Triss was terrified of fucking it up.

So she stayed, she slept, and when she woke up Triss looked up at the woman she was snuggled against and wondered if she hadn’t made an even larger mistake by staying there.

“You still look upset,” Yennefer noted sleepily, having woken up herself once she felt Triss stir. She actually looked kind of cute when she was waking up; she could only look at Triss with one eye and her hair was all disheveled around her face. Triss knew better than to say that out loud though, as Yennefer of Vengerberg prided herself on being sexy and intimidating, and this was very far from that.

“She has to be awake by now,” Triss responded softly, guilt weighing heavy in her chest. “She must have realized that I’m not there. Even if she _is_ just using me, that still has to hurt. Fuck. I’m such an _asshole.” _Triss covered her face with her hands and groaned, wishing that things were easier.

Now that she had a chance to rest she could think clearer and didn’t feel like she was spiraling anymore, but that _what if_ still hung in the back of Triss’ mind and loomed over her like a dark shadow. Triss didn’t want to automatically assume the worst, but there was still this small part of her that wondered if she would ever be good enough to be loved for who she was, and not what she could do for others. After all, it seemed like people only wanted to get to know her after she proved to be talented, or after she became beautiful. Even _Yennefer, _who was arguably her closest friend, did not give her a second glance until she made it to the top of her class.

“I wouldn’t concern yourself over it,” Yennefer told her as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and stretched. “If I know Philippa, and I _do,_ she will either pretend that she didn’t notice, or leave herself so that when you come back _you’ll_ be waiting on _her. _If you’re afraid of a confrontation, she won’t give you one; confrontations are proof that she cares, and she’d rather choke on her own tongue than admit that.”

“I’m not afraid of confrontation, I’m afraid of hurting her.”

“She won’t admit that you did that either.”

Triss sighed heavily and rolled on her side to face her friend. She didn’t look at her though, instead choosing to pick absentmindedly at the blanket beneath her. “Disappearing was an awful thing to do, and I can’t tell her _why_ without accusing her of being disingenuous and manipulative, which I do not want to do,” Triss told her softly. “You were right; I was assuming too much. And maybe it’s true but maybe it’s _not,_ and if it’s not and I accuse her of that, I’m going to ruin what may have been the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Triss laughed bitterly, the sound coming out hollow. “You know, when I first came to you this morning, my biggest fear was that things were going to change between Philippa and I, and despite how badly I wanted that to happen, I still didn’t feel ready for it. So I freaked out and ran, and then I talk to you and suddenly… suddenly it’s _worse._ It’s so much worse than I thought, and now I feel stupid for never having considered the possibility that it could all be bullshit.”

“…I’m sorry,” Yennefer responded softly, the corners of her mouth turning downward in guilt. She gently brushed the hair from Triss’ forehead, the line between her brows deepening. “I truly did not mean to ruin this for you. I know how it must seem as Philippa and I used to share a bed, but I would never do anything to impede your happiness, Triss. If anything, I fear far too much that she’s going to hurt you, and I do not want to see that. There’s a part of me that _already_ wants to kill her just for her reputation causing you this much distress and paranoia, and believe me when I tell you it is taking quite a lot of self control not to go over there right now and do just that. I’m so _angry,_ Triss. I’m angry at her, but I’m angry at myself most of all. You don’t deserve to feel like this, and I am very sorry that it’s my fault that you are.”

“No, Yenna… I needed to go into this with my eyes open,” Triss told her, gently covering her friend’s hand with her own. “I hope she’s genuine, but if she’s not, then I would rather be prepared. Being blindsided by it would be so much worse. So even though it hurt, I needed to hear it. I’ve spent too much of my life being naive and far too trusting. I need to start hardening myself, protecting myself.”

“I don’t want to be the cause of your pessimism, Triss. I have enough for the both of us already.”

“Everyone grows pessimistic with age,” Triss told her softly, turning to look out the window. She could see Montecalvo on the hill in the distance and she took a deep breath. “Maybe it’s just time I grew up.”

[x]

When Triss returned to Montecalvo, Philippa was not there.

Triss sat in the corner of the couch in the drawing room, her knees pulled in to her chest as she obsessively bit at her thumbnail, watching the clock in the corner of the room. It was a couple hours until Philippa finally returned, and when she did she casually addressed her as she strode into the room. “Satisfying the whims of the Duchess of Lyria always runs me so terribly late. I do hope the note I left alleviated any concerns you may have had.”

The bond between them seemed… different now, and Triss was unable to tell if Philippa was lying to her. Regardless of whether she was or not though, Triss was certain that the implication that she was off fucking another woman in her absence was meant to hurt her, and it did. “…You didn’t leave a note,” Triss responded softly, as she had looked all over the house earlier and saw nothing.

“Oh, perhaps I just forgot then.”

She breezed past her as she began stripping herself of her coat, and Triss nearly tumbled off the couch in her haste to follow her. Philippa barely glanced at her, and her wake was icy and distant. Triss couldn’t bear it.

“I’m _sorry.”_

“You know I’m not interested in your apologies, Triss,” Philippa responded frankly as she reentered the foyer and threw her coat onto the rack. Triss would have been impressed with her aim if she hadn’t already been so caught up in her guilt. “If it’s my respect you want, then make your choices and stand by them.”

“I panicked,” Triss admitted, hugging the threshold of the door as she looked at her lover with regret. “I don’t know why. Part of me was afraid it was just something casual, and that come morning nothing would change, yet another part was terrified that it might be something _more_ and that because I’ve never had something like that, I wouldn’t know what to do with it. That I’d fuck it up somehow.” A beat. “…Like it seems I already have.”

“And because of your inability to muster up some courage and plainly ask me how I viewed our night together, you fled into the arms of Yennefer of Vengerberg, because she has always solved everything for you, hasn’t she?”

Triss stared at her, her stomach dropping into her pelvis. “How do you know I was with her?”

“Does it matter?” Philippa countered, but Triss should have known better. Philippa was ridiculously well-informed, and had spies everywhere. It was why she was so powerful. “I am not upset that you left; you are not a prisoner here, and are free to do as you please. I’m just sorry I allowed someone so immature into my bed; I very much regret it now.”

_That_ hurt. Triss felt like her chest was being ripped open and her eyes filled with tears, but they weren’t just from loss and regret. Suddenly, Triss felt the need to protect herself with anger, and so she lashed out with, “Because _I’m_ the only one that’s immature, right? You didn’t just fuck, or pretend to fuck, another woman this morning just to spite me. You didn’t leave so that you could have your control back, and keep _me_ waiting on _you._ People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, Phil. If I’m immature, I’m not the only one.”

Philippa laughed. “Is _this_ what you want to do? Choose your next words carefully, pet.”

“Why not?” Triss asked, her chest heaving with emotion. “I’ve already fucked it up, so what do I have to lose? At least this way it won’t matter to me if you were only bedding me to control me, or grooming me for my power. At least this way I won’t feel used.”

“_Used?” _Philippa repeated, sounding awfully offended. “And what use are you to me, exactly? Do tell.”

Those words reminded Triss of her father and tears spilled from her eyes. Philippa, to her credit at least, looked as though she realized she might have been a little too cruel. But, true to her word, she never apologized; she stuck by her choices, the good and the bad. Triss wiped her eyes and looked away from her, taking a shuddered inhale of breath. Philippa was not her father, and she _was_ useful. She knew it, Philippa knew it, and she wasn’t going to let the ugly little girl inside of her ruin her self-esteem for the woman she had become.

“I’m sorry I crossed the line,” Triss finally breathed after a long period’s silence, unable to look at her. Now that she had allowed herself a moment to calm down, the anger she felt dissipated and she was left feeling empty and sad. “I should have respected your wishes not to sleep with your apprentices. I see why now you implemented such a rule. It’s my fault this has become so messy.”

“I make my own choices,” Philippa reminded her, owning her part of this. She, too, now had a regretful demeanor, her own anger having washed away in the wake of Triss’ tears. “Admittedly, I am human and sometimes make the wrong ones. You were right before; I do have a weakness for women.” She reached out then, wiping away the remnants of her apprentice’s sorrow off her cheeks. “Especially beautiful, talented ones who smile and laugh like they haven’t known the pain of a hundred lifetimes. But you will, Triss. One day, you will, because that is our fate as mages, and when that time comes you’ll find yourself drawn to the very same.”

Triss pursed her lips. “Is _that_ why you slept with me then? Because I’m too young to have really lived? Because I still find joy in life?” Either way, it still meant that Philippa used her _– _ just not for the reasons she originally believed.

“Your naivety is endearing and your smile infectious, but no, that is not why I slept with you.”

“Because you needed to secure my loyalty then,” Triss guessed, a slight waver in her voice. She hated saying this out loud, but she needed to know. “Because you believe I’m going to be someone, be _powerful _one day, and this was your chance to get on the ground floor of it; to mold me exactly into the kind of ally you needed?”

“This kind of pessimism sounds an _awful_ lot like Yennefer,” Philippa noted, her expression not leaving any indication as to whether or not the claims were true. Triss’ heart beat faster in her chest as she begged for it not to be.

“Answer the question,” Triss demanded. “Please.”

Philippa looked at her for a long time. “You want the truth?” she asked finally. The way she said that made Triss’ chest tighten with anxiety.

“Yes.”

“Of course I chose you as my apprentice because you are powerful,” Philippa admitted. “I would have been stupid to choose someone who _wasn’t. _And yes, I did plan to mold you in my image, as I will no doubt need you to do certain favors for me in the future, when you have more power and more pull. I very much hand-picked and created my perfect ally, because to be plain, there was an opportunity to do so, and I am not one to let such things pass me by. But you are not the only apprentice I have done this to, and it was _not_ the reason I slept with you because, quite frankly, I knew you’d eat out of the palm of my hand regardless of whether or not I allowed you a taste of what’s between my thighs. I already had your loyalty, Triss, and despite this minor setback, I _still _have it. If I’m wrong, then please, tell me so.”

But Triss couldn’t. She couldn’t even speak. So Yennefer was half-right, after all; Philippa was using her, but it had nothing to do with their sexual relationship. And Triss didn’t know if she was allowed to be angry, because why _wouldn’t_ Philippa use the apprenticeship to her advantage? Could she really fault her for that?

“I may sleep with people for information or to further my station, but you, at the moment, can give me neither of those things,” Philippa reminded her. “Regardless, I already had everything I wanted from you, so to answer your question, pet, I slept with you because at the time, I genuinely desired to. It was something I had wanted to do for quite awhile now.”

Triss felt _awful. _“…I’m sorry.”

“You always are.”

Philippa sounded tired of her and to be honest, Triss couldn’t blame her.

“I should return to Aretuza.”

It was the only solution that made sense, and Triss hated that. She didn’t want to leave, but they couldn’t stay like _this_ either. Whatever they had, they ruined it in a matter of a night. Triss regretted that deeply.

“Perhaps that’s for the best,” Philippa agreed softly, and Triss’ heart clenched in her chest. She had expected her to agree with her, but it still hurt regardless. “Your education should have been my first priority, yet it seems I’ve failed in that regard. You will fare much better at school, I assure you.”

Triss’ stomach twisted into knots. She hated how Philippa said that. “You’ve taught me more than I could have ever learned at that place,” she assured her softly. She took a step toward her, wanting to clasp onto her hand to reassure her that this wasn’t her mistake, but Triss was terrified to touch her, as she assumed it would not be welcomed. “This is not your fault. Please don’t think that it is.”

“It matters very little whose fault it was,” Philippa told her with a sigh, taking a step back to reestablish distance. “What’s done is done. I will not dissolve our apprenticeship nor our bond if you do not want to _– _ as I think making that kind of decision right now would be too hasty _– _but I believe it’s for the best that we do not see one another until after you graduate. Perhaps then things will have become clearer, and we’ll have a better idea of how to proceed.”

“With what?” Triss asked softly, a little afraid of the answer. “With my education… or with us?” But with the way Philippa was looking at her, Triss already knew the answer.

“There is no ‘us’, Triss,” she told her, her words harsh but her tone gentle. “I’m not saying this to be cruel. I merely refuse to be tied to anyone in that way. Sleeping with you was meant to be enjoyable, but casual. I have other lovers I need to attend to for a variety of reasons, and I will not give that up for anyone. That does not, in any way, mean that you are not ‘enough’, so do not take it that way. Some day you will be everything to somebody, but that person is not me. I’m sorry.”

It was the first time Triss had ever heard Philippa use those words, and her apology somehow cut her deeper as it held more finality than anything else she said. A tear slipped down the younger woman’s cheek that she quickly wiped away. She nodded. A part of her expected this, after all.

“I understand.”

Philippa looked at her for a long time before she finally exhaled a resigned breath and stepped toward her. Cupping the young sorceress’ face in her palm, she gently brushed away tears with her thumb before bringing Triss the rest of the way toward her for a soft kiss. Something in Triss broke and she sobbed against her lips, but Philippa continued to kiss her until she finally stopped crying, leaving Triss with her cheeks wet and her breathing uneven as she realized with vivid clarity that this might be the last time they ever did this.

Philippa stepped away from her, her hand dropping back to her side. “Maybe one day we can continue this, but only after the world has hardened you, Triss Merigold. I’d rather not be the cause of any more of your scars; I see I’ve left enough as it is.”

Triss’ bottom lip trembled, but she refused to let any more tears fall. As terrible and as hurtful as this was, she knew deep in her heart this was for the best. Their age difference had left them with very different views of the world and until Triss experienced more of it, they would never come close to being on the same page.

“I’ll miss you,” Triss breathed, because she _would. _She would miss her terribly, and Philippa’s smile was bittersweet as she returned the sentiment in the only way she knew how.

“I know, pet.”

**TBC…**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn’t really think I’d write a story without at least a _little_ bit of angst, right? Haha.


	13. XIII.

**XIII.**

“I’m not going to Skellige this afternoon, am I?”

Triss stood on the other side of Yennefer’s door at the inn, a bag of her things over her arm and tear stains on her cheeks. Yennefer sighed softly, but quickly ushered the younger woman inside. When the door closed behind her, Yennefer wrapped Triss up in her arms, allowing her to exhale her sorrow into the crook of her neck. Yennefer had never really been much of a hugger, but Triss was_, _and that was why she did it. She knew what her friend needed in that moment, and so Yennefer said nothing as she allowed Triss to fall apart in her arms.

“I did this to myself,” Triss murmured miserably, her tears leaking down the crook of her nose. “Why did I think I could have everything? I should have just suffered through my desire for her in silence; at least then I’d still be there. I wouldn’t have thrown out my education for a handful of _orgasms_.” The word came out as though she were disgusted with it, because that’s all they were, weren’t they? Just orgasms. Just _casual_ orgasms.

Triss felt like an idiot.

“_You_ didn’t throw away anything,” Yennefer told her seriously, stepping away from the woman in her arms momentarily so she could look her in the eyes. “Philippa would have had to have been blind to not to see how infatuated you were with her. She _knew_ this would hurt you. She did it anyway.”

Maybe. Triss didn’t want to put the entirety of the blame on Philippa because she had made her own terrible choices in turn, but perhaps the other woman should have been clearer _before_ they slept together that it would never really mean anything. Maybe it would have allowed Triss to be more guarded, and realize that she wasn’t ready for something like that just yet.

But then again, would the realization have even stopped her? Sometimes it was hard not to make bad choices when they looked that appealing, and Philippa had always been ridiculously, annoyingly appealing.

Yennefer pursed her lips into a thin line, but did not argue with her. “Tell me what happened,” she asked finally, sitting down in one of the armchairs in the room and inviting Triss to do the same. “In its entirety.”

So Triss did. She tried not to make the account too biased on her own behalf, but that wouldn’t have mattered anyway considering Yennefer was always going to take her side regardless. To her credit, Yennefer stayed silent throughout, and when Triss was finally finished she paused for a very long time before she spoke. “So she wants to continue sleeping with you, but only if it doesn’t come with the burden of your emotions? Terrible, even for her.”

“What?” Triss asked, surprised by the comment. Where was she getting that?

“Did you really not understand the implication of the world ‘hardening’ you? Once you’ve had a few dozen heartbreaks and stop viewing sex as something special, then it will be easier for her to pursue the kind of relationship she wants with you.”

_Oh._

“Maybe that’s what I need though,” Triss responded miserably. “A bleaker outlook on life. Then I’d be just like the rest of you.”

“Look at me,” Yennefer strongly encouraged, meeting her friend’s eyes. Her expression was deadly serious. “Don’t you _dare_ allow that light to go out inside of you. Not for her, not for anyone. You do not want to be like us, Triss, believe me. We are not happy. Why do you think Philippa refuses to get close to anyone? It’s not because her multitude of casual lovers are more important to her; it’s because she’s set in her miserable ways and has been for a very long time now. She doesn’t want to change, and at her age, I doubt she ever will. She’s just stopped bloody caring; about others, about herself.”

Triss didn’t know if that was exactly true. Philippa certainly _seemed_ like she cared about her at the time, although apparently not enough to have her stay. “And you?” Triss asked softly, her heart weighing heavy in her chest.

“Me? I was born tired of this world. Nothing has changed since and it’s been so long now that I’ve come to believe that nothing ever will,” Yennefer answered flippantly, like that wasn’t one of the saddest things Triss had ever heard. She felt sorry for all of them, honestly. Was _this_ her destiny? Was this the destiny of all mages? Because Triss didn’t want that.

“But you’re different, Triss. You smile and you mean it. You _feel _it. I haven’t seen that in a very long time. You have every reason to be just as miserable as the rest of us, yet you still shine bright. Don’t you _ever_ toss that aside for someone. If they are asking you to, then they really do not care much for you at all. Remember that.”

“She _does_ care,” Triss insisted. Philippa might have labeled it as ‘casual’, but there was still something there. It wasn’t just sex. There was more, but just not enough. Besides, if she didn’t care, why would Philippa have been so patient, so understanding and attentive? Why would she be careful to let her down easy, instead of just tossing her out the door? And why, _why, _if she did not care, did she make sure that Triss understood that her rejection of her didn’t mean that she wasn’t enough? Why did she care so much about Triss’ self esteem that she even went as far as actually _apologizing?_

“Not enough, she doesn’t.”

And that was the reality of it, really. Philippa might care, but in the end it wasn’t enough. Triss looked down at her hands, feeling rather helpless and alone. “Please don’t say anything to her if you see her,” she begged. “I don’t want to make this worse.”

“…I promise I won’t bring it up.”

Triss stared at her. She didn’t like the way Yennefer said that. It sounded… specific. “You think she’s going to say something to you, don’t you?” Triss realized, her stomach sinking in her gut. Why did they always have to be at each other’s throats? This was not at all conducive to the drama-free life she wanted to live.

“Of course she’s going to say something to me. She clearly did not like that I was the one you came to when you felt conflicted, and she no doubt blames me for encouraging her new toy to run away from her,” Yennefer answered plainly, although didn’t seem very perturbed about it. “As amicable as your parting was, I guarantee you that Philippa is angry that it had to happen and she will be looking for somewhere to place that blame. I am as good a target as any in that regard. Perhaps even better than most, as she’ll probably accuse me of doing it because of our own history.”

“She blames herself,” Triss told her, even though she hated that because they were both at fault for how things turned out between them. They both wanted this. They _both _were unable to control themselves.

“For now,” Yennefer responded knowingly. “Give it time. Anyone with eyes could see that she rather enjoyed you, and eventually she will begin to grow angry once she realizes she misses your company. I give it a week before I’m told I need to mind my own business.”

Triss’ stomach turned over in her gut. “You think she’ll miss me?” she sounded hopeful, and Yennefer shot her a look like she should know better than to feel that way.

“Yes, but not enough to ask you to return to her. And even if she does, I think you’re well-aware of your current incompatibility. Go back to school, Triss. Graduate. Become your own person, find out how good it feels to be in the forefront instead of the shadows. I’m sure that Philippa taught you a lot, but you don’t need her anymore. You’ve already grown so much and it was a good experience _– _at least up until the end. Now, it’s time to move on.”

Triss deflated. Philippa had opted not to officially dissolve their apprenticeship, but Yennefer seemed to think it was best that she move on to different things. Was she right? And if she was, then what did that mean for her and Philippa’s bond? She was still leashed to her. While Triss doubted that meant much now that they were separated – as a fair amount of distance seemed to sever the effects – what would happen once she saw her again? Because she would, someday. Even if it wasn’t right away, eventually their paths would cross again. It was inevitable.

And Triss had no idea what to do when that day came.

[x]

It took a very long time for Triss not to think about Philippa every day. Eventually though, like most things, her pain began to fade. She presented her thesis and was allotted an early graduation, her hard work paying off. The day of the Aretuza ball, where new sorceresses were set to meet the kings they would serve, Triss was greeted by her dearest friend who had come to congratulate her on her accomplishments. Yennefer found Triss the moment she entered the ballroom, and the young woman’s face lit up when she saw her, as it had been nearly a year. They had spoken often through megascope as Yennefer attended to this, that, and another thing around the Continent, but it had been so very long that they had seen one another in person, and Triss was immensely happy that she had come.

“An early ascension,” Yennefer noted, a prideful smile on her lips before she leaned in, gently kissing Triss’ cheek in greeting. “Impressive. You look well.”

Triss smiled, gently pushing her hair over to one shoulder. “I am,” she told her earnestly. The deep blue dress she wore was modest yet attractive, and a Temerian pendant hung just over her breasts. “You were right; returning here was for the best. I feel like I’ve finally accomplished what I set out to do.”

“And soon, you will accomplish so much more,” Yennefer told her fondly. Triss’ smile widened, appreciative of her friend’s words. “Where are they sending you?”

“I’m to serve King Foltest,” Triss revealed, happy with her placement despite some of the challenges she was sure it would bring her. “I suppose it just made sense, given that I am Temerian. I just hope he takes well to me. I hear he can be terribly stubborn, so I’m sure I’ll have my work cut out for me.”

“You’ll do well, I’m sure of it.”

Triss shot her an appreciative smile. “I’ll have to catch up with you later,” she apologized. “I must introduce myself. Tissaia is already giving me side-eye for lingering too long with you.” She could see the Rectoress by the doorway, her gaze nearly burning a hole into her image.

“Oh, it’s not just you,” Yennefer assured her, glancing over at Tissaia. “She’s always wary whenever I return here. She knows I despise this place.”

“You do?” Triss asked, surprised. Yennefer had never mentioned that before. She had to wonder why, but Triss also knew it wasn’t the time nor place for that kind of conversation. Still, she had to ask, “Then why do you always return?”

“At first it was out of misguided sense of duty. Eventually, however, it was merely to check up on you. Now that you won’t be residing here, I doubt I’ll be back for quite some time,” Yennefer told her honestly, and Triss nodded her understanding. She was appreciative though, that Yennefer would keep coming back just for her. She was like the sister she never had, and was immensely grateful for the woman in her life. She wasn’t certain what kind of person she would have turned out to be if not for her.

Triss left Yennefer’s side to introduce herself to the King of Temeria. He took well to her and they spoke of many things before he gave Tissaia his approval of Triss’ placement. The king was headstrong though, and Triss knew it would take finesse to guide him towards in the direction she needed. However, it was a challenge she willingly accepted as she felt confident that she could do so. Her time not only at Aretuza, but her education from Philippa and the guidance she received from Yennefer had taught Triss an awful lot about not just regular politics, but social politics, and as such, she knew how to play the game.

Eventually Triss left the king’s side to find her friend again. Yennefer smiled when she rejoined her, a glass of wine in her hand. “He approved?”

“Of course he did,” Triss responded with a small, prideful smirk. She never had a doubt her mind, and to be quite honest, that felt better than anything else. Perhaps she sounded arrogant, but she didn’t care. She had finally stopped second-guessing herself, and it felt_ good._ “I’m the best sorceress to come out of Aretuza for many years. He would have been foolish to reject my placement.”

Yennefer chuckled. “I’m glad to see you’re finally aware of your worth, but I will say that that kind of arrogance sounds reminiscent of your old mistress. The world does not need another Philippa Eilhart, believe me.”

Triss rolled her eyes, but inside her stomach did a little flip at the name of her former mentor. She had tried not to think about her today, but now that Yennefer had brought her up, Triss could not help but scan the room, wondering why Philippa hadn’t come. Not that Triss would have left with her even if Philippa offered, as she was content with the direction her life was going in, but Philippa said that they shouldn’t see one another until after she graduated, and this was it. She had graduated, so where was she?

“You were hoping she’d come,” Yennefer observed. Triss sighed softly, turning her gaze back to her friend.

“I don’t know what I was hoping for, honestly,” she answered as she took her own glass of wine from one of the servants. “Maybe it’s better she didn’t come. I wouldn’t have wanted to return with her. I’m eager to get back to Temeria and start the next chapter of my life, but I’m unsure if I could actually tell her that. When I returned here, all I could think of for so long was going back to Montecalvo. But things have changed, and I’m afraid that if I saw her, I would find that my feelings for her have not. I suppose I’d rather she not confuse me.” Triss took a sip of her wine, taking a moment to make certain that’s how she felt. She nodded then, as if reassuring herself. “Yeah. It’s better she didn’t come.”

Yennefer looked at her for a long time; perhaps assessing if she really believed that Triss was alright with Philippa not showing up. Eventually, she changed the subject. “How’s Keira?” she asked much too casually.

Triss side-eyed her, her gaze narrow. “What do you know of Keira Metz?”

“Only that she was your roommate here, and that time when I called and caught you with your shirt off she was in your bed behind you. I acted as though I didn’t notice to spare you the embarrassment, but I have to admit I’m curious about your rebound.”

“She’s not a _rebound,” _Triss responded exasperatedly. Yennefer shot her a pointed look, and Triss rolled her eyes. “She’s a distraction,” she finally admitted. “It’s not romantic. I needed to stop thinking about Philippa and she was there. It was easy.”

“It’s ongoing then?” Yennefer asked, intrigued. Maybe she was just surprised that Triss was able to actually hold a casual relationship when she couldn’t fathom doing so with Philippa, but Philippa was _different._ Keira was fun, but Philippa was… something more. Something better.

But that no longer mattered.

“I’m not the only sorceress going to Temeria,” Triss revealed, not sounding happy with it. She felt as though she should be enough, but more magic-users in Temeria’s court equaled more power, apparently. “King Foltest wants multiple mages on his royal council. Keira is to be one of them as well, along with a sorcerer I have yet to meet. Fercart, I believe his name was. So yes, it’s ongoing. Our placement with one another was convenient and we both have needs, so why not meet them with one another?”

Triss did not give Yennefer a moment to respond though. Instead, she turned the conversation around on her. “How’s _Geralt?”_

Yennefer narrowed her eyes and took a slow sip of her wine. “…He’s fine.”

“Oh, come on. You can ask about my sex life but I can’t inquire into yours? I’ll admit, I’ve always been curious how a witcher would be in bed. Is he an absolute _monster?”_ Triss asked, eager for the gossip. Yennefer, however, did _not_ gossip.

“Find one of your own to climb on top of if you’re so curious,” Yennefer told her, shutting down her friend’s efforts to pry. Triss sighed unhappily. Sometimes Yennefer wasn’t any fun.

“_Or _you could just invite me into the bed you share with him,” Triss suggested much too casually. A part of her wanted to shock Yennefer for her own entertainment, but another part of her was actually serious, because she honestly wouldn’t say no to such an offer. “I know you don’t reciprocate, but I wouldn’t be adverse to giving you something in return for letting him fuck me.”

Yennefer side-eyed her in amusement. “How many glasses of wine have you had?”

“Probably one too many,” Triss responded honestly, and Yennefer laughed. She didn’t take her seriously, and that was probably for the best, because fucking Yennefer was a _terrible_ idea. Triss had already let sex ruin a relationship she valued, and she should not do it again. Still, at least it gave them both a laugh.

The music was upbeat, the throngs of guests either dancing gleefully or filling their bellies with wine. Triss finished her own glass and set it down before she turned back to her friend and said, “You never told me if she blamed you.” Triss didn’t know why she just thought about that, but she was curious.

“Philippa?”

“Mm.”

“I told you she would, didn’t I?” Yennefer answered. Triss’ brow rose. If this confrontation had actually happened, then why didn’t Yennefer tell her about it? “She attended a mage gathering in Sodden a fortnight after your parting. After the meeting had concluded, she pulled me aside, told me in no uncertain terms that my ‘jealousy’ was both misplaced and pathetic, and that if I interfered with her personal life again I would not enjoy the consequences. I, in turn, told her that her selfish desire to want your spirit crushed just so she could fuck you without consequence was absolutely disgusting, she called me a _slew_ of colorful names I will not repeat, and that was the end of it.”

Triss winced. That… did not sound great. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because you didn’t need to hear it. Your wounds were still fresh, and hearing about Philippa would have only made it worse. I kept my silence to spare you.”

And she had, because Triss knew she was right; hearing about that, at the time, would have just confused and upset her. “…Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

A blonde woman who was much deeper into her wine than even Triss was approached them then, grabbing onto Triss’ hand. Her dress was cut down to just above her belly button, her breasts magically held together to give her ample cleavage. “Dance with me,” Keira demanded, not even bothering to acknowledge Yennefer. “I’m bored.”

“You’re always bored,” Triss countered, but Keira was pulling on her hand dramatically in her drunken state and Triss, knowing she’d reap the benefits later if she merely obliged her, turned to her friend. “I’m sorry. Give me a few minutes.”

“Don’t apologize. I’ve taken up enough of your time,” Yennefer told her understandingly. “Besides, I only meant to make an appearance, and now I’m behind schedule. I’ll be sure to visit you in Temeria soon though. Try to stay out of trouble until then.”

“I’m never in trouble,” Triss reminded her with a roll of her eyes. Yennefer smirked, her tone light and teasing as she watched Keira pull her friend away into the throng of dancing guests.

“Perhaps. But people change, Triss; you more than most. And at this point, you’ll find that very little surprises me.”

**TBC…**


	14. XIV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you are interested, I made a short, lazy YouTube playlist for this fic [that can be found here](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFCsc9DjYqXrPdTwhXNyY5t0dvv7S0dJ8). I originally meant to put way more effort into it than this but today I finally accepted the fact that I probably will never get around to it, so this is the best you get, haha.

**XIV.**

Triss’ mouth opened as she exhaled a silent scream, her breasts flushed and bouncing as she rode the phallus strapped to Keira’s hips. Her brow was littered with sweat, her chest heaving, and when she tensed and came she grasped onto the other woman’s abdomen, pitching forward and digging her nails into the blonde’s soft flesh. Keira hissed, but as she enjoyed a little pain with her fucking, did not reprimand her for it. Not that Triss would have listened anyway. She had already gotten what she wanted and so she rolled off of her, the sweat of her back sticking to Keira’s silken sheets as she struggled to breathe.

“He really got under your skin, didn’t he?” Keira noted in amusement, sliding the phallus off of her and tossing it to the side. This was more for Triss’ benefit than her own, but as Triss indulged her whenever she demanded it, Keira did not mind returning the favor. Triss hated being frustrated though, and had found that channeling her aggression in other ways did wonders for her sanity.

“How does he not get under yours?” Triss asked, speaking of the newest addition to the Temerian Royal Court. An archpriest, and one that was _very _plain about his dislike of mages _–_ female mages, in particular. “Willemer speaks to us like we’re incompetent and untrustworthy. I’m tired of it. It’s racist and misogynistic, and worst of all it’s rubbing off on Foltest. He barely listens to us anymore, even though we’ve been in his court longer. This needs to stop, otherwise you and I will find ourselves stripped of our position.”

“What do you propose?” Keira asked, rolling on her side to look at her colleague. Her brow quirked in excitement. “Treason?”

“We can’t get him _hanged, _Keira.”

“Why not?”

“Because I won’t be that kind of person,” Triss told her strongly. Although things had changed over the last few years, there were some lines Triss refused to cross. “I agree something needs to be done, but let’s scale it back a little.” Keira looked terribly disappointed by being told no, but she listened to Triss because, out of the two of them, they both knew that she was the level-headed one. When it came to enjoying themselves, the younger woman had no qualms following Keira’s lead, but otherwise it was Triss usually who led the charge.

Triss thought for a moment, then glanced over at the woman in bed with her. “You’re still bedding Ermellia?” she asked, curious. Keira nodded. “How devoted is she to you?”

“I’d say she’s eating out of the palm of my hand, but I tend to have her mouth busy elsewhere,” Keira responded, smirking. “Why?”

“Could you convince her to tell her husband that Willemer was making unwanted advances on her?” Triss quired, trying to think of a solution that was permanent, yet preferably less fatal than any of Keira’s suggestions. “Hereward and Foltest are close; should the duke get angry enough at the idea, he may just have Foltest throw the archpriest from court. That would solve our problem without any bloodshed at least.”

“I still stand by the fact that bloodshed is far more entertaining, but I’ll see what I can do. In the meantime, speaking of _pets,_ you need to toss the Prince of Kerack. His brother’s mage is getting suspicious, and we can’t have their King wondering what ours is up to. They’re meant to be allies.”

“Coral doesn’t know anything,” Triss dismissed, unconcerned.

“Either way, what information have you really gotten from him?” Keira countered, and Triss sighed heavily. She was right, which was unfortunate. That man _did_ know how to please, but that was never the point of him. As it turned out, he was less involved with King Belohun’s affairs than they would have hoped. “Besides, I have a suggestion you might find far more appealing.”

Triss’ gaze caught Keira’s, her interest piqued. “I overheard Foltest tell Bronibor that he is growing concerned over Redania’s growing army,” the blonde revealed. “If our plan to unseat Willemer fails, we will need a stronger reason for Foltest to keep us in his circle. Information about Redania’s sudden interest in military growth might just be the sway we need, and _you_ happen to have once been very close to someone who has always known the ins and outs of that kingdom.”

Triss stared at her, certain that Keira must have lost her mind. “_Please _don’t tell me you’re suggesting I bed Philippa Eilhart for information. Just— tell me you’re joking.”

“Why not? You’ve bedded her before, haven’t you?”

“A very long time ago!” Triss exclaimed, pushing herself to a seated position on her colleague’s bed. The mere mention of Philippa gave her anxiety, and it was strange, as their little affair had been so very long ago. For awhile, Triss hated that the other woman never returned to her after she ascended, but eventually that small paranoid feeling of unworthiness just turned to anger as Triss chose to be_ insulted_ by Philippa’s sudden lack of interest. She was a _damn_ good apprentice, and she was an even better mage now. In the end, Triss decided that Philippa wasn’t worthy of her talents anyway, and moved on. It had been years, and despite both of them being sorceresses, they had yet to run in the same circles. Triss was building a name for herself, but she was still nowhere near being invited to the kind of mage gatherings that Philippa was. Triss doubted the Brotherhood or the Council even knew her name.

“Besides, what we do is child’s play compared to Philippa,” Triss admitted, a little loathed to do so. She respected Philippa enough to admit that they were playing a game that the other woman practically invented. “There is no way I could seduce her enough that it blinds her to my true intentions.”

“You give yourself too little credit, Merigold. Besides, it’s not like you have anything better to do right now,” Keira told her, which was true. Until they got rid of Willemer, it wasn’t like her voice was getting heard _here_. Still, this felt like a suicide mission, and Triss did not like that feeling. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

The younger woman side-eyed her exasperatedly. “Philippa could catch on, inform Vizimir that Foltest is sending spies, war breaks out between Temeria and Redania, we die,” Triss listed off on her fingers. Keira rolled her eyes.

“Don’t be dramatic.”

“I’m being entirely serious.”

“You honestly think your former mentor would expose you as a spy? Vizimir would have your head on his floor the second he heard a mere _rumor_ of it; you really think she’d orchestrate that? That Philippa could actually have a hand in your death?”

Well, now that she put it that way… no. However, again, it had been a very long time since they had seen one another. “I don’t know who she is anymore,” Triss answered, conflicted. She didn’t know if a part of her could ever accept that Philippa had it in her to do such a thing, but she also didn’t want to be blinded by her again either. “And she_ certainly_ does not know who I am.”

“Exactly, so use it to your advantage. Be that giggling, bubbly schoolgirl that she enjoyed corrupting, and she won’t ever suspect a thing.”

Triss shot her a disgusted look. “That was in _no_ way what our affair was like, but I do get your point. Admittedly, I did fawn over her, although _not_ in an innocent, unsuspecting way that she took advantage of because that is _gross, _Keira.”

The blonde just snickered. Triss ignored her though, chewing on her thumbnail in anxiety. “I can’t go to Redania,” she said finally, turning the scenario over in her mind. “Vizimir never trusted me because I was Temerian, and he will trust me even _less_ now that I’m in Foltest’s court. If I do this, it needs to be on neutral ground.”

This was… _madness,_ honestly, but the longer Triss thought about it, the more she felt the need to prove to Philippa how _stupid_ she was to toss her aside. She wanted her to regret it. What better way to do that then for the student to become the master?

“Yennefer is on the Council,” Keira reminded her, beginning to look excited now that Triss was considering her idea. She always enjoyed playing with fire. “Have her bring you to one of their gatherings.”

“Yennefer will _kill_ _me_ if she knows what I’m planning.”

“So lie,” Keira responded flippantly. “Tell her you wish to one day join the Council, and need to be seen as having the potential to do so, even if you’re aware they might not choose you for a very long time. Yennefer has always supported furthering your efforts, hasn’t she?”

She had. But the problem was that Yennefer knew her better than anyone, and the second Triss told her that she wished to accompany her, she would know something was up. She had always seen through her, and true to her suspicions, that was exactly what happened.

“You’re lying to me.”

Triss immediately got flustered. Yennefer’s image in the megascope looked at her sternly, and Triss pursed her lips in guilt. She did hate lying to her. It felt disrespectful, given everything Yennefer had done for her. “Fine. What if I told you I just wished to see Philippa again?” That, at least, was closer to the truth.

“I’d tell you that you’re an idiot, and remind you that you’re supposed to be moving forwards, not backwards.”

“It’s not what you think,” Triss assured her, not wanting Yennefer to think that she was still hung up on Philippa Eilhart. It had been years, and she wasn’t _that_ pathetic. “I don’t want her back. I promise.”

“No, you just want to show her how far you’ve come and what she’s been missing, because hanging that over her will give you some cheap thrill,” Yennefer accused, and Triss’ face soured. That was, to some degree, part of it, but she didn’t have to call her out like that. It made her feel petty. “Don’t allow your bitterness to make you foolish, Triss.”

“I’m _not_ bitter.”

She was absolutely a little bitter, but that was beside the point.

“Please, Yenna. This is important to me.”

“Why?” Yennefer pressed, just _knowing_ there was more to it. For a long time, Triss loved that Yennefer had always known her better than any other. Now, however, that knowledge was in no way working in her favor. Triss pursed her lips, refusing to tell her the truth of it yet not wanting to lie, but in the end it didn’t matter, as Yennefer had always had an uncanny way of seeing right through her.

The older woman’s eyes widened in realization. “Oh, you _are_ an idiot.”

“Yenna—”

“Have you lost you _mind?” _Yennefer snapped and, alright, perhaps she had, but Triss needed to give Foltest a reason to keep her in his Council. She was desperate. “Get your information about Redania through someone else. Your social finesse may have improved over the years, but Philippa will tear you _apart _when it comes to espionage_.”_

Well. That was in no way comforting.

“I have to try,” Triss told her strongly, needing Yennefer to realize the extent of her situation. “Foltest’s Council has grown, and among his trusted is an archpriest who despises mages. If I don’t do something, Keira and I will be out of his court and I will _not_ let the last few years of my life be for nothing! I damn well deserve to have a place here and if I have to do something drastic to defend it, then so be it. Foltest is concerned about Redania’s growing army; if I bring him back information regarding their plans for it, I’m still useful. I _need_ this, Yenna.”

“What you_ need_ is to get your information through someone else.”

“Who?” Triss countered, angry and exasperated. “I don’t have time to build up a relationship with anyone else and even if I did, Philippa would suspect something and see an end to it. Don’t forget who taught me that this was an effective way to get information from people; she’d see right through my affair with anyone predominant in the Redanian court.”

“And yet you believe she’d be blind to you trying to manipulate _her,” _Yennefer countered, equally exasperated. “Philippa is not stupid, Triss. If you do this, she will eat you alive.”

“I know she’s not stupid, but I also know her weaknesses and can play to them. I have the advantage here.”

“And what of your bond with her?” Yennefer countered, reminding Triss that she wasn’t as independent in this as she’d like. “She never dissolved your leashing. You may be able to lie, but she could end up feeling the truth of your intentions if you’re not careful.”

“Then I’ll _be_ careful. Please, Yenna, you have to trust me. I can do this.”

Yennefer pursed her lips, staring at her friend’s image through the megascope. Triss begged her with her eyes, and finally the older woman sighed heavily. “This is going to blow up in your face,” Yennefer told her. Despite how bad of an idea she believed this was, she was still resigned to help Triss keep her station, as she was aware how important Triss’ placement in Temeria’s court was to her. “Do not say that I didn’t warn you.”

“I appreciate your confidence in me.”

Yennefer exhaled another resigned sigh, and Triss’ stomach tightened in anticipation. She was going to do this. Yennefer might not think she could, but Triss knew herself, and she knew what she was capable of. _She was going to do this._

[x]

“I was thinking of something a little more _formal_ than a birthday banquet.”

“You are lucky I’m bringing you in the first place,” Yennefer told her, still wary about Triss’ plan as they entered the Oxenfurt banquet hall. Her arm was linked with her friend’s, and their contrasting black and red outfits complimented one another quite nicely. “Besides, you are not a member of the Council. I can’t just bring you to one of our meetings. This is casual enough for me to bring a date, and Philippa had always respected Radcliffe, which is why I’m certain that she’ll attend. Be grateful for what you are getting and stop complaining.”

“I _am,”_ Triss insisted. She just had a different scenario in her mind, and now she had to adjust her plan of action. She side-eyed Yennefer as they approached the man of the hour, a small smirk gracing the corners of her lips. “Your _date_,” she teased in a low tone. “Philippa is going to _love _that.”

“And that is exactly why I am presenting you as such. You’re _welcome.” _

“Radcliffe,” Yennefer greeted once they found the mage near the minstrels. As with most mages he looked very young despite this being his two hundredth birthday, and Triss found him to be incredibly attractive. “I’d like for you to meet my date, Triss Merigold of Maribor.”

“One of Foltest’s mages,” Radcliffe noted, and Triss inclined her head in acknowledgment. “I’ve heard good things. It’s a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance.”

Triss was surprised he had heard of her and turned to Yennefer, wondering if that was her doing. Yennefer did not acknowledge her silent question though, and the three were caught up in a brief bout of small talk.

It did not take long for Triss to feel the shift in the air. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up, a small shiver of anticipation washing over her as she had no doubt in her mind who was staring at her. She could _feel_ her. It had been so very long, but their bond seemed to have lasted. Philippa seemed to realize that rather quickly, and as soon as Triss felt her presence it was ripped away from her, no doubt due to Philippa warding herself. After they had parted, Triss had spent some time researching how to do that herself as empathetic telepathy was becoming more talked about, and more practiced. Triss did not want to find herself at a disadvantage and so found a way to protect herself. It seemed Philippa had done the same.

“She’s here,” Triss told her friend in a hushed tone as they parted from Radcliffe, seeking out a wine servant. One passed by momentarily and both women grabbed a glass. To her credit, Yennefer did not turn around and start looking for Philippa through the small crowd of guests, and instead casually took a sip of her wine before she relinked arms with her friend, pulling her closer.

“You have a plan, I assume.”

“Yes, and it largely centers around ignoring her.”

Yennefer side-eyed her.

“Keira suggested I pretend to be the woman I once was, as she believed that Philippa would assume I was still incapable of such deceit should I act naive, but Philippa didn’t _want_ me naive,” Triss reminded her softly, careful to make sure that they were not being overheard. ” She wanted me to come back to her ‘hardened’, so hardened I will be. If I don’t fawn all over her, or act as though I want her back, she’s more likely to find bedding me a challenge, and she could never resist a good one.”

“If you say so.”

Triss tried very hard to not roll her eyes at that. “Can you just, for _once,_ act supportive?”

“My act of support was bringing you here, but that is where it ends. I still think this is foolish, but it’s your life, and I’d rather Philippa be the one to teach you a little humility than find that you attempted this with the wrong person, and got yourself _killed.”_

Triss scoffed. “Right, because Philippa is so humble.” Triss could think of a hundred other words to describe the Sorceress of Tretogor, but _humble _was certainly not one them. If anything, she was quite the opposite.

“She doesn’t have to be, because she has the experience and talent to back up her never-ending wave of arrogance. You, on the other hand, may be powerful but are still very young. You need to learn your limits,” Yennefer told her plainly. “So go. Learn them. I’ll be here when you come back defeated, and perhaps that will teach you to listen to me next time.”

Triss exhaled a hard breath. She leaned down, gently placing her lips against her friend’s cheek. “You are so entirely frustrating at times,” she breathed, and she could feel Yennefer’s lips quirk in amusement.

“Likewise.”

Triss pulled away from her, allowing their fingers to stay linked for a long moment before Triss went off to mingle. While she was here, and while she was actively ignoring Philippa, it wouldn’t hurt to make connections. She still had her future to think about, after all.

Philippa made a point to never approach her, but Triss could feel the other woman’s eyes on her from time to time. Triss made certain their gaze never connected however, and continued introducing herself to the right people in between spending time with Yennefer. Whenever she was with her friend she always made sure she was touching her. Even if it wasn’t blatant, she wanted Philippa to think that there might be something between them, as she was sure that would irritate her on multiple levels. One, because she had never liked Triss’ attachment to Yennefer, and two, because if Yennefer _did_ start dating a woman, that would imply she was finally reciprocating in bed, and Philippa would_ not _be pleased to realize Yennefer had chosen someone else to do that with when their own relationship fell to pieces for that very reason.

In short, Philippa’s ego had the potential to be her downfall, and Triss wanted to capitalize on that.

The evening dragged onward, and only when it was nearing a close did Philippa break their stalemate. To be honest, it took every ounce of willpower that Triss had not to do it herself, as a part of her was afraid she’d leave there without ever having talked to Philippa at all, but just as she was about to cave Triss found that she didn’t have to after all, as Philippa finally approached her.

“King Foltest’s finest,” she greeted, allowing her gaze to linger a little too long as she drank her up with her eyes. Triss was standing by herself near the banquet table, everyone already having picked it nearly clean. Triss placed the slice of bread she was about to eat back down, turning to face her former mentor. Her stomach rolled over in her gut when she laid eyes on her. She had almost forgotten how beautiful Philippa was up close. “You look well, Triss.”

“As do you. It’s been a long time.”

Triss did _not_ want that to come out sounding bitter, yet some of her emotion slipped between her words regardless. Maybe Yennefer was right, maybe she _couldn’t _do this. She had been conversing with Philippa for all of five seconds, and already she was revealing more than she would have liked.

“It was for the best,” Philippa told her in lieu of an apology, but the corners of her eyes crinkled in recognition of the pain she caused the other woman. “But look at you now,” she continued, sounding proud. Triss hated it. She didn’t want Philippa taking credit for the things that _she_ had accomplished, even though it may have been the other woman who had taught her most of what she knew. “You’ve become quite the sorceress, Triss Merigold. People are beginning to know your name.”

“For good reason,” Triss responded, not much caring how arrogant that sounded. Regardless, her answer seemed to amuse Philippa. Her lips quirked. Most people were beginning to leave the party, drunk or tired or both, and Triss wished she had adjusted her plan and approached the other woman sooner. Now she might not even have time to accomplish what she set out to do, and she was internally kicking herself for it.

“I’m surprised to see you here,” Philippa noted after taking a sip of her wine. “I wasn’t aware you knew Radcliffe.”

“I don’t. I’m Yennefer’s date for the evening.”

Philippa’s brow quirked. Triss knew that would bother her, and she was not wrong about that. “How terribly unfulfilling that must be for you.”

Triss chuckled. “You’d be surprised how things can change,” she answered noncommittally. She couldn’t tell how Philippa felt about that due to her wards and the fact that the other woman had trained herself never to show emotion on her face, but if Triss didn’t know better, she would say that Philippa’s eyes had clouded over. Maybe Triss was better at this than she thought.

“As lovely as this reunion was, it seems our night is coming to a close,” Triss reminded her, trying to sound regrettable, yet ultimately rather dismissive. It was a delicate balance she had yet to master. “However, now that our paths have finally crossed again, I need to ask a favor of you.”

Philippa’s brow rose, her interest piqued.

“Remove the leash around my neck,” Triss requested. She didn’t want Philippa to leave without an excuse to see her again and besides, she was certain their bond would not work in her favor when the time came for her to actually finesse her way back into Philippa’s bed. She was already at enough of a disadvantage. “Keeping wards up is exhausting and I know neither of us want to remove them now that the trust is gone. Besides, I’m sure you aren’t fond of having a weakness in the form of a mage in a neighboring kingdom, and neither am I. I am no longer your apprentice, Philippa. I want to be set free.”

Philippa did not give any indication about what she was thinking. She just looked at her for a long time before she finally spoke. “If that is what you wish, pet.” Triss’ expression darkened at the nickname that she had not heard for a very long time, but she said nothing. “I will need a few days to prepare. I trust you will have no qualms with my contacting you when I do?”

“Send a raven. I hate when people drop in through my megascope unannounced,” Triss responded, trying to keep some control over the situation. Philippa looked a little amused by her demand, yet acknowledged it with a nod.

“I’ll be in touch then,” Philippa told her, still looking at Triss like she was very intrigued by this new version of the woman she once knew. Triss, in turn, tried to look _disinterested, _but the way Philippa was looking at her was reminding her of the past and it was… _doing_ stuff to her. Honestly, Triss hated how the other woman could just be effortlessly attractive; it wasn’t fair. “If you aren’t opposed, I’d like an evening to… _catch up. _As you said, it has been a terribly long time; I’d like to hear how you’re faring on your own.”

“If I have time, perhaps. Unfortunately, I’ve been kept awfully busy these days. I’ll let you know.”

It was meant to sound dismissive, yet her words seemed to only amuse Philippa and it frustrated Triss so badly that she wanted to scream. Philippa knew she was being intentionally dismissive, although she probably believed it was because Triss was afraid to let her get close to her again. It was in fact the opposite and was meant to draw Philippa in, but still, it did not feel good that the woman could already somewhat see through her.

Philippa leaned in then, gently kissing the younger woman’s cheek in parting. The gesture bothered Triss because it wasn’t as though Philippa had the right to do that anymore, but as she didn’t want Philippa knowing that she actually cared, she allowed her to do so. “You were my best apprentice, pet,” Philippa breathed against her skin, and Triss involuntarily shivered at the sound of the voice. Every time Philippa dropped to a lower octave, she sounded so terribly sexy. “I’m very proud of you.”

Triss couldn’t help herself. “So is Yennefer, and at least she stuck around.” She stepped away from her then, internally kicking herself for showing how bitter she truly was. But what was done was done, and she couldn’t take the words back.

“We live for a very long time, Triss. When you’re older, our parting will seem like the blink of an eye, but I’m here now. Is that not what’s important?”

“You didn’t come back for me, Phil. You just happened to end up in the same place I am. That is not the same thing,” Triss reminded her, trying not to allow her emotions to get the best of her, but finding it difficult. She took another step backwards, needing to establish distance, because she wasn’t ready for this. She wasn’t ready for this at _all. _

“Sever our bond,” Triss demanded, a sudden, desperate need to be rid of Philippa clutching her chest. “Do not contact me for anything other than that, because I will not answer. You have a fortnight.”

And that was how Triss left the woman she once called her mentor, her heart beating erratically in her chest before she did what she had always done, and fled back to Yennefer’s arms. She should have listened to her. Now, Triss had no idea whether she had just started something she was unable to finish, and that felt worse than the possibility of being driven from Temeria’s court because this time, the fault lied entirely within her own hands.

Maybe she really was an idiot, but it didn’t matter. Now, all Triss could do was trying to make the best of her mistake, and hope that in the end, Philippa didn’t come back to bite her.

**TBC…**


	15. XV.

**XV.**

It was only a few days until Philippa contacted her.

They agreed to meet in an inn on the border of Aedirn, as it was neutral territory. Philippa arrived before Triss despite agreeing to meet at half-past noon, and Triss attempting to be early so that she could have more control over their reunion. Philippa, however, apparently felt the same, and as the innkeeper was directing Triss to the room that Philippa had chosen, the younger woman swallowed down her nerves, stood up straighter, and internally coached herself to keep it together. She had let her emotions get the best of her the last time they met, and she wouldn’t allow it to happen again.

Triss had a job to do, and she damn well was going to do it.

Triss’ knock sounded demanding, which was infinitely better than being timid and nervous. When Philippa opened the door she was wearing a casual red and gold dress that reached her ankles, and while the other woman wearing a dress wasn’t new by any means, she knew Philippa had always worn men’s clothing when she needed to feel powerful. The dress showed a level of comfort that Triss wished she had herself, but instead she wore something low-cut and tight, relying more on her breasts than her wits to get the job done. Suddenly, she felt a little pathetic.

As soon as the negative thought passed her mind, Triss pushed it aside. Philippa enjoyed her breasts (or breasts in general, if they’re being honest), so there was nothing wrong with using what she had at her disposal. Triss needed to remember that just because she might need a little extra help getting somewhere, it was her _results_ that mattered, not its execution.

“How long will this take?” Triss asked in lieu of a greeting as she stepped into the room. Philippa closed the door, latching it behind her before she cast a protection enchantment. No doubt this spell would make them both vulnerable for a little while, and their safety during that time was paramount. Philippa was the type to not care about pissing off powerful people, and Triss wouldn’t be surprised if she regularly had assassins after her. That was the last thing she wanted to get caught up in.

“Not long.”

Philippa came up behind Triss and took her cloak, her touch lingering just a little too long as she slid it off of her shoulders. The younger woman pursed her lips. “I’m sorry for how I acted the other day,” Triss told her, knowing her own bitterness was not conductive to the goal she had set out to accomplish. Triss wanted Philippa to chase her, but there was only so many times you can push someone away until they don’t come back, and Triss didn’t want to keep pulling at that thread in fear that it might snap. She turned to look at her former mentor, her brow creasing in regret. “I thought I had moved past feeling abandoned, but as I never had proper closure that feeling seems to have lingered. I shouldn’t have been short with you; that was rude.”

“I see no amount of persuading you otherwise is ever going to make you stop apologizing for things you shouldn’t, but perhaps it was foolish to think I could remake you _entirely_ in my image,” Philippa responded, her lips briefly quirking upwards. “You are allowed to have emotions, Triss. But if it means that much to you, then your apology is accepted.”

Triss inclined her head in gratitude, giving Philippa a small smile.

“Come,” Philippa encouraged, taking the other woman’s hand in her own as she led her to the center of the room. “It will be best if we do this on the floor.” She let go of Triss’ hand then and knelt down, Triss following her lead so that they were facing one another. “I will admit that I’m disappointed though,” Philippa told her, her words lingering in the air to make Triss hang on them in curiosity. “I had hoped once we crossed paths again that we could resume our work together. We are much more powerful bound together than we are alone.”

“I don’t need a mentor anymore, Philippa.”

“I’m not suggesting you resume your apprenticeship; I can see you have moved far past that. I was merely offering a… _collaboration,_ of sorts. Of course, if you wish to be free of me, then I will oblige. I would never keep you leashed against your will,” Philippa told her as she grasped the dimeritium cuff that lay on the ground next to her. Triss reacted without much though, and reached out to still the other woman’s hand. Philippa glanced up at her, an expectant look on her face as her brow rose.

“Why didn’t you offer this a few days ago? You’re not exactly giving me time to think it over.”

“Because you seemed rather desperate to be rid of me at the time, and I doubted my proposition would have been received well.”

Well, that was probably true. Triss pursed her lips and pulled her hand away, feeling conflicted. On one hand, their bond was a weakness. However it was a _shared_ weakness, and one Triss could capitalize on should she only find a way to keep her own secrets locked up tight in the process. Being bonded to Philippa and “collaborating” also gave her a reason to be around the other woman, which would be useful in getting information just in case Philippa did not want to sleep with her again. Still, Triss felt wary. Quite frankly—

“You don’t trust me,” Philippa guessed, seeing the look on the other woman’s face.

Yes, _that._

“I don’t know you,” Triss corrected, not wanting her mistrust of her to feel too harsh. “And you no longer know me. Things have changed, Phil. We advise separate kings in separate kingdoms. There’s a conflict there that I’m not sure is wise to ignore.”

“Then perhaps we should spend some time getting to know one another again,” Philippa suggested. Triss looked up at her, catching the other woman’s gaze. The way Philippa looked at her made her insides clench, but Triss was careful not to allow her anticipation show on her face. “To help get the trust back, of course.”

Triss looked at her like she had to be joking. The whole point of coming here may have been to bed her, but she was going to make Philippa work harder than _that. _“You can’t honestly think I’m that easy.”

Philippa burst out laughing. “No, pet. I would never presume such a thing.” She got to her feet then, holding out her hand in offering for Triss to join her. “However, a drink seems as good a start as any, wouldn’t you say?”

Triss glanced at her hand. She wasn’t at all sure she was making the right choice, but it took little thought before she took Philippa’s hand, allowing the other woman to help her to her feet and to treat her to a drink. After all, what could one beverage hurt?

[x]

“That is absolutely _disgusting.”_

Triss’ empty glass hit the bar top, her expression one of horror at what she had just tasted. She looked at Philippa who was smirking around her glass, _sipping_ the damned thing like it was water. “How you can you honestly enjoy this? It tastes like… tar. Death. Tar and death. Specifically in that order.”

Philippa’s smirk widened, amused at Triss’ aversion to what she called her favorite Aedirnian whiskey. She was leaning against the corner of the bar and the wall, the casual way she was sitting looking so goddamn attractive for absolutely no reason other than the fact that it was _Philippa_ doing it. “It’s an acquired taste.”

“I’m sure it is. Once you're old enough and your taste buds _die._ Ugh,” Triss groaned, waving the innkeeper over. She needed to get that horrible taste out of her mouth. “Just some ale will do fine, thank you. I’m through being adventurous this evening.”

“Oh, somehow I very much doubt _that._”

Triss placed her tongue over her back molars in exasperated amusement. “Who do you think I am, exactly?” she queried as the innkeep brought her a pint. “Because if you were expecting to drink with the desperate, naive girl from Aretuza, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. I’m not going to swoon and spread my legs for you the second you show interest, Phil. Try to work a little harder than that. Maybe then I’ll respect your efforts and reward you.”

“You’ll _reward_ me?” Philippa repeated, laughing at the other woman’s audacity. She seemed to enjoy it though. “I get it, pet. You’ve changed. There’s no need to go overboard.”

“Is this not what you wanted?” Triss countered after taking a sip of her ale, leaning back in her chair as she stared at her companion. “Last I heard, my emotions were burdensome to you. Well congratulations, I no longer have any. Unfortunately, that puts you at a disadvantage because what made you _special_, Philippa, was how I felt about you. If you strip that away, all you can offer me is sex, and I have enough lovers already to attend to that need. Why do I need you?”

“Because you could have a hundred lovers over a hundred lifetimes, Triss, and not _one_ of them could come close to making you feel how I make you feel,” Philippa responded, not cutting any corners. She maintained eye-contact with her, not a hint of uncertainty in gaze. She truly believed what she was saying.

Triss did too.

Regardless, she wasn’t going to let her know that. Instead, Triss exhaled an exasperated laugh. “You’re certainly cocky.”

“I’m certainly _correct_.” Philippa placed her glass down on the table with a thump against the wood. She leaned in a little closer. “You may have your wards up, but you have yet to learn how to control your expressions. I can see in your eyes that I’m right, but you may lie to me if it makes you feel more in control.”

“You want the truth?” Triss countered, shifting in her seat to better face her. She leaned in as well, beginning to get antagonistic. She honestly did hate how Philippa just _knew_ things. “Yes, to this day you are still the best lover I have ever had, but you’re an idiot if you think bedding me again is going to get the trust back between us. Fucking me is what broke it in the first place.”

“No, pet. What broke it was your selfish desire for more, when you should have been satisfied with what you were given.”

Triss stared at her in disbelief. That… that fucking _hurt. _She slammed her mug down and got up. “—I’m leaving.”

That, apparently, was not what Philippa wanted, as she immediately got up herself. “Triss,” she called out, but Triss did not stop moving towards the door. She was not going to just sit there and be blamed for her own heartbreak; she had done enough of that herself after it had happened, and she didn’t deserve to feel that way anymore.

“Fuck you, Philippa.”

Philippa grabbed her hand, stilling her movements. Triss was about to whip around and shout at her, but Philippa pulled her down the hall, back toward the room she had rented. Apparently she wished not to do this in public and, _fine,_ Triss could yell at her in private if she wanted. It would probably be cathartic anyhow.

When the door closed, Triss didn’t even have a chance to open her mouth before Philippa quickly told her, “It was all I had.”

“_What?”_

“What I _gave _you, Triss,” she explained, looking frustrated beyond belief. No doubt because she had to talk about those feelings she liked to pretend she didn’t have. “Maybe it wasn’t enough, but at the time it was all I had to give.”

Triss looked at her like she had to have lost her mind. “What kind of bullshit excuse is _that?” _she exclaimed, insulted. “You honestly expect me to stand here and believe that you’re emotionally handicapped? That’s pathetic, even for you. You want my trust back, Phil? You want me back in your life? Then grow a pair, do what you should have done years ago, and fucking tell me how you actually felt!”

Philippa exhaled a shallow breath, her hands went to the sides of Triss’ head, and she dropped her wards. She had never been good with words anyhow.

Triss was hit with everything all at once; the desire Philippa felt for her, the same burning in the pit of her stomach that Triss felt whenever she looked at her. She could see Philippa looking at her in her mind’s eye, and felt the other woman’s chest constrict at the sight whenever she smiled. Triss felt the loneliness and the anger that Philippa experienced when she returned to Aretuza, and the anxiety she felt now as she showed her all of this.

Philippa cared. She had always cared but hated that she did, and found it was just easier not to get attached. Triss could feel that she _still_ wanted to keep her at arm’s length, despite having missed having her around, and Triss couldn’t blame her because she felt the same… with all of it. She felt the same. Triss wanted her but she _hated_ that and at times she missed her so badly she could scream. All of her old feelings were rushing back and they were suffocating and awful and yet all Triss wanted to do was get hurt by her again, because she knew the pleasure could end up being very well worth the pain, because it was her. It was _Philippa._

Too caught up in her emotions, Triss unintentionally dropped her own wards, and Philippa felt it; she felt _everything,_ and the two women came together in a desperate, angry kiss.

Angry, because neither of them wanted the other to truly feel the extent of their feelings. Philippa opened a door she was clearly having trouble closing now that it was all so raw, and Triss hated herself because she was starting to feel _guilty_ because of the real reason she had come here. It was supposed to be different this time; she was supposed to have control and she was supposed to not _care,_ but Philippa was fucking her up all over again and, like an absolute fool, Triss was letting her because right now, at this very moment, it felt too damn good not to.

Triss tore at Philippa’s dress _–_ the stupid _casual_ dress that implicated she was comfortable when Triss clearly was not _– _ripping one of the straps with the force she used to pull it down her shoulder. It fell further down the other woman’s torso, exposing her breasts that Triss wasted no time fitting into her palm. Philippa hissed against her lips, but she snatched Triss’ wrist and pulled away from the kiss just enough to speak.

“I won’t have a repeat of last time,” she panted, her breath tickling the younger woman’s lips. “To be clear, I am still not offering more than I already have.”

“You’re an idiot,” Triss told her breathlessly, her tone exasperated as she pushed Philippa against the wall, sliding the rest of the woman’s dress down past her hips. It pooled on the ground and Triss leaned in to kiss and bite at the older woman’s neck, but Philippa tangled her fingers in her hair and _pulled,_ not allowing her to dismiss this. Her tone was serious, and if Triss didn’t know any better, she’d think Philippa was concerned that Triss would walk out on her again. Whatever she wanted, whatever this _was, _Philippa did not wish to see it end.

“Triss. Tell me you understand.”

Triss growled in irritation. “_Fine._ I understand. Now shut up and let me fuck you.” She grasped Philippa’s arm then, encouraging the woman to turn around so that her breasts were pressed against the wall. Triss fit herself firmly against her, one of her hands tangling in raven hair while the other fell between her legs, and Philippa exhaled an unsteady breath before chuckling low in her throat.

“Someone’s on a power trip. Would you like me to call you Mistress while I lap at your cunt later, or would you like me to fight you for the control you so desperately need right now?”

“You think you’re so funny,” Triss breathed into her ear, her fingers coated in the other woman’s desire. Philippa had obviously been turned on for _awhile. _“But no amount of mocking is going to overshadow the fact that you’ve been desperate to get me into bed again since the moment you laid eyes on me. That you’ll spew bullshit like ‘getting to know one another again’ and ‘collaboration’ because you want me back in your life, be it for ‘casual’ reasons or not. _You_ want _me,_ Phil, and _that’s _where I get my power.”

Philippa chuckled softly as she spread her legs, inviting the other woman’s touch. “Oh, pet. You still have _so_ much to learn…” she purred, not allowing Triss to win. Triss tried not to care, tried to believe in her own victory, but because it was _Philippa, _there was always this small part in the back of her mind that wondered if Philippa was just _that good_, and this was all bullshit in order to get something that she wanted.

No. She couldn’t think like that.

Triss’ fingers slid inside of her, and Philippa bit back a groan. “I think I’ve learned enough, thanks,” Triss hissed into her ear, twisting her fingers as she pulled out another breathy moan from the woman beneath her. Philippa reached behind her and grasped onto the back of her lover’s head, her fingernails digging into Triss’ scalp. Triss fucked her without mercy, her hand already covered in the other woman’s desire as she sought to make Philippa sound as desperate for this as she knew she was. The other woman had never been as vocal as Triss was with her moans, but Philippa’s breathing was uneven and her chest was flushed as her breasts bounced with each thrust of the other woman’s arm.

Eventually, however, she did reach the precipice that Triss knew she was fast approaching. “_Fuck_— Triss, I need…”

“I know what you need. I just haven’t wanted to give it to you yet,” Triss told her, because she knew Philippa could only come clitorally. She twisted her fingers inside of her again and the woman beneath her cried out, her own hand dipping between her thighs so she could make herself come. Triss was quick to snatch the other woman’s wrist, pulling it away from its destination. “_Cheater,”_ she accused, and Philippa exhaled a frustrated breath as she collapsed her cheek against the coolness of the wall.

“Orgasm denial is your new kink, I see.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t enjoy it,” Triss countered, holding up her hand and pulling her middle and forefinger apart, a string of Philippa’s desire pulled between them as the rest of her palm glinted under the light of the room. Philippa’s lips curled into a sly smirk and she turned around before Triss could stop her, snatching the younger woman’s wrist in her hand before she made an over-the-top showing of licking her own desire off of Triss’ fingers before practically deep-throating them.

Triss was fairly certain that _she_ was the one dripping on the floor now.

“Fuck _me,”_ Triss swore, now too caught up in her own wanton need to do anything other than stare at the other woman. Philippa’s smirk widened. She knew she had won.

“Oh, I plan to.”

Triss was thrown rather unceremoniously onto the bed, her dress bunched around her hips before her undergarments were ripped from her body. Philippa wasted no time taking what she wanted from her, and Triss’ back arched and a gasp of pleasure fell from her lips as the other woman’s mouth wrapped around the apex of her thighs. “Phil… _shit…” _she panted desperately, her fingers curling in the other woman’s hair as she pushed her hips into her. She could see her lover’s hand working vigorously between her own thighs while she pleasured Triss with her mouth, and despite Triss wanting to be the one who made her come, she also couldn’t blame Philippa for at least needing a little reprieve after the state she had left her in.

Besides, it wasn’t like this was going to be the last time they fucked. Philippa might desire a casual lover, but she also desired a regular one, and Triss planned to be that for her. It was why she came here in the first place, wasn’t it?

There was that small pang of guilt again.

Philippa bit the inside of her thigh when she made herself climax, and Triss hissed in pain and dug her fingernails deep into Philippa’s scalp. “Fuck. You bitch—” she panted, but she didn’t really mean it because she sort of liked the pain, and Philippa didn’t _care_ because she knew Triss would always be a little bit of a masochist. The older woman chuckled as she came up from between her thighs, climbing over Triss’ body as lithe and as controlled as a panther. Triss couldn’t help but stare up at her in anticipation, knowing she was about to get absolutely devoured.

“Tell me what you want, Triss Merigold.”

Triss knew the other woman wanted her to say ‘you’, which was precisely why she responded with, “An orgasm.”

Philippa laughed, but gave her what she wanted.

It was absolutely terrible though, as Philippa didn’t just give her that. Instead, she spent time watching the pleasure play out across her lover’s face as she fucked her; touching her and kissing her and making it seem like she actually gave a shit again, and Triss ate it up like a starved dog because a part of her missed having real _passion_ behind her sex. She grasped for Philippa, begged against her lips for her not to stop, and fell into the trap that was set out for her, because in the end, Philippa wouldn’t stop teaching her little lessons.

“Would you like me to demonstrate now why you still need my guidance, pet?” she breathed as Triss’ insides continued to contract, her cheeks flushed and her breathing uneven as she rode out her high. Philippa looked down at her, gently brushing a strand of hair away from Triss’ eyes. Her expression indicated that she deeply cared, but it was only the hilt that covered the sharpness of her sword. It was intentional. It was calculated.

“Your wards are down and you’ve been feeling so terribly guilty,” Philippa revealed, and a sudden tightness gripped Triss’ chest as she realized all of this was about to go down in flames. “Show me why.”

When you actively try not to think about something, it ends up being all you can think about, and Triss certainly proved that to be true when Philippa purposely read her mind, looking for the answers she sought. _“You have a plan, I assume,“ _Yennefer had said._ “Yes, and it largely centers around ignoring her,”_ Triss had responded, but Philippa dug deeper and then she was with Keira, naked in bed and plotting their little attempt at espionage with, _“I overheard Foltest tell Bronibor that he is growing concerned over Redania’s growing army,”_ and “_Please don’t tell me you’re suggesting I bed Philippa Eilhart for information.”_

Philippa retreated from her mind and Triss inhaled a sharp breath, going a little pale as she lay there frozen.

“I don’t know whether to be impressed that you tried, or insulted that you thought it would actually work,” Philippa finally said, and Triss flushed in guilt, turning her face away from her. She should have listened to Yennefer. “Either way, you let your personal feelings interfere with your goals, and that is why you failed. You need to learn to either separate them, or use them to your advantage if you ever wish to get anywhere in life.”

Triss looked at her in disbelief. “I attempted to betray you, and all you’re concerned about is that I didn’t do it _well_ enough?”

“Perhaps I would feel more slighted if this came as any surprise, but I had a feeling your attendance at Radcliffe’s banquet wasn’t mere coincidence. I have heard rumors of Temeria’s growing unease, but I honestly did not think you foolish enough to attempt something like this this early. You still have quite a lot to learn, pet.”

Triss exhaled an offended scoff as she sat up, pushing her hair away from her face as it stuck to her forehead and her neck. “Fine. Lesson learned. I’ll be leaving now.” She attempted to get up to grab her clothes, but Philippa snatched her wrist in her hand.

“No,” she told her. “You _won’t._ We aren’t finished.”

Triss ripped her hand out of her grip. “You said I should learn to use my feelings to my advantage? Was that what _you_ were doing? Was all of this bullshit just so you could manipulate me into dropping my wards? For fuck’s sake, Phil, I dropped them very early _–_ you didn’t have to _fuck_ me and then immediately trample all over me!”

“_You_ came here under false pretenses to manipulate _me,_ and somehow you’ve convinced yourself that _you’re_ victim in all of this?” Philippa countered, exhaling a disbelieving laugh. “You certainly have a talent for trying to turn things around. Of _course_ I used my own feelings to manipulate you, but that does not mean that they aren’t real. You just fall to putty in my hands whenever I touch you like you’re all that exists in this world, which, to be quite blunt, I also rather enjoy, which is why I fucked you despite knowing that something was off. If that bothers you though, then perhaps you deserved it after what you attempted, so I’m hardly sorry for it.”

Maybe she_ did_ deserve it. Triss’ face clouded over. “Sexual manipulation is one thing. Emotional manipulation is quite another,” she accused, because she didn’t want to be the asshole in this situation. She was though, and they both knew it.

“Did you miss the part where I admitted that my feelings for you were genuine?” Philippa repeated, frustrated that she wasn’t being heard. “Besides, despite the minute irritation of your failed espionage, I cannot blame you for trying to use our history to your advantage, considering I did the very same thing by getting you placed in the Temerian court for my own benefit.”

Triss stared at her. “I’m sorry, you _what?”_

“Did you really believe that I would just let you walk away without first laying down the path you would follow?” Philippa explained, as though it should have been obvious. “I picked you for a reason, Triss, and I wasn’t going to have your apprenticeship end up being a waste of my time. I knew it might take years for you to come back to me, but I knew that when you did you would have to be placed somewhere of use, so I tipped the Chapter’s ear to have you placed where I desired. Temeria was an obvious choice because you _are_ Temerian, and I had no influence there. Now I do.”

That was… quite a lot to unpack, and it took a few long seconds for Triss to process everything she heard before she clambered off the bed, backing up a few steps to look at Philippa in disbelief. Suddenly, the last few years of her life felt like a lie. She had thought she had_ earned_ her place in that court, but now it felt like Philippa had orchestrated the entire thing. It made her feel like little more than a puppet, and that sickened her. Tears filled her eyes, but they were angry more than devastated.

“What the—what the hell is _wrong_ with you?!” Triss shouted, dark lines making their way down her cheeks as her makeup ran. “Is _anything_ in my life real? How could you _do_ this to me?!”

“Excuse me for giving you an advantage,” Philippa snapped, upset that Triss was taking this so badly. She had obviously expected some backlash, but apparently nothing of this caliber. “That was _why _you apprenticed for me, wasn’t it? That’s why everyone apprentices for me— because I can _give_ them things like that. I made certain you had a good station and a good life, and _this_ is how you thank me?”

Triss covered her mouth and sobbed furiously. She wanted to scream at her, yet she couldn’t stop crying. She just felt like her entire life was a lie and it made her feel like she didn’t know where she fit anymore. It had been a long time since Triss had felt so lost, yet now the feeling consumed her from the inside out.

Philippa, realizing that she had broken her far more than she had intended to, at least had the decency to look apologetic about it. “Triss. Believe me when I tell you that I never did it to hurt you. I may have had selfish reasons, but I truly believed it was what you wanted. I wanted to give that to you, and I needed to make certain that you were taken care of. Your talents could have gotten you anywhere without my help, but I needed you in Temeria and I believe you’re much happier in your own country than you would have been being a stranger in someone else’s. That was why I did not encourage the Chapter to send you to Nilfgaard, despite my need for someone there being much greater. Again, I did _not_ do this to hurt you.”

“You never mean to hurt me,” Triss breathed through her tears, although her crying had calmed down significantly. “Yet you always do.”

Philippa sighed softly. “Come here,” she requested, holding out her hand. Triss pursed her lips and stared at her, but Philippa wiggled her fingers impatiently and Triss didn’t know why, but she felt compelled to do as she was asked. Philippa pulled her back on the bed, allowing the younger woman to sit across from her as she gently wiped the black smudges from underneath Triss’ eyes. “I will make it up to you,” she promised softly, her fingers tracing the contour of the younger woman’s jaw. “For every tear I make you shed, I will give you two times a reason to smile. Does that sound agreeable?”

“You’re doing it again,” Triss accused in a hoarse tone. “You’re trying to emotionally manipulate me to get what you want. Can’t you, for _once,_ just give a shit about me without having ulterior motives?”

Philippa dropped her hand and her pretenses. “I do. I _do_ give a shit about you, Triss. But that doesn’t change the fact that I need your cooperation and I need your loyalty for reasons greater than our relationship. I have worked too long to have it all fall apart now.”

Triss shook her head, beginning to grow upset again. “I can’t betray my king, Phil. I won’t.”

“_Your_ king?” Philippa repeated in disbelief. “Pet, in your lifetime you will see many kings rise and fall, and their insignificant reigns will not matter outside of what they were able to achieve for you during them. You owe them no loyalty, Triss. They have done nothing to earn it. _You_ are the one who will outlast them all, so think of yourself, and what you want from your life and who can give it to you. If you promise to be my eyes and ears in Temeria, I can reward you with power and position. A seat on the Council one day, perhaps? Whatever it is that you desire, I will see it done.”

Triss swallowed. When presented like that, Philippa’s offer was awfully tempting. But what kind of person did that make her if she betrayed her country for her own interests?

“What’s more, I will let you leave here with the information you sought so that you may better secure your position as one of Foltest’s trusted.”

Triss chewed on her bottom lip, and Philippa could see that she was being swayed. She reached out, cupping the younger woman’s cheek in her palm as she told her sincerely, “I will take care of you, Triss. You have my word.” Her thumb lingered a little too long on the corner of Triss’ mouth, and it made the young sorceress’ heart race as Philippa continued to mold her into the perfect ally that she had always wanted.

“All you have to do is say that you’ll be mine, and I will give you everything you have ever desired,” she breathed, laying it on thick so that Triss never had a hope or prayer. “So say it, pet; promise me. Promise me, and we’ll never have to be apart.”

Triss knew what she was doing and that she probably couldn’t be fully trusted, and yet Philippa knew how to make her absolutely crumble inside and so the words left Triss’ lips without the courtesy of a thought or a debate, because perhaps it was stupid to deny the truth of it any longer.

“…I’m yours.”

**TBC…**


	16. XVI.

**XVI.**

“So you attempted to bed her for information, only for her to turn around and bed _you_ for information?” Yennefer asked, making certain that she was hearing this correctly. Triss glowered, yet did not dispute the events that transpired between her and Philippa, as that was pretty much what ended up happening.

Yennefer burst out laughing. But not just any laugh; a full-bellied laugh that nearly made her double over with the force of it.

“It’s not _funny!” _Triss exclaimed, furious that she was being laughed at. She knew Yennefer was going to say ‘I told you so’, but laughing at her was_ worse._ Despite feeling like she was getting a much better deal with being allied with Philippa rather than Foltest, it still wasn’t easy to hear about how the other woman had beaten her at her own game.

It was more than a fortnight after Triss had pledged her loyalty to her former mentor, and the two friends had met up on Yennefer’s journey north. Triss had wanted to tell her what had happened the second it had transpired, but there was no way she could admit her own treason via megascope. They needed privacy for that, and so Triss waited until she could see Yennefer in person again before she admitted the truth of what happened. The two women were holed up in the inn Yennefer had chosen to stay at. Triss hated being trapped indoors recently, but as the weather was getting colder and ice covered the ground, her days were constantly spent with four walls around her. She missed the sun and she missed the fresh air, but perhaps it was better they speak of this behind closed doors anyhow.

“It’s not,” Yennefer agreed, laughing regardless. Triss was beginning to regret not keeping this information to herself. “It’s _awful,_ yet I knew this would happen. Why do you never listen to me?”

“Because I obviously have a blind spot when it comes to Philippa,” Triss admitted, frustrated by her own weakness. “But it’s not _awful._ Philippa can give me things that a mere king never could, and I _want_ those things, Yenna. I deserve those things.”

“Perhaps, but they will come with consequences I’m unsure you’ll be able to bear,” Yennefer reminded her. Her laughter had subsided, and now her tone had returned to one of seriousness. “Getting into bed with Philippa is _dangerous, _Triss. And I don’t mean sexually, I mean politically— although I’m sure you’ve realized by now the former is just as dangerous. She fucks you and you do whatever she damn well asks of you. Do you even _know_ what she’s planning, or why she needs you in Temeria?”

“…No.”

Yennefer shot her a pointed look, and Triss immediately felt foolish.

“I know what you’re thinking, but she’s not using me!” Triss exclaimed, although to be honest she wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince Yennefer or herself. “She dropped her wards and I know how she feels about me, Yenna. And it’s _real._ It’s messy and it’s confusing, but it’s very much real. She’s just emotionally fucking incompetent and can’t handle anything resembling an actual relationship, but that’s _fine_ because I don’t think something like that would work with us right now anyway considering I still don’t fully trust her, despite how badly I wish I did. Sex is just easier, in the long run.”

“If she feels about you how you believe she does, then it isn’t just sex though, is it?” Yennefer countered, and Triss got a little flustered. She hated not having all the answers right now considering she felt like she was being put on trial.

“It is,” Triss denied. “Sex with emotion is still just _sex. _It just feels a whole lot better, that’s all.”

“Until one day you realize you want more, and find that she cannot give it to you.”

“I’m perfectly content with the way things are,” Triss assured her. She didn’t want to fuck things up again because she wanted more than she really needed. Besides, she now understood why Philippa did not like the idea of monogamy. “I’ve grown up, Yenna, and it’s no longer only her who has other lovers who need attending to. I have my life and she has hers, and sometimes we’re going to see each other and have our lives intermingle, but that’s it. I’m fine with our arrangement, I promise. I won’t get myself hurt again.”

“Emotionally, perhaps, but your new political allegiance is liable to get you killed if you’re not careful,” Yennefer sternly warned. “Philippa crosses lines that many wouldn’t even dare look at. Please, _please_ be careful.”

“I know what I’m doing.”

“You don’t,” Yennefer told her bluntly. “And frankly, your belief that you do is what is deeply concerning to me.”

Triss pursed her lips and looked away from her, upset. She knew Yennefer wouldn’t be entirely receptive to this, but she also needed her support. She needed to feel like she was doing the right thing, but now she wasn’t so sure. “I have to think about myself, Yenna,” she told her softly as she leaned her side against the wall, looking at her friend in the armchair across from her. “Philippa will take care of me. I _know_ she will.”

“Of course she will,” Yennefer responded with a resigned sigh. “I have little doubt that she’ll make sure you never want for anything at all, but I do not like that she tied you to her politically and then left you to fend for yourself. She cannot protect you if she is not here.”

“I don’t need anyone to protect me, Yenna!” Triss exclaimed as she pushed herself off the wall. She was tired of being viewed as infantile. “I’m perfectly capable of doing that on my own; I’m not a child!”

“I know you’re not, but because I love you that fear is going to persist because I very much wish not to lose you, Triss.”

Triss stared at her, emotion constricting her esophagus. Yennefer stared at her, apparently very confused on why her friend was looking at her like that. “What is it?”

Triss looked very close to tears. “…You’ve never told me you loved me before.”

Yennefer rolled her eyes. “And that gets you all worked up? You know I love you, as I know you love me. Don’t be ridiculous.”

But Triss was a ball of emotion, and she flung herself into the other woman’s arms to embrace her in a tight hug. “I love you too,” she breathed, tears beginning to spill from her eyes. Yennefer exhaled an exasperated sigh, but slipped her arms around her friend’s waist, knowing that she must bear the consequences of her words.

“Are we done with that now?” Yennefer asked as Triss finally pulled away, and the younger woman laughed softly through her tears as she nodded. “Good.” Yennefer reached out, wiping Triss’ tears from her cheeks. “I trust that you did not admit to Keira that you failed, or that you were fucked stupid and turned into a double agent,” she assumed, getting back on topic.

“No,” she admitted, moving to the chair next to her friend. She sat heavily. She really _was_ fucked stupid, wasn’t she? But then again, Philippa just had a way of making her lose all sense sometimes. “Philippa told me that Redania was nervous about Emhyr var Emreis overthrowing and executing the Usurper of the Imperial throne. King Vizimir does not trust him and that is why they began expanding their army. He thinks Emhyr will be a tyrant king, and Philippa agrees. Quite frankly though, I don’t know why they’re overly concerned at the moment, seeing as the next logical move of the Empire would be to take Cintra, as they have already invaded Mettina and Nazir with nothing stopping them from moving north. If anything, Temeria will go to war before Redania.”

“But,” Triss continued, waving her hand to encourage herself to move along to her point, “I convinced Keira that information was traded with sex, and not my loyalties. I am not stupid enough to let her know something she could use against me. We may be allies, but one day that could very well change. Either way, Foltest was grateful for the information, has started making his own preparations in case Nilfgaard ends up at our borders one day. I set out what I achieved to do, which is the important thing.”

“Perhaps,” Yennefer murmured. “But take care not to allow this to get one-sided. Philippa may have offered you information this time around, but that may stop. She could expect you to do as she wishes without giving anything in return save promises yet to be fulfilled. Make _certain_ she fulfills them, otherwise you are no better than all the other dancing puppets she’s strung up for her own amusement.”

Triss exhaled a sigh at that imagery, but she knew that Yennefer was right. She did not want to end up being played for a fool and prayed she would not be, as she could not bear to get hurt by Philippa for a second time.

[x]

“Mmm… I’ve _missed_ you, pet.”

Triss smiled, pulling her lover’s naked form flush against hers before she left a languid kiss on Philippa’s lips, absolutely spent from their night together. “Say it again,” she softly demanded, getting caught up in an emotion that may not even be real. But it didn’t matter, because Philippa made it _feel_ real, and all Triss wanted was to drown in it because it felt so good for Philippa to rob her of breath.

“I…” Philippa breathed against her cheek before she allowed her lips to dust her jaw, her neck, her ear, “_missed_ you, Triss. Out of all my toys, you are most certainly my favorite.” Philippa pulled away from her then, but only enough that she could look down at the face of the woman she wished was in her life more often. Her fingertips dusted over Triss’ jawline, softly finishing, “And the only one I care not to break.”

“Anymore,” Triss amended, because she wanted her to remember that she had, and she _needed_ Philippa to feel guilty enough to never do so again.

“Anymore,” Philippa acknowledged. The pads of her fingers distractedly traced her lover’s lips before she seemed to snap herself out of it and took her hand away. Triss smiled, glad that she could get Philippa just as caught up in this relationship as she was. Triss took her hand in her own, bringing it to her lips and kissing the tips of her fingers, and Philippa smiled softly as Triss fell just a little bit harder. This felt like the best thing that had ever happened to her, but that probably meant that it had the potential to turn out to be the worst.

Triss wrapped her arms around her lover, pulling her down to lay next to her on the bed they shared in Montecalvo. True to her promise, she had begun working with Philippa again, and with, their combined magic, they were able to finally finish the project they started so very long ago, and enable long-distance portals. Triss and Philippa had been able to travel to one another just by portaling to each other’s side for nearly a year now, and that kind of accessibility had improved their relationship greatly, as it wasn’t so long between their visits anymore. Still, even the shortened duration of their absence from one another left them with a sense of loneliness neither felt comfortable admitting the extent of. They missed one another when they were apart, that much was certain, but both pretended it was only the sex that they craved, and not the emotional intimacy they seemed to have found with one another. It was why they only said those things when they were in bed together, despite both of them being more than aware of how deep it truly ran.

The denial, however, seemed to run so much deeper than that, and that was what they both clung to.

Triss was on Philippa’s arm to any occasion she wished to bring a date now, as their relationship had moved past their occasional meetings for pleasure and information. That wasn’t to say that they did not still do those things, as that was why Triss was in her bed now, but true to her word, when they finally completed the project they had begun all those years ago, Philippa had taken her dancing and wine tasting in Beauclair, and after that everything changed. Whatever this was between them had evolved into something they hadn’t expected, yet should have seen coming. Despite that, neither woman could bring themselves to call it what it was, as that seemed more terrifying than ignoring the obvious.

“I heard Vizimir dissolved the engagement between his son and Princess Cirilla,” Triss mentioned once Philippa lay next to her on the bed. She placed her head on her lover’s shoulder, absentmindedly drawing patterns over the other woman’s abdomen with her fingertips. Philippa smirked.

“Is this your king’s interest, or your own?”

“Mine,” Triss promised her. “I’m just curious, is all. The dissolution of it seemed rather sudden.”

“Vizimir’s decision to tie Redania to a sinking ship was foolish and so I sought to rectify the problem,” Philippa admitted, her fingers gently weaving in the younger woman’s hair. “Mostly in part to your insistence that Cintra would be the next to fall to Nilfgaard, which my spies confirm may very well be true. I’ve put too much stock in Redania to let an idiot king allow it to fall to pieces with terrible alliances. Vizimir is getting stubborn in his old age however, and I’m growing weary of fighting him at every turn.”

“Another decade or two and it will be his son on the throne,” Triss reminded her, trying to give the woman something to look forward to. “I’m sure it will be easier advising a king who’s young and unseasoned.”

“My patience may not last for another decade, let alone two,” Philippa admitted, sounding frustrated. She shook her head, her fingers tightening in her lover’s hair as she held her close to her. “It is of no matter though.”

“Yeah,” Triss agreed, her words exhaled across the other woman’s bare breast. “It isn’t as though you can shorten his reign until Prince Radovid comes of age.”

“No…” Philippa conceded, but there was something else behind her tone; something that Triss could not distinguish without opening up their empathetic connection again, which both women had promised to no longer do so that they were allotted at least a _little_ privacy while with one another. “I cannot.”

Triss narrowed her eyes at her tone, yet chose to keep silent on the matter. If Philippa was scheming, she wanted no part of it. She was already in too deep with her as it was. Triss turned to lie half on her stomach and half on the woman beneath her, placing her chin on Philippa’s ribs as she looked up at her.

“Ask me.”

“Ask you what?”

“Whatever you want to know about Temeria,” Triss clarified, wishing to get the business part of their relationship over with so that they could get back to what she _truly_ wished to indulge in. “You called me here for a reason, I assume.”

“Of course I called you here for a reason, but Temeria’s movements are of little interest to me at the moment. I have my hands full with greater concerns,” Philippa told her, causing the younger woman’s brow to rise. That was a surprise. Every time they had seen one another, Philippa had always wanted to know something. Sometimes she gave something in return, sometimes she did not, but as she still promised Triss immeasurable power once she had enough years as a full-fledged sorceress under her belt, the younger woman knew her greater reward was coming, and did not mind giving Philippa what she wanted. She had stopped feeling guilty about it ages ago.

“Then why am I here?”

Philippa looked down at her, pushing Triss’ hair back from her eyes. “You alleviate my frustrations with the world, pet. I needed a break. That is why you are here.” For what seemed like the first time, Philippa wanted her there for reasons other than pure orgasms or her own political gain, and a surge of emotion clutched Triss’ chest as she pursed her lips and pressed them atop her lover’s breast, trying to stop the smile that was threatening to emerge.

Philippa rolled her eyes, getting a little defensive from the reaction she received. “Enjoying your company is not a declaration of anything, you know.”

“Neither is my smile,” Triss countered as she lifted her head, turning this around. Her tone was teasing, yet she was also as serious as Philippa was about stopping themselves from getting too close, even though it was probably foolish to think they could anymore. “Stop reading into things.”

Philippa chuckled, and Triss finally allowed herself to smile. She looked at the other woman for a long time, her chest warm and her stomach in knots before she finally leaned in and gently pressed her lips against Philippa’s. Triss kissed her like she was the only thing that mattered in her world, and everything only got worse when the sentiment was returned in kind. The knots in her stomach tightened and Triss had to break the kiss, gently leaning her forehead against Philippa’s as she closed her eyes and begged, “Tell me something real.” She could feel Philippa’s brow knit in question, and Triss admitted, “I’ll get caught up if you don’t. Neither of us want that.”

Philippa pursed her lips and was silent for a long time. Finally she admitted, “I’m concerned you may one day grow too powerful and will find you no longer benefit from being under my control. It would shred me to have to rectify that, but I would do it without question.”

Triss exhaled. Despite how awful that was, the truth was strangely comforting.

Philippa looked at her for a long time. “I’ll ask the same of you,” she finally requested, and something inside of Triss tightened again. She was not the only one who felt like they were getting too close, and that made her wonder if they were both idiots for immediately backing away if that feeling was reciprocated.

Still, Philippa had indulged her request, so Triss allotted her the same. “I don’t think I’ll ever fully trust you, and that makes me wonder what the point of all this is. Sometimes, I think I should just walk away.”

Philippa pushed the hair from her lover’s eyes, tucking it behind her ear. “But you don’t.”

“No,” Triss responded softly, keeping the other woman’s gaze. “Not yet.”

Philippa did not say anything for a long moment, her fingers absentmindedly playing with the ends of Triss’ hair. “Eventually, all things reach their end,” she gently responded. “Why should we be any different?”

She had a point. It was unrealistic to assume this affair would last for the rest of their lives, as their lives were so very, very long. Still, despite knowing it would be better to walk away from Philippa sooner rather than later, Triss could not bring herself to leave. These were, easily, the happiest days of her life.

“Because we _are_ different,” Triss responded strongly. Philippa had always told her that because they were sorceress they were _more,_ that they were _better_, and Triss had begun to believe it. “So why should something that applies to everyone else apply to us?”

Philippa exhaled a soft sigh. “You know why, pet,” she breathed, although she at least sounded apologetic about it. And Triss did, she did know why; because they both were too emotionally guarded to ever have anything that truly lasted. They had embarked on something that anyone from the outside looking in would deem romantic, yet both women could not ever label their relationship as such, because it came with expectations that neither were able to meet.

“Yeah… I do.”

Philippa wrapped her arms around her, encouraging Triss to shift her position enough so that the other woman was on top of her again. “But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t enjoy ourselves while it lasts,” she breathed against her lips, prompting a smile from Triss before she kissed it away, leaving her mark on the other woman so deeply that it felt etched into her soul. Philippa’s hand tangled in her hair and they kissed for a long while, just enjoying the feel of one another. Triss knew they did not have long until she had to leave again, so despite how tired she was she fell into Philippa again, knowing she could always sleep when she was alone.

“Look at me,” Philippa softly requested once she had found her way on top of the other woman, her fingers buried deep inside of Triss as she slowly nudged her toward the edge. Triss’ breathing was shallow, her cheeks flushed and her lips parted and she opened her eyes, her gaze finding her lover’s as her insides burned and her heart swelled. The young woman reached out to touch her face, her thumb dragging across Philippa’s bottom lip as she panted out her pleasure. Philippa’s head turned and she kissed her palm, and Triss was about to fall into her abyss once more before there was a loud bang, Philippa’s bedroom door hitting the wall as it was abruptly opened.

“Phil—!”

Philippa ripped her fingers from Triss as she turned around, the sheets of the bed bunching around her hips as a murderous expression crossed her features. The man that had interrupted them began to choke as Philippa reacted instinctively, her anger overshadowing her good sense as she nearly collapsed Dijkstra’s windpipe.

“I’m so sorry, Miss— he just barged in!” came the terrified voice of one of Philippa’s servants behind Dijkstra, but the girl was magically pushed from the room rather violently before she got to her feet and scrambled away.

“Philippa, stop!” Triss exclaimed, grabbing for her lover’s hand. “You’ll kill him!”

Triss wasn’t Dijkstra’s biggest fan, but she also knew that he was a necessary evil in Philippa’s life. Thankfully, the other woman listened to her, and Dijkstra’s huge form collapsed onto the floor after she let him go, gasping and struggling for his next breath.

“What the _hell_ have I told you about interrupting me?!”

“To… only do it if it’s… important,” Dijkstra wheezed, rubbing his throat as he got to his feet. Triss took that moment to gather up the sheets to cover herself, not wishing _Dijkstra_ of all people to see her naked. Philippa, however, made no such move to cover herself. “Crazy bitch. Cintra—”

Philippa immediately threw the covers off of herself and got out of bed stark naked as she approached the spy, her expression growing grave. “Cintra what? _Spit it out!”_

“Cintra has fallen,” Dijkstra told her, his voice still broken and hoarse. He stared at Philippa’s body and while Triss did not enjoy that, Philippa barely acknowledged it. He did, eventually, fixate his gaze on her face though as he told her, “Nilfgaard has taken the capital. Queen Calanthe is dead, Princess Cirilla is missing. The city was massacred.”

“Fuck,” Philippa swore, before pointing towards the door. “Wait for me downstairs. I’ll be there momentarily.” She looked at Dijkstra’s neck, the redness deepening into dark purple bruises. “Perhaps find some ice for your neck,” she suggested in lieu of an apology, and the man shot her a furious look but said nothing as he left the room to do as instructed.

When the door closed, Triss warned her, “You need to be careful with him. If you piss him off enough he won’t think twice about betraying you.” She understood Philippa’s anger, but there had to be a line somewhere. “Learn to control yourself a little better, because I don’t want to see your head on a pike just because he decided he would rather reveal your secrets rather than continue tolerating your constant stream of abuse.”

“Do not lecture me,” Philippa snapped, and Triss exhaled an exasperated sigh at her defensive tone. “Siggy is well aware of my temper and puts up with it, whereas I in turn allow him to speak freely. If anyone else called me the names he has called me, I would have removed their tongue. However, that man has and will continue to be useful to me, and I in turn have elevated his position. It was my influence that named him the head of Redanian Intelligence, and he is well aware that it is my influence that could rip it all away should he choose to betray me. Besides, I’m sure it also helps that the absolute masochist is still in love with me, although if I’m to be honest I’m not certain why.”

“Neither am I.”

Philippa shot her a look, and Triss immediately clarified, “I meant from his perspective, not mine!” Although then she blanched and nearly spat out, “Not that I— I’m _not.”_

“I know you’re not, pet. Calm down.”

But then Triss realized something, a look of horror passing over her features as she stared at Philippa like she didn’t know who she _was_ anymore. If Dijkstra was in love with her, Philippa had probably given him a reason to at one point. “Wait— did you _bed_ him?!” She couldn’t even— she couldn’t even _picture_ that; just the thought was so terribly vile. Dijkstra was seven foot of muscle and had a face like someone had been curious what would happen if you crossed a pig with a horse, and Philippa was so… so _not_ any of that.

Philippa looked like she regretted having said anything. She pinched the bridge of her nose. “…A very long time ago,” she admitted, and Triss didn’t know whether to laugh or gag.

“_Gross.”_

“For a man he wasn’t_—_ we’re not having this conversation,” Philippa decided halfway through her explanation. “I do not ask you to justify your lovers, so I’d appreciate it if you did the same. Besides, that was before I decided that men were no longer of interest to me, so it has no bearing on _your_ current position, if you’re concerned.”

Triss snorted. “Believe me, I’m _not_.” Even if Philippa was still bedding him, he was no threat to her. No one really was.

Philippa still looked a little exasperated, but she crossed the room to bring Triss in for a brief kiss. “I must go, and so should you,” she told her regrettably. “War is upon us all now. I do not know when I’ll be able to see you again, so keep yourself safe. I will come to you when I'm able.”

Triss nodded in understanding, but the corners of her lips were turned down into a frown, concern etching between her brow. War with Nilfgaard was going to change everything and that scared her. Being away from Philippa for an extended period of time was going to be even _worse,_ as Triss would have no idea if she was safe, so before the other woman could step away Triss grasped her hand, pulling her back in for a long kiss.

When they broke apart, Triss touched her lover’s face and breathed, “Please be careful. I know you are not one to sit idly by, but I could not bear it if you left me.”

“I’ll be fine, pet,” Philippa assured her before she placed her hand over Triss’ and removed it from her face just enough to place a kiss against her palm. “Now go. News will spread fast, and your king will want his mages by his side.”

Little did they know, it wouldn’t be_ Philippa_ who came out of this war with scars and that, despite their desire to, they could not save one another from the pain that was to come. That, more than anything, ended up being the truly devastating part of this war.

**TBC…**


	17. XVII.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning that this fic is about 95% book canon compliant (and only 95% because by the time my beta reminded me that Triss never going back to Foltest/getting involved in politics after Sodden was inaccurate I had written too far ahead and was too lazy to go back and change it) so there WILL be spoilers for the Netflix show from here on out, assuming they still follow book canon. ALTHOUGH WHO KNOWS SINCE WE HAVE ZERO CASTING NEWS ON PHILIPPA AND EVERYONE PRETTY MUCH THINKS SHE’S GONNA GET WRITTEN OUT OR HAVE HER CHARACTER MERGED WITH TISSAIA SO FUCK IT RIGHT HAHAHA KILL ME NOW :)

**XVII.**

Triss Merigold was dying.

She lay on the ground, with the smoking form of Yoël next to her and the half-dead torso with no arms and no legs screaming its lasts breaths near her feet. Triss saw a head of bright hair matted with blood and dirt and realized it was Coral, but there was nothing to be done as suddenly the sorceress was silent, and all Triss could hear around her were the sounds of death and destruction. Triss couldn’t breathe. The pain was so great and she was sticky with blood and for a moment she thought it was the sorceress next to her's, but the horrifying realization that it was her own crippled her more than her wound did as she realized that she was probably going to die there alone, atop Sodden Hill as she fought a war that was barely her own.

When the battle had begun, Triss had thrown up due to her own fear, Yennefer holding her hair back as she emptied the contents of her stomach onto the grass. She so desperately wanted to flee, but instead stood there frozen in fear even after she had instinctively cast a portal to her home in Maribor. Nilfgaard’s army was vast and terrifying, and as they surrounded the place they had chosen to make their stand, Triss had to wonder what a handful of mages could do against something like _that. _Philippa had assured her that they could do quite a lot, but when she saw the look of fear on Triss’ face, she cupped her cheek and strongly instructed her to _slaughter them all_ _– _her own way of asking Triss not to fail, not to die, not to leave her.

But she was going to. She was going to die here alone; without Philippa, without Yennefer. Neither of them wanted Triss there in the first place but Triss had insisted, refusing to be left behind when she believed herself capable enough to help. She knew once she passed that they would forever blame the other for her death, and Triss thought she was choking back tears but instead it was blood and she felt like she was drowning.

There was another bang, someone screamed, and Triss’ whole world went black.

Triss didn’t know if she was dreaming or if she was dead. The next thing she remembered was lying on a cot in a place that stunk of death just as much as the battlefield did, people around her as a hum of their inaudible words danced around her. Triss faded in and out of consciousness as horrible waves of pain washed through her, her entire body feeling as though it was on fire. She wanted to scream but all she could do was moan pathetically as she wished for death, because it had to be better than this.

“No—! You idiot;_ she’s allergic to potions_— use amulets!” Triss heard, and it sounded so much like Philippa that Triss knew she had to have been dreaming because Philippa never sounded terrified, her voice never broke and her tone was never desperate. “_I don’t fucking care! _If you won’t treat her properly then I will! Give her to me— get your _damn_ hands off of me!”

Somebody screamed, and Triss faded once more as the pain overwhelmed her senses.

When Triss finally awoke again, she choked back a sob and groaned. She was wrapped in bandages, her body still feeling as though she was burning. “Phil…” she tried, not caring about her own pain for a moment. She needed to know that Philippa was alive. “Yen…” Someone, _someone_ had to be alive, please… she couldn’t bear this…

“Triss…!”

Was that Philippa? Triss still couldn’t open her eyes the pain was so great, and someone took her hand.

“Tell me… something real…” she begged, needing to know she wasn’t dead, that Philippa was really there with her. The hand in her own squeezed hers, and Triss couldn’t tell if the desperation was her own, if Philippa was unable to ward herself properly due to her own fear of losing her, or if in her haze of pain as she hovered on the edge of death, Triss was fabricating things that were not really there.

“…I’m terrified.”

No, that couldn’t be Philippa. The words were honest, and barely more than a whisper. Triss exhaled another sob, but the hand that had been holding her own let go before being placed against her forehead. “Sleep, pet,” the voice breathed, and Triss’ world went dark once more.

Triss did not know how much time had passed, but the next time she awoke the pain had lessened significantly. Her breathing was still shallow and it hurt every time she moved, but she could finally see and she stared up at the ceiling of the hospital, wondering if any of what she thought had happened since the battle had truly happened, or if it was all just a fever dream. She still could not move enough to see the damage to her body, but Triss could _feel_ that she was badly burned. It felt like it was everywhere, even though she knew she would probably be dead if it was.

“You should have told me she was awake! _Move— _if you so much as touch me again, I will see that arm removed!”

_Philippa._

“No!” Triss choked out, suddenly terrified of Philippa seeing her like this. But she couldn’t move and Philippa was demanding and terrifying and always got whatever she wished, and suddenly the other woman was in her room, looking entirely worse for wear. It appeared as though she hadn’t slept in days, which made her even more frightening for the poor Healer who did not know how to stop a force as great as Philippa Eilhart.

“They told me you were _dead. _Your name is on a gravestone, for _fuck’s _sake—”

“What…?” Triss asked, confused and upset and still in so much pain. Philippa looked horribly upset; devastated and _angry _and so very, very tired. The other woman came to her bedside but did not touch her; suddenly she looked a little terrified of doing so, as though she was afraid that Triss would know the depth of her feelings for her if she did now that she was fully conscious. But Triss couldn’t even focus on that; she had so many questions, and she wanted answers before she passed out from the pain again.

“No one recognized you among the survivors. These_ idiots_ couldn’t even verify your death before they etched your name in stone—”

“Why?” Triss breathed, terrified of the answer. She could feel her burns, but she _needed_ them not to be that bad. She needed to know she would be okay, that she would be beautiful again because the thought of becoming that horribly disfigured girl again frightened her beyond anything else.

“It doesn’t matter; you will heal—”

“_Phil.”_

Triss’ tone was desperate and pleading. She needed to know the truth. She moaned in pain again as she tried to turn her head to look at the other woman, but she could barely move it and eventually she had to give up, more tears pooling behind her eyes as she realized she must be worse off than she thought.

“Yennefer is blind,” Philippa told her instead, trying to change the subject. A tightness enveloped Triss’ chest, and the sorrow she felt was exhaled through a shuddered sob. Momentarily, she forgot about her own pain. “I’m sorry. They are treating her, but it may be a long time until she can see again.”

It must be horrible if Philippa was apologizing, and that made it so much worse. Triss cried, tears pooling at the crook of her nose before Philippa reached out and delicately wiped them away. “I felt you,” she told her softly, and Triss could feel that their bond was open, without any wards or limitations again. Philippa ached so terribly inside, and it tore Triss apart. “It was why I knew you weren’t among the dead. Why I was able to come here and find you and recognize you before these _idiot_ Healers did any more damage by trying to treat you with potions. Your chest may never heal properly, and I want to flay them alive for that. At least I got here before they tried to treat the burns on your scalp.”

“My…?” Triss exhaled in horror, and Philippa’s expression crumbled with regret as she realized she had said too much in her overtired state. Triss could feel it now _–_ where she was burned. Now that she was focusing on it she could pin point the pain; her chest was the worst, but she was also burned on her scalp and half of her face, and Triss realized that meant she must have no hair, that she must look horrible and disfigured with deadened and raw skin hanging off of her.

Her worst fear coming true hit her straight in the chest, and the ugly little girl inside of her screamed.

“Get out— _get out!”_ Triss screeched, suddenly terrified of Philippa seeing her this way. It didn’t matter that Philippa knew exactly what she looked like and chose to stay, because the only thing that clutched at Triss’ chest was her fear of being tossed aside again because she was ugly, unlovable. The trauma she had experienced as a child collided with the trauma from the hill, and Triss could barely breathe as a panic attack gripped her chest. “Don’t look at me— _get out!”_

“Triss, stop it— I said don’t you _touch_ me!” Philippa screamed at one of the Healers before he was blown backwards into a wall. More rushed in to help though, and they were trying to explain to Philippa that she was distressing their patient as Triss continued to scream, yet it took so very long until the mages that had been working with the healers were able to subdue Philippa enough to escort her out of the room.

“Don’t let her back,” Triss sobbed. “Never let her back…!”

It was a decision the frightened, ugly girl inside of her made instinctively and it was one Triss ended up deeply regretting, but at the time, hiding herself away was the only thing that comforted her, because she wasn’t ready for the world to see her yet.

She wasn’t ready for _her_ to see her yet.

[x]

It took a very long time until Triss was healed enough to walk around. Even with the help of mages, who sought to honor the injured of Sodden Hill by giving them the best care, the Healers could only do so much. Regrowing and reattaching skin was a lengthy process even when magic was involved, and restoring Yennefer’s sight was taking even longer. The moment Triss could move and walk without an endless amount of pain, she found Yennefer in another room down the hall, and sobbed as she climbed into bed with her, clutching her close.

Triss needed comfort from someone she loved who she knew wouldn’t take one look at her and run, and Yennefer was that person as she could not _look_ at her at all. She couldn’t see anything, she wouldn’t realize what had been done to her, and that made her so much safer than Philippa.

“Triss,” Yennefer breathed in recognition, and suddenly the younger woman wasn’t the only one crying. Yennefer held her to her breast and Triss shuddered as she sobbed, realizing how desperately she needed the affection of another. She had spent the last few weeks lying in a bed and wanting to die. It had been hard for her here; physically, emotionally, psychologically, and it got even worse when the Healers finally told her that the burns on her chest would never heal properly. Her head, her face, yes, eventually… but it did not change the fact that she would forever be marred by her trauma, and wearing it forever devastated Triss in a way she didn’t even know how to express.

Now everyone would know the truth of her. What she really was inside.

Yennefer tried to stroke her hair but she_ had _none, and the first touch of the other woman’s hand against her scalp made Triss jerk back so badly that she practically tumbled out of the bed she had been sharing with the other woman. “No, don’t—!” she begged, but Yennefer was blind, not stupid. She knew what she felt. Her face crumpled.

“Oh, Triss…”

Triss fell to her haunches as she sobbed, her hands wrapping over some of the newly conjured skin that covered her scalp, her fingers rubbing against some of the dead, blackened parts that had yet to be replaced. Some of it flaked off, and Triss wanted to die all over again.

“It’s just hair. It’ll grow back.”

“I _know,”_ Triss sobbed. “But I’ll never be— they said I’ll never be the same. I’m scarred, Yenna. I was so badly burned they didn’t know who I was and used potions on me, and my allergy… it…” Triss tried, but she collapsed into tears again. “I thought I would never have to be the ugly, disfigured girl again and yet I _am. _I will _always_ be her, and now everyone can see it…! _She_ saw it, Yenna, she _saw_ it…”

Yennefer did not have to ask to know who she was talking about. “Where’s Philippa?” she asked, no doubt wanting to demand that the other sorceress properly take care of Triss when she could not. The worst part was that Philippa no doubt would have without even having being asked.

Triss nearly choked on the force of her sobs, a fresh wave of sorrow washing over her.

“_Triss.”_

“I don’t know!” Triss exclaimed, devastated. It felt like a part of her had been carved out of her and it was hard to breathe. “She was… she was here when I first woke up, had been here since just after I was brought in, but then I realized what I _looked_ like and I couldn’t bear her seeing me like that. I _still_ can’t. I told them not to let her back, and she… she tried one more time, but after she realized my request was serious she just— she respected my wishes and left, because that’s the kind of person she _is, _you know? She’s always been like that because she’s goddamn perfect and I _hate_ it, I hate it…!”

“Triss, she already _saw_ you,” Yennefer tried to reason with her, even though she knew when Triss got caught up in her emotions like this that there was little point. “She saw you, worse off than you are now, and she stayed. What does that tell you?”

“I _know!” _Triss shouted, anxiety crawling up her spine. She felt like she was trapped in her own skin. “Don’t you think I _know?_ I know exactly what that means, but I can’t deal with that; not now, not with everything else. It makes it even more terrifying that she could _leave_ and I can’t deal with that right now! I just need her gone— away from me, away from _this,_ because I’m broken, Yenna… I’m fucking _broken…!”_

And frankly, Triss doubted she would ever feel whole again. The woman she had worked so hard to become died up on that hill, and all that was left was a scarred and empty shell who felt like she had to run from the world, and so run she did.

[x]

Triss’ isolation stretched on for quite some time.

She never returned to her station in the Temerian court, although she doubted whether Foltest knew or cared if she was dead or not. With war hanging over the Northern Kingdoms, the king had more things to be concerned about than a missing mage. Triss barricaded herself in her tower in Maribor, going so far as to magically seal the doors because she knew, eventually, somebody would come for her, and she did — when Yennefer’s vision was restored she tried to find her friend, only to be shut out like the rest of the world.

“You can’t stay in there forever,” she had told her, and Triss just leaned her head against the door as tears filled her eyes because she didn’t want to be like this. She hated having regressed so much, but she still hadn’t been able to properly process her trauma, and she needed _time._

Even with the help of magic, it still took quite a long time for Triss’ hair to regrow to its original length. It took nearly a year, which that was better than three or four, so Triss did not complain. She was thankful her scalp and face had healed and she was starting to look like her old self again… so long as she wore blouses buttoned up to her neck, or dresses with a modest neckline. So long as she was dressed, Triss could pretend she was herself again. She could smile and she could laugh but then she would come home and undress, and everything would come apart again.

The first person Triss actually came across that she knew was Geralt. He and Yennefer had scratched one another's eyes out yet again, and he was on the road from Aedirn when they crossed paths. And Triss, who hated the truth of who she was now, desperately needed to feel desirable and thought it would be a good idea to get the boost she needed by climbing on top of her best friend’s lover. The problem was it only made her feel worse, as she hadn’t even had the courage to try to bed him without the help of a little magic. It was all a lie, and when Yennefer slapped her across the face for it Triss knew that she wholly deserved it, her shame preventing her from meeting the other woman’s penetrating and furious gaze.

“If you were anyone else, I would see your tongue removed and your eyes plucked from your skull.”

Triss’ cheek stung as a reddened handprint began to appear on her cheek. She still could not look at her. “…I know.”

“You’re self-destructing. Get a hold of yourself,” Yennefer demanded, and Triss’ shame deepened because she knew that it was true. “I understand that Sodden scarred you in more ways than one, but you cannot go on like this. You are too talented to hide yourself away in a tower for the rest of your life as you wait for someone to punish you for existing.”

Maybe that was part of it too. Maybe a part of her needed Yennefer to see her as the monster that she saw herself to be, but the problem was that even after she betrayed her trust, Yennefer still wouldn’t properly punish her for it. A slap was nothing compared to what she really deserved, and both of them knew it.

“I can’t forget it,” Triss breathed sadly. “I close my eyes at night and I can see what was left of Coral’s body lying next to mine, I can _smell_ my skin burning and hear mages screaming, and then I wake up and see myself in the mirror, see the proof of its reality etched into my skin, and I break all over again. It’s different than before; when Aretuza made me beautiful, I could look in the mirror and see a new person. That woman was a fresh slate, and could be whoever she wanted. I didn’t have to be reminded of who I was and what had happened to me because I couldn’t see it anymore. But I can see this, Yenna, and what’s worse is that everyone else can too.”

“You’ve already proven you can hide your scars from the world,” Yennefer reminded her, her eyes fixated on her friend’s new wardrobe. “Being unable to wear a plunging neckline anymore is a small sacrifice for your life. No one knows what’s under your clothes, Triss, and nobody has to unless you let them.”

Triss pursed her lips and looked away, her heart weighing heavy in her chest. Yennefer took one look at her expression and sighed softly, knowing what she was thinking about _– _or rather,_ who_ she was thinking about.

“Go. Find her,” Yennefer softly encouraged. “I know you’re scared that she may look at you differently now, but I think you’re more terrified that she may not. I will say this though; if she didn’t care as deeply as she did, she would have never stayed with you in that hospital for days on end. She would have never tried to find out that you were alive, and she never would have never injured two Healers for treating you with something you were allergic to. I have known Philippa a long time, and not _once_ have I ever seen her go out of her way for another person unless it benefited her personally. Unfathomably, she seems to have actually softened that hunk of ice inside of her chest. She cares, Triss, she cares about _you, _and I’m sure she’s wondering what happened. It’s been a long time.”

Triss’ eyes filled with tears. She felt awful about cutting Philippa out her life and she missed her terribly, but she was afraid of seeing her again for a variety of reasons. “I can’t just… show _up _after this long,” she breathed sadly. “What if she’s forgotten about me? _Replaced_ me?”

“Don’t be an idiot.”

Yennefer’s tone left little room for argument, and Triss exhaled a long sigh as she stared at her feet. Yes, perhaps that really was ridiculous, as before Sodden, Triss had enough confidence in her position in Philippa’s life that she knew nobody could touch it. So what had changed, really? Just because she ran away for a little while, did that mean that Philippa’s feelings for her had disappeared? If Triss was as confident as she had been, then shouldn’t she realize that something like that doesn’t just wash away easily?

“Now, please, do me a favor and go climb on top of the person you’re meant to, and stay the hell away from Geralt.”

Triss swallowed in guilt but nodded, silently promising her friend that she wouldn’t do something like that to her again. Anxiety gripped her chest at the thought of seeing Philippa again, but she knew that Yennefer was right _– _Philippa _did _care about her, and the longer Triss hid herself away, the more she was sending a message to the other woman that she did not care for her in turn, which was the very last thing Triss wanted to do, as that couldn’t be further from the truth.

**TBC…**


	18. XVIII.

**XVIII.**

“…Hi.”

Philippa exhaled a hard breath, staring at the woman on the other side of her door. While Triss usually portalled directly into her home, she didn’t want to make the assumption that she was welcome, or that in their time apart Philippa hadn’t warded her from doing so. Triss shifted the weight between her feet, her heart weighing heavy in her chest from the anxiety that threatened to consume her. She wished Philippa would just _say _something, but instead she just left her there in silence, watching the light spring breeze blow Triss’ newly regrown chestnut locks around her face.

Finally, the other woman extended her hand.

Triss’ hand was trembling as she took it, and Philippa wasted no time guiding her inside her home. The door magically swung closed behind her, and Philippa’s brow creased as she looked at the woman she had not seen in over a year. Triss’ chest grew heavier with regret and her eyes misted over. She felt so awful for shutting her out, and she wouldn’t blame Philippa if she decided she wasn’t worth the effort anymore. This wasn’t the first time she had run from her, after all. She wasn’t even certain that it would be the last.

“I’m _sorry._”

Emotion caused Triss to nearly choke on her words, and a tear slid down the contour of her cheek. Philippa exhaled a small sigh as she cupped her face and used her thumb to wipe away the other woman’s sorrow. “You always are, pet,” she told her regrettably. Triss could hear it, but she could not feel it; Philippa had her wards up again, and that absolutely devastated Triss who felt like she should ward herself in return so as to not project unwanted emotion. “But I cannot blame you for running. I’m just insulted that you thought you had to.”

Triss exhaled a sob, the other woman’s words feeling as though they stabbed her in the gut. Why did she always ruin everything? This kind of relationship _–_ whatever it was, whether they wanted to label it as something real or not _–_ wasn’t just new to her, but seemingly very new to Philippa as well. Although the other woman never talked about her past, Triss knew that if this wasn’t something _completely _new for her, it was most certainly something that she hadn’t allowed herself to feel in quite a while. Yet when Philippa finally allowed herself to be somewhat vulnerable, Triss just threw it back in her face and ran from her? No doubt Philippa was probably wondering what the point of all this was, and honestly… Triss couldn’t blame her.

“It was about me. Not you. Never you,” Triss tried to explain through her tears. She probably looked like a mess, but she didn’t care anymore. “I’m not okay, Phil,” she admitted sadly. “I don’t even know why I’m here, because I’m not the same, and have very little to offer you now, politically or otherwise. I’m sure with the way I am now I’d just be a burden, and I don’t… I _don’t_ want that. You deserve better than that.”

Philippa exhaled a long breath, but she did not say anything for a long moment. Finally her eyes shifted towards the sitting room, and she nodded to her. “Sit down. Stop crying. I’ll get someone to make you some tea, but I do not have long; I have matters to attend to at the castle in an hour and cannot be late.”

Triss swallowed hard, but appreciated being given the time of day considering she wasn’t exactly invited. She tried to pull herself together, and nodded her understanding. “Right… of course.”

Triss adjourned to the sitting room while Philippa fetched a servant to get her some tea. When the other woman returned she took the seat opposite her instead of next to her and Triss noticeably deflated, yet opted to say nothing. Instead, she stared at her hands. “I don’t know what to say,” Triss admitted softly. “I could explain to you why I ran, but I don’t think my reasons would make a difference. I still hurt you either way.”

For a moment, Triss believed that Philippa would dismiss that, pretend she did not care that much, but instead she looked a little ridged as she responded in a tight voice, “…You did.” And it was probably that, more than anything, that truly showed Triss just how much Philippa gave a shit, _still_ gave a shit, because if she didn’t she would have acted rather flippant about the whole thing as she distanced herself. Instead she sat across from her, kept her gaze locked on her former lover’s, and spoke her truth. “You do not trust me.”

“I _do—”_

“You don’t, and what’s more is that you told me you didn't not long before that happened. I should have listened.”

Triss’ heart ached. “Phil, I trust you in so many ways that matter, but I’m still terrified of you. Why can’t you understand that?” she pleaded softly. “I was never treated well when I was disfigured. I was never loved, never wanted. Why would I assume that you would do either of those things when we were just supposed to be in a sexual relationship? Without my sex appeal, I’m nothing. I thought you would take one look at me and run, so… so I decided to run first.”

Philippa’s entire demeanor changed at those words.

“I _obviously_ did not take one look at you and run, Triss; I spent _days_ by your bed!” she exclaimed, growing angry with the other woman’s assumptions. She stood up rather suddenly, pacing back and forth as she ranted, and the servant who was about to come in with tea backed out rather suddenly. Triss didn’t blame him. “I spent days seeing you burnt and broken and wondering if you were going to still be breathing if I allowed myself to close my eyes, so I couldn’t. I _didn’t._ I wasn’t concerned whether you were sexually attractive or not anymore, I just wanted you _alive!_”

Tears were beginning to well up in Triss’ eyes again, the passion and anger in Philippa’s voice breaking her heart. “I _know,”_ Triss sobbed, because she knew her excuse for running didn’t make sense after witnessing how Philippa reacted to her being in that hospital. She had convinced herself that that was the reason why, but it wasn’t. She might have run from the world because she felt ugly and monstrous, but she ran from Philippa for a very different reason. “But that’s what I’m scared of; if you really felt… and then _I_ allowed myself to feel_— fuck_, Phil, don’t you get it? I didn’t want you to break my heart, because I… I think I might be…”

But Triss couldn’t say it, and Philippa looked absolutely terrified that she very well might. She actually, physically, backed up a few steps. “_See?”_ Triss stressed, her throat constricting so much now that it was starting to hurt. “_This_ is why. _This is fucking why!” _she raged, allowing her devastation to fall away to anger, because it was just easier. “I should never have come back here.”

“—Triss,” Philippa pleaded, suddenly looking quite regretful about how she reacted. Triss knew that it was instinctual though, which was the worst part. “Stop, don’t— _stop!_ For fuck’s sake, every time you walk out that damn door I don’t see you for years. Stop _running, _I’m too goddamn old to chase you. I’m tired of it.”

“’Stop _running’? _Big accusation for someone who physically _backed away from me_ the second anything got too real,” Triss spat as she rounded on her. She was halfway towards the door but Philippa had gone after her, and Triss _hated_ that because she was always giving her mixed signals. “Don’t you dare stand there and act like this all my fault _–_ I may have physically run, but you’ve emotionally run from me for years, and you know what? I’m tired of _that.” _

Triss looked at the other woman in disbelief, shaking her head. “And _chase _me?” she repeated with an angry laugh. “You’ve never lifted a finger to try to get me back. At first I thought you just respected my wishes, but I’m beginning to realize it’s safer for you emotionally to do nothing at all, and just hope I’ll come back on my own. Well I’m tired of making things easy for you. I’ve been though hell and back and I am too goddamn damaged to be with someone who just wants to fuck me and pretend that’s all it is. I _can’t _even…” Triss began, but her voice broke in her throat as she looked away and clutched at the fabric that covered her chest. “Not yet. I tried, but it wasn’t real and I can’t— I can’t have it be real yet.”

Philippa stared at her, her eyes fixated on where Triss was clutching before she hissed in anger. “Those _idiots_ left you scarred, didn’t they? I fucking _told_ them not to use—!” But she stopped, realizing that was far from the point of all of this. “Just—stay,” she requested instead, sounding exasperated but at the same time, looking rather desperate. She knew if Triss walked out that door that she wouldn’t see her again for a long time, and Philippa did not wish to go through that again. “I don’t want you to leave again, alright? I’ve said the words, so just let that be enough for now. But I wasn’t lying when I said I have matters to attend to at the castle. Just… wait for me here.” A beat, and although it looked a little painful for Philippa to beg for anything, she ended it with, “…Please.”

Triss swallowed. Philippa never said _please_ to anything. “Fine,” she responded softly, knowing she owed her at least that much. “I’ll give you tonight. That’s all I can promise. And to be clear, I do not mean that I’ll share a bed with you, so if that’s all you want me for…”

“It’s not.”

Triss’ heart clenched in her chest at the quick response, knowing that Philippa was being truthful. She nodded her appreciation for her boundaries being respected. She just wasn’t ready yet, and honestly, she wasn’t sure if she ever would be. But that devastated her more than anything else, because being intimate with Philippa was the closest thing she ever felt to being loved, and now Triss feared she would never feel that way again.

[x]

It was quite awhile until Philippa returned. Night had fallen outside of Montecalvo and Triss, having been emotionally and mentally exhausted for over a year now, ended up falling asleep while she was waiting for her. What awoke her wasn’t the gentle indent of the mattress next to her though; instead it was the touch of fingertips against her forehead as her hair was brushed from her eyes. Triss instinctively jerked awake, yet noticeably relaxed once she realized who it was.

“I see you’ve made yourself comfortable,” Philippa noted with a hint of amusement in her voice.

“I used to live here,” Triss defended, because what was she supposed to do? Just sit in the drawing room until Philippa arrived back home? After she had dinner she felt a little tired and wished to lie down, so she found a place to. Besides, she honestly didn’t think Philippa would mind; despite not entirely knowing where they stood with one another anymore, the fact that Philippa asked her to _stay_ said quite a lot, and Triss took the invitation to heart.

“Your room was that way,” Philippa pointed down the hall, but her tone was teasing. Triss rolled her eyes, pulling the sheets to her neck as she snuggled deeper into the mattress. Despite how broken she had felt before coming there, being near Philippa again allotted Triss a sense of comfort and security that she hadn’t felt in a long time. Their back and forth was natural, easy, and Triss shot her a mischievous smile.

“Your bed’s more comfortable. If you’d like me to sleep elsewhere, put as much effort into your guest decor as you do your own.”

“And your excuse for raiding my bureau?” Philippa pressed, looking amused by the other woman’s attire. Triss wore a man’s white sleeping gown that was so over-sized it slipped off of her shoulder a little if she moved too much, but it was comfortable, and that was what mattered. Still, Triss self-consciously adjusted it, not wanting it to slip down too far and reveal her scars.

“I needed something to wear to bed; I couldn’t very well climb in here in a _dress,_” Triss defended. But then she realized something, and her nose wrinkled in distaste. “Please don’t tell me this was Dijkstra’s.”

Philippa laughed. “No, pet. That’s mine. I find it more comfortable than the skimpy things that women these days are meant to wear to entice their pointless male lovers. ”

“You never wore it when you slept with me.”

“I was _naked_ when I slept with you,” Philippa reminded her, and alright, that was fair.

A slow smirk crossed the other woman’s lips as she looked down at the woman in her bed. “But believe me, if I wanted you to sleep elsewhere, pet, I wouldn’t have asked you to stay.” Triss blushed a little at her tone, which was strange, considering she hadn’t been shy in front of her for ages. “You are always welcome in my bedroom, in whatever attire you wish, although I will admit I prefer a lack thereof.”

“Phil,” she warned, because she thought she had been clear about that.

“I know,” Philippa assured her softly, suddenly serious. She didn’t want her to think she was pushing her into something she wasn’t comfortable with, but the retort came naturally. Philippa pursed her lips, looking down at the woman in her bed. “Will you show me?” she finally asked, but the way all the color drained from Triss’ face made her quickly amend with, “—You don’t have to. I just wanted to assure you that it bears no difference to me.”

“You say that now,” Triss responded dejectedly, because _she_ knew what it looked like. She knew how repulsive she was now. There was no way Philippa could ignore that enough to still find her desirable.

The older woman’s brow knit. “How bad is it?”

“Bad enough.”

Philippa sighed softly, knowing she would never know the true depth of Triss’ pain until the other woman found it within her to show her the damage that Sodden had caused her. What made it more difficult was that Triss desperately did not want to talk about it, but she also knew that considering her scars _– _both physical and emotional _–_ were the reason she ran from Philippa in the first place, that they needed to.

“Do you really believe me so shallow that some scars would change how I look at you?” Philippa asked exasperatedly, and Triss knew it did not because let’s be honest, it wasn’t as though Philippa slept with people for their _looks._ Some yes, perhaps, but for others, how they looked did not matter, so long as they had something to offer her. The problem was though, now Triss had nothing to offer her at all except her beauty, and even that was marred.

“It changes how I look at myself, Phil. That’s enough.”

Philippa just looked at her sadly, yet did not dispute her conclusion. “I told you once that one day you would know the pain of a hundred lifetimes,” she breathed regrettably. “And while I meant it, I am still terribly angry that it turned out to be true. I wish I never allowed you to fight with us.”

“I’m not yours to take care of, and I made my own decision,” Triss told her strongly as she pushed herself to a seated position against the pillows, although mostly to put a little space between them. “And I’m not Yennefer’s either, before you turn this all around and blame her instead. I have no one to blame other than myself, so I’d appreciate if you’d not martyr yourself for my cause. Whose fault it is makes very little difference now; what’s done is done, and there’s no going back.”

“And hiding yourself away is how you plan to move forwards?” Philippa countered, and Triss’ gaze hit the sheets in shame. “I don’t care that you’re not in Temeria’s court anymore, Triss; but I _do_ care that you’re letting your talents go to waste.”

“What am I supposed to do now?” Triss countered helplessly. “Most people still think I’m _dead._ When they realize I’m not they’re going to think I betrayed Foltest and faked my death, which will make every other king hesitant to include me in their court. My time as a royal advisor is over, and I don’t have anything left. My entire life burned to ash that night. How I am supposed to rebuild from that?”

Philippa looked at her pointedly, then silently gestured to herself. Triss rolled her eyes.

“And what exactly are you going to do? I can’t serve Redania as a Temerian, there’s so much political distrust right now with everyone fearing that other countries are going to start aligning with Nilfgaard just so they don’t get invaded and overtaken. They’ll think I’m a spy. King Vizimir would never allow it.”

“Believe me, Vizimir is a non-factor, but I wasn’t talking about placing you in Redania,” Philippa responded, as though that should have been obvious. “I wasn’t even talking about placing you _anywhere; _instead, I could sell your reputation to the Council. You fought bravely in Sodden and survived, Triss. That means something. You may have a place with us, so allow me some time to see if that’s the case. I promised you once that if you were loyal to me I would reward that. Let me try to keep that promise, at least.”

Triss pursed her lips, wondering if the Council would even consider someone her age. Still, Philippa looked adamant about helping her, so Triss nodded in agreement. “Alright. You can try,” she allowed, because she _did_ need something. The more she hid herself away, the more she felt useless; to herself, to others. She didn’t want to feel that way anymore.

Philippa responded with a small smile, glad that Triss was receptive to the idea at least. She looked at her for a long while before she finally tore her eyes away from her, tucking her long braid over her shoulder before she stood from the bed. “I need to change,” she told her. “I trust you won’t have an issue with me doing so, considering you’ve seemed to take over my room. Or are you going to ask me to step out to do it?”

Triss rolled her eyes in bemusement. “I’m not going to kick you out of your own bedroom, Phil. Do what you want.”

“And what do _you_ want, pet?” Philippa asked her. The underlying suggestiveness was not lost on Triss and despite herself she felt the familiar burning in the pit of her stomach at the other woman’s smoldering gaze.

Still, Triss was adamant about where she was in regards to something like that. “I’d like for you to listen to me when I tell you I’m not ready.” Because while her _body _seemed to crave Philippa very much, she just wasn’t emotionally or mentally there yet.

“I heard you. I’m not asking to bed you, I’m merely asking if you’d like a show. If you don’t, I will not take it to heart. I just wanted to let you know that there are other ways to pursue a sexual relationship without _sex._ That is, if you’re still interested.”

Triss’ insides tightened, and there was very much a part of her that wished to see exactly what Philippa had in mind. But there was also a part of her that knew she needed something more than that. They had danced around the issue for far too long, and Triss didn’t want to keep getting caught in the same trap that got them all tangled up in the first place. “And what if I don’t just want a sexual relationship?” she asked softly, tentatively. She was still so terrified that Philippa would back up from her again, but this time, the other woman did not move.

“Then I would remind you that there are other ways to pursue that too,” Philippa told her, voice equally soft. The sincerity in her eyes made Triss’ heart flutter in her chest. “If that’s what you truly want.”

“I want to know what _you_ want.”

Philippa looked at her for a long moment before she finally crossed the distance between them, her hand cupping the back of her lover’s neck before she brought her in for a passionate kiss that stole the breath from Triss’ lungs. But Triss needed more than something nonverbal, so when they broke she begged against her lips, her eyes still closed and heart thumping beneath her ribcage, “Words.”

“Triss…”

“Please.”

Philippa exhaled a hard breath, gently leaning her forehead against the other woman’s. Her hand was still tangled in the hair at the base of Triss’ neck, and when she spoke her words were almost defensive, yet so very real. “I want you. I _missed_ you, pet. I’ve never missed anyone before. Tell me that’s enough.”

“It’s enough,” Triss responded, because she knew that was the best Philippa could offer her, and that was okay. She touched the other woman’s face, her fingers dragging down the contour of her lover’s cheek. “It’s more than enough. Thank you,” she breathed, her eyes searching Philippa’s as she spoke her own truth in turn. “I missed you too. I swear I’ll never run from you again.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

That hurt, but Triss knew Philippa didn’t have a reason to believe her, as this had happened more than once now. So instead Triss swallowed hard and nodded her understanding, respecting Philippa’s wish for her to not vocalize things like that. Instead, she vowed to show her. She kissed her again as she let down her wards, allowing Philippa to feel the truth of how she felt. Philippa climbed on top of her as she allowed her own wards to fall, and the depth and complexity of their shared emotions was overwhelming. The desperation, the fear, and the passion that they felt collided in their kiss, and Triss struggled to find her breath as Philippa sought to drink up all that she was.

“Take off your clothes,” Triss begged as she began to get caught up in the feeling. Philippa’s lips had fallen to her neck and Triss’ hand tightened desperately in her hair as she held her. She still wasn’t ready to have sex with her, but the other woman was right in reminding her that there were other ways to be intimate, and Triss wanted to experience them. “I want that show you promised me.”

She could feel Philippa smirk against her skin before she lifted her head, placing her lips against Triss’ ear. “Would you like to be in the audience, or be the director of this little play?”

Triss bit down on her bottom lip. “Audience,” she decided, but was quick to amend with, “For now. I may get impatient with you.”

Philippa chuckled, but slid off of the other woman and backed up until she was about a foot away from the bed. She pressed her tongue against her teeth as she smirked, knowing exactly what she was about to do to the other woman and reveling in her power prematurely. Triss would have called her out on her arrogance, but when Philippa’s fingers found the clasps on her doublet she made a big showing of undoing each one, and Triss was captivated. Perhaps she did have a reason to be cocky after all, but Triss didn’t want her _knowing_ that and so she tried to keep her expression neutral as she watched her.

She failed miserably.

Philippa continued her tortuously slow removal of her clothing until she stood before her in just an undershirt and her panties. “Take out your hair,” Triss requested breathlessly, missing the way the other woman’s long hair would frame her face, gently crimped by the braids she kept in all day. It was easily one of the most breathtaking sights she had ever seen, and she wished to indulge in the view once more.

Philippa smirked in amusement. “I thought you just wanted to be in the audience.”

“Just do what I say,” Triss demanded, beginning to feel a little more confident in their relationship. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough, and Philippa indulged her wish as she began to undo her braids. When the last pieces of hair were untwisted she shook out her hair, allowing it to tumble over her shoulders. Triss inhaled a sharp breath.

“Now your underwear.”

Philippa smirked at Triss’ newfound desire to dictate, but her fingers hooked around her panties before she slowly slid them down her thighs. When they pooled on the ground she stepped away from them, and the fact that her undershirt hung just low enough to cover her mound was a delicious tease that made Triss get terribly wet with anticipation.

“Any more requests?”

Philippa's tone was teasing, but Triss, having found her confidence once more, barely cared. She was riding a high she never thought she’d feel again as she instructed breathlessly, “Sit on the end of the bed. Face me. I want to be able to see all of you.”

The other woman followed her guidance and settled herself against the backboard. She still had her undershirt on but that was what made it sexier when she spread her legs for her, giving Triss exactly what she wanted. She was visibly aroused and Triss’ insides clenched as her own undergarments began to grow sticky with desire. A part of her so badly wished to just bury her face between Philippa’s thighs, but that would open floodgates that Triss wasn’t certain she could close, so she did not move even though her desire caused the base of her abdomen to ache in need.

“I’m waiting.”

“You know what I want,” Triss retorted, her cheeks beginning to flush a light pink as she got more aroused. She couldn’t stop staring at her, her gaze fixated between her thighs. Philippa looked absolutely _delicious,_ and Triss’ fingers began to play with the edge of her own panties beneath the sheets. She was absolutely going to fuck herself while Philippa did the same, but she wasn’t sure she was ready for her lover to see that yet either. For now, it was enough that she was beginning to feel desirable again, as Philippa looked at her like she wanted nothing more than to eat her alive.

Her restraint was rather incredible, honestly.

“Say it.”

Triss’ breathing shallowed, and although she thought she might be a little embarrassed with having to voice her blunt instruction, she found that even with their time apart, she was still comfortable enough with Philippa to do so. “Touch yourself,” she told her, the excitement growing in the pit of her abdomen. “Look at me while you do it.”

Philippa licked her lips in anticipation, but it was her words that did something to Triss more than anything else. “I’d never look anywhere else, pet.”

And true to her word, she did not. Philippa held her lover’s gaze as she allowed her hand to fall between her thighs, coating her fingers with her own desire before she began to move them in small circles against her clit. Triss watched her for a long time as she practically squirmed with desire, the dull ache in her abdomen growing with each passing moment. Eventually, the need to touch herself overshadowed all else, and Triss removed her underwear while still underneath the sheets before throwing them across the room. She half-expected Philippa to ask her to allow her to watch what she was about to do, but she did not. Instead she continued her show as she allowed Triss to respond in a way she felt comfortable with.

The first touch of her fingers against her sex caused Triss to groan, her gaze still fixated between the other woman’s legs. Philippa responded to that by spreading herself open for her with her ring and forefinger, purposefully clenching and relaxing a few times to allow Triss a better view of her desire for her. During this she still did not allow her gaze to rest anywhere but on Triss’ face, even when it was obvious that the younger woman’s hand was working desperately against her clit beneath the sheets.

“Fuck, Phil—” Triss panted desperately, unable to fathom how the woman was drawing this out so much when she felt as though she might very well burst if she didn’t come soon. “Taste yourself.”

Philippa dipped her fingers inside of herself. When she removed them she brought them to her lips, her desire coating them all the way to the knuckles. Triss whimpered desperately as she watched Philippa slide them into her mouth without breaking eye contact, and Triss’ hand worked a little more furiously against her sex as she flushed a deep rose and panted out her pleasure. Philippa smirked at the reaction she caused, her hand falling back between her thighs.

“You’re going to make me work to catch up,” she noted, but Philippa had years on her, and had gotten to know her own body very well in that time. It did not take long until both women were desperately hanging on to the edge and Triss, who had finally grown too hot underneath the damned covers, threw them off of her. She still had her night shirt on, she still had her chest covered, so it was enough. Besides, the way Philippa groaned in approval once she got a look at what Triss was actually doing was unparalleled in what it did for Triss’ need to feel desired. She spread her legs further for her, giving Philippa as much of a show as she was getting, and soon both women were leaning against opposite ends of the bed, panting and sweating and spent.

Triss closed her eyes as she leaned her head back against the headboard, her breathing uneven as she rode out her high. She never thought she would feel like this again, and maybe it still wasn’t anything close to how it was before, but it was a good start. It was a _much needed_ start, and Triss couldn’t believe she almost walked out on the other woman again. She really needed to stop being so utterly stupid because, as it turned out, Philippa might be the cure to her ailments after all.

The mattress compressed as Philippa settled in next to her. “Stay,” she requested in a hoarse tone, having strained her voice a little during her performance. It sounded so incredibly sexy.

“I already said I would. Besides, it’s late; I’m not going anywhere at this time of night.”

“No,” Philippa corrected softly, and the shift in her tone caused Triss to open her eyes as she looked at the other woman, her brow furrowed. “For longer than just a night.”

_Oh._

That was… a bigger gesture than Triss was expecting from her, and because she didn’t really know how to answer for a moment, she just stared at the other woman in surprise. That seemed to fluster Philippa a little. “I’m _not_ asking you to live with me, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

“Then you should probably specify what you mean,” Triss responded, as that had made her heart beat wildly in her chest in both excitement and crippling anxiety. It was an odd mix.

“I meant one night with you isn’t enough. I didn’t contemplate much beyond that, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t ask for a specific time frame.”

Philippa was getting awfully defensive and Triss didn’t want to make her feel like she had to protect herself with that, so she reached out and tangled their fingers together before she rolled on her side to better face her lover. “I’ll stay as long as you want,” she softly promised, bringing Philippa’s hand to her lips for a gentle kiss. The other woman noticeably relaxed, and Triss smiled.

Maybe there was hope for things to return to normal after all.

**TBC…**


	19. XIX.

**XIX.**

“Phil, we— we _eat_ on this table!”

“And that is exactly what I plan to do,” Philippa responded mischievously, having already backed Triss up enough that she was forced to get up on the dining room table. Triss was absolutely exasperated by that answer, but she was also _incredibly_ turned on so she didn’t stop her lover when she hiked up her dress and pulled her undergarments from her thighs.

It did not take long for their sex life to evolve past merely pleasuring themselves while the other watched. Triss was still not comfortable enough to show Philippa her chest, but the other woman was patient about it. So long as she got access to _other_ parts of her body, she did not seem to mind the wait for Triss to feel secure enough in their relationship to break that final barrier. She was getting there, but despite her fear dissipating that Philippa would run from her if she saw it, there was still something holding Triss back. She just needed time, but Philippa was giving it to her.

“_Fuck— _you are throwing out this table when we’re done!” Triss gasped as Philippa’s mouth wrapped around the apex of her thighs. The other woman chuckled against her, the vibrations making Triss groan as she arched her back, tangled her hands in her hair and stared at the chandelier above her. As much as she enjoyed their spontaneous love making sessions all over Montecalvo, she definitely did not wish to dine at a table that she was ravaged on top of.

Triss had resided there for months now, neither woman bringing up the possibility of her leaving. At least, not yet. The reason Triss had put careful effort into her appearance today was the hope that it would soften the blow when she revealed that she had to spend some time apart from her. It wasn’t that Triss wanted to, and she _hated_ the thought of leaving because she was so happy here, but she had a promise to keep, and partly due to how guilty she felt, Triss needed to uphold it. It was the least she could do.

Apparently, her desire to distract Philippa with her attire worked a little _too_ well though, and now Triss was gasping and swearing as her fingers tangled in her lover’s hair, her fingernails scraping desperately against Philippa’s scalp. She was approaching the precipice when she allowed her head to roll to the side, the coolness of the surface of the table contrasting with the heat of her flushed cheeks. She opened her eyes and saw one of Philippa’s menservants watching them from around the threshold and Triss exhaled a sound of disgust before she threw out her hand, magically hurling him down the hallway.

Philippa did something _amazing_ with her tongue then, and Triss’ eyes fell closed as she tensed and came for her, her thighs quaking around the other woman’s ears.

“You need to do something about that peeping tom,” Triss breathlessly told her after she had come down, her chest heaving beneath her dress. She forced herself into a seated position and Philippa moved out from between her thighs to look at her. “This is the second time I’ve caught him watching us!”

Philippa, apparently, had not noticed, but her face darkened.

“Which one?”

“The blonde one.”

“Consider it handled,” she told her as she stepped away, holding out her hand to help Triss slide off the table. When her feet landed on the ground she straightened out her dress and ran her fingers through her hair, trying to look a little more put together. Once she was finished she smirked as she reached out, wiping her own desire from her lover’s chin.

“I hope your enjoyed your snack, because it was an expensive one. I’m serious about the table.”

Philippa merely looked amused. “You think you’ve earned redecorating privileges, have you?”

“Come on— it’s gross!”

“Fine, if it’ll appease you. But I do hope you’re aware it’s entirely your fault— you know what that dress does to me,” Philippa responded, but the guilty look on Triss’ face made that sentence really click in her head and she stared at her. “You _do_ know what that dress does to me,” she reiterated, realizing that this was all premeditated. “…And you wore it for a reason.”

“Please don’t be mad—”

“Terrible start, but continue.”

Philippa had folded her arms across her chest as she looked at the younger woman, already getting defensive. Triss internally berated herself. This was exactly what she was trying to avoid. “I need to leave for a little while,” she told her regrettably. “I promised Geralt—”

“_Geralt?”_ Philippa repeated incredulously. To be honest, Triss was still surprised that Geralt had contacted her at all considering how they left things, but she also knew things between him and Yennefer were not great at the moment, and she was no doubt his only option for sorceresses. “Yennefer’s witcher?”

“Yes.”

“What the hell does_ he_ want?” The way Philippa stressed his pronoun sounded as though she regarded him as no more than an annoying flea that was inconveniencing her.

“A favor,” the younger woman stressed, but that was the extent of her explanation. “That’s all I can tell you right now, I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you where I was going, or what I was doing, or even how long I’ll be gone, but I can’t. He was very adamant about secrecy, and I owe it to him to respect that.”

“You _owe_ it to him,” Philippa repeated. Her eyes narrowed. “Why?”

Triss instantly flushed in shame, the disgust with what she had done nearly consuming her, and Philippa laughed as she realized _exactly_ what she had done. “And you have the nerve to judge me for Siggy. Tell me, how did Yennefer react when she found out you fucked her favorite toy?”

“It wasn’t like that!” Triss exclaimed, her chest constricting as she began to grow upset. “It was after Sodden, and he was meant to be a safe option for me, but I didn’t— I didn’t _feel_ safe, or wanted, or anything, and I… I did something to him that I am not proud of. I’m trying to make up for that, so please don't make me feel worse about it. I _don’t_ want to talk about it, and I most certainly am not going to him to continue our brief-lived affair, so you have nothing to be worried about, even though I am quite certain that in my absence you won’t keep _your _bed empty in return.”

“Are you asking me to?” Philippa queried, the expression on her face unreadable. Triss hated that she was so good at that.

“No, I don’t— I don’t care. Honestly,” Triss responded exasperatedly, because she was so far past that. Philippa’s emotional loyalty was the only thing she wanted, and she had that. In the end, nothing else mattered. “I know you have women you’ve practically abandoned in favor of me these past few months, and I don’t want you to lose the advantages they’ve given you because of me.”

“‘Practically’ is not ‘completely,’ pet; albeit infrequently, I have made a point to keep up with those who mattered, so don’t concern yourself over it. I will not lose any standing with them.”

Triss had known Philippa continued her affairs, obviously. But she had used the word ‘practically’ for a reason; she knew it was not often, and she also knew that those women were no doubt expecting more from her. Once upon a time Triss might have been jealous, but her own life experiences had convinced Triss that sometimes things like that were a necessary evil. Besides, it wasn’t as though she planned to be sexually faithful either should the right opportunity arise. So in the end, what bothered her about Philippa’s affairs were small, stupid things, and not the fact that she was having them at all.

Small, stupid things like: “Speaking of, tell the one with horrible perfume to throw that shit out – even after your bath, you still stunk horribly when you crawled into bed that night, and I will not endure that again.” Honestly, it was terrible. All that money and no taste _– _it was barbaric.

Philippa smirked. “Oh? And what do you prefer I smell like, pet?”

Triss grabbed the woman’s doublet, roughly pulling Philippa toward her to collide their lips for a brief kiss that ended with a bite to her lower lip. Philippa hissed in pain, but as she enjoyed it, she smiled against her lips. Triss mirrored that smile in return as she kept her grip on her, not allowing her to step away. But eventually her smile faded, her heart weighing heavy as her eyes searched the woman’s she had spent every day of the last few months with. “I’ll miss you,” Triss breathed, letting go of the woman’s doublet to gently touch her face. She smirked in amusement as she finished, “I’ll miss making you smell like me.”

Philippa turned her face to gently kiss the other woman’s palm. “I’ll miss more than that,” she admitted, and Triss’ chest surged with emotion. She had not expected that kind of honesty. Her eyes crinkled and the expression on her face made Philippa sigh heavily. “Don’t cry. They were just words.”

“They were more than that, and you know it.”

Philippa looked at her with exasperated affection, gently catching the one tear Triss had shed with her thumb before wiping it away. She did not confirm Triss’ declaration, but that didn’t matter. Triss knew how she felt without needing her to spell it out. “I’m not angry with you for needing to leave,” Philippa finally told her. “I know you need to feel as though you’re moving forwards, and you’re not doing that here. If only the Council didn’t take an obnoxiously long time to deliberate _anything_ I would already have a better place for you, but until then I suppose I cannot expect you to just stand still.”

“They usually take this long?” Triss questioned. That made her feel a little bit better at least, as she knew it wasn’t just because it was _her._

“We all need to agree on a stance to pass the motion. As you can imagine, that happens very infrequently,” Philippa revealed, a sour look on her face. She no doubt wished to have the power to overrule them. “There are some of us that feel you’re still too young, despite your accomplishments. For once however, Yennefer and I are standing on the same side, which is odd, to say the least. Usually we oppose one another rather vehemently.”

Well, that came as no surprise.

“But you think they’ll change their minds?”

“Eventually, yes. But I promise you if it takes too long I’ll find something else for you,” Philippa told her, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind Triss' ear. Her lips upturned into a small smile, but it was tinged with disappointment. “I know the projects we work on together aren’t enough for you.”

Triss slid her hands down the other woman’s arms before she tangled Philippa’s fingers in her own. “You know I enjoy them,” she reiterated softly, because she _did. _With their combined magic they were able to do so much that would otherwise be impossible, but that couldn’t be all her life was. “I just need something more.”

“And gallivanting off with a mutant is going to give you that, is it?”

Triss rolled her eyes. “No. But again, this is just a favor. Still, I think I need to be… elsewhere, for a little while. I’ve been a shut-in for far too long.” She gently squeezed Philippa’s hands in her own before letting them go. “I’ll be back. I’ll_ always _come back to you, Phil. I think you know that much by now.”

Because whether Triss wanted to or not, it seemed destiny always intervened and she found her way back into the arms of Philippa Eilhart. And no matter how many places she saw or how many things she had done, there was no where else in the world that Triss would want to be at the end of it all.

[x]

“Triss? I mean— Miss Merigold?”

“You may call me Triss, as I’ve said. Vesemir has no say on how you address me; that decision lies with me.”

“Okay,” Ciri responded, smiling at being granted a more casual address. Although Triss had never really had an interest in, or felt the need to even interact with children, she liked Ciri. The girl was smart and capable and so very determined, although sometimes she could push herself too hard despite better judgment. Triss could not believe the young thing endured such vigorous and dangerous training while suffering the ill effects of _menstruating, _but then again, Kaer Morhen had never been a place for women, and the men who resided there certainly knew nothing of how difficult it could be to be one.

Ciri was thankful for her short reprieve from training while she was “indisposed” however, and though she rubbed the base of her abdomen from time to time, there wasn’t much more indication that she was feeling under the weather. She sat cross-legged on the opposite side of the table that Triss was working at, her butt on the surface instead of in a chair. Triss did not mind as she did not need much space, and she continued to mix a potion to cure Ciri of her cramps. Just because the girl _could_ ignore them, did not mean that she should when there were ways to help her.

“Triss? Have you ever been in love?” Ciri queried, and Triss’ lips quirked in amusement as she placed another ingredient in her cauldron. It turned a deep green, the smell no longer as foul as it had been when she began. Still, it was not quite ready yet. Although Triss could not drink potions herself due to her allergy, she had been told the taste left something to be desired, so she wished to rectify that.

“Do you feel as though you’re becoming a woman now that you’ve bled?” Triss asked, her tone gently teasing as she picked up some flaxseed, knowing the phytoestrogens in it would be useful. “Is _that_ why you ask?”

“No. I mean, maybe,” Ciri responded, looking a little flustered. It was endearing, but Triss also did not want the girl to romanticize adulthood too early. She had so much of her childhood left to experience, even if it was to be an unconventional one.

“Because bleeding only indicates that you are able to bear children; not that you are ready to, nor that you are emotionally ready to fall in love,” Triss told her as she caught her gaze, her tone serious. “It will be quite some time until you’re there, little one.”

“I know. I just— I was just thinking, if I_ have_ to be a woman, then I want you to tell me about the good things. Falling in love is supposed to be good, right? I used to hear girls giggling about it in the castle. Women too! Old ones, even.”

Triss dropped a honeycomb in the cauldron. It sizzled and popped. She wanted to indulge Ciri’s curiosity, though she didn’t feel like she had much experience on the subject. Triss took a moment and thought about how to answer.

“The first time you think you’re experiencing love, it most likely will not be love at all,” Triss finally revealed as she stirred the potion. “I was not much older than you when I first thought I fell in love. I gave myself to a boy I barely knew and it was… well, what I _thought _I had always wanted until, just as suddenly, it wasn’t. When you’re young everything feels so intense and so _real_ that it’s hard to see an infatuation for what it is, but it’s fleeting—chemical. Love lasts, and it’s much more than sex; if you remember nothing else of what I tell you, remember that. It will save you a lot of heartbreak in the future.”

Ciri wrinkled her nose. “I don’t think I’ll ever want something like that.”

“You may not, and that is okay too.”

Ciri nodded, hopefully understanding that she did not have to grow up and do what everyone else was, just because she thought she was supposed to. Triss did not want that for her. “Triss?” she asked suddenly, looking back up at the woman across from her.

“Mm?”

“How do you know when it’s real?”

Triss pursed her lips, looking down at her potion. “You just do,” she told her softly, because she _knew. _Triss had known for quite a long time, but had never allowed herself to mentally accept it, let alone say it aloud. Just saying _that_ was the closest she had ever gotten, and her chest tightened as her stomach did flips at the thought of the woman she had left waiting for her.

“Come, you need to drink this,” Triss instructed as a way to change the subject. She dipped a mug into the potion, only filling it with a sip or two. That would be more than sufficient for a couple hours of relief, and this way Ciri would have more when she needed it. She held it out to the girl in offering and Ciri exhaled a small sigh as she scooted her butt off the table.

“That wasn’t a real answer,” she complained, but took the mug in her hands.

“Perhaps not, but it is the best one I have for you,” Triss told her, gently gesturing for her to drink up. Ciri did as she expected, but pulled a face at the taste. Still not any better then; Triss would have to work on that. “Love is not something I had experienced until very recently, and I didn’t ‘fall’ for her so much as I just woke up one day and realized she was already in my heart. Sometimes, it sneaks up on you.”

“Wait—_ her?”_ Ciri asked as she perked up, the bad taste of the potion instantly forgotten. “You can do that? You don’t have to fall in love with a boy?”

Triss laughed. “Of course you can do that. Love can be for anyone, so long as they deserve it.”

Ciri’s eyes widened as a whole other world opened up to her. “Oh,” she breathed with a smile. It looked like her mind was racing with possibilities, and Triss smiled softly. “I think I’d like that much better.”

Triss reached down, affectionately ruffling the girl’s ashen hair. “I do too, little one,” she told her with a grin, realizing that she really was happier than she had ever been. “I do too.”

[x]

“No.”

“What do you mean, _no?” _Triss asked, both flabbergasted and _offended_ by Philippa’s refusal. She had finally made her way back to Montecalvo after nearly a year of being gone, and while at first everything was wonderful and amazing again, suddenly Philippa was inexplicably distancing herself, and Triss did not understand _why._ She was fairly certain it had something to do with the upcoming banquet though, because ever since Triss had brought it up, Philippa had been trying to distract her with other things she could do that night. Finally, however, she straight-out refused to bring her instead of dancing around the issue, and Triss was _mad._

“You will bring me to Thanedd, otherwise I will have _Yennefer_ bring me _–_ those are your only two choices. After all, you are not the only one who supports my position to join the Council, and it was _her _who told me about the gathering in the first place.”

Which was surprising in and of itself, as Yennefer was _not_ happy at first that Triss had gone behind her back and seen Geralt. Now that she had met Ciri though, her fury had lessened significantly, and she understood why Triss had gone. She still wasn’t _pleased_ by any means_, _but at least she wasn’t accusing her of trying to sleep with him again, although mostly because Triss had convinced her that she _wasn’t_ by blurting out how in love she was with Philippa.

At this very moment though, it was hard to remember _why._

Philippa pinched the bridge of her nose. “It’s a boring party— I fail to see why it interests you so much.”

“It _interests_ me because you clearly do not want me there,” Triss responded bluntly as she folded her arms over her chest. “What aren’t you telling me? And I swear, if you say ‘nothing’, I will not hesitate to turn you into a moth so I can watch you repeatedly bang your face on the glass of my lantern.”

Despite herself, Philippa snorted at her idea of punishment. “Creative.”

“Thank you.”

Triss stared at her as she waited for an explanation. Finally, Philippa relented with a sigh. “This gathering will not be a harmonious one,” she revealed. “There are traitors among us, and while the Northern supporters wish to weed them out with as little violence as possible, I cannot guarantee that you will be safe should you accompany me. I do not wish to have a repeat of Sodden.”

Triss’ stomach tightened into knots. While she understood Philippa’s hesitancy to include her, it in no way made her feel good. It made her feel small, useless. That was _not_ who she wanted to be anymore. “Do you think me _weak?_ Is that it?”

“No, of course not—”

“If something happens you’ll need all the support you can get, yet you want to leave me _here_, where I can do nothing but wait and worry? I’m not some helpless maiden nor a scared child, Philippa! How fucking _dare _you, honestly—”

“It’s not about _you, _alright?” Philippa snapped. “You are _not_ the only one who Sodden affected. I know you are capable, and I know you wish to help me, but you are my weakness, Triss. I cannot do what I need to do if I am constantly worried about you. I need you to understand that.”

“No, what _you_ need to understand is that I am adult capable of making my own decisions. Just as you’re concerned what will happen to me if I’m there, I’ll be concerned about what will happen to _you_ if I’m not. I will never let you fight alone, Phil. Never.” Triss took another step towards her then, her expression grave as she reminded her, “And I shouldn’t be your _weakness_; caring about someone doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human. Besides, we’ve always been stronger together than we are apart, or have you forgotten?”

Philippa exhaled a resigned breath. “…Of course I haven’t forgotten, pet.”

“Then if the North needs allies, you _have_ one,” Triss told her strongly. The prospect of another battle worried her, but she refused to run scared. She was through with running from anything anymore. “You have a much better chance at succeeding with another mage on your side. Please,” Triss pleaded, cupping the other woman’s cheek in her hand as she searched her eyes. “Please tell me you believe me. That you believe _in_ me. I can help you, I promise.”

Philippa looked at her for a long time, her brow creased as a range of emotions played out across her face. “I believe you,” she finally said, her tone so much softer than Triss had though she had ever heard it. “You may come, but do not leave my side. That is all I ask.”

“Not wanting to leave your side was the reason I wanted to come in the first place,” Triss admitted in a whisper, her thumb tracing the contour of her lover’s cheek. For such a hardened woman, Philippa was soft where it mattered. “Because I’m never going to. Not anymore. Is that okay with you?”

Philippa exhaled a small breath as she placed her hand against the one pressed to her cheek. “For awhile now, it seems,” she answered in a resigned tone, as though she was just now realizing what that really meant, and that she had no way of escaping it anymore even if she wanted to.

But she didn’t. Neither of them did… for awhile now.

**TBC…**


	20. XX.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who gave kudos and reviewed! I hope you guys enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Now let’s just pray the Netflix gives us proper Phil/Triss content! (or just Phil content in general I guess hahaha I’m still dying inside bye)

**XX.**

Everything changed after Thanedd.

The Brotherhood of Sorcerers had disbanded, the Council along with it. Most of the members had either betrayed them, were dead, or had disappeared _– _Yennefer included. Ciri was missing as well, and Triss hoped that Yennefer had disappeared in order to find her, because she could not bear all this talk about her dearest friend siding with Vilgefortz and being a traitor to the North. She knew that it wasn’t true, she _knew_ that it wasn’t, but even Philippa seemed skeptical _– _although the woman knew better than to voice such an accusation out loud. She was aware that Triss would not take it well.

To make matters worse, because of what had happened, mages were largely disgraced. The violent quarrel between them had caused the confidence kings had in them to wane, and many were expelled from their courts. It had been a long time coming, as the Northern rulers were becoming concerned with the amount of political power that their mages had, and began cutting them out of important communications, choosing to use the older and much _slower_ method of sending royal messengers to and from kingdoms instead of allowing the mages to just portal to one another. Triss had no doubt that if she had stayed in Foltest’s court she would have been cast out, as last she heard Keira was banished from Temeria on the king’s orders.

Philippa was much luckier in that regard than most mages. King Vizimir was assassinated the night before the coup, and while Triss was fairly certain that had been her doing, she found it better not to ask. It kept Philippa safer if no one knew the truth, although with the threat of Nilfgaard on the horizon, Triss doubted anyone was planning to look into Vizimir’s death anymore than was necessary. Still, Triss kept her curiosity to herself and instead sought to enjoy the benefits that Philippa’s newfound position alloted them both. Although Vizimir’s widow Hedwig of Malleore ‘officially’ ruled the kingdom until such time that Radovid V came of age, in truth it was the Regency Council _–_ headed by Philippa and Dijkstra _–_ who ruled Redania, as Queen Hedwig had never had an interest in politics and was afraid Redania would come to ruin under her own inexperienced hand.

Although it was probably terribly cliche, something about Philippa having all that power just _did_ something to Triss, and she began to teasingly call her her “King” while in the privacy of their own home, because apparently Triss just _lived_ there now. It wasn’t something that was explicitly offered or was even properly acknowledged, but Triss never returned to her tower in Maribor and Philippa had never asked her to leave, so now they shared a life and bedroom and practically everything else, including the inability to voice the truth of how they felt about one another.

Triss wanted to though. There were so many times she almost said the words to her, only to have them die in the back of her throat. Mentally she could accept that she was in love with Philippa, but for some reason there was still this barrier between them that she was having a hard time overcoming despite knowing _exactly_ what it was. What was worse was that Triss was tentatively ready to take the next step, but now she was plagued with doubts that Philippa even wanted to. The other woman seemed perfectly content with fucking her with her scars covered, and while that was what made Triss comfortable for a long time, she was beginning to realize that she _needed_ Philippa to see who she really was underneath it all, otherwise the love she felt for her would feel like a lie, as what was love without trust?

It had been so long that Triss did not know how to approach the subject, and her fear of rejection was such that even if she did, she wasn’t even sure she could bring herself to voice it. Triss knew that she had to stop obsessing over it and just _do_ it, but it just never seemed like the right time.

“You would look good in a crown,” Triss mused after she had watched Philippa deliberate and demand to the actual Queen of Redania. It really was too bad that Philippa had to lurk in the shadows politically, instead of sitting on the throne that was hers in all but name. Triss knew that was how Philippa preferred it though, and as the woman approached her she leaned down, placing her lips against her lover’s ear.

“You would look_ far _better, pet.”

Triss smirked as she slid her hand into Philippa’s, walking backwards as she led her from the throne room while simultaneously casting a portal back to their home. While she enjoyed that she was casually allowed in Tretogor Palace now, Triss would always prefer Montecalvo to anywhere else, and now that Philippa’s business had concluded, she wished to spend the rest of their night together. Triss wanted _tonight_ to be the night, although she still had yet to formulate a proper plan in that regard. The setting was about as far as she had gotten.

“I’m not the one practically ruling a kingdom,” Triss reminded her as they stepped through the portal to find themselves in the dimly-lit parlor, the flickering light of the fireplace casting shadows of their figures on the walls. The portal closed and it was Philippa’s turn to lead, finding a seat on the settee near the warmth of the flames, gently pulling her lover towards her until she encouraged Triss to sit astride her lap.

“No, but every King needs their Queen,” Philippa reasoned, her fingertips gliding across the younger woman’s cheekbone before getting lost at the nape of her neck. Her touch was gentle yet possessive, and Triss shuddered at the feeling.

However, she couldn’t help herself and smirked around her retort, “I thought that was what Dijkstra was for.”

Philippa snorted, and Triss collapsed into laughter herself as she gently leaned her forehead against the other woman’s. When her amusement subsided Triss gently bit down on her bottom lip as she played with the hem of the other woman’s doublet. She shifted atop her lap, yet did not move off of it; Triss just wanted to feel comfortable, but realize it may not be her position after all.

“What is it?” Philippa asked, reading her lover’s body language.

“You’re staying in tonight, right?” Triss asked, suddenly realizing she had made plans without ever realizing if Philippa was free. Normally she would not care if the other woman had lovers to attend to or something else that did not involve her, as Triss was beginning to expand her own life outside of Philippa as well, but there was still this unspoken agreement that their relationship was to come first above all others, and Triss hoped that Philippa would recognize and respect that, as she had never really called in her chit before now.

“Would you like me to?”

Triss nodded, suddenly feeling a little self conscious. She desperately wished she did not, as she didn’t want to be that person anymore, but this was a _big_ thing for her, and it was natural to be a little nervous. Thankfully, Philippa did not hesitate nor question why before she dropped everything for her. It was as though she did not fathom any other option, and Triss immensely appreciated that.

“Then I will rearrange my schedule,” she told her. Her brow creased and Philippa reached up, gently placing her fingers under the younger woman’s chin. “Look at me, pet. You seem nervous.”

Triss wanted to say it, yet once again the words died in the back of her throat and she hated herself for that. “I’m fine,” she lied instead, forcing a small smile as she looked down at the woman beneath her. “Tell me about your day.”

Philippa’s expression indicated that she was more than aware that Triss was lying to her, but she allowed the distraction for a moment as she gently ran her hands over the other woman’s thighs. “As interesting as the status of the Attre rebellion and its relation to Redanian concerns no doubt is to you, I actually have an idea to run by you… if you are interested in hearing it.”

“Oh?”

“Mm,” Philippa murmured, lightly drumming her fingertips against the young woman’s leg. “The status of mages on the Continent is concerning me. Although I have personally retained my power, many have lost everything, and there is only so much I can do alone. I also promised _you_ something greater than being the unofficial mage of my court, and have yet to deliver on that promise. I want to rectify that.”

Triss’ brow creased in interest, her nerves forgotten in wake of the shift in conversation. “How?”

“Our biggest mistake, as mages, was to serve kings,” Philippa told her. “Even if we had our own agendas, we still actively served another’s, and what has it gotten us? Cast out, mistrusted, _dead_ _–_ fighting wars that are not our own. We are of a different breed than them, and it’s high time we change the world to reflect that. Unfortunately, we cannot rid ourselves of royalty and the power they hold, but should we have someone with magical abilities on the throne to protect our own interests, we could begin to mold the Continent in our own image. First, however, we need to find like-minded allies, because without more of us, we can achieve very little in that regard.”

“You wish to reform the Chapter?” Triss asked disbelievingly. Thanedd had divided mages quite terribly, and she doubted the current political situation would allow such an alliance to be rebuilt.

“Not quite.”

The crease in Triss’ brow deepened.

“The Brotherhood fell for a reason, and I don't want a repeat of the past. Men are are quick to allow their emotions to guide them towards rash decisions, which in turn negatively effect us all. I’d prefer they not be a part of this.”

Triss wasn’t surprised by that, given Philippa’s favoritism toward the fairer sex. Still, she did have a point: men and their egos, their power trips… they did cause quite a bit of unrest that could have been avoided if only preceded by rational thought.

“I also want to blur the lines between the North and the South. Mages should stand on the same side no matter where they hail from.”

_That_ caused Triss’ eyes to widen. Political unrest ran rampant throughout the Continent, and mages were no exception to it. “That… will be a much harder sell.”

“I’m aware, which is why I believe it more feasible should we gather a small group of mages first and then cautiously expand our ranks,” Philippa suggested, and Triss found herself in agreement. She was tired of fighting men’s wars for little to no respect. Perhaps Philippa was right _– _perhaps it was time one of their own was on the throne. Maybe then mages would be treated as they were meant to be. “I’d ask for a recommendation from you, but I believe I already know who you’d wish to join us.”

“No,” Triss responded, knowing who Philippa was referring to. “Even if Yennefer wasn’t missing, she would have no interest in this. She stopped caring for politics decades ago. If you’re serious about my input though, I actually do have a recommendation.”

“Of course I’m serious, pet,” Philippa responded, as though she could not fathom how Triss could even suggest otherwise. She gently brushed an errant strand of hair from her lover’s eyes, tucking it behind Triss’ ear. “Who?”

“Keira Metz.”

Philippa’s brow rose. “The sorceress who shared your place amongst the Temerian court?”

“Mm,” Triss murmured in acknowledgment. “I believe I know her well enough to feel as though her interests would still align with ours. What’s more is that I’ve always been able to easily sway her when it comes to anything political – she knows I am far more rational than she is, and knows well enough to listen when I speak.” Triss looked down at the woman she sat astride. “Who would you invite?” she queried. “Because it’s probably wise to only include two more sorceresses at this time. If we can persuade them, then perhaps we can call a larger meeting between the mages.”

“Agreed. You’ve heard of Margarita Laux-Antille, I assume?” Philippa asked. “She succeeded Tissaia De Vries as Rectoress of Aretuza.”

_Tissaia_. A piercing pain gripped Triss’ chest at the mention of the former Rectoress. What had happened to her after Thanedd was just awful, and Triss still felt so terribly guilty as she had been a part of it. It made her feel as though she somehow had a hand in her suicide, despite knowing that she should not blame herself.

“Of course. Yennefer spoke highly of her.”

“She isn’t very political, but she deeply cares for that school and its students,” Philippa told her. “The current distrust towards mages can easily turn into fear and bigotry if we are not careful, and I am certain that the repercussions would be disastrous to our kind. Convincing Rita that she should align with us for the safety and security of all she cares about should not be too difficult, and considering she is well-liked and respected by many sorceresses who I would like to extend an invitation to, her connections will help us immensely. Unfortunately, I’ve found that the respect others have for me usually goes hand-in-hand with dislike, or outright mistrust of my intentions, which would be counterproductive to what I am trying to achieve.”

Triss’ lips quirked in amusement. At least Philippa was self-aware. “You’re well-liked by _me,”_ she teasingly placated, gently running her fingers through her lover’s hair as she looked down at her. Her stomach tightened in a knot, and her next words were much softer, and much more honest as Triss said something that she had wanted to say for a long time now. “And I trust you. More… more than I trust anyone. I need you to know that.”

Philippa could hear the shift in Triss' tone and the corners of her eyes crinkled as she recognized the honesty in her words. Triss suddenly looked a little nervous, and Philippa found her hand before she laced their fingers together. “Then trust me enough to reveal what is putting you on edge tonight,” she requested softly, and Triss swallowed the lump in her throat.

She untangled their fingers and her hands went to the collar of her loose-flowing azure dress, carefully undoing the first button. Triss wet her lips and undid the second then, and Philippa, who seemed to realize what exactly she was doing, stayed silent. Triss only got to the third button though before she noticeably hesitated, taking a shuddered inhale of breath. Her hands were trembling, and Philippa placed one of her own on top of hers.

“You don’t have to if you’re not ready.”

“I do. I _am,”_ Triss insisted softly. Her gaze caught Philippa’s and she bit down on her bottom lip. Her heart was thumping erratically beneath her ribcage, and yet she could not imagine not following though with it. No matter how terrified she was, she couldn’t keep this wall up between them. “I don’t want to hide from you anymore, Phil. I…”

But her words died on the tip of her tongue, and Triss’ throat constricted because she was so terribly disappointed in herself. She shouldn’t be this afraid. Triss’ eyes crinkled with the weight of her emotions, and Philippa already knew. She had probably known for quite some time. “They’re just words, pet,” she assured her softly. “But if it’ll mean something for you to say them, then I promise I will hear them.”

Triss’ eyes welled up with tears as emotion gripped her chest. She looked down at the woman who had the entirety of her heart, unable to fathom another world, another _life_ without Philippa at the very center of it. A tear slid down the contour of her cheek, and it was gently wiped from her skin as Triss finally allowed herself to breathe the words she had wanted to say for so very long.

“I love you…”

A floodgate opened. The younger woman choked back a sob as Philippa dropped her wards, allowing Triss to feel what the other woman felt in return. She knew that Philippa would probably never be able to express how she felt in words because she was far too guarded in that regard, but it did not matter. Philippa had other ways of showing her how she felt, and they were enough. Their lips came together in a passionate kiss and Triss grasped at the back of the other woman’s neck, her touch bruising and desperate. “I love you,” Triss breathed between kisses, just needing to say it again and again. She wanted to make sure it was heard, that it was understood, because they were only simple words to explain something so massive and meaningful. “I love you…!”

“Shh, I know,” Philippa assured her, her fingertips tracing the contour of her cheek, her jaw, before wrapping a possessive hand around the nape of the younger woman’s neck. “I know, love, I know…”

Triss nearly collapsed into tears again at the new nickname. It was more than she had expected Philippa to vocalize, and she pressed their lips together once more as she poured all of her emotions into another lingering kiss. It was then that undressing came naturally, and without anymore hesitation Triss’ fingers began to frantically unbutton the remainder of her dress before allowing Philippa to push it off her shoulders so that the fabric pooled around her waist. Before Triss could move or think or process the large step she had just taken, Philippa’s lips fell to her neck, to her shoulder, to her chest. Philippa kissed her scars like she did not think twice about them _–_ like they were just another part of Triss that bore no difference to the rest of her body. She did not shy away from them, but at the same time did not linger.

It was what Triss needed.

She had built up such a fuss about them that part of her hesitation about showing them was that she was certain it was going to be this huge, life-altering thing. But it wasn’t. Philippa didn’t fawn over the marks on her body or feel pity for her because of their creation, she just accepted her as she was. Her lips found Triss’ again as her hand palmed at her breast, and although it was slightly misshapen and her skin was thick and uneven, it did not stop Philippa from touching her just as she always did before Sodden, and Triss hissed against her lips as she realized that at least one of her nipples still had a little feeling left. She hadn’t expected that, as she hadn’t wanted to explore that part of herself sexually for a very long time now.

She could feel Philippa grin against her lips, but as the woman began to slide her hand beneath her dress, Triss realized they needed far more space than what the settee allotted them. She grasped Philippa’s wrist in her hand, her breathing heavy and uneven as she ordered, “—Bed.”

Without warning, Philippa wrapped her arms around her lover’s waist as she stood up. Triss yelped and held onto her as it felt as though Philippa had tipped forward due to trying to hold her weight, but she had apparently cast a portal behind her that allowed them to fall heavily against the mattress in the bedroom. “Don’t _do_ that!” Triss exclaimed, her heart beating erratically in her chest from the feeling of free-falling. She lightly smacked Philippa’s arm, but the other woman just laughed as she climbed on top of her and began throwing off her own clothes between heated kisses. Triss was busy herself trying to get the rest of her dress off, and eventually she had to resort to practically kicking it from her body before they finally came together, completely bare, for the first time in what felt like forever.

Triss grasped for every part of her that she could reach, her lips parting in pleasure as Philippa’s hand fell between her thighs. The older woman allowed her fingers to be coated in arousal before she slowly dragged them across the length of Triss’ sex, her tongue drinking up the moan she milked from her as they came together in another desperate kiss. Philippa’s thigh pressed into her hand as she allowed her own dripping center to slide against Triss’ leg, and the younger woman groaned from the feeling of Philippa’s desire against her skin. Triss’ fingers curled into the supple flesh of the other woman’s backside as she pulled Philippa closer to her, the movement causing the older sorceress’ lips to part as the friction left a wet trail up Triss’ thigh. Philippa’s fingers slipped inside of her then, and Triss’ breath left her.

“—Mmph,” the younger woman exhaled, feeling Philippa curl her fingers inside of her. She looked up at the woman atop her, her fingernails digging into Philippa’s flesh as she encouraged her to rock against her leg. The angle wasn’t great though and Triss longed to touch her, so the next time she grasped for her she put a little more strength behind it, causing Philippa to nearly tumble completely on top of her before Triss rolled them on their sides, facing one another.

“Like this,” Triss instructed breathlessly, taking the hand that had fallen from her body into her own and encouraging Philippa between her thighs again as she propped one leg up to give her a better angle. Triss hissed as Philippa entered her once more, and her own hand found its way between her lover’s thighs as she slid her fingers through Philippa’s desire. “Kiss me—”

“Demands, demands…” the other woman noted in amusement, but she did lean in just enough to gently place her mouth around Triss’ bottom lip.

“Please,” Triss begged, realizing Philippa wanted to tease her as she kept dragging her lips across her cheek before placing her mouth against hers just enough for Triss to feel it, but not enough to get what she really wanted. Philippa’s tongue caressed the corner of her lover’s mouth as her fingers slid deeper inside of her, and Triss exhaled a breathy groan. “Phil…”

Philippa kissed her properly then, her tongue sliding into her mouth before she was the one who parted and demanded, “Again,” as she corkscrewed her fingers inside her. Triss nearly choked on her breath and she pressed her own hand harder against her lover’s sex, the pressure of her fingers causing Philippa to groan and roll her hips into her.

“Philippa… _fuck. _Please,” Triss begged, not knowing if Philippa wanted to hear her name again, or just merely hear her beg again. Triss didn’t care. She’d give her whatever she wanted. After all, she already had everything else. “Please, I need you…”

“You have me.”

There was no hesitation in her answer and Philippa’s mouth found hers once more, sealing that sentiment with a kiss. Triss began to move her hand more vigorously between the other woman’s thighs until she had Philippa panting against her lips. She could feel the heat radiating off of her lover’s skin and Triss rested her forehead against Philippa’s, her eyes closing as her own pleasure began to overwhelm her.

It wasn’t at all like how she had pictured. Triss was convinced that any lovemaking where she lay bare she would obsess over her scars, but Philippa had a way of making all of that fade away. In the end Triss, hadn’t even spared them enough of a thought to get self-conscious or ashamed of them. Instead all she saw, all she _felt_ was Philippa, and after the other woman tensed and gasped against her lips Triss fell shortly afterward, sweating and panting as she held the woman she adored close to her breast.

Philippa took her hand in her own and kissed her palm then, and Triss could not help but whisper how much she loved her all over again as she realized with vivid clarity how lucky she was to be bound to someone who had given her everything she had ever wanted and so, _so_ much more.

**THE END**

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [You Can't Stop The Water (From Pulling You Under)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23855182) by [I_Am_Titanium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Am_Titanium/pseuds/I_Am_Titanium)


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